NORTH CAROLINA WEIGHS BAN ON ELECTRICITY, SOAP

Amendment One Supporters Push New Law

NORTH CAROLINA – Flush with victory from the recent  statewide vote, supporters of North Carolina’s Amendment One today moved forward with a bold proposal to ban electricity and soap.

Cal Pinckton, a leading proponent of Amendment One who has helped craft the new law, says the principles behind it are simple: “If the Bible doesn’t mention something, it’s against the law, and the Bible makes no mention of either soap or electricity.”

He adds that North Carolina will “still have plenty of stuff that the Bible does mention, like boils and locusts.”

While some critics of the proposed law said that it could be damaging to North Carolina’s economy since it would drive away fanciers of soap and electricity, Mr. Pinckton sees it differently.

“I think we’ll see a huge boom in tourism,” he says.  “North Carolina is on its way to becoming one great big old timey theme park, like Colonial Williamsburg.”

But Mr. Pinckton is careful to emphasize that under the proposed law, there would be certain situations in which the use of electricity would be permitted: “You could still use electricity for things that are explicitly mandated by the Bible, like transvaginal ultrasounds.”


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ROMNEY PAYS SURPRISE VISIT TO HIS MONEY IN THE CAYMANS

No Timetable for Withdrawal, Says Presumptive Nominee


CAYMAN ISLANDS – In an uncharacteristically emotional scene for the presumptive GOP nominee, Mitt Romney today paid a surprise visit to his money in the Cayman Islands.

Speaking in a bank vault surrounded by stacks of cash, Mr. Romney praised his money for “the brave work you have done in the never-ending fight for freedom from Federal income tax.”
“Thanks to your hard work, losers around the world are envious of me,” he added.  ”For that I salute you.”

Stressing that his money’s mission in the Caymans was “far from over,” he refused to set any timetable for withdrawal.

In a reference to his bid for the Presidency, Mr. Romney told his money, “It would be an honor and a privilege to have my face on you someday.”

After plunging into the stacks of cash to touch many of the dollar bills individually, Mr. Romney boarded his private jet to pay a surprise visit to Switzerland.



In other political news, Newt Gingrich suspended his presidential bid today, telling reporters: “A campaign is like a wife.  When it’s on life-support, it’s time to leave.”


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