RUTH MADOFF: 'THIS IS NOT THE MAN I OWNED NINE HOMES WITH'

Just hours after her husband Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for masterminding a $50 billion Ponzi scheme, Ruth Madoff expressed shock and dismay at her husband's behavior, telling reporters, "This is not the man I owned nine homes with."

"When you spend hundreds of millions of dollars with someone, you think you know him," she said. "I guess I was wrong."

Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."


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BUSH CHARGES $150,000 TO SPEAK; $1.5 MILLION TO SPEAK IN ENGLISH

Former president George W. Bush has let it be known that he is available to speak on the corporate lecture circuit for $150,000 and will be willing to speak in English for $1.5 million.

Tracy Klugian, Mr. Bush's agent and head of the Ex-Presidential Speakers Bureau, explained the disparity in fees: "He is charging ten times as much to speak in English because it requires ten times the effort."

Mr. Bush came to the decision to charge the higher rate for speaking in English after an appearance in Toronto last week with former President Bill Clinton, an experience which he found "draining."

"President Bush didn't realize he was expected to speak in English at the event, since it was in Canada," his agent explained.

Mr. Klugian said that despite the lofty fee, he had already fielded several offers from corporations who would like to hear the former President speak in English: "I think it's the novelty factor."

But the President's agent said he has had to politely decline requests to have Mr. Bush speak in complete sentences: "I tell them, 'Thanks, but you can't afford that.'"

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FARRAH FAWCETT DISAPPOINTED AT HEAVENLY RECEPTION; ANGELS, SAINTS DISTRACTED BY KING OF POP

70s icon and recently-deceased actress Farrah Fawcett expressed disappointment over the reception granted to her by the host of angels responsible for interning new souls into the land of eternal bliss, as newcomer Michael Jackson's arrival turned Heaven into a free-for-all.

Even St. Peter, seeking an autograph from the King of Pop, could not be bothered to welcome Fawcett to Elysian Fields in a timely fashion, much to the former pin-up's consternation.

"It's like, doesn't my courageous battle with cancer count for anything?" asked Fawcett, whose perfected heavenly body roundly bests Michael Jackson's bizarre eternal appearance that he has chosen for himself, which observers say is a cross between a giant diaper-wearing, rattle-holding child and a zombie. "I thank the small gathering of cherubim who claimed that their hair styles were inspired by my 'Charlie's Angels' character, but even my fellow cancer victims were off hoping to catch a glimpse of Jacko."

"No, it's fine," she said, shrugging her shoulders furiously. "Yeah, all I did was eventually succumb to the cancer that I heroically fought. How did Michael Jackson die? Did his nose finally gain sentience and murder him?"

While she will always be remembered for her iconic hairstyle, being an empowering figure to all women, and looking super-bangable, news of Fawcett's passing doesn't look to be able to compete with the death of Jackson, the man responsible for hits like '"Thriller", "Pretty Young Thing", and the eerily prescient "Cardiac Arrest Is My Worst Enemy".

By contrast, Fawcett never even recorded any songs, which some attribute to sheer laziness.

Jesus Christ, Christian deity and assistant manager of Heaven, vehemently defends Jackson's special treatment, saying the man's profoundly world-altering recording and performing career during life warrants all the commotion.

"Jesus Christ, it's Michael Jackson, okay?" said Jesus Christ. "And before you ask me, yes, he does deserve to be here. It's called fucking Thriller. Good songs make up for anything. I'm adding that to the Bible sequel I've been working on."

Another new arrival into Heaven, late-night sidekick and giant-check-purveyor Ed McMahon, doesn't seem to mind the attention being paid to Jackson, and says Fawcett's time will come (again).

"I'm sure she'll still get her private audience with The Big Guy," he said, " though it'll be a lot more laid back and casual, because the welcoming committee will be a little exhausted after riding Jackson in on a flaming chariot with 'Beat It' being played by the finest horn section this side of the River Styx."

Jackson's death has also received the lion's share of media coverage here on Earth. His trip to the hospital alone caused the on-air orgasms of over 40 news personalities.

"MICHAEL JACKSON IS FUCKING FUUUUCKKKK," shouted one CNN anchor breathlessly, excitedly punching through her desk. "SHOW THE FUCKING GRAPHIC WITH BLOOD IN THE HEART AND SHIT."

Others, such as recently-disgraced Governor Mark Sanford and the entire embattled nation of Iran, say Jackson's death is bittersweet for them.

"On the one hand, this guy was an entertainment legend who may not ever truly be equaled," said Sanford. "On the other hand, look, he's dead, let's talk about that some more and ignore my latest hiking incident."

In recent years, Jackson's impressive catalog of work become overshadowed somewhat by persistent allegations that he had inappropriate relations with children, and that he was generally out of his mind. This has some humorists calling his death the most difficult thing to cover since September 11th, which most agreed was really not very funny at the time. The World According To Me blog didn't exist then, but I'd have given it a shot after a respectful amount of time. Maybe on September 12th.

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NEVERLAND RANCH INVESTIGATORS FIND CORPSE OF REAL MICHAEL JACKSON

SANTA BARBARA, CA—During a search for evidence at the Neverland Valley Ranch, investigators discovered a corpse that has been identified as that of Michael Jackson, Santa Barbara police officials announced Saturday.

"Coroners have officially pronounced Michael Jackson dead. From what we can tell, he died between 18 and 20 years ago," forensic investigator Tim Holbrooke said.

According to Holbrooke, Jackson's corpse was buried just inches below a stretch of the miniature-train tracks that run throughout Neverland. The largely desiccated corpse wore the remains of a red, zipper-covered leather jacket and a single glove.

"We positively identified the body as Jackson by his dental records and DNA," Holbrooke said. "But even before we conducted a single forensic test, we began to suspect that that we'd uncovered the real Michael, and that the disturbing figure claiming to be Jackson was a fake."

Holbrooke said that, although the corpse was in an advanced stage of decomposition, when investigators compared the body to early-career publicity photos of Jackson, they saw a striking resemblance in bone structure and facial features. But when they compared the body to photos taken after 1987, the resemblance was negligible.

"This discovery raises a lot of questions, but it also sheds light on a number of disturbing incidents," Holbrooke said. "Frankly, Jackson had been acting pretty strange."

Investigators move Jackson's body, found buried at Neverland Ranch (above).

Forensic experts and music critics are postulating that Jackson was dead before the release of the multi-platinum album Bad. Detectives are currently analyzing the lyrics to "Man In The Mirror" for any clues relating to a look-alike entity that many suspect murdered the youngest member of the Jackson 5 and assumed his identity.

"We believe that Neverland served as some sort of freakishly whimsical tomb constructed by Jackson's killer," Holbrooke said. "We also suspect that all of the iniquities that occurred on that ranch were the work of the imposter. I wouldn't have ever thought it possible, but we are looking at a situation where the sexual abuse of a 13-year-old cancer patient is the tip of the iceberg."

Holbrooke said that, while the recently deceased Jackson imposter has been the leading suspect in the murder investigation, he "could be another victim of some sort."

"Basically, we have no idea what type of creature we are dealing with," Holbrooke said.

A member of the investigative team that discovered Jackson's body described the experience as "otherworldly."

"As we neared the perimeter of Neverland, the dogs started whining and howling like crazy," Santa Barbara County detective Frank Poeller said. "We had to pull them into the house. When we got to Jackson's bedroom, one of them almost choked himself to death on his leash trying to get out through the window. Minutes later, the same dog led us to the corpse."

A representative from Jackson's self-created label, MJJ Productions, said he was not surprised to find out that the current Jackson is an imposter.

"When we were recording 'Heal The World' for Dangerous, I could tell something was terribly, terribly wrong," MJJ manager Luke Allard said. "Michael didn't seem like himself anymore. He'd demand bizarre food and sit for hours in a hyperbaric chamber. His appearance began to become more and more peculiar. Soon afterwards, he started wearing a mask and confiding in a chimpanzee."

"I remember thinking, 'This man has become a monster,'" Allard said. "If only I'd known how right I was."

The creature that claimed to be Michael Jackson.

Allard said he thinks that the imposter broke ties with Jackson's former friends and surrounded himself with children who were too young to notice the radical change.

Vanity Fair reporter Beth Pither visited Neverland in 1994:

"A strangely fearful staff member led me to Jackson, but ran off before I opened the door," Pither said. "Standing there with my hand on an ice-cold doorknob, I heard strange, unnatural sounds—leathery wings flapping, a sorrowful wail, and loud hissing. A wave of dread passed through me as I opened the door, but all I found was Michael and some kids in pajamas eating ice cream and watching 101 Dalmatians."

While their claims have not been corroborated, other Neverland visitors have reported that when when Jackson entered a room, lights flickered, faucets ran blood-red, and screams escaped from the walls.

To aid in the investigation, the FBI enlisted Dr. Richard Weingarden, a noted expert on the paranormal from UC Santa Barbara. After only two hours, Weingarden abandoned the project.

"The smell of sulfur, the decaying facial features, the bizarrely high-pitched voice—it sounds exactly like..." Weingarden said, trailing off. "I'm sure it's nothing. Not a big deal. Nothing to be terrified about, certainly. I have to go. I've got a family."

Megan Gustafson, who left her post as president of the Akron, OH Michael Jackson Fan Club after the singer was accused of molestation, offered a positive view of the grisly revelation.

"This is very disturbing news," Gustafson said. "But to be honest, it's kind of a relief too. Thriller and Off The Wall are really amazing records. Now that both Michael Jacksons are confirmed dead, I can pull the records out of my 'ruined by child abuse' storage bin and start listening to them again."

COUPLE ARRESTED FOR SPILLING CIA SECRETS

Bet you thought I'd be blogging about Michael Jackson, or Farrah Faucett, or even Ed McMahon. Well, you were wrong. All in good time, dear readers, all in good time ...

If you recall, I let plenty of time go by before I blogged about David Carradine's passing in order to bring out the snarky rather than the maudlin in you, and you didn't let me down.

Besides, The World According To ME doesn't necessarily satirize even non-death related events in a timely fashion.

For example:

A married couple (click on the link for the unsatirized facts) who worked at the highest levels of the U.S. government were arrested back on June 5th for revealing CIA secrets, including the identity of a CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

The husband, Richard Cheney, had been employed for eight years as Vice President of the United States.

The couple was taken into custody after CIA analysts pieced together a patchwork quilt of evidence against him that one agency source called "devastating."

"Not only did he reveal classified information that could be helpful to our enemies, he was involved in disseminating false intelligence to sabotage the U.S.," the source said. "There's only one word for that: treason."

The source added that the reason it took so long to arrest Mr. Cheney was "we couldn't find his house on Google Earth."



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GLENN BECK: "ARM STUDENTS ON CAMPUS"

FNC TV show host Glenn Beck recently detailed on his program his ideas for arming college students on the nations’ college campuses. Mr. Beck offered his plan in the wake of the recent shooting deaths on college campuses such as Virginia Tech, University of Texas, Northern Illinois University, and Hampton University. He feels as long as students avoid abortion clinics and holocaust museums, major threats are most likely to occur on the college campus.

Fed up with colleges being "Gun Free" zones, Mr. Beck proposed the distribution of guns to college students through vending machines that could be located next to the soda pop and snack machines on campus.

Mr. Beck stated, "Yes, I think we need to arm college students and what better way than with a vending machine. Prominently displayed gun vending machines could offer a variety of different size pistols to students at a variety of prices."

Since many college students are strapped for cash, Mr. Beck suggested that gun manufacturers likely could be counted on offering "Student discounts" or even free "Saturday night specials" in return for advertisements placed on the vending machines and the chance to influence, at a young age, the brand preferences for these future gun consumers.

Mr. Beck told his audience of his hopes that the gun manufacturers could even offer guns painted with the respective colors of each major university and that it would be cool if the universities themselves sold holsters decorated with their school colors.

Famed televangelist Glenn Beck. He may cry more on television than Tammy Faye Bakker, but he does it because he loves some version of America that the Australian Rupert Murdoch has instilled in him. Don't pull that finger, you know he's half-cocked.

In addition to gun vending machines, Mr. Beck also proposes that universities could work with gun manufacturers to sell their weapons on "Protect Yourself" days, to be held once a month on a rotating basis around the country. Mr. Beck stated, "Heck, I can even see these being fun days where the NRA could partner with the universities and the gun companies and set up target ranges like in the FBI movies with the pop-up people, but where the students could be trained to spot the difference between a crazed suicidal 88 year old nazi-wannabe and an undercover cop and drink beer at the same time."

And yes, Mr. Beck would encourage universities to offer free classes to students on how to safely maintain and fire weapons. He also suggested that gun manufacturers and the NRA might offer to build indoor target ranges in return for naming rights for the buildings and the offer to stock the gift shops with their products.

Mr. Beck also envisions many fraternities actively recruiting gun owners and even hosting pistol parties as a way of demonstrating their commitment to offering a safer college experience to their pledges. "That's right," stated Mr. Beck, "Think about the members of that real serious fraternity in the movie Animal House greeting prospective pledges with marble and ivory handled revolvers stored in museum-like glass cabinets."

Mr. Beck expressed his excitement of the image he had of guns being on every college campus. "So now the next nut job who wants to go postal on a college campus will know that almost every one there is packing heat. And guess what, with the odds stacked against them making a big statement, they will think twice about picking colleges as their next target ranges."



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KEEPING YOUR JOB: WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Unemployment in the United States is rising fast, with some estimates claiming that it could rise as high as 105% in a few months, meaning that some people will need to get two jobs to get back to being counted as employed.

Here's an idea, though: if you didn't suck so much at your job -- or, more importantly, if you could somehow fool people into thinking that you didn't -- maybe you'd be one of the last to go. With this in mind, here are a few items to get you started.

- Get promoted, then lay former boss off
The Japanese call this ancient move "the old switcheroo", but in any language (i.e., English), it means the student has become the teacher. Bonus tip: when asked by your boss why you want his job, do not say "I am going to lay you off."

- Fix economy
The root of the poor job market lies in the ailing U.S. economy. Fix this, and you should be able to keep your job. Try making some graphs, then sending them to President Obama.

- Take enormous crap on boss' desk
Okay, this would be HILARIOUS, dude. You have to do that. Who cares about your job? You're going to get let go anyway. Plus, have you heard about all these companies laying people off? That leaves literally thousands of open positions for you to waltz into, so finding something new ought to be a snap.

- Get new haircut and smile more
These seemingly meaningless actions will actually show people that you care about your hair and are happy, two vital ingredients for success in today's business world.

- Realize that you are rich
Do you have any Swiss bank accounts or large inheritances you may have forgotten about? Chances are, you do, and you don't even need to work any more. Hint: be sure to check in your closet and in your backyard.

- Murder hobo before work and wear his skin like a mask
Think your boss might fire you for this? Think again: it's against the law to fire somebody with a mental illness. Bonus: substitute an employee at a rival company for the hobo, and you may get special recognition from your boss for thinking outside the box.

- Start own business called "Good Ideas, Inc."
People pay lots of money for good ideas -- it's about time you get into that business and start raking in the dough. Caution: do not lay yourself off.

- Tell boss, "You're certainly looking stupid today"
Nobody likes a yes-man, but everyone appreciates a straight shooter. Telling it like it is will not only save your job, but will likely land you a promotion, too. Note: if your boss does not look stupid, focus on their appallingly ugly face or troubled family life.

- Strictly follow advice of arbitrary article online
Sure, the authors of the article you found while you should be working don't know you, your company, or your boss, and have suspicious-sounding qualifications like "career coach" or "life guide", but they have an article online, so they must be doing something right. Who said "you can't believe everything you read"? Exactly -- nobody knows, so obviously that person didn't hang on to their job in the end.

- Realize you're going to get paid anyway
Did you know that you can collect checks just for being laid off? If anything, you need to find a way to get out of your work obligation faster. Try leaking word to the stock market that your company is actually called "Mortgage-Backed Securities LLC", or "Hitler Bonanza, Inc."

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NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR MARRIAGE (NOM): NEW AD FEATURES "CONFUSED" CHILDREN

I think that the people behind this newish ad from panicky gay marriage freakout group National Organization for Marriage intended this to read as some sort of plaintive explication of how being asked to consider the possibility of gay marriage will make children fundamentally confused. This seems weird to me -- after all, it's not the concept of gay marriage that's likely to confuse children, it's homosexuality itself. Seems to me that once you get your kid over that hump, the concept of marriage becomes the easy part. Unless, of course, the child comes from one of the many, many broken homes and failed marriages of heterosexuals. Those are FILLED with confusion and sadness.

Here's the thing, now that these children have gotten a start in the world of commercial television, they'll be able to come to terms with the issue in the same safe, warm, and judgment-free environment that so many others did: high school drama club. ANOTHER BRILLIANT MANEUVER, NOM!

[WATCH.]

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KIM JONG IL: "TIME TO PASS TORCH TO NEW GENERATION OF MADMEN"

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has named his son, Kim Jong-un, to succeed him as president, but reassured his nation, "Our rich tradition of lunacy and megalomania will continue."

The mercurial Kim had kept Western observers guessing for years about a possible succession plan, but in naming his son the North Korean tyrant declared, "It is time to pass the torch to a new generation of madmen."

According to a source close to the dictator, the young Kim Jong-un had long been considered a dark horse to replace his father, "but then in his twenties he showed signs of being a straight-up bananahead."

In making the switch, Kim Jong-Il is hoping that his son will appeal to a coveted demographic group, lunatics between the ages of 18 and 25.

Market research has shown that those younger madmen have been paying less attention to the dictator's public rants in recent years, drifting instead to computer games and the Internet.

The young Kim Jong-un appeared to acknowledge this group in his first public utterance: "I know I have some crazy shoes to fill. You can expect me to carry on a lot of my dad's traditions, like firing missile tests on American holidays and shit like that. But I'll also be tweeting."

And while some members of the North Korean government privately worried that Kim Jong-un could not match his father's flair for insanity, they were encouraged today when he said that his first official act would be to "open a Chevy dealership."

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FLY NATION APPALLED AT UNPROVOKED ATTACK BY UNITED STATES

In a widely reported story, United States President Barack Obama killed a fly with the speed and accuracy of a ninja during an interview with CNBC’s John Harwood on Wednesday, prompting Eugene Whistlebottom, Prime Minister of Musca Domestica, to issue a statement regarding the attack:

“This entirely unwarranted and unprovoked assault is an egregious insult to the entire nation of Musca Domestica. Melissa “Gossamer” Wings, the victim of President Obama’s vicious hand slap, was a widowed mother of thirty-seven thousand. She wasn’t trying to harm the President, and posed no threat other than perhaps being a carrier of one or two fatal diseases. Particularly insulting was his gloating remark, ‘I got the sucker.’ She had not even had a chance to suck his blood.

“We shall not take this attack lightly; rather, we shall move swiftly to respond to this declaration of war. We feel confident that our allies, including but not necessarily limited to horse flies, dragon flies and yes, in these dire circumstances even bees and wasps, will join us in defending our rights to buzz about whomever’s head we please. Sadly, the mayflies will not be with us, as every time their delegation agrees to a plan, they die before they can tell anyone else about it.

“But mayflies not withstanding, the United States should tremble in their red, white and blue boots. If they thought terrorism was a problem, wait until they face germ warfare. We practically invented it.”

When asked for comment, a White House spokesman simply replied, “We’re ready. We’ve issued fly swatters to the National Guard, and Homeland Security has ordered several cans of Raid for when the situation escalates.”

[WATCH OBAMA GO NINJA ON A PESKY FLY]




[WATCH STEPHEN COLBERT]

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HAPPY FATHERS DAY - Dr. B.



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CARRIE PREJEAN TO APPEAR ON "I'M A RIGHT-WING TOOL...GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

One day after being dismissed from her position as Miss California, controversial beauty queen Carrie Prejean has landed a role in a new reality TV series, "I'm a Right-wing Tool... Get Me Out of Here!"

Ms. Prejean will join an eclectic mix of other right-wing tools past and present, including TV host Glenn Beck and former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, in a show which network promotional materials describe as "'The Surreal Life' meets The National Review."

Over the course of the series, Ms. Prejean will be subjected to endurance tests which "will test the limits of her right-wing sensibilities," according to the network promo kit.

In the first episode, taped yesterday, Ms. Prejean was forced to attend a lesbian wedding and a Michael Moore film, and then recycle several newspapers and cans.

"It was a horrible experience," the former Ms. California said afterwards. "Maybe I should have just gone and posed for Playboy after all."

WATCH




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CRASHED AIR FRANCE PLANE 'TOO COWARDLY' TO FLY ACROSS OCEAN, SAY REPUBLICANS

An Air France jet plunged into the Atlantic Ocean while en route from Brazil to France last Monday, killing 228 people in what many republicans in America are calling the most shameful, cowardly plane crash in France's long history of being big wimps about everything.

By not completing its flight across the Atlantic, the French plane demonstrated the true colors of its government: "pink, and some kind of polka dots," according to a press release from the American Conservative American Association of Americans (ACAAA).

"Without a definitive explanation on why the plane went down, we can only assume that the French deliberately crashed into the ocean just to avoid flying over it. This time, they've gone too far," said a spokesperson for the ACAAA.

The crash does remain a mystery, although officials believe that a severe thunderstorm could have caused electrical problems on the plane, including ruining the meals of everyone in coach. That explanation doesn't fly with some conservative Americans, however.

"I drove in a thunderstorm yesterday, and I'm not dead," scoffed Floridian Jeannette Dumbass. "That proves that thunderstorms never hurt anybody."

France's cowardly ways have long been a thorn in the side of patriotic Americans, beginning with the country's chicken livered support of the U.S. during the American Revolutionary War, when French citizens aided American soldiers only by flying large white flags in the face of British troops.

More recently, France refused to co-invade Iraq with the U.S., causing the American government to retaliate by temporarily renaming "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries", a severe blow from which France may never recover.

Currently the two countries share uneasy relations, and Air France's plane crash looks to be straining the relationship even further.

"I feel for those people on board who died, but that's what they get for flying Air Freedom," said known American conservative republican Daniel Crotz of Rainstown, Kansas disdainfully, avoiding having to even say the word "France", which some believe can reduce testosterone. "An American plane would've had no trouble with that ocean. It would have been called Air...Freedom."

"You know what I mean!" he shouted.

Not all Americans directly blame France for the crash, however; some speculate that since the crash occurred "virtually almost" within the Bermuda Triangle -- a region of the ocean that planes sometimes crash in -- powerful supernatural forces could be at work.

"For example, the lost city of Atlantis could be down there, pulling planes down out of the sky due to their gravity machines, and other advanced technology," explained one man from the Internet. "Also, UFOs."

A small minority of U.S. citizens even seem to take offense at the suggestion that their peers hold ill will towards France.

"It's annoying when the inhabitants of a region or a country are stereotyped in a negative way," said Lester Fats of Lardstown, Iowa, speaking to The World According To ME while collecting his welfare check. "It's really unfair."

(Lord, I apologize for this here blog, and please be with all the starving Pygmies down there in New Guinea, Amen.)

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KILL BILL STAR CARRADINE - er - 'KILLED'

Further proof that a life of smoking isn't always what's going to kill you. May his life and death serve as a lesson to spare others from autoerotic asphyxiation.

As everybody on planet Earth knows by now, The Kill Bill movies and Kung Fu television series icon David Carradine was found dead back on June 4th in a Bangkok hotel room.

This is not news, people. I don't do news; I do satire. Between the Iran elections and the Palin/Letterman dustup, it's taken a while to post anything about Carradine's freaky death. Besides, it just didn't feel right satirizing Grasshopper Caine too near to when his death occurred.

For example, I'm still sitting on this upcoming satire for obvious reasons: "CRASHED AIR FRANCE PLANE 'TOO COWARDLY' TO FLY ACROSS OCEAN, SAY REPUBLICANS', even though I pick on France and Republicans only, not the lost crew and passengers. I'll know when the time is right to blog that one (when there's nothing else for me to friggin' blog and I need to blog something, anything -- the time will be right).

OK, back to today's better never-than-late blog:

Thai police told the International Herald Shitraker the 92-year-old actor was found by a hotel maid, hanging in a wardrobe with a rope around his neck – directly between his trousers and boxers.

The star was in Thailand filming his latest ironically titled movie Stretch (I am not making this up; Neck Stretch I would be making up) according to his personal manager Seymour Fassbender (definitely made him up).

Mr. Fassbender told reporters the news was "shocking" adding: “Shit, I haven't been paid my salary for May yet dammit!”

Initial police reports suggest suicide but Fassbender told Bangkok's WABC news network that he believed Carradine had died of natural causes – even with the rope wrapped around his ... neck.

“Hey, method actors, ya know? - maybe he was getting into his role for the new movie – or was hanging something up and had a stroke.”

Carradine was part of an acting dynasty which included his father, Billy Bob Carradine III, mother Lily Lampost Carradine and brothers Larry, Moe and Shep.

After a career which included more than 100 movies with directors such as Billy Kissinger, brother of the famous Freddie Kissinger, and the controversial Ingmar Scrunt, he recently found fame again thanks to his role in Quentin Tarantino's 2003 film Kill Bill, parts I & II.

Carradine was last seen in this year's release, Crank 2: High Voltage, starring Jason Boring, where he played the ridiculous Chinese Triad kingpin Poon Tang.

The star was best known for his role as Shaolin monastery rebel monk Kwai Chang Caine – the Grasshopper - in the 1970’s TV series Kunt Fu, which unfortunately spawned sequels in the '80s and '90s, and is still highly recommended by doctors for curing cases of insomnia.

He reprised the role in a mid-1980s TV movie and played Caine's grandson in the 1990s syndicated series Kunt Fu: The Boredom Continues - which won awards for Worst Actor and Worst Director.

Rumors that Carradine was assassinated by a hit team of Shaolin Temple ninjas have been scotched as mere speculation.

However police are investigating clues that he might well have committed suicide after watching a Thai television replay of his 1970’s Kung Fu series that was broadcast on the evening of his death.



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LETTERMAN RESISTS MAKING JOKE ABOUT PALIN WANTING MASSIVE PIPELINE

One day after apologizing to Alaska governor Sarah Palin about a controversial joke he made on his late-night program, comedian David Letterman has so far resisted the urge to make a joke about Gov Palin's desire for a massive pipeline, a source close to Mr. Letterman revealed today.

Ever since Governor Palin argued strongly last week in favor of the gas pipeline, which would be many miles in length, Mr. Letterman has been "strongly tempted" to make a wisecrack about the situation, the source said.

"Here you have the words 'Sarah Palin' and 'massive pipeline' in the same sentence," the source said. "If David were to leave that alone, it would almost be dereliction of duty."

According to the source, "David first wants to make sure that there's no confusion between a Palin pipeline and Piper Palin -- that would be a real headache."

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AHMADINEJAD SAYS HUGE CROWDS ARE FOR "IRAN'S GOT TALENT"

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad paid tribute to the "enthusiasm and energy of the Iranian people" today, claiming that the hundreds of thousands of people jamming the streets of Tehran were hoping to audition for "Iran's Got Talent."

"The hallmark of any free society is its reality shows," Mr. Ahmadinejad said in a nationally televised address. "This phenomenal turnout of Iranian singers, dancers, and banjo players is a tribute to how far we've come."

But Mr. Ahmadinejad's version of events seemed to be at odds with the events on the ground, where few if any of the crowds assembled could be seen carrying Andrew Lloyd Webber sheet music or a banjo.

But the Iranian president was steadfast in his praise of his talented countrymen, adding, "Some of them have shown an amazing talent for shouting and throwing rocks at policemen."

In a sign that the Iranian government is cracking down on dissent, the Interior Ministry banned most Facebook applications today, except for the "What Ayatollah Are You Most Like" game.

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AHMADINEJAD WINS STANLEY CUP

In what many are describing as an upset victory of unprecedented proportions, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins to win ice hockey's 2009 Stanley Cup, Iran's Interior Ministry announced today.

According to the ministry, which Mr. Ahmadinejad runs, the Iranian hard-liner defeated the Penguins by a score of 6-0, scoring two hat tricks in the victory.

But Penguins star Evgeni Malkin immediately disputed Mr. Ahmadinejad's claim, arguing that the Iranian president did not even appear in the game.

Mr. Ahmadinejad scoffed at Mr. Malkin's charge, stating, "He's just pissed that I was named Most Valuable Player."

The Iranian president took time out from celebrating his Stanley Cup win to announce that he had just been named Poet Laureate of England.

Iranians celebrate by playing jump the molotov cocktail

AMAZING PHOTOS OF EVENTS IN IRAN

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CAPTION THIS PHOTO (DR. B. NEEDS TIME TO POLISH UP SOME UPCOMING BLOGS)

Original Caption: Two babies compete in "Nakizumo,"
or "Crying Sumo." The Japanese contest consists of
two babies being held by sumo wrestlers, who stare
each other down until one of them cries.

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APRIL DHS REPORT WARNED AGAINST EXTREMIST RIGHTWING VIOLENCE

First, I've peppered today's blog with numerous hotlinks, so click
on them for maximum benefit.

Next, let's get this straight. This eighty-something James W. von Brunn guy who walked into the Holocaust Museum and opened fire wasn't "disgruntled," or "frustrated by the economy," or by his "struggles as an artist." This guy is a murderer. He is a racist. He is a monster. Period.

Excuse me if I don't want to hear people explain the "reasons" behind the actions of the profoundly unreasonable. Ever read a book about Hitler? He was a frustrated artist? Hungry for attention? Couldn't get laid? Only had one ball? Sorry, but that's a pretty apt description of a lot of guys, except for the one ball part, and I'm pretty sure none of them have ever invaded Poland.

This is the problem: this particular brand of imbecile is everywhere. They have children. They vote. Some even have their own radio and television talk shows and spew their anger and hatred in between commercial breaks and into the ears of some witless scumbag hunched in his dank basement, polishing the gun he fetishizes along with his mother's underwear, the gun he's going to point into a crowd of people in a shopping mall, an abortion clinic, a college auditorium, or a museum built to honor the innocents who lost their lives to this right-wing Christian white supremacist domestic terrorist asshole's heroes.

The Department of Homeland Security, founded after 9/11 to provide a heads-up on dangerous threats on American soil, recently issued in April a report (warning: PDF format), because government agencies are like that. They issue reports and shit.

That report mentioned something about some far-right nuts likely to act out in 2009 and do dangerous things against the government, Jews, and abortion providers. Clearly that report was just trying to smear the shining conservative movement, and make it easier for illegal immigrants to sneak in to our country and take our jobs at GM.

Or...

Maybe the DHS report actually was talking about these kinds of lone nuts that we actually have to worry about, in any state across the country. Maybe conservatives and Republicans who rush to attack a security report from the government should reconsider their knee-jerk ownership of the issues and tactics that they rush to defend with outrage and mockery .

We see this in the vitriolic attacks alleging prejudice against Sonia Sotomayer, from old white guys who are experts on racism. And make no mistake: the more Newt Gingrich proclaims that white people are being dethroned and Dick Cheney insists humans only respond to brutality, the more these otherwise lone nuts don't feel so lonely, and believe that they have to take some kind of violent action against, oh, anybody.

I expect that these Fox News blowhards will cry out about gun rights and the threat of FEMA camps against the coming tide of rational questions, such as, "Why is it so easy for whacko fuck-ups to get an assault rifle or six?"

FOX PUNDITS RIDICULE WHAT HAS TURNED OUT TO BE A PRESCIENT DHS REPORT - WATCH:




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NEW HAMPSHIRE GOES TO HELL

Surely the news is forthcoming. Surely, this time, the liberal media cannot, will not shirk its responsibility and ignore the shocking facts by pretending nothing's happening and all is fine and good with their scary hippie liberal pervert Obama world. Not with all these charred bodies and screaming kittens about to pour down on our sweet Christian heads.

I await the headlines. I await the startling photos and the jittery video clips documenting the various locust swarms, the floods and the hurricanes and exploding puppies, the pretty flowers spontaneously combusting.

I await the horrible news of the sudden sprouting of multiple demon heads from once-adorable human babies who suddenly start frothing at the mouth and speaking in what everyone thought was delightful gibberish, but which, when slowed down and played backwards through a tub of raspberry vodka, turned out to be Latin for "Satan is my homeboy."

That will be some popular YouTube video, I tell you what.

Did you not hear? Did you not see? For indeed, another smallish east coast state has succumbed to the Dark Lord, hath given its soul over to vile temptation, to sodomy and fine lubricants and superlative gin cocktails made by people who wish merely to fall in love and have lots of sex and feel true passion and then get married and, oh yes, they just so happen to be of the same gender. What a world.

Surely Armageddon is at hand? Surely a storm is coming, and it will shortly rain down rainbow flags and incest and multiple flyers announcing a fabulous sale on Marc Jacobs eyewear, now that New Hampshire has joined Vermont and Massachusetts and the rest by legalizing gay marriage? Surely.

Hmm. Still nothing. Still no signs. No fire, locusts, kittens. I mean, wtf, Lord?

How long must we wait, oh Lord, for you to return in a divine rage of vengeful awesomeness? How long until you cleave the sky with thy holy katana and wipe the Earth free of these gay and liberal heathens with thy divine ShamWow?

After all, it hath been multiple years. Canada. Brazil. Iowa. Gay marriage is slowly taking over the planet. It's everywhere, and nary a peep from Thou up there in the heavens, much less a big, fun fireshow of doom and wrath and angel spit.

Really, what do we have to do to get your attention and help us take care of this, Lord? Legalize pot and practice Wicca and get a genital piercing? Do you not see how soon your beautiful Christian world will soon be turned upside down, how our innocent children will be taught that Muslims and pagans and homosexuals and scary women with tattooed nipples are totally acceptable, whereas fine humanitarians like Dick Cheney and the staff of Fox News are deemed the true monsters?

What are you letting us become, Lord? Do you really want a world where genders and nationalities and sexualities and religious beliefs dissolve and intermix and redefine and explode, as the techno-Twitter nutball free-thinkers gleefully push the human experiment forward and backwards in a big, fucked-up, noisy mess of why-the-hell-not?

Whoops. Excuse my cursing, Lord. I do get a little carried away. But what sort of world will that be? What hath thou created? And where are my goddamn pictures?

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ALASKA GOVERNOR PALIN-IZES NEWT GINGRICH

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin definitely did NOT plagiarize Newt Gingrich during a recent speech about Ronald Reagan. She Palin-ized him.

Though Palin failed to mention that chunks of her 17-minute speech were lifted from a 2005 article co-written by Gingrich, she did acknowledge that, "Recently, Newt Gingrich, he had written a good article about Reagan...."

While introducing Reagan's son Michael at a GOP event in Alaska last Wednesday, Palin said Reagan taught us that, "courage and persistence are keys to historic achievement." In contrast, Gingrich credited Reagan with teaching that, "Courage and persistence are the keys to historic achievement."

Palin also mentioned the Gingrich article a second time during her address -- and though several passages appear to be lifted directly from Gingrich's writing, supporters say Palin sufficiently mangled the former House speaker's words and threw in enough "you betchas" to claim the ideas as her own.

After all, Palin was a college journalism major who was for too smart to fall for Katie Couric's trick "gotcha" questions about what she reads to stay so well-informed.

Critics who are fond of claiming that President Obama is illiterate without a teleprompter pointed out that Palin was not reading from ANY electronic devices whatsoever when she said of Reagan:

"Reagan knew that real change and real change requiring shaking things up and maybe takin' off the entrenched interest thwarting the will of the people with their ignoring of our concerns about future peril caused by selfish short-sighted advocacy for growing government and digging more debt, and taking away individual and state's rights and hampering opportunity to responsibly develop our resources, and coddling those who would seek to harm America and her allies."

A little Reagan trickles down into the speeches of all Republican politicians, but Palin's little Dutch treat showed she'll do whatever it takes to be the GOP's new Cute Rockne.

In other efforts to appear Reaganesque, Palin announced that she had just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever and ordered the Alaska National Guard to begin bombing in five minutes.

She also called on the repressive communist government of China to "tear down that wall."

Video of Palin/Gingrich speech, Part 1:



Part 2:




(PS: Ignore that 1:20 AM thing below...I messed up and can't make it go away.)

GINGRICH ACCUSES SOTOMAYOR OF FAKING BROKEN ANKLE. RUSH WEIGHS IN (GET IT? WEIGHS! COULDN'T HELP MYSELF)

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich accused Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor today of faking a broken ankle in order to get sympathy votes during her Senate confirmation.

"She's only wearing that fake cast to help her rack up votes," Mr. Gingrich said. "The minute she's confirmed, she'll whip it off and start dancing a jig."

While Ms. Sotomayor reportedly broke her ankle while rushing to catch a plane, the former House Speaker said, "The fake-ankle-cast thing is the oldest trick in the book."

Mr. Gingrich said that if Ms. Sotomayor was counting on arousing the empathy of Republican senators by faking a broken ankle, she was "sorely mistaken."

"Ms. Sotomayor needs to brush up on her law," he said. "Last time I checked, empathy was unconstitutional."

Limbaugh wastes no time in making a joke (if you can call it that) about the accident:



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OTHER STATES STILL 'PRETTY SURE' CALIFORNIA IS GAY

Even though California's Supreme Court recently voted to uphold Proposition 8 -- which states that "marriage can only be between a man and a woman, because think about two dudes being married, that's gross, man" -- a new poll indicates that the majority of the rest of the United States believe California is actually gay.

Over 60% of respondents implicated California as a homosexual state, with 20% not sure, and 14% attempting to kill the pre-recorded question through their telephones.

How could California be a gay state despite ballot initiatives and court decisions that don't make gay people feel very gay? Dr. Richard Emmons, a sociologist at Harvard University, says that the state's actions may simply be overcompensation to try and hide its true gay nature.

"For example, I'm a very gay man, like most college professors," Emmons explained. "But when I was younger, I was scared to admit my true sexual nature to the world, so I would do everything possible to appear heterosexual, such as joining the wrestling team and giving other gay children a friendly punch now and then."

Dr. Emmons says it's possible that in the future, California may decide that banning homosexual marriage is unconstitutional -- thereby ruining heterosexual marriages forever -- as it becomes more acceptable to be gay.

"New Hampshire just legalized it today, and I mean, Iowa did it, and they're one of the manliest states in the union," he said. "California is really just sassily dragging its feet."

"Preposterous," countered Justin Pullman, a supporter of Prop. 8. "California is obviously heterosexual. Just look at its chiseled peaks and valleys and sensual beaches -- not to mention the impressive former physique of its current governor. I remember when I first saw [1977 documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger] 'Pumping Iron', I felt like a giddy young schoolboy again. The point is, you have no right calling me gay."

Critics of the ban on Prop. 8 say that the rights of the state's gay citizens must be respected regardless of any voter initiatives, and that the Supreme Court should have grabbed the state's constitution and ripped it in half.

"Okay, I get that California allows ballot propositions from the voters, but obviously this one doesn't count," said gay activist Martin Mondale. He says he is currently working on a ballot proposition of his own to render all ballot propositions related to gay marriage null and void.

But many in the state are celebrating the continuance of the gay marriage ban, citing it as proof that they have more money and better talking points than gay marriage supporters.

"Can you imagine a world where they have to say the word 'gay' in public schools?" asked one California parent in disbelief. "That's disgusting."

"If I had known that this country would one day even be thinking about allowing some of its citizens to have the same rights as others, I would have moved out of here when I was five years old," said another concerned California citizen. "There must be a place left on Earth where they know gay people are wrong...some place the damn Muslim terrorists haven't gotten to yet."

The fight over gay marriage in California is expected to continue, confounding some who believed that after the passage of Prop. 8, it would be over forever. The prospect of a compromise appears bleak, although Vice President Joe Biden said in a recent interview that he and the Obama administration continues to support civil unions for gay couples.

"A civil union can be just as good as marriage, without necessarily being called that," he beamed. "It's a completely separate thing, but it's equal!"

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SILVIO BERLUSCONI - DUDE, WTF?

No parking in the rear Mr Prime Minister...

We just don’t get why people give Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi such a hard time about his fling with the now 18 year old Noemi Letizia…we all make mistakes…it’s not like he has a history of behaving badly…oh wait there was that time he dry-humped a meter maid…



These days the septuagenarian, Viagra-popping Prime Minister of Italy has been seen spotting "talent" at teen birthday parties where he gave a diamond necklace to an 18-year-old for her big day. He said she was a friend's daughter and he just wanted to "raise a glass." (Let's leave that one alone, shall we?)

The loopy PM, who once announced a sex strike in order to win votes in an election, was not classy after newspapers quoted his current wife as saying she wanted a divorce because of his under-age frolicking. The two had lived separate lives for years (duh?) but his public flirtations with women younger than his children became socially embarrassing.

"I was forced to take this step," La Stampa newspaper quoted Mrs. Berlusconi as saying. She said she was outraged that her husband was lining up showgirls and starlets as parliamentary candidates. Berlusconi shot back saying that she should apologize and was the patsy of left-wing opponents. Dude...WTF?




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OBAMA CAIRO SPEECH SETTLES MUSLIM-JEWISH FEUD

U.S. President Barack 'Hussein' Obama's historic speech in Cairo, Egypt, Thursday appears to have cleared up what Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak now calls "the big Middle East mix up and this silly old religious feud."

"Sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes to a look at a problem," said the Israeli leader, as he walked through the Gaza Strip on his way to the new Palestinian homeland for an informal brunch with leaders of Hamas and Fatah. "President Obama was right. We all want the same things. We all have common values. We all worship the same God. I feel like such a knucklehead that I didn't figure this out sooner."

In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad welcomed Obama's call for dialogue without preconditions.

"I suppose I've been a bit unreasonable, testy, even dictatorial at times," said the contrite Iranian leader. "After that speech, I feel like my eyes have been opened. How could I have missed all of the common ground we share with America and Israel. I'm going to have Barack over to the house, and let him know that Iran's nuclear ambitions can take a back seat to our desire for true brotherhood and unity. And boy, do I ever owe those Jews a big apology?"

After the speech, leaders of one Arab monarchy after another announced plans to hold democratic elections, release political prisoners, and to allow women the freedom to attend school, to vote, to dress as they please and to run for political office.

Meanwhile, at the Dome of the Rock, in Jerusalem, Jews, Muslims and Christians joined in singing praise to "the one true God called by many names who just wants us all to get along." The worship service was followed by a old-fashioned Southern Baptist picnic with pulled-pork sandwiches, potato salad with bacon bits, and sweet tea.



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CHENEY RIPS "MISSED OPPORTUNITY" OF OBAMA'S SPEECH: "THAT WAS THE PERFECT TIME TO BOMB THEM"

Former Vice President Dick Cheney blasted President Barack Obama over his speech in Cairo today, calling the address a "missed opportunity," explaining, "While everyone was distracted by his speech, that was the perfect time to bomb them."

Asked to elaborate on his remarks, which he made during an appearance on Fox News, Mr. Cheney said, "Look, it's military strategy 101: create a diversion, then bomb the unsuspecting bastards to kingdom come."

The former vice-president said that if he had made the speech in Cairo, "you can bet your ass it would have played out differently."

"I would have said all the same things about beginning a new era, turning a page, yada yada yada," he said. "But then, ka-BOOM!!!!"

OBAMA'S SPEECH IN CAIRO EGYPT

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FIVE THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ANN COULTER

Is she for real?
This is a common question posed by people who have listened to the venomous scorn heaped on the nation’s liberals by political commentator Ann Coulter. Likened to a “Republican Michael Moore” or “Rush Limbaugh in a miniskirt”, Ann Coulter has made a career out of being the extreme right’s equivalent of that guy who bids a dollar more than the high bid on The Price Is Right…always pushing the envelope a little further.

Is she for real? Could she actually be one of those rat-eating-lizard-chicks from that 80’s show
” V”? We don’t really know…but here are five other things that we do know that you might not have heard before.

Number 1: Coulter thinks evolutionary theory is hogwash

This one might not come as such a surprise…Coulter has proclaimed on many occasions that Darwin’s theories are bogus, and has often criticized the left’s “obsession with Darwin”. Ironically, her position seems to be supported by the existence of political commentators, a species which hasn’t done much evolving at all.

Number 2:Ann Coulter posed in Playboy

Ok, Ann Coulter has not posed in Playboy, but many of you wish that she would. According to Wordtracker, a software tool that measures search term popularity, one of the most popular search terms related to Ann Coulter after “Ann Coulter” is “Ann Coulter in Playboy”. Apparently Republicans find her hot and there just might be some democrats out there who are having some sado-masochistic political fantasies…“Ann…can you do that thing where you take off your clothes while you berate me for being a liberal?”

Number 3: Coulter likes Jews, but wishes that they could undergo a little ” perfecting”…

Number 4: Coulter “outed” Bill Clinton’s crooked member…

Remember the Paula Jones sexual harassment case and the unsavory “evidence” about Bill Clinton’s “distinguishing characteristic”? That disturbing mental image was brought to you by Ann Coulter.

Coulter’s friend George Conway had been assisting in the case and had asked Coulter to help prepare legal briefs. The “distinguishing characteristic”, Bill Clinton’s allegedly crooked penis that Jones could identify if there were such thing as a penis police line up, was a ploy by Coulter to forestall an impending settlement between the two parties. Coulter felt strongly that Jones had a good case and that Clinton should be held publicly accountable.

"Distinguishing Characteristic":

gives another meaning to the term "crooked politician"

Number 5: Ann Coulter really doesn’t want you to know her age…

Ann Coulter seems to think that dishonesty is the secret to longevity. Washington Post writer Lloyd Grove examined some discrepancies with regards to Coulter’s recorded age in an article he wrote called “Mystery Of Ages”. Grove reported that December 8th 1961 is the birth date that Coulter used to register to vote in 1980 as well as the date on her Connecticut drivers license, yet her Washington DC license (acquired later) indicates her birth date as December 1963.

When confronted about this disparity, Coulter remained unwilling to confirm her actual birth date, claiming that she had issues with several stalkers.

Apparently, this tactic is cheaper than getting a Delorean tricked out as a time machine.

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STEWART AND COLBERT RETURN! TAKE ON MEDIA FOR SOTOMAYOR COVERAGE

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert returned to television after a week off--a week in which the President nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. Stewart took on cable news networks (and Republicans in general) for focusing solely on her race and misrepresenting her background as foreign when the judge was born in the United States.

Stewart then looked into her history, growing up in the projects with a single mother trying to avoid drug dealers, and begged the question: "Is that her life story did Oprah create her in a focus group?"

Colbert, on the other hand, was incredibly angry at the president for stripping young white men of the dream to be a supreme court justice. He called the nominee a racist and backed that assertion up by showing clips of conservative talking heads.

WATCH:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
PR Move
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Supreme Court Press
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Keyboard Cat

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NORTH KOREA LAUNCHES ANOTHER MISSLE NOBODY CARES ABOUT

YEONPYEONG, South Korea - North Korea test-fired another missile a few days back, but couldn't get anyone in the U.S. government to get upset, make a speech or even call it a "crisis."

"What the hell is this?" said North Korean President Kim Jong-Il. "The Cuban Missile Crisis generated fear, books, movies and Bob Dylan songs. We don't even get the same coverage as Jon and Kate."

Military analysts say the weapon is a new type of ground-to-air missile that has a range of up to 160 miles, but is unable to penetrate Western media.

North Korea claimed that the U.S. has plans to launch a pre-emptive strike to overthrow its communist government, to which the U.S. replied, "Yeah, right," before losing interest and doing something else.

Talks at the U.N. Security Council over possible sanctions were moving slowly. "That's because we don't give five shits," said a member. "We're working on everything from terrorism to global warming. Kim Jong-Il's cries for attention are as out-of-date as his Roy Orbison hair and John Denver glasses."

China's reaction was strongest, as, for the first time ever, it strongly, forcefully, pulled some crabbing boats out of the area.

The latest missile was the sixth since Monday's nuclear test, but despite North Korea's best intentions, it might have to be its last, for a while.

"We're not made of missiles," said Kim Jong-Il. "There's only so much sabre-rattling we can do. Can't we get mentioned somewhere? Since when are nuclear weapons not on the same radar as Susan Boyle? Any more of this treatment and we're not firing anything."

(Except they might, and soon):

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31038888

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KANSAS ABORTION DOCTOR ABORTED AT 3,752 WEEKS

In an act hailed by extreme abortion-rights activists as "righteously bold", Kansas abortion provider Dr. George Tiller allowed himself to be aborted at 3,752 weeks.

Dr. Tiller was one of only a few U.S. doctors who happily performed late-term abortions, up until his own participation in one. He routinely aborted fetuses over 21 weeks of gestational age, the time at which a fetus can potentially survive on its own, provided it has good job skills.

Tiller once described late-term abortions as his "passion," saying that he hoped eventually the term limits would extend past birth and possibly into adulthood.

Today, while serving as an usher at a local Protestant church, Tiller's wish came true when a white man -- presumably another abortion doctor comfortable performing the procedure in the -3,716th week of pregnancy -- cordially approached the doctor and aborted him with a handgun.

It is believed that Tiller's mother decided to order the abortion on her son after realizing that he was trying to steal her grape preserves. (Mrs. Tiller is 94 and has severe dementia.)

This was not the first attempt to abort Tiller, however; he was shot and wounded by an assailant 16 years ago. Though he was "disappointed" by the failed abortion, Tiller vowed to be the first human adult to be aborted in the U.S.

"Someday soon, we will once and for all abort the idea that abortion should be done before a certain time," said Tiller in a 1999 interview. "Instead, we'll only focus on a woman's choice. Hopefully, I can be the beacon of light for women everywhere that is needed to make that dream a reality."

Troy Newman, of the anti-abortion group Operation Rescue, decried the actions of Tiller and his mother.

"Dr. Tiller's complete disregard -- occurring in a church, of all places -- for the sanctity of human life cannot be ignored," Newman said at a press conference. "And while we at Operation Rescue would never promote violence, evil must sometimes be met with drastic actions. We therefore have no choice but to vow to kill Dr. Tiller's spirit."

Newman then aborted himself in the head in order to pursue Tiller beyond the grave.

Several Kansas pro-life organizations, including Kansans Against Abortion, And Evolution Too (KAAAET), have filed a legal injunction against Tiller's death, with the ultimate hope of putting his body on artificial life support indefinitely.

"Whereas it is currently illegal to abort an adult in Kansas," read the group's statement at an official hearing, "we therefore seek the court's approval to sustain Dr. Tiller's dead body with life support until his natural death, which is statistically likely to occur within the next twenty years."

With 75% of Americans in a recent Gallup poll believing abortion should be legal in some or all circumstances, the country remains evenly divided over whether or not abortion should be permitted, if one is using the definition of "evenly" to mean "not really".

There is a lack of consensus, however, over how late is too late for an abortion. Even many pro-choice organizations decry Dr. Tiller's abortion.

"There comes a point -- in this case, when the fetus can talk to you and smile at you -- when abortion just doesn't feel right," admitted prominent sociologist and pro-choice activist Dr. Samuel Cortez. "I believe that if Dr. Tiller could have seen his brain activity and his cute little eye glasses, he would not have wanted to abort himself."

Abortion remains legal in the U.S., although many believe that's only because of several Supreme Court rulings.

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