The United States of America has admitted that the Bible belt it has worn around its Midwest and Southern regions for the past 200 years was never meant as anything more than an accessory. The admission comes on the back of reports that America’s Bible belt showed signs of becoming tight around the waist. “It used to fit really well, but the growing waistline of America’s Midwest seems to have caused the buckle to break,” said best friend, the United Kingdom. “I think it’s time she got herself a new belt.”
Over the years, America has received a deluge of negative comments regarding the belt, with criticism being centred on its “failure to coordinate well with the rest of her outfit”. The nation of Canada went as far as to call it “ugly, old fashioned and redundant.”
Responding to these jibes, America today announced its intention to “give the damn thing away to charity.”
“There’s just no space for it in my wardrobe,” it said, throwing the belt down. “I mean, I just bought a shitload of really nice burqas, and I have to make room for my funky new kippah. Yeah, it’s gonna have to go.”
In a complete overhaul of her extensive wardrobe, America today boxed up a large collection of religious ties, which included Pat Robertson and Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who are expected to be offloaded in exchange for more Jews, Muslims and Scientologists.
But before you get too hopeful that the Bible belt has shrunk a few inches, here's some blogworthy news: Texas schools now required to teach the Bible in class. And so it begins...
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151 comments:
Begins?
And it will end as soon as someone realizes that they're not using the right kind of Bible, cause the words are different.
Just wait until the Supreme Court strikes this down. As they should.
That's a small Bible-thumping town...that just happens to produce grade-A quality smoking hot sluts. At least it did in the 90s.
The Bible is the most published, most read book in history. Of course they should study it. Here are some good questions they could ask based on Bible readings:
- Describe the character of God. Is he good or evil?
- Many people want to restrict the rights of two adults of the same sex to marry based on parts of the Bible. What other things should be illegal based on the same standard?
- What are some of the differences of the story of the life of Christ in the four gospels?
- In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus says, "If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also." How does this apply to 21st century Texas law? How does it apply to American law?
And some further questions for study from an old internet classic:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
ust wait until the Supreme Court strikes this down. As they should??
If they strike it down, the Fundie Rage will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
So? Politically, they are an impotent group. They couldn't help maintain a conservative Republican congress in 2006, they couldn't help elect a conservative Republican and hyper-super-retarded conservative Republican president and vice president. Politically speaking, the religious right is not a group to be concerned about.
When they stop being politically active and start shooting doctors, hanging homosexuals, sending death threats to educators, and accosting women who even look at a planned parenthood building... that's the only time they become a real threat to anything.
I think he just wanted to make a Star Wars reference.
Yeah. I had nothin' else.
'When they stop being politically active and start shooting doctors, hanging homosexuals, sending death threats to educators, and accosting women who even look at a planned parenthood building... that's the only time they become a real threat to anything.' - 3primecubed
So, the last couple decades, then?
f these folks were bright, that law would have mandated a class on comparative religion, focusing on the largest world's religions. That way they get to puff up Xtianity, talk about how horrid Ay-rabs are, make fun of reincarnation, tell Confucius jokes, and generally support Jewishness without, you know, actually suggesting that someone BECOME one. And they'd be able to counter any challenges by claiming that they are discussing religionS as an important social aspect of world history/society.
That's what I would do if I was trying to push my own religion on children. Of course, I'd have to believe that my religion was actually superior enough to stand on it's own merits when compared to others. Might be a problem in BibleLand.
So my tax dollars will be used to de-educate. That's just fuckin' GREAT.
A requirement to be on the curriculum is not the same as a requirement for students to take the classes. I managed to graduate high school without taking Spanish, Shop, or Choir.
That may be the official excuse for bringing it in, but I don't buy that.
Treat others as you would want to be treated. In this case, put yourself in their shoes. Would you feel the same if Texas schools were required to offer classes in the Koran? How about Scientology texts, or Warren Jeffs' sermons, or Aradia: Gospel of the Witches?
Treat others as you would want to be treated.
Why would you expect a Christian evangelical to do this? It's not like there's any similar sentiment in the bible or anything, right?
I don't believe that "Separation of Spanish, Shop, Choir and State" was ever mentioned by any of the Founding Fathers.
Could be wrong though.
- Describe the character of God. Is he good or evil?
He is the unifying intentionality that fills the quantum interstices and is evil only when he sports a goatee which is admittedly often.
- Many people want to restrict the rights of two adults of the same sex to marry based on parts of the Bible. What other things should be illegal based on the same standard?
Hockey, nonalcoholic beer and 501 jeans.
- What are some of the differences of the story of the life of Christ in the four gospels?
According to Matthew Pilate shot first whereas Mark clearly state Jesus shot first. Also, Luke kills Dumbledore.
- In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus says, "If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also." How does this apply to 21st century Texas law? How does it apply to American law?
Trick question. Texas is lawless.
No mention of teaching the Koran in there? You can't choose teaching one religion's holy book over another. Let's go ahead and teach them the satanic Bible too. See how long this Bible shit lasts then.
sorry doc, the bible belt is not just an accessory, it's trying to be one size fits all for america.
Biblical scholarship would be fun to teach. Like that half of Paul's letters aren't his work. That we don't know who actually wrote the Gospels, the names are later attributions. The Gospel of Luke was written on commission. And so on.
from H.B. No. 1287
AN ACT relating to public school elective courses providing academic study of the Bible.
http://www.capitol.state.tx.us/tlodocs/80R/billtext/html/HB01287F.htm
(c) A student may not be required to use a specific
translation as the sole text of the Hebrew Scriptures or New
Testament and may use as the basic textbook a different translation
of the Hebrew Scriptures or New Testament from that chosen by the
board of trustees of the student's school district or the student's
teacher.
That seems really dumb to me. In every other classroom, I can almost guarantee you that every student is going to be using the exact same textbook edition. Why would they make these elective classes (because there are multiple classes being required to be offered - one of the Old Testament, one on the New Testament, and one on both) different?
(h) If, for a particular semester, fewer than 15 students at
a school district campus register to enroll in a course required by
this section, the district is not required to offer the course at
that campus for that semester.
That's kinda bullsh*t. The most influential class I had in high school had like 10 students enrolled.
(i) This section does not prohibit the board of trustees of
a school district from offering an elective course based on the
books of a religion other than Christianity. In determining whether
to offer such a course, the board may consider various factors,
including student and parent demand for such a course and the impact
such books have had on history and culture.
What possible relevance does student and parent demand for such a course have to whether or not a course should be taught? It should be educators who demand a course that should determine whether or not it should be taught. There is probably really low student demand for physics classes, and probably a ton of parental indifference, but there's good reason to have those classes.
Sec. 21.459. BIBLE COURSE TRAINING. (a) The commissioner
shall develop and make available training materials and other
teacher training resources for a school district to use in
assisting teachers of elective Bible courses in developing:
(1) expertise in the appropriate Bible course
curriculum;
(2) understanding of applicable supreme court rulings
and current constitutional law regarding how Bible courses are to
be taught in public schools objectively as a part of a secular
program of education;
(3) understanding of how to present the Bible in an
objective, academic manner that neither promotes nor disparages
religion, nor is taught from a particular sectarian point of view;
(4) proficiency in instructional approaches that
present course material in a manner that respects all faiths and
religious traditions, while favoring none; and
(5) expertise in how to avoid devotional content or
proselytizing in the classroom.
Considering that the state has failed to uphold this very important end of the bill, why should the schools be forced to uphold their end of the bill and teach the classes?
Oh no! They're teaching kids to treat each other as they want to treated!
I'll treat you the way I want to be treated...I want oral sex! You treat me, I'll treat you.
weird! All sides presented to a classroom for children to make up their own minds about life? Next we'll be calling this whole thing School!
Oh no! They're teaching kids to treat each other as they want to treated! - miss mary
I'm sure you would have no problem with the kids being taught the Quran or the Bhagavad Gita, would you?
I wonder when the U.S. will have its own Holy War ™
Which version of the Bible are they planning on using? There are so many different ones.
If they want to teach religion then they should teach them ALL religions, not just one.
It's the Bible Belt Bible, silly
the one they thump all the time..
Yet another reason I'm moving out of this state as soon as is humanly possible.
Also, there's no chance there are enough people to actually be qualified to teach that class. Anyone really qualified to teach that class would be a college professor, not a high school teacher. Biblical Studies is a college-level area of studies.
If it's taught as literature or as cultural anthropology rather than as The Word Of God, I really don't think it's anything to get upset about.
Of course, it's NOT going to be taught as literature or cultural anthropology, and that IS something to get upset about.
Considering that the state has failed to uphold this very important end of the bill, why should the schools be forced to uphold their end of the bill and teach the classes?
Agreed, and I think any public school that uses this as an argument should be just fine in ignoring this directive for the 2009-2010 school year.
If you mandate a curriculum, it had better be spelled out (no pun intended) and it had better be funded, or it's D.O.A.
We had a bible study class as an elective in high school. We read a lot of Steinbeck and wrote about the obvious parallels. It was interesting and nobody tried to push any sort of belief system on is. I don't see the big deal here.
Illinois isn't in the bible belt...if you'd had the course in one of those states, say Texas, you might think differently. You might not be able to think at all, actually.
Hell yeah. What are we going to do if the next generation can't even find Ankh-Morpork on a map? Oh, the shame!
Terry Pratchett's Discworld version of the Bible? Where can I get one!!
As long as they teach it in Religious Studies, and not Science, it should be OK.
I hate Trigonometry too.. That and the teachings of Jesus should both be eliminated from school. There's at least 50% of us that don't want Trigonometry in school right? School should just have Art, P.E., lunch, Sex Ed., wood shop and a cultural class so we can learn about where our society seems to be heading... Introduce things like 1. The right types of breast implants 2. Replacing Jesus with what my mind tells me when I'm smoking weed. 3. How to text your friends during dinner with you family and 4. How to pick the proper penile extender.
They could cover it in a one line lesson in English history.
"Once Gutenberg's movable type printing press was invented, one of the first books he made copies of were bibles."
End of Lesson.
Go to the article doc gave the link for (blue letters).
Then look for this at the end of the article: We would like to know what you think about this story. Click HERE to leave your comments and read the contents of Texas House Bill 1287.
Click on the blue letters for 'here'
The comments there are eye-opening.
I LOVE this little gem:
"Take it away, Sharon! I think this is great. It is about time we put GOD back in schools. that's whats wrong with people today. they are not taught moral values.. THANKK YOU JESUS FOR TAKING CARE OF THE SITUATION.."
Seems as if Sharon spent so much time 'thankking' Jesus, that she missed out on spelling class. tsk tsk
How about this one:
"I think it is wonderful. They have taken so much of God out of our schools and we all can see what kind of shape they are in now. School may be the only place some of these children here about Christianity."
do you here what I here? Lol
The Bible is poorly written. The hero dies in the middle.
Here's the thing. I have no trouble with the bible being taught in an elective class, provided it's in a theology or literature class. Try to teach it as science or morality though, and watch me go batshit.
Elective general religious studies are fine. Mandating anything to do with a specific religion or religious document is unconstitutional and Texas needs to eat a sack of baked dicks.
Spirituality (or a lack of thereof) is an intensely private matter. Bibles, Q'rans, Torahs, etc. belong at home and not in school.
well there goes my last bit of faith in the Texas public school system. Thank God I don't have to worry about tuition at a private secular school for a while.
"I think it is a good thing because a lot of kids don't have that experience, and they already want to take prayer out of school as it is-- and you see where our kids are ending up!" said Tyler resident Laura Tucker.
Um, they're turning out poorly because the vast majority of you are too self-obsessed to be decent parents, not because they aren't forced to read the Bible in school.
As far as this law goes, all it means is that Texans will grow up to be retarded. In other words, no change.
(no offense to the previous commenter, whose delightful nickname only reinforces my point)
Don't mess with Texas, they mess themselves just fine.
What a fucking crock of shit. enjoy your stupidity texas.
I do feel sorry for decent people in texas (there must be some according to the laws of the bell curve for decency.)
I think teaching the Bible in school is a great idea. Not in science class, but in its own class. Of course, having actually read the Bible, I know that it's not going to produce the results that the Texas school thinks. Remember, Great Britain has a state religion. The Bible was regularly taught in schools. And they are now one of the most atheist states ever.
Shove religion down a kid's throat, and it winds up one of two ways.. you get a 1) atheist or a 2) biblethumper.
I say wait til they're behind bars for 25 to life; they ALL find religion there.
Until Texas executes them.
Now we will be able to separate the bigots from the open minded here at doc's blog:
Anybody commenting who fails to acknowledge the Bible as a literary and historical work, important to the understanding of Western culture is a bigot.
Anybody who insists that the Bible should be taught as a religious text is also a bigot.
Can we PUH-LEASE let Texas secede?
I don't think the schools should be allowed to teach anything. What if we really don't exist in this dimension and this "reality" we experience is really just a computer program? What would you think of your precious "Art" and "Science" classes then, Neo?
Keep your biblethumpers out of my matrix and I'll be just fine running as programmed to run.
Which was how, exactly?
I program myself. Now it's time for my meds. And some jelly and sawdust, hold the mayo. What is this bible of which you speak? Can it be taken with electrical socket Koolaide?
You betcha wink wink
Only one turtle? HERESY! It's turtles all the way down!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turtles_all_the_way_down
So THAT's where Terry Pratchett got the idea...
"Turtles all the way down" refers to an infinite regression belief about cosmology and the nature of the universe. It is a modern retelling of ancient beliefs that the world is borne through the universe on the back of one or more enormous animals (such as a turtle in Native American creation myth),[1] though these myths do not normally include an infinity aspect or multiple/endless layers of animals.
I'll be reading that article and all its references until further notice, or until doc's next blog.
i grew up in the Lower Rio Grande Valley and had a tenth-grade English teacher who had us read a lot of the Old Testament -- a lot of the gruesome, baby-killing, cousin-raping, back-stabbing Old Testament.
i still appreciate that.
I don't see what the big deal is. I used to go to Church every Sunday for years and then I read the Bible.
After reading it I realized what a bunch of crap it was and turned me away from organized religion (I do remain Christian and spiritual, however) ....This will have the total opposite reaction the state and parents want, same as in England as a commenter noted earlier
This won't stand up in court hopefully, but I fear it's just an attempt to troll the federal government and make it a states rights issue, which normally I'd agree with, but not on these grounds - and I say that as a conservative.
It's a good idea, but it'll never work. It's a good idea because the bible is an extremely important piece of literature in western culture. It explains the origins of many of our traditions. As such, it is a good idea to teach kids about it, how it influenced our culture and so on.
Why won't that work? Because the religious fundies will go ape. They don't want it taught, studied, they want it PREACHED. They want kids told that this is the truth, believe every word, etc, etc. So any attempt to teach it as a significant literary work, like the Greek myths or the like, will fail because the fundies will go up in arms. Any attempt to teach it as gospel runs afoul of the 1st amendment and will get struck down.
Sad really because it is a good thing to learn about. I took a Judaic Studies class in university where we learn about the bible, 1st edition (old testament). Was very enlightening and taught in a very historical, non-religious context. It can be done, but will never happen in public schools.
Given how effective the schools are at teaching math and english, this could very well turn everyone into atheists.
As long as they keep 'everyone' confined to Texas, that's OK by me.
Is there any way we could just give Texas back to Mexico?
Lets just make university level Theology part of the elementary school curriculum. That should shut everyone up.
There's a separation of church and state for a reason.
You wanna teach the Bible in class? Then teach every other religion that we have in this country, too. You can't pick and choose your facts and lessons like a creationist - oh.... right...Texas.. the bible belt....
Can we separate the bible belt from the rest of the country? After all, it's just an accessory. Doc said.
"Is there any way we could just give Texas back to Mexico?"
Mexico probably wouldn't want it. It has Texans.
Texas: the new Saudi Arabia
I blame it on the oil. And the deserts. They both have that in common.
and don't forget theocratic rule.
Well, since atheists don't run their governments, looks like religions do. what else could there be?
secularists. Google it.
But the Conservative Christians who want the bible taught in school don't want it taught as literature or in a comparative religion course. They want it taught as the word of God.
"Only one turtle? HERESY! It's turtles all the way down!"
no it's not, there's at least one armadillo
can't remember where i saw that
It is more of a challenge to just each the children of the Republic of Texas to not be fat!
"They want it taught as the word of God." -- hawkrew
Not just as the word of god. They want it taught as a way of life.
Religion is a personal subject.
The sooner folks realize this, the sooner the wars stop.
keep it to yourself.
I may worship monkey pig sex but I don't throw it into your face.
I'm actually amazed the conservative religious Christian parents went for this, actually. Usually anything smacking of comparative religion or religion as literature or any other teaching of religion without teaching the religion as normative is anathema to them.
Though, perhaps they think that their local school will teach it as normative, in which case, expect lawsuits pretty darn quick.
I wonder if they'll teach that one verse from the Bible...."For God so loved the world that...... HE FLOODED IT AND KILLED EVERYONE BUT NOAH'S FAMILY!!!"
Good. Forcing kids to read the bible will probably have the effect of convincing them to stop the pretense of following it.
I went to a public highschool in Laredo, TX, where we read assorted bible stories in English class, including the story of Isaac and Abraham. It convinced me that the Abrahamic religions are the antithesis of goodness and morality.
Morality has to be based on something more than unquestioned top-down authority, or else you're just another Andrea Yates (a fellow Texan!) waiting to go off.
Morality has to be based on a balance of reason and empathy, and there is no room in the world of Isaac and Abraham for either.
Wow! doc sure has a way of gaining new commenters! Welcome, 33mhz
Surprised we haven't picked up any rabid biblethumpers today.
I'd love to know how many evangelicals have actually read the Bible. I mean the real text( whether it be king James, NRSV or otherwise).
Will they teach that Jesus and most of his followers were Jews? That Easter occurs when it does because Jesus was in Jerusalem for Passover?
THAT LOVE AND FORGIVENESS ARE PARAMOUNT?
I doubt that even most of these posters or even George W Bush has read the Bible. I mean, it's so long, full of words, abstract ideas...
And thus, leave it to Texas and by extension the whole bible belt to make rational religious people all look like idiots once again.
Will they be teaching the Old Testament or the New Testament? you know, eye for eye vs turn the other cheek, etc.?
The Bible is poorly written. The hero dies in the middle should be corrected to: The Bible is poorly written. The hero commits suicide by government in the middle.
Psh. Everyone knows the correct term for that is "Assisted Suicide"
I went to High School in Alabama and I remember our science teacher, before going over the chapter on Evolution, gave us a 30 minute speech about how she didn't believe in it. Then she went into great detail on her religious beliefs and before you know it the whole class was over and we never went over the chapter.
Had the same experience in Alabama. My biology teacher spent an entire week on creationism and 1 day on evolution.
Don't even get me started on our sex ed class.
Kansas doesn't look so bad, now, does it?
Well, okay, it does, but it's good to know other states have stupid people in charge, too.
You think that's good to know?!?
I think it means our state, federal, and local governments are being run by C students, at best.
Obama is an exception to the rule, but you're right.
Explains why Obama keeps running into resistance from the repubs and blue dog dems... they think he's one of them thar elitists fellas, and an uppity black man to top it off. They'd rather string him up to a tree and burn a cross on the White House lawn than agree to anything he proposes, no matter how intelligent, logical, and rational or good for our country. They've got Sarah Palin/Joe the Plumber IQ's, true for TX and all the red bible belt states; too unsophisticated to change, and too fearbased to let go of their guns and bibles to save our country from the ruin one of their own Texan moron presidents bequeathed to us after 8 years of neocon theocratic rule of America.
Can this nation get any crazier and dumber?
Obama's back from his August vacation. Time to get to work and pass some Federal legislation for our citizens, health care, education, the man's the right man for the job. things need fixin' and I believe in the next 4 to 8 years, he'll fix a LOT (hell, in 7 months alone he's pulled our collective asses out of the fire more times than most people know!.. go to whitehouse.org and read all the thousands of improvements already made!!)
just one question, why is it a bible class, and not a religion in america class
that's easy, whoever came up with the idea is a narrow minded asshole, who was supported by like-minded assholes.
Because there is only one religion in Texas. Fat.
So long as the teaching is 'this is an old book and remains one of the most read in history, let's see what it can teach us about ancient peoples' and not 'this is the word of the one true God and you must believe this lest you be cast into a burning pit!' No big deal.
and you trust these born again evangelical neocon rightwing bigots to do that do you?
Well, when you put it THAT way...
As a resident of Tyler, Tx, and someone who has graduated from Chapel Hill Independent School District (which is 5 minutes away from Tyler), I can guarantee that, for much of the state, a coach will be teaching this class. As in, someone who knows more about baseball in 1942 than they do about Europe in 1942. This subject will not be treated fairly by enough school districts in this state to warrant the risk. The reward is NOT worth the cost.
My high school history teacher knew alot about football, but he also taught us about Egyptian history by showing us the movie "The Ten Commandments" with Charleston Heston.
I wish I made this up.
Bonuspersona, Txfemmom, Txlonghorn04, and texas made me retarded are friends who emailed me about this blog. I have spent some time reading past blogs of "doc's", and it's clear he's a fucking genius, so I'm going to make a comment here:
To show that Texans aren't all this fucked up, I am calling my state reps and the BoE this week to discuss comparative religion courses instead of the 'God Only' course they have now. Thank you for bringing it to our attention Dr. B.
I can't imagine why fundies what the bible taught in school.
They derive their power from making people think that what they want is what the bible says.
Once kids get an eyeful of "help the poor, pay your taxes (render unto Caesar), turn the other cheek, and love thy neighbor", the last fucking thing in the world they'll want to do is vote republican.
Ahh, satire....
This is satire, right?
RIGHT?!
Doc! Say it's satire!
Come on, it's Texas! Whaddayawant?
Supreme court says you can't "teach religion", but you can "teach about religion."
Let's see if Texas can abide by those rules.
Probably no one is going to read this since I am so late to the comment party, However:
I am severely against religion and government mixing. If I had my way we would erase all mentions of God off our money, gov't buildings, legislature, etc.
Even so, teaching (actually teaching not preaching) about the Bible isn't necessarily a bad thing. Of course, if they are going to teach a bible, they better teach about how there are several versions. Furthermore, they god damn well should teach the Book of Mormon, The Koran, The Vedas, The Fundamentals of Thought (Scientology), etc.
If we could expose more people to the actual sacred texts associated with the major religions, I think more people would see that their are similarities and a whole load of bullshiat. I still cannot fathom how anyone can buy into Scientology or Mormonism. Their texts are farking ridiculous.
Actually education is a grand concept. Preaching, idolizing, and human interpretation of "divine" writings leads to corruption of the overall intent anyway. Especially when you add an organizational structure that needs money to continue its message. Any organization that must financially perpetuate itself off of donations has motivation to become a parasite on your wallet.
thank you texas, for one again showing us that we should have let mexico keep your sorry ass.
I was raised Baptist. I never questioned what I was taught in Sunday School and Church. Until I discovered Science. I found Science completely fascinating and I took particular interest in Paleontology (What kid doesn't like Dinosaurs?) and Geology.
I was not able to reconcile what I learned from Science with what I was taught in Church. I took my concerns to my parents, but they were not able to help me find a happy medium. My parents suggested I speak to the Pastor about it. So one Sunday I waited until after services and asked to speak to the Pastor.
The Pastor patiently explained to me that Dinosaur bones were placed in the ground by God to test our faith.
About the same time I began to notice that the people shouting "AMEN" the loudest whenever the Pastor spoke out against certain behaviors were also the very same people that were the first to participate in those same behaviors.
Thus began my lack of belief in The Baptist religion, and eventually in all organized religion. The hypocrisy is too at odds with Jesus' teaching for me.
Now you can believe whatever you like. I have no issue with that, because I believe what I believe. I'm happy in my own beliefs, and you should be happy in yours too.
Damn, and you people are paralyzed in fear over muslims?
Riddle time!
Why don't baptists have sex standing up?
Because it might lead to dancing.
(Also a recovering baptist, reepicheep... my grampa was a minister...)
as my mom would say, baptists don't dance, they choreograph.
I think parents would be delighted to have their kids exposed to the most widely read works of literature on the planet. When they get finished with the Holy Bible, they can move directly over to the second most widely read book, Harry Potter. All the tiny brains will explode all over Texas.
All the kids in TX have read Harry Potter on their own time. That's why it's in SCHOOL the fundies want them to get the bible, because kids'd only read the bible on their 'own time' if they were locked in the cellar and beaten until they could parrot back the whole thing verse for verse like math tables. What fun!
""I think it is a good thing because a lot of kids don't have that experience, and they already want to take prayer out of school as it is-- and you see where our kids are ending up!" said Tyler resident Laura T"
Cripes, this 'argument' is getting ridiculously tiresome. Clearly, kids are acting up because we don't require prayer in school. It has nothing to do with their fuck-witted parents and the equally fuck-witted pop culture that the parents rely on as babysitters. Also, kids are naturally assholes; the successful ones are those who learn to adapt to polite society.
But yeah, our woes are due to not forcing kids to pray in publicly funded buildings. That's gotta be the reason.
If you click through a few links, the entire bill is available online, but Ranting Tommy provided a link in his earliest comment.
It's an incredibly empty bill that says it will "teach students knowledge of biblical content, characters, poetry, and narratives that are prerequisites to understanding contemporary society and culture, including, literature, art, music, mores, oratory, and public policy"
This can go any direction. You could get a good teacher, who teaches Higher Criticism, Textual Analysis, incorporates apocryphal writings, reviews critical passages like the 'Shall not Suffer a Witch to live' or the Curse of Ham narrative and reviews the thousand of differences in argument and opinion that have developed the Christian theology from the period of earlllly pre-Constantine 'Christianity'
OR
You can get a teacher who reads from the bible and assigns students to write essays on 'What do you think this passage means in regards to the abortion issue?' or 'How does this section apply when you compare it to whats in your biology textbook?' and simply acts as an echo-chamber for the large and vocal peer group already dominating Texas.
Now just consider two things:
(1) "a minimum of a High School Composite Certification in language arts, social studies, or history with, where practical, a minor in religion or biblical studies"
(2) Texas is undergoing fighting from organizations pushing 'Creation Science' to become diploma granting institutions - which would allow them (I believe) to pass out these HSCC's.
It's a recipe for some very serious disaster. As it stands, these are the only requirements for the HSCC.
http://www.hbu.edu/hbu/Catalog_-_CoAH_-_Dept_of_Hist_PoliSci.asp?SnID=1441105528#CSS
Fine, but you must also teach the following.
- The Koran
- The Torah
- The scriptures of the Bahá'í including that of Bahá'u'llá
- The Avesta (scriptures of Zorastrianism)
- The Śruti and Smriti (Hinduism)
- Yoga
- The Scripture of Yazdânism
- The culture and beliefs of African Traditional Religion(s)
- The culture and beliefs of Chinese Traditional Religion(s)
- The culture and beliefs of Korean Traditional Religion(s)
- The culture and beliefs of Japaneese Traditional Religion(s)
- The Scripture of the Wicca
- The pagan Norse religion, including worship and doctrine, not just myths.
- The pagan Greek/Roman religion, including worship and doctrine, not just myths.
- The pagan Egyptian religion, including worship and doctrine, not just myths.
- The pagan Norse religion, including worship and doctrine, not just myths.
- The culture and beliefs of Native American Tribal Traditional Religion(s)
- The culture and beliefs of Native Australian Aboriginal Tribal Traditional Religion(s)
- Dianetics and the scripture of the Scientologists
- The scripture of Shinshūkyō
- The justification of Atheism, and how/why people are atheists.
Further more each one of the above MUST be given equal time to that of the Christian Bible.
If you want to teach your kids all of this, then I have no problem what so ever, as it will cover almost all world religions and will give them a wealth of culture, and the skepticism that comes with knowing the tenants of all religions, which ultimately teaches you they are all crap.
Until this is done, I hope the Supreme Court Will Reverse this.
So this is what conservatives mean when they demand less government interference in their lives. Hmmmm...
This is going to be hilarious when they start on the differences between Catholic and Baptist faith. "Well, students, the difference is that Catholics were educated people who knew Latin and actually studied the book and its multiple interpretations, where as your parents and grandparents basically just used to it remain hicks who didn't like change. Oh, and if Jesus grew up today, people who think of him as gay and beat him down. Oh, it doesn't say that? Well, read this passage...and this passage...and you're going to hell if you fark little Suzie over there since she's on her period, and this passage...."
Hicks never figure anything out. So they vote repub against their own interests.
Genesis
1. God drowns everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all. 7:21-23
2. Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:7-8
3. God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven." Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his family. 19:24
4. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26
5. God threatens to kill Abimelech and his people for believing Abe's lie. 20:3-7
6. Sarai tells Abraham to "cast out this bondwoman and her son." God commands him to "hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons Hagar and Ishmael, casting them out into the wilderness to die. 21:10-14
7. Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God would ask a father to do that; only a bad father would be willing to do it. 22:10
8. Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31
9. "And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him." What did Er do to elicit God's wrath? The Bible doesn't say. Maybe he picked up some sticks on Saturday. 38:7
10. After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife." But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10
Exodus
11. God threatens to kill the Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23
12. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. 4:24-26
13. After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished "there was not a house where there was not one dead." Finally, he runs out of little babies to kill, so he slaughters the firstborn cattle, too. 12:29
14. After hardening Pharaoh's heart a few more times, God drowns Pharaoh's army in the sea 14:4-28
15. "The Lord is a man of war." Indeed, judging from his acts in the Old Testament, he is a vicious warlike monster. 15:3
16. If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26
17. Joshua, with God's approval, kills the Amalekites "with the edge of the sword." 17:13
18. "The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." 17:14-16
19. Any person or animal that touches Mt. Sinai shall be stoned to death or "shot through." 19:12-13
20. Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21
21. God gives instructions for killing and burning animals. He says that if we will make such "burnt offerings," he will bless us for it. What kind of mind would be pleased by the killing and burning of innocent animals? 20:24
22. A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17
23. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women have suffered excruciating deaths because of this verse. 22:18
24. "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or something? 22:19
25. "He who sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be utterly destroyed." If this commandment is obeyed, then the four billion people who do not believe in the biblical god must be killed. 22:20
26. If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his own sword. 22:24
27. God promises to "send his fear before the Israelites" and to kill everyone that they encounter when they enter the promised land. 23:27
28. Get some animals, kill them, chop up their bodies, wave body parts in the air, burn the carcasses, and sprinkle the blood all around -- in precisely the way God tells you. It may well make you sick, but it makes God feel good. 29:11-37
29. Those who break the Sabbath are to be executed. 31:14
30. God orders the sons of Levi (Moses, Aaron, and the other members of their tribe that were "on the Lord's side") to kill "every man his neighbor." "And there fell of the people that day about 3000 men." 32:27-28
31. But God wasn't satisfied with the slaughter of the 3000, so he killed some more people with a plague. 32:35
32. Whoever works, or even kindles a fire, on the Sabbath "shall be put to death." 35:2-3
Leviticus
33. God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9
34. Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and "there went out fire from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord." 10:1-3
35. If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by uncovering their heads, tearing their clothes, leaving with holy oil on them, or by drinking "wine or strong drink", then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." 10:6-9
36. God "put the plague of leprosy" into the houses of the Canaanites. 14:34
37. "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." Couldn't we try spanking first? 20:9
38. Both parties in adultery shall be executed. 20:10
39. If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11
40. If a man "lies" with his daughter-in-law, then both must be killed. 20:12
41. If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13
42. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of you must be burned to death. 20:14
43. If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be killed. 20:15-16
44. People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) are to be stoned to death. 20:27
45. A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9
46. Don't do any work on the day of atonement or God will destroy you. 23:29-30
47. A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community must stone him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses commanded." 24:10-23
48. Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned to death by the entire community. 24:16
49. God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their families. The "heathens" and "strangers" are to be their possessions forever. 25:44-46
50. God tells the Israelites to "chase" their enemies and make them "fall before you by the sword." He figures five of the Israelites will be able to "chase" a hundred of their enemies, and a hundred will be able to "put ten thousand to flight." 26:7-8
51. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and daughters." 26:16-39
52. All "devoted" things (both man and beast) "shall surely be put to death." 27:28-29
Numbers
53. God shows his hospitality with the admonition: "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." 1:51, 3:10, 3:38
54. Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the Lord." 3:4
55. Don't touch or "go in to see when the holy things are covered." God kills people who touch or look at covered holy things. 4:15, 20
56. God tells the people to expel from camp "every leper, every one that hath an issue, and whoever is defiled by the dead." So by God's instructions, the sick are abandoned and left to suffer and die alone. 5:1-4
57. "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them. 11:1
58. "And wile the flesh [of the quails] was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord smote the people with a very great plague. "The Bible isn't too clear about what these poor folks did to upset God so much; all it says is that they had "lusted." 11:33
59. Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman and thus breaking the law of God. But God makes it clear that his rules don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam with leprosy. Notice that only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron complained. 12:1, 9-10
60. God punishes the children for the failings of their great-great grandfathers. 14:18
61. God killed those that murmured against him with a plague. 14:36-37
62. The Israelites find a man picking up sticks on the sabbath. God commands them to kill him by throwing rocks at him. 15:32-36
63. Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, Dathan, and Abiram "and their wives, and their sons, and their little children." Then, just for the hell of it, God has a fire burn to death 250 "men that offered incense." 16:20-35
64. After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 innocent bystanders, the people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sends a plague on the people. And "they that died in the plague were 14,700." 16:41-50
65. Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close.18:3, 22, 32
66. God shows us how to make new friends by saying : "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." 18:7
67. "And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." This verse demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities for you. 21:3
68. God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6
69. God delivers the Amorites into Moses' hands. (You're in God hands with Moses.) So Moses does the usual thing, killing everyone "until their was none left alive." 21:34-35
70. God's people will kill like a lion and then "drink the blood of the slain." 23:24
71. God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8
72. After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5
73. When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9
74. For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13
75. The ground swallow Korah and his companions and a fire consumes 250 men. 26:10
76. "And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the Lord." When you go camping avoid making any unusual fires. 26:61
77. Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54
78. God tells Moses to exterminate the residents of Canaan and destroy all of their religious symbols and possessions. 33:50-52
79. But if the Israelites don't kill them all, then God will make them pricks in their eyes and thorns in their sides. And he will do unto the Israelites as he planned to do to the inhabitants of Canaan. 33:55-56
80. "The revenger of blood" must murder the murderer just as soon as he sees him. 35:19, 21
81. When a murder is committed the blood pollutes the land. The only way to cleanse it is to spill more blood by killing the killer. 35:30, 33
Deuteronomy
82. At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-36
83. The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of every city. 3:3-6
84. God brought the Israelites out of Egypt "by war ... and by great terrors." 4:34
85. If someone makes an image of anything (like a bird or flower) then God will destroy the entire nation. 4:25-26
86. If you worship the wrong god, God will get jealous and kill you. 6:15
87. God instructs the Israelites to kill, without mercy, all the inhabitants (strangers) of the land that they conquer. 7:2
88. If you do show any mercy to such strangers, "give your daughters to any of them, or "take" any of their daughters, then you'll get God so angry that he'll "destroy thee suddenly." 7:4
89. God will kill those who hate him. 7:10
90. God commands his people to "consume all the people which the Lord thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity on them." 7:16
91. God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
92. "If thou do at all forget the LORD thy God, and walk after other gods ... ye shall surely perish." 8:19-20
93. God is "a consuming fire" that destroys people. 9:3
94. After God kills those of other faiths, be sure to reject their beliefs and do not learn about them. Otherwise God will have to kill you too. 12:30
95. Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the wrong things. 13:1-5
96. If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship another god, "thou shalt surely kill him, thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death." 13:6-10
97. If you hear of a city where another god is worshiped, then destroy everyone in the city (even the cattle) and burn it down. (Watch out Salt Lake!) 13:12-16
98. Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own. 17:2-7
99. Anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed. 17:12-13
100. False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know who is a false prophet? By whether or not their predictions come true. (Watch out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20
101. Murderers and perjurers are to be executed -- "and thine eye shall not pity" them. 19:11-13, 18-21
102. "And thine eye shall not pity. Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot." 19:21
103. In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the males (including old men, boys, and babies) with "the edge of the sword .... But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13
104. "But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth." Kill the old men and women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers, nursing mothers, infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16
105. If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8
106. If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men in your neighborhood "shall stone him with stones that he die." 21:18-21
107. Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22
108. If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's doorstep. 22:13-21
109. "If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die." 22:22
110. If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24
111. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12
112. If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God shower you with the curses that are given in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68
113. "Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body." 28:18
114. God will send you "cursing, vexing, the pestilence, consumption, fever, inflammation, extreme burning, the sword, blasting, and mildew." 28:20-22
115. "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28
116. "The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head." 28:35
117. "All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever." 28:48-49
118. "And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters." 28:53-55
119. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57
120. If you don't do as God says he'll send plagues to torment and destroy you. 28:58-64
121. If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in this book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20
122. Moses tells the people that God will destroy all the inhabitants of the lands that they pass through. 31:3
123. When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you with fire, and send vicious beasts to devour you. He'll "destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26
124. "I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh." Someone should take his sword and arrows away, at least until he's feeling better. 32:39-43
Joshua
125. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword." 6:21
126. "And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel stoned them with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." This is because Achan "took of the accursed thing" -- whatever that means. But why would God require that Achan's sons and daughters (and even his animals) be stoned to death along with him? The Bible doesn't say. But it does tell us that "the Lord turned from the fierceness of his anger" when Achan, his children, and his animals were stoned to death and their dead bodies burned. 7:24-26
127. Joshua and his army, per God's instructions, slaughter "all the inhabitants of Ai." 8:22-26
128. Joshua hangs the king of Ai on a tree until evening. 8:29
129. God slaughters the Amorites and chases them "along the way" as they try to escape. Then he sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:10-11
130. In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13
131. Joshua tells his captains to "put your feet upon the necks of these kings." He says, "thus shall the Lord do to all of your enemies." Then Joshua kills the kings and hangs them on trees. 10:24-26
132. Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can find (including babies and little children)-- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32
133. God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what to do with them: he smites them all with (you guessed it) the edge of the sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17
134. "For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly." Notice that God hardens their hearts so that he can have an excuse to kill them. 11:20
Judges
135. God appoints Judah to succeed Joshua. The Lord delivers his foes into his hands and another 10,000 are slain. In the process, they capture Adonibezek and "cut off his thumbs and great toes." Nice guys. 1:2-6
136. Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab. God's message consists of a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out." Just another lovely Bible story. 3:15-22
137. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31
138. Jael (our heroine) offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head. "So God subdued on that day Jabin." 4:17-23
139. When Gideon and his water-lapping companions blow their trumpets, God forces all the enemy soldiers to kill each other, killing 120,000. 7:22, 8:10
140. Two princes are killed and their heads are brought to Gideon. 7:25
141. For refusing to feed him and his army, Gideon tears the flesh off the elders of Succoth and kills the men of the city. 8:7, 16
142. Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to do it himself since his son isn't "man" enough to do it. 8:20
143. Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5
144. God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24
145. When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39
146. Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." 14:5-8
147. "And the spirit of the Lord came upon him [Samson], and he ... slew thirty men." (Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the spirit of the Lord off him.) 14:19
148. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire; the Philistines burn Samson's ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson smites them "hip and thigh with a great slaughter." 15:4-8
149. "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15
150. Samson, with God's help, kills himself and 3000 Philistine men and women by causing a roof to collapse, setting an example for Bible-based terrorism. 16:27-30
151. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel 19:22-30
152. The Israelites finish their massacre of the Benjamites by killing all the men, animals, and everything they could find in every Benjamite city. Then they burned the cities to the ground. (In this way God helped the Israelites make everything better after the rape and dismemberment of the concubine.) 20:48
153. To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own daughters), the other tribes attacked and killed all occupants of a city except for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for wives. 21:7-23
1 Samuel
154. "The Lord killeth ..." -- every chance he gets. 2:6, 2:25
155. "The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't like you, he'll send a thunderstorm your way to break your body into little pieces. 2:10
156. God will kill those who sin against him. 2:25
157. If you piss him off, God will cut off your arm, consume your eyes, grieve your heart, and kill your sons and grandfathers. 2:31-34
158. God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-13
159. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
160. God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented, because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter." 6:19
161. "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2
162. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7
163. God delivers the Philistines into Jonathan's hand. And his very "first slaughter ... was about twenty men." Not bad for a first slaughter. 14:12
164. Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other. 14:20
165. God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3
166. Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26
167. Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19
168. Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his mind about him being king. 15:23-26
169. To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord" [I bet God enjoyed that!] -- after Agag pleads with him saying, "surely the bitterness of death has past." 15:32-34
170. After God rejects Saul for refusing to kill indiscriminately, he sends Samuel to find another king. David is chosen and anointed by Samuel, and "the spirit of the Lord came upon him from that day forward." 16:13
171. The evil spirit from the Lord
"But the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul [since he was not murderous enough for God], and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." But if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23
172. David and Saul have a contest to see who can kill the most people for God, and the women act as cheerleaders saying, "Saul has killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands." 18:6-7, 21:11, 29:5
173. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
174. "David inquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the Lord said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines ... So David smote them with a great slaughter." 23:2-5
175. David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34
176. "And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38
177. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11
178. Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19
2 Samuel
179. David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. 1:15
180. Joab and Abner watch as the young men "play" a cruel game. "And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow side, so they fell down together." 2:14
181. When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth rib of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle," apparently meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) 3:27-29
182. Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of course) and bring his head to David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off, and their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. 4:6-7
183. Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain." 5:8
184. Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. 6:6-7
185. David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17, 11:27
186. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18
187. David saws, hacks, and burns to death all the inhabitants of several cities. Maybe this is what is meant by "the tender mercies of David" (Acts 13:34). 12:31
188. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab, who "shed out his bowels to the ground ... And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway." 20:10, 12
189. "And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:21-22
190. A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done. 21:1
191. To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have seven of Saul's sons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9
192. "He teacheth my hands to war." Might as well learn from an expert. 22:35
193. God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine ( 1 Chronicles 21:1 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13
1 Kings
194. In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab. 2:1-9
195. Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25
196. Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by having Joab murdered. 2:29-34
197. Solomon justifies the murder of Joab by saying that Joab also was a murderer, and that the blood of Joab's victims "shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever." 2:33
198. But Solomon is not done murdering yet. He has Shimei murdered -- or as Solomon put it, "The Lord shall return thy wickedness upon thine own head." 2:44, 46
199. When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. All this blood and gore must have made God very happy. 8:63
200. Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. 11:16
The Wise One Has Spoken, Here endeth the whackadoodle bible verses reading for the day. Can I get an amen.
A-friggin-men!!
Old Testament--good times.
I won't pretend to understand it.
I do have a true story to share though.
Picture it... Buffy is in 9th grade at St John the Evangelist catholic high school.
Religious Ed. class is in progress with Father M. He posses this assignment to the class. "Kids--tonight read the two separate stories of creation in Genesis and we'll talk about it tomorrow.
Next day lots and lots of discussion and ideas about the question. How can the true word of God have contradictions?
Buffy can take it no longer and raises her hand. Father M. says "Yes, Miss C. what do you have to say? Buffy says in a soft, shy, terrified voice: "Maybe, Father, maybe God never intended the bible to be taken literally."
Shocked silence broken only by the two kids who sucked their breath in sharply through their teeth.
Father M. looks at Buffy, takes a big deep breath and says: "Absolutely correct Miss C. good job"
Buffy decides to 1. breathe 2.to start thinking for herself.
Flash forward 40 plus years. It hasn't been easy to try and think for myself, to question, to ask for answers and pray a lot. (Yup--still believe in God--just not how He is written about by the men of the times)
I think about Father M. and will be grateful forever that the ultimate authority figure in my young life said it was ok to think for myself.
As far as the teachers in Texas using school curriculum to teach their own beliefs I've got a news flash.
This happens every day in every school in every class. Until kids are taught by robots who have been carefully programed it will always happen somewhere.We are human beings and our beliefs color everything we say even if we are trying to not let that happen.
I think some of the history books in the deep south still say that the south really did win the war.sigh.
I have "fundie" friends that I love in spite of their beliefs. To them I say take the bible as the literal and true word of God and only God if you must. Just don't invite me over for pork chops.
LOL
Great anecdote, Buffy.
I also plan to nominate Nostradamus for the Pulitzer Prize.
But I plan to nominate doc too, so don't hold your breath, Oh Wise One.
co-sign
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