This new white format allows me to post complete pics (the other Blogger formats cut them off, practically in half). Pretend you're reading your newspaper or something.
Dates separate each post, barely, so look for the dates on the left. Print is large & readable. Comment section is unchanged. My Profile info was at the bottom, but I moved it back to the top. Deal with it.
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
If you have already abandoned hope,
please disregard this notice.
In this blog, you'll be exposed to the way I see things. Lots of things. Stuff I think of. Things that happen. Random weirdness. Occasional seriousness. My life. My world. My universe. My reality. By reading this, you have given me brief control of your mind....
President Barack Obama today tapped consumer advocate and career presidential candidate Ralph Nader to replace fired General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner, who 'retires' with a $20 million package.
Mr. Nader immediately announced he would join the United Autoworkers Union (UAW).
“The federal government has no intention of running a car company,” Mr. Obama said. “That’s why I’m bringing in Ralph Nader, who had a major influence on GM during the final years of its heyday.”
Other than replacing the CEO and much of the board, and personally approving the firm’s financial recovery plan, the president said he and his government would have “no operational role in GM”....
“General Motors is still a private company, not a government agency,” President Obama said, “I’m not going to be the one putting the nine-volt batteries in the new line of SUVs. You won’t see me attaching the carbon-filter-bag wagons to the pickup truck hitches. And I certainly won’t be hooking up the emissions cap-and-trade meters that will come standard on all new GM vehicles.”
A UAW spokesman said having Mr. Nader as a union member would “reduce the traditional tension between labor and management that has brought the industry to the brink of ruin.”
“We now share a common destiny with the CEO,” the unnamed UAW source said. “When our wages go up, so do Mr. Nader’s. For the first time, we’ll all be on the same team. Of course the GM customer will enjoy the great feeling that he’s driving prosperity for thousands of American families.”
Actor Ed Norton, the Earth Hour 2009 U.S. Ambassador, today announced that, in addition to all citizens and businesses extinguishing lights at 8:30 last Saturday night, he has also signed an "ambassador order" calling for all clocks to move ahead one hour each night for the rest of the Obama administration.
"Each time we spring ahead an hour, we bypass 60 minutes during which vast quantities of carbon would have been belched into the atmosphere by coal-fired plants," said Norton. "Under this plan, the Earth will be spared from more than 2,800 hours worth of carbon emissions during President Obama's first two terms alone."
The ambassador said Earth Hour embassy staff members have "gone above and beyond the call of duty to set an example for the rest of the nation. We've been walking around in the dark for months now. We're committed to saving the planet from the global warming scourge which is currently masquerading as a decade-long cooling trend."
Norton, who is not related to the sewer worker of the same name in Jackie Gleason's TV show "The Honeymooners," likened the Earth Hour observance to the Civil Rights March on Selma, which coincidentally happened 44 years ago to the month.
While Earth Hour may have not packed all the symbolic punch of the Selma march, Norton said he was grateful police didn't react against participants with billy clubs, tear gas and bull whips.
"We were especially concerned about the tear gas," he said, "because it's nearly as bad for the Earth's atmosphere as carbon dioxide."
“WE’VE GOT THE ULTIMATE SHAMWOW– WITH THE AMAZING REUSABLE TAX CUTS, YOU CAN SOAK UP ALL THE RESOURCES IN THE COUNTRY … AND ACTUALLY LEAVE A BIGGER MESS.”
ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi was arrested on felony battery charges in Miami last month following a violent encounter with a hooker, according to The Smoking Gun:
Shlomi told cops he paid [Sasha] Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit...notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face.... After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the [hotel] lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse.
Harris is reportedly considering a lawsuit against Shlomi, though prosecutors "declined to file formal charges" against him. Ya can't make this shit up, folks.
Trinity College has released survey results which seem to indicate that America's love affair with the man upstairs may be hitting a rough patch. The Connecticut institution's "American Religious Identification Survey" details some changes in attitudes and beliefs about religion since its two previous polls conducted in 2001 and 1990.
When asked to identify their religious affiliation, those who answered "none" numbered at 15%, up from 14.2% in 2001 and nearly doubled in percentage from 1990. The study's designers were concerned that the 2001 figures were an anomaly, but the new results seem to suggest a trend. ARIS points out that the "none" category is the only one to have increased in all fifty states.
Overall, the number of self-identified Christians has decreased over 10% since 1990 to 76% of the population. The World According to ME wonders if this will make it 10% more difficult for conservatives to scream and shout about how the United States is a Christian nation framed around Christian values by Christian men. Considering the way ultra-religious right-wingers (ie: Victoria Jackson, Sarah Palin) usually react when confronted with logic or science or any such stuff one might not find in The Bible, I'm doubtful. (Please note that The World According to ME would ask you to refrain from calling me anti-Christian and a Jesus hater and the like as I am both Christian and a Jesus lover.)
Such "one-nation-under-God/church-state-is-not-in-the-Constitution/the-Founders-framed-our-national-values-by-asking-'What-would-Jesus-do?" Christians may be interested to learn that the survey concluded that about 12% of the country are deists.
Deists, if these Bible-thumpers hadn't heard, believe, based on something called reason (a concept many of the super-religious [again, Jackson, Palin, etc] have not even a passing acquaintance with), in the existence of a god or god-like power but reject supernatural revelation.
Famous deists include such losers as: Paine, Jefferson (not George), Madison (not Billy), Washington (not Dinah), Allen (not Debbie), Franklin (nothing whatsoever to do with Peanuts).
Anyhoo, I guess the Founding Fathers would be hardly be spinning in their graves if they knew of this phenomenon. If you wanted to pigeonhole yours truly into any religion, I'll only say that I consider myself spiritually evolving and a believer in the unity of the Whole that is the responsive Universe. Don't get me started....
House Republicans today made a big show about how they were going to drop their own brand-new alternate budget proposal, packed with urban-suburban hip-hop "flava" and dance moves Eric Cantor learned at the Verizon Center, watching Britney Spears. As it turns out, READY THEY WERE NOT, and so everyone is making fun of them, and it.
Yes, ready or not, mostly not, okay - not at all, republicans unveiled their "alternative budget." While it was thin on specifics, it does include one major policy proposal: a huge tax cut for the wealthy. Seriously. What a friggin' surprise.
You've got to love it... Republicans are the gift that just keeps on giving. They've taken the bait and submitted a hurry-up budget with no substance, and they are all arguing about it to boot! They all gathered for the camera today, looking like they'd been up all night working on it too! Really, how much work does it take to create an embarrassingly inadequate 19 page budget? That's a lot of pages of NO! Let me guess at the contents: tax cuts, no healthcare, no clean energy, and no spending. Phew, that was rough!
Hey, has anyone asked John Boehner and Eric Cantor when they'll be submitting the GOP budget alternative to Rush Limbaugh for approval?
Be careful what you say Mrs. Obama. Some radio hosts will attack you for anything. You know, like telling kids that it's cool to get good grades.
While filling in for Laura 'Meghan-McCain-is-fat' Ingraham, radio personality Tammy Bruce (right) quipped "We've got trash in the White House," after playing a clip of Michelle Obama explaining to visiting school children why they should work for good grades.
Talk show loudmouth Tammy Bruce is a near textbook case of trash trashing class. The class in this case being the Obamas. In a well calculated outburst she branded them trash in the White House.
Here's a transript of the conversation (audio below), which aired March 23, 2009:
Bruce: But here's Michelle Obama explaining to some kids what it was like for her growing up because she sounded like a white person, whatever that means.
Obama [audio clip]: I did do my best, getting good grades was always important to me, and it wasn't because my parents were hounding me or that they had the expectation, it was just something that I wanted for myself. I wanted an A. And I didn't care whether it was cool, ‘cause I remember there were kids around my neighborhood who would say, "Ooh, you talk funny, you talk like a white girl." I heard that growing up my whole life, and I was like I don't even know what that means, but you know what? I'm still getting my A.
Bruce: What? What? What -- what is that? And then she devolves into that weird fake accent, like Hillary did when talking to black people. What? What is that? That's, that -- you know what that is.
[Audio clip of David After Dentist]: Is this going to be forever?
Bruce: Yeah, that - remember nitrous oxide kid, on You Tube. No it's not going to be forever, nitrous oxide kid. It's not. Can you -- can you believe that?
Obama: [audio clip]: So do I need to introduce myself?
Bruce: What a shame. That must've just ruined her damn day. "I wanted the A for myself, and I wanted to do it, and ooh, they said you sounded like a white person, I don't know what that means, but uhh." Huh?
Man, oh, man. That's who he's married to, what does that tell you? This is what we've got -- you know what we've got? We've got trash in the White House. Trash is a, is a thing that is color blind, it can cross all eco -- ecosocionomic kind of categories, you can work on Wall Street or work at the Wal-Mart. Trash are people who use other people to get things, who patronize others, who consider you bitter and clingy. It's the most petty, incoherent, rambling rant against the Obamas yet. Based on the audio clip and transcript, I'm not even sure what Bruce is angry about. Does she think Michelle is trash because she got good grades? Or because she's telling a story about her own childhood which obviously means she's self-centered? Or because she's black, but was told she "sounded white," which means she's insincere?
In remarks that seemed guaranteed to create controversy, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh said today that he was "rooting for the planet Earth to explode" because it would help the GOP retake the White House.
Mr. Limbaugh elaborated on his planet explosion theory, explaining that if the world blows up in the next four years "it will happen on Barack Obama's watch."
"Let's face it, the world exploding would be great for the GOP and Barack Obama knows it," he said. "That's why he is doing everything in his power to keep the planet from blowing up."
While asserting that he had his fingers crossed that the planet would detonate sometime in the next four years, he said that there were other scenarios he found equally appealing.
"If the population of the U.S. was suddenly afflicted with plagues, locusts and open sores, that would be fantastic for the Republican Party," he said. "I'm rooting for all of those things to happen."
In an appearance on CNN, Republican National Committee chair Michael Steele seemed to distance himself somewhat from Mr. Limbaugh's remarks, telling Wolf Blitzer, "Rush is a great entertainer who just wants to make people laugh, like Bobby Jindal."
Hedging a little, Mr. Steele insisted that despite perceived differences, he and Mr. Limbaugh are on the same page: "Rush is rooting for me to fail, and I am in fact failing."
Limbaugh Attacks "Barack Ogabe" And His "Angry" Wife (TWO PART AUDIO)
The Obama administration, hoping to find investors to buy $1 trillion worth of so-called "toxic" assets from U.S. financial institutions, has turned to confessed swindler Bernie Madoff to mastermind the sales campaign.
While White House officials acknowledged that joining forces with the jail-bound scam artist was likely to raise some eyebrows, privately they are hoping that when it comes to selling bad assets to investors, the "Madoff magic" will carry the day.
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel said on CNN last night. "If anyone can convince investors to buy a worthless piece of paper, it's Bernie Madoff."
Under the unusual arrangement, Mr. Madoff will be temporarily sprung from his prison cell and permitted to have meetings with prospective investors to sell them on American financial institutions' $1 trillion worth of bad assets, accompanied by a phalanx of armed guards.
"The guards wanted to bring dogs along to chase Madoff if he tries to make a run for it, but we felt that would undercut his credibility with investors," Mr. Emanuel said.
The chief of staff added that having Mr. Madoff spearhead the sale of toxic assets would free up Mr. Obama for more pressing matters, "like appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live."
In other economic news, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said he would raise much-needed capital for the U.S. Treasury by accepting billboard advertising on his forehead.
One day after publisher Random House signed former President George W. Bush to write a presidential memoir entitled Decision Points, Mr. Bush announced that he had tapped former Vice President Dick Cheney to write the memoir for him.
"This book will detail the twelve greatest decisions I've made in my life," Mr. Bush told reporters in Crawford, Texas today. "The thirteenth greatest decision was hiring Dick Cheney to write about the other twelve."
By getting the nod, Mr. Cheney will become the first vice-president in history to write a president's memoir for him.
Mr. Bush said he decided to seek a ghostwriter after realizing that he faced several obstacles to writing the book himself, such as learning to spell.
But according to sources close to the former president, Mr. Cheney was his second choice to write the memoir after Mr. Bush was turned down by his first choice, author James Frey.
Mr. Bush, who reportedly "likes the way he makes things up," had asked Mr. Frey to pen the memoir under the title A Million Little Decision Points.
A spokesman for Dick Cheney said that he would finish writing the memoir in 2009 and would finish redacting it in 2010.
President Obama drew praise from both parties today for retracting his offhand comment on the Letterman Show that he was asking wealthy Democratic nominees to put their investment portfolios in a "blind trust" before joining his administration. Visual-impairment spokespersons called the comment "hurtfully sightist" and demanded $2.1 million more in government stimulus funds for the ocularly challenged. "What's next," asked one angry spokesman, "inviting Stevie Wonder to the White House for a screening?"
This follows by one week a previous vision-centered gaffe, in which President Obama began a speech with the phrase, "In the view of this administration..." As the audience gasped and PR spokesman Robert Gibbs signaled wildly to the lectern, the President immediately realized the obvious truth that sightless people who work for and support his administration have no "view" at all and do not deserve to be marginalized by careless sight-based language in a presidential address. Reacting swiftly to a Gibbs-sponsored insertion on his teleprompter, the president apologized and promised more jobs for the differently sighted, then smoothly returned to the original text, which dealt with National Rose-Growing Week.
More recently, the president drew praise for his quick recovery from the "Special Olympics" remark on Leno, observing that "anyone in any Olympics is 'Special' to me," and adding that he knows several people in wheelchairs, all Democrats, who have bowled 300 or higher.
Original Caption: NBC employees talk to Jay Leno during a commercial break as President Barack Obama appears on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno in Burbank, Calif. Thursday, March 19, 2009.
Original Caption: "British Singer Amy Winehouse leaves the City of Westminster Magistrates Court in west London, Tuesday, March 17, 2009, where she faces a charge of common assault over an incident at a charity ball." Could alcohol have possibly been involved?
The AIG fiasco has kept me busy the past few days or I would have blogged this bit of insanity earlier:
Victoria Jackson, former "Saturday Night Live" cast member and Al Franken hater, went on Sean Hannity's show on Monday night.
She started by cheering "Fox News, yay! The only one with the truth! Yay!"
And ended by saying Rush, Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity should run the country, but it was her words in between that really shocked her fellow panelist, Fox News contributor Bob Beckel.
"My motivation is gone, because [Obama] will punish me if I'm successful. That's how you start communism, is just take -- Cuba. Obama wants to be Castro."
She went on to discuss how she became politically interested, saying:
"Well, I've never been involved in politics. 'Cuz it's just neh neh neh, neh neh neh. But all of a sudden it was, it was: Oh, Hillary Clinton is a socialist, she wants to socialize medicine. Well, I'll have to vote against her. And then all of a sudden a communist appears! Out of nowhere! And that's when I started to get involved. So I did research. Uh, black liberation theology, his church, is Marxist. And his professors are Marxist. Redistribute the wealth --"
At this, Beckel seems genuinely worried for her, trying to reassure her that Obama is not a Communist and that she'll be fine.
After receiving close to $170 billion in bailout money, mega-insurance company American International Group (AIG) promptly paid almost all of its top executives "well-deserved temporary one-time salary raises" of over $1 million apiece.
In order to recognize the American taxpayers for paying their salaries, the company bought a thank you card from a local Rite-Aid pharmacy and mailed it to the White House.
The World According To ME was granted exclusive access to the card, which is made of 100% recycled cardboard. The front reads "To someone special", and the inside contains the following message:
"Dear America: Hey, how's it going? We just wanted to send a quick thank you for helping pay our bonuses during this time of need. We know you sacrificed a lot, and we appreciate everything. Sincerely, your pals, AIG. P.S. -- we stimulated the economy by buying this card, so... we're probably pretty even now."
The card is signed by over 70 AIG employees -- each of whom signed their names with 24 karat gold leaf -- including Edward Liddy, chairman and CEO of the company.
"We felt the need to express how thankful we at AIG are to America," said Liddy in a press conference to discuss the card, "because without the bailout money, we would have definitely had to declare bankruptcy, and I'm pretty sure you can't give bonuses when you're bankrupt, because of a strange condition, unfamiliar to me, that occurs when you don't have any more money."
Preempting critics who hate greeting cards, Liddy also said that the executive bonuses were necessary to keep the firm's top talent from going elsewhere in today's hot financial services job market.
"You need to pay top dollar to keep guys like these. Had they not been around during this recent crisis, we may have been in real danger of needing some more government money. More than we already got."
Liddy added that, on a "completely unrelated note", 11 executives departed the company immediately after receiving their bonuses.
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that President Obama, who has up to this point condemned the bonuses, is "deeply touched" by AIG's card, and has decreed that the card be permanently displayed in a case on the White House lawn.
"Obviously, since the card is addressed to America, everyone in America deserves to see the card," said Gibbs, wiping a tear from his eye. "I've never seen anything like this. It's just beautiful."
Lawmakers on Capitol Hill were so excited by the card that most of them skipped work on Tuesday. They thronged to see the card and have their photos taken with it, waiting up to eight hours in line.
"I think that without us here in Washington, none of this would have happened," said a proud Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "If anyone should get to keep this card, it should be all of us in Congress. We are so awesome."
American intelligence experts are analyzing a new terror video from the American International Group (AIG) in which the leader of the shadowy organization demands billions of dollars from the United States.
In the four-minute tape, which surfaced over the weekend and caused deep concern among U.S. officials, a man believed to be the chairman of AIG says that if his organization is not paid its ransom, "chaos and destruction will rain down on the American economy."
"If we are not paid billions more in bonuses and corporate golf retreats, America will be made to suffer," the man threatens.
Intelligence analysts said that the man, AIG chairman Edward M. Liddy, appears to be speaking at a luxury beach resort that offers few clues as to his exact location, although there is "good intelligence" pointing to the Ritz Carlton in the Cayman Islands.
"We have some reason to believe that he and other AIG executives are there, based on a series of intercepted room service orders from the all-day dining menu," one analyst said.
Reacting to the video, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano raised the nation's terror alert level to orange, meaning "taxpayers are about to get reamed again."
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner also released a response to AIG's latest demands, but intelligence experts said they would need several weeks to decipher Mr. Geithner's response.
Original Caption: U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton answers students' questions during a meeting with students at Ewha Women University in Seoul, South Korea. Surely commenters can improve upon that!
"Wait, hold on just a minute. Who let Limbaugh into this press conference?"
Pennsylvania Republican Senator (and Ann Coulter/Rush Limbaugh irritant) Arlen Specter came out forcefully for the idea of a Congressional investigation of Bush administration wrongdoings. In a Senate Judiciary Committee (on which Mr. Specter is the ranking Republican) hearing convened Wednesday to consider Sen. Patrick Leahy's (D-VT) proposal for a "Truth and Reconciliation Commission" to look into, among other things, the possibility of criminal actions on the part of Bushies during the lead-up to and prosecution of the Iraq War and the "War On Terror."
Sen. Specter's support of such an idea is nothing new, but he seemed to be turning up the heat a bit. While cautioning against a witch-hunt atmosphere in which the Congress could go "helter-skelter" on a "fishing expedition," Specter highlighted his concerns, which have increased due to recent revelations by the Bush Office of Legal Counsel.
Calling the OLC's disclosures about White House attorneys' legal opinions "rather startling," the moderate lawmaker stated his belief that they may be "starting to tread on what may disclose criminal conduct." He continued that if there is reason to believe that the Justice Department under President Bush had knowingly approved actions they knew were illegal, Congress should "go after them." We could not agree with Sen. Specter more whole-heartedly. The idea that there is even a question (and yes we've heard the tired old "you'll tear the country apart" argument) strikes us as ludicrous in the extreme.
So, The World According To ME is pleased to have the chance to offer Arlen Specter some "Sincere Praise." I, it seems, am not able to extend nonsnarkily-intended recognition nearly frequently enough. I jump at the chance and wish there were more Republicans willing to consider trying to get to the bottom of just what the Bush administration was up to (no matter what Rush Limbaugh might say about it).
(Couldn't wait for Saturday to post this one, so I'm calling it a Friday Bonus.... actually, it's gonna be held over through Saturday, so have fun commenting for 2 days! Let's see those numbers, gang.)
Thank God for "Sesame Street," without out it my kids would never have learned to read, count, or talk to over-sized plush animals. The only way to improve upon it is to add caustic British comedians as often as possible.
Gervais was on the set for an interview with Elmo that will air this November when "Sesame Street" premiers its 40th Anniversary episode. Luckily, the AP got a sneak peek.
In the following segment, Gervais and Elmo talk pajamas, charity, where the producer lost control of the interview, and what not to talk about on "Sesame Street." According to Gervais those topics include, "Drugs, child abuse, and the Holocaust."
Original Caption: "US singer Michael Jackson announces that he is set to play ten live concerts at the London O2 Arena in July."
(I have had a monster headache all day and can't come up with the IQ points for a witty blog, so I must count on you, dear readers, to be witty, creative, snarky, funny, sarcastic, cynical, satirical, and so forth, on my behalf. Time to take the reins from me and say, "YES WE CAN!")
With his waistline at a hefty 60 inches and gaining, local man Lester Citibank says that he is now literally too big to have hopes of his diet ever working for him, and will need a surgery bailout to return his health to solvency.
In a meeting at his physician's office in the town of Capitol's Hill, Citibank pleaded with his doctor to give him the liposuction, and warned of dire consequences "rippling throughout the system of my body" if he did not get it.
"Without a bailout, doc, I'm just going to get fatter and fatter, until I fall through the Earth all the way to China," he said. "I know surgery is a tough road to go down, but it's the only way to save me. And there's a lot of me to save."
Citibank's physician, Dr. Unkle Samuels, says he's conflicted about whether or not to grant Citibank the surgery.
"On the one hand, he is disgustingly fat. Even a few more pounds will likely cause him to implode like a dying star," Samuels explained candidly. "Just looking at him leaves me with kind of a queasy feeling, and I can't even fathom how, as his physician, I allowed him to get so big in the first place. I probably should have regulated his caloric intake a little better, but his beady little eyes warmed my heart, and convinced me to tell him it was okay to have a box of donuts every now and then throughout the day."
But, says Samuels, there may be some value in allowing Citibank to fail.
"Yes, there is a chance that he could die, and his family and everyone else who depends on him would be at a loss," Samuels admitted, "but that would certainly teach people not to be so fat, wouldn't it?"
Although Samuels clearly blames himself for Citibank's girth, some say Citibank would have taken far better care of himself if left completely alone.
"I know my son," bawled Citibank's mother, Gertie, "and he ain't no dummy. He coulda switched to diet soda, or told them chicken tenders to leave him alone. But they were givin' 'em away free at the market on Tuesday, and Lester, well he just helped himself to about 10 pounds of 'em before they threatened him with a forklift."
Gertie then sorrowfully ate some Oreos and porkrinds.
Citibank doesn't have the money to pay for any kind of bailout surgery, meaning that even if he request is approved, he'll need to go into debt to the hospital and pay it back over his long road to recovery. But the fatty-fatty-two-by-four has come under criticism from his wife, Sally Mae, and others for eating six fruit pies, a small bison, and other snacks on the way to his meeting with Dr. Samuels, making his requests for surgery a tough sell.
"I love my husband, but it was probably a bad idea for him to spend half of his paycheck on 106 bags of pork rinds right before he visited the doctor," said Sally Mae.
Dr. Samuels is expected to make his decision shortly. In the meantime, Citibank, who runs a small gift shop near his home, is asking members of the community to stick by him in his time of need by making their purchases from him instead of rival chains.
"I know the stuff I sell might be a little more expensive or not as good," he said to a few confused-looking citizens in the parking lot of a local grocery store, "but I made it, and you know me! Isn't that enough?"
I'm not so sure why Rep. Wamp, health care "expert," is smiling. 'Cause he just got his test results back and they said he's brain dead? With health care reform widely considered the next item on the "To-Do" list of President Obama and the Democratic Congress, it is no wonder the Republicans are sending out their best and brightest to hit the airwaves and present alternative solutions.
Congressman Zach Wamp, representing Tennessee's third district, was kind enough to give MSNBC anchor Tamron Hall a satellite interview from Capitol Hill Thursday morning. After remarks that the Democratic plan will "probably [be] the next major step towards socialism" (apparently the GOP is sticking with its favorite label, despite its lack of success in the fall election), the Republican, well, confused Ms. Hall, to say the very least.
Further describing efforts at reform to the nation's health care delivery system "class warfare," he stated plainly that access to medical attention is not a right, but "a privilege." An interesting assertion considering that depending on which poll you believe, upwards of three-quarters of Americans disagree.
The anchor tried to get the Representative to focus on some statistics, namely estimates that place the number of Americans without any coverage at all at approximately 46 million. Additionally, she asked about projections that in the near future as many as 1.5 million Americans could lose their homes due to high health care costs. She pressed on, asking the Congressman if an American with cancer does or does not have a right to treatment.
Mr. Wamp, in the logical and not-at-all erratic style of fellow party members of late, answered "I was just about to finish to say, that for some people it's a right, but for everyone, frankly, it's not necessarily a right." When questioned as to who exactly was entitled to the right to health care access, Wamp enlightened the audience with his belief that about half of the uninsured actually choosing to remain so.
Charging past the argument that in not having regular care from a doctor, very sick people wind up in hospital emergency departments, where it is illegal for them to be refused treatment anyhow and where such attention is far more expensive, Wamp pointed out that there are "gobs" of "illegal immigrants" who receive free treatment in the United States. An interesting and novel approach, considering the discussion was supposed to be about whether or not American citizens have a right to see and be treated by a doctor when needed.
Could it be? Is it possible? Maybe Rep. Wamp is the leader that the GOP has been searching for all these months since the electorate's rejection of Sen. McCain. Could it be possible they have finally found their "The One?" Certainly, his ability to be on several sides of the same argument ("It's not a right," "It's a right for some," "Illegal immigrants get Elmo band-aids.") will come in rather handy for the minority party. Move over Bobby Jindal! Outta the way, Limbaugh. Suck it, Boehner! I think this Tennessee native son's dazzling intellect and rhetorical skills are in need of some recognition. If only I had such a--hey, wait a minute! Looky here. I just so happen to have this rather nice-looking "Pompous Windbag" prize just sitting around my document file. I know it's not exactly a Nobel Prize or an Oscar (alas, not even a Golden Globe) but, heck, it's what I've got to offer. Here, Congressman Wamp, for you...No, no, I insist. It's my privilege. *Cough*
Assuring my dear readers a future of unending restful nights of sleep, Newsweek only a few days ago announced that the United Nations International Atomic Energy Agency's latest inspections, concluded February 19, revealed that Iran (your friendly neighborhood hyper-Islamist dictatorship) has in its possession sufficient amounts of enriched uranium (about 1,000 kilograms) to make an atomic bomb. Why so jumpy, Israel?
With the Iranian military just last Thursday bragging, through Revolutionary Guards commander-in-chief Mohammad Ali Jafari, that Iran has "missiles with the range of 2,000 km (1,250 miles), and based on that all Israeli land...[is] in the range of our missile capabilities," doubts that the Islamic Republic is capable of delivering such a weapon are now in question.
Wait. It gets better. The Presidential Task Force which advises the Obama administration on such light and breezy matters seems to think the IAEA may have underestimated Iran's fissile material stockpiles (ready to be enriched with their 5,600 or so centrifuges, which they hope to increase to 45,000 over the next five years) just a bit in the past few years. In a report entitled "Preventing a Cascade of Instability: U.S. Engagement to Check Iranian Nuclear Progress" (doesn't that just roll of the tongue), the panel states it believes Ahmadinejad, Khamenei, & Co. have enough fissile material to make fifty (that's five-oh) bombs.
The cherry perched atop this oh-so-comforting atomic sundae? That would be the fact that this first nuclear weapon, this one for which the uranium is already enriched, um, yeah, that's going to be ready in less than a year! Sleep tight, Tel Aviv.
The World According To ME's PREDICTION: So convinced am I of my own wisdom (not to mention ability to see into the future) that I'm introducing a new feature. From time-to-time (again, by this I mean whenever I feel up to it) The World According To ME will offer a prognostication of sorts. You can even hold me to it, beloved readers! Shame me through your snarky comments if I fail miserably, tremble and quake in awe at my powers if I turn out to be the new Miss Cleo of the blogiverse (Oh, shit, she turned out to be a fraud, didn't she?). Anyway, you get the idea. And my first stab at peering into the crystal ball is: Israel, never one to rely on artificial sleep-aids such as this news in pill form, will try instead a warm glass of milk and half a banana. Oh, yeah, and they'll air raid the shit out of some Iranian targets within the next nine months.
Nadya Suleman has already "appeared" on Jimmy Kimmel's show twice now, once to introduce the world to the octuplets and declare her love for Jimmy, and once to get smacked around by her child on camera.
In this third "exclusive" Kimmel gets his hands on the birth tape Suleman has been shopping around.
Shockingly, babies don't come out of her after hours of pushing, one at a time, but fly out as if at the end of the world's longest water slide. The doctors and nurses seem both scared and hurt by this experience, but Nadya's lips and hair stayed intact.
It is with deep regret that we inform you of certain cost-cutting measures that will be taken in the coming days so that we can remain competitive. But first some good news. We are happy to report that Bring Your Child to Work Day has been renamed Bring Your Child to Do Work Day. We hope you will contribute unstintingly to the Gummy Bears Overtime Fund.
Now for the harsh realities. We will no longer be serving complimentary cold cuts and soda on Cold Cuts and Soda Day. Stairs will go up, but not down. Please do not use the fire extinguisher unless there is no water in the toilets. Anyone wishing to put out a medium-to-large fire must first fill out form X34J (if in stock). Mr. Johnson and Mr. Green, you will be sharing a desk chair, although you may keep separate desks. With regard to our annual retreat, spouses of non-management employees will be considered luggage. The letters “K,” “Q,” and “Z” are costly and should be used sparingly. Anyone who would like to volunteer for the human weather-stripping experiment, contact Nan Newberg. Also, as of next Wednesday, there will be no Wednesdays.
A number of you have asked about the employee-suggested programs that were implemented last year. While we were all heartened by their popularity—yay, associate assistants!—most of them will be suspended. These include: Kitten Appreciation Moment, Say Hello Day, and the Mandatory Toilet Paper in the Rest Rooms Policy. We are particularly saddened that elevator privileges for housekeeping will once again be on a pay-to-play basis. In order to maintain company morale, however, the mojito fountain in the executive lounge will continue to operate as usual.
The “Don’t Leave Your Coffee Cups on Joan Fannywider’s Desk: It’s Not a Trash Can (Well, It Kind of Is!)” rule will remain in place, although, as of next week, Ms. Fannywider will not. We are all sad to see Ms. Fannywider go, but can we agree that this is a blessing in disguise, since, clearly, it is now or never for her as far as starting a family goes? Good luck, Joan, and kindly return the stapler on your way out.
Mr. Braynfreez, every day is now casual Friday for you. In fact, you don’t even have to bother getting out of bed. If time is money, kudos—you are now a rich man.
To those of you in Quality Control: As indicated by the new sign in your rest room, employees must wash their hands before not returning to work. If you don’t understand what that means, ask Mr. Braynfreez.
It has come to our attention that certain persons feel that executive-compensation packages have been unduly awarded. Management has zero tolerance for negativity. Moreover, now is not the time to play “the blame game.” In days like these, we must tighten our belts and be team players. Note: Anyone who received a signing bonus will be required to return it, posthaste, with interest. In fairness, senior V.P.s were asked to give back the income from last year’s exercised options, but they concluded that the calculation would be difficult and onerous.
Finally, we’d like to announce, with tremendous relief, that once Mr. Braynfreez and the folks in Quality Control go (and after Mr. Hafwitt is replaced with voice mail) no further layoffs are foreseen this quarter. From now on, however, we will operate as a “Stage 2 Company.” Anyone wishing to retain his or her job must therefore: (1) obtain an updated photo I.D. (available through Mr. Braynfreez) and (2) furnish your own salary.
Reminder to members of the Stage 2 Planning Committee: Please let us know whether you prefer swordfish or steak, aisle or window, silver or gold.
We believe these adjustments will result in a stronger, more resilient company. Just think: If every employee could give us merely half of his or her life savings, we would be on the road to a “solution mode”! So let’s put the bad times behind us and all move forward, except for the following persons (see attached).
SATIRE SECTION: Karl Rove was absolutely stunned to discover that his deletion of emails resulted in their deletion, a lawyer for Rove said today. "Mr. Rove thought that his emails would still be there after he deleted them," the lawyer explained.
Mr. Rove spent many painful hours regretting the tragedy. "If he had hair, he would have pulled it out," said Robert Luskin, Rove's attorney. "He was fit to be tied."
"Those emails are now missing?!?" Rove reportedly said in astonishment yesterday. "But they were supposed to be preserved because of Federal law and a pending criminal investigation!!!!" Rove then demanded to know who the hell deleted them and was "absolutely crestfallen" to learn that he had done so himself.
"I was just trying to tidy up my electronic desktop," he sobbed. Some who witnessed Rove's tantrum said that he then held his face in hands as he murmured, "The horror, the horror." Others said that Rove was saying, "Sanjaya, Sanjaya," apparently referring to a performer on American Idol, but that could not be confirmed.
Rove railed against the incompetence of administrators who failed to insure that a proper backup system had been kept, and apparently had to be restrained by trained paramedics when he subsequently discovered that over five million White House emails had also probably been destroyed. Onlookers initially thought that Rove may have been upset that more emails had not been "purposely mislaid," but Rove later made it clear that he was shell-shocked and saddened by the mistake.
"How could the previous Administration be so incompetent that it couldn't keep a copy of a single email?" he said. "Government can't afford to make these kinds of mistakes. I mean, what if we had had to go to war or something?"
Historically no member of government has been so distraught since a Nixon aide accidentally threw a briefcase containing important White House records relating to the Watergate scandal into a river.
TRUTH SECTION: Thursday March 5, 2009 - A deal has been reached whereby Karl Rove will finally testify, under oath, before the House Judiciary Committee, according to chairman John Conyers' office.
Rove has long avoided and ignored subpoenas in the past by claiming executive privilege. Good luck using that excuse now. Congress now has the opportunity to uncover the truth and determine whether improper criteria were used by the Bush Administration to dismiss and retain U.S. Attorneys, for starters. It's a little too late to impeach the bastards, but there are jail cells out there with their names on 'em.
Republicans today criticized Paul Revere for his famous ride, saying that he had violated professional colonial ethics by divulging military secrets in violation of his duty to his lord, the King of England.
"These were sensitive informations about military troop movements with which he had been entrusted," said G. Gordon Liddy, an expert on ethics in government and a professor at several unaccredited law schools.
"Paul Revere was a traitor and a law breaker," said Anakin Skywalker in a confidential interview shortly before his limbs were lopped off and he burst into flame.
Conservatives all over America pointed out that Revere also endangered people's lives by riding willy nilly all over Massachusetts at a full gallop in the dark of night. "He could have trampled someone," said Bill O'Reilly. "Paul Revere was a reckless and irresponsible nazi," he added.
Rush Limbaugh derided Revere as a "coward" and a "snake" who was unwilling to be direct with the British government regarding his complaints about the monarchy. "There were channels," he said.
Tom DeLay shook his head. "There's nothing sadder than Americans who have no respect for the rule of law," he said.
In other news: Media Matters has launched a new "Limbaugh Wire" page which promises to be, first and foremost, a one-stop shop that collects all of the organization's ongoing efforts to monitor the "Rush Effect." And to be sure, this neatly dovetails with the ongoing, widespread effort among Democrats to paint Limbaugh as the dead-ender ball-and-chain strapped to the leg of contemporary conservatism.
But there's a next-level inquiry brewing up here as well, namely: What happens when a political power vacuum gets filled by a media figure? To quote Rush, a lot of Republicans are being told to “bend over and grab the ankles” for him. What do you have to say, commenters?
I know. I couldn't believe it either. The idea that I could get Sarah Palin's new book for nothing. Or that Sarah Palin had written a new book. Or written an old book. Or read an old book. Or used an old book to swat black flies. But there it was in red letters, a banner ad across the top of Newsmax.com:
LATEST: GET SARAH PALIN'S NEW BOOK, JUST PAY SHIPPING! CLICK HERE
Now, I'm just your average hockey mom, but I've taught my children you never click on internet ads. "Rink," I like to say to my eldest, "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is." She'll shoot back something like, "You mean like the Resurrection?" But that's not important. I've done my job as a parent. And even if she gets a cache full of cookies, or ends up in h-ll, I've still got the twins, Bick and Luz.
Still, if you can't trust Newsmax, what can you believe? The late Ronald Kessler works there, and he broke the Reverend Wright story and got every single fact wrong except the words "Chicago" and "church." So I clicked.
And yes, you really can get Sarah Palin's new book, and just pay shipping!
Except it's an old book, it's not by Sarah Palin, you'll pay three times the cost of shipping, and you'll have to subscribe to Newsmax magazine.
Plus I assume my computer is now full of spyware and porno, and not even the kind I like. Hate. Like.
"Sarah Palin's new book" turns out to be a biography by Kaylene Johnson. It's Sarah Palin's book not in the commonly understood sense of a work belonging to its author, as in "Arthur Hailey's Airport," but in the Newsmax sense, of a book being authored by its subject, as in "Airport, the new book by an airport."
It's "new" in the sense that it was published last April, before the election, and before Palin was even tapped as John McCain's running mate. The words "John McCain" don't appear in the index. It has not been updated.
Wait, that isn't exactly true. The cover is different. See if you can spot the change.
SARAH: HOW A HOCKEY MOM TURNED ALASKA'S POLITICAL ESTABLISHMENT UPSIDE DOWN
And now it's called:
SARAH: HOW A HOCKEY MOM TURNED THE POLITICAL ESTABLISHMENT UPSIDE DOWN
So it's not really new, so much as revised. And it's revised in the sense that they've removed the word "Alaska" from the subtitle and replaced it with the article "the."
Still, you can't beat the price. Free free free. "Just pay shipping." Which, for a 5.6-ounce book in a large envelope sent First Class via the US Postal Service would be $1.68. Or $5.95 in Newsmax world.
Plus $39.95 to subscribe to their ghastly magazine.
Dear Outraged Conservative American On The Verge Of Financial Ruin,
Because my wife Buffy has gone to bed early, leaving me time to compose a lengthy letter to you, let me begin by saying that I am so pleased you have found a way to express your hatred for Obama in reclaiming the word Socialism despite the Cold War and the USSR having imploded unsucessfully some years back. I congratulate you on your little knowledge of history, and admire your middling pluck in using the Internet to buy a "United Socialist States of America" T-shirt. Why, that is almost a pun! You might have even purchased your "Stalinists for Obama" logo on an organic cotton T-shirt. A T-shirt labeled "organic" in accordance with the USDA's National Organic Program, an act of top-down ecostalinism so dangerous to Democracy that it has made me literally shit the chair I am sitting in just thinking about it.
So you have purchased a shirt that says, "Four Leaders for Change" - and has pictures of Stalin, Mao, Hitler, and our current President. That is funny! Now, I'm going to gracefully leap over the wide chasm of ignorance that would cause someone to lump Communists and Fascists together - it's that sort of joyous, carefree mediocrity which inspired the idea that we should fight "the Arabs" in the Middle East, and not raise our heads above the warm waters of assholery for long enough to take a breath of brain-nourishing oxygen and realize that there are things called Suniis and Shiites, and those things do not, in fact, consider themselves one happy fucking family of Arabs. In fact, even entertaining that idea now has infected me with that slimy mucous of idiocy to the point where I may have already come down with a violent case of the dumb shits.
Oh, angry American Conservative, lend me your ear. I understand you probably won't even hear me, because I'm only blogging to a loyal handful and not on whatever television channel has the most news about which star has shown us her vagina this week. However, let me ask you for one moment to turn your attention from the daytime courtroom television show you are no doubt watching on a large, flat screen TV you are nowhere near owning, you overweight, undernourished, 300 pound sack of human detritus. If, for a moment, you might turn your head away from whatever it is on the picture box I will condescendingly call "populist," but which you watch with the same rapt attention as a coma patient watches the animal channel in the hospital, I might impart some wisdom.
And no, I will never say this to your face. Because unlike you and all your destitute friends, I am a human being with an evolved sense of empathy for my fellow man, and if I were ever to actually see you sitting there in your long-broken recliner chair which you may or may not have slept in last night, covered in a mix of processed snack food made by a company whose CEO is 200 pounds lighter than you, and wearing a shirt that says "God Don't Give No Handouts," I would shrink in sheer awe of the difference between our lots in life. There, but for the Grace of God, recline I. I would say to myself, "we must be judged as a nation by the least of us, and I will never truly be free unless this poor soul is given a chance at real happiness."
But it is you who has the "Comrade Obama for President of the USSA" T-shirt stretched taught over your midsection, as if that skin of cotton were the only thing holding together your firmament, unimaginably large and without form. It is you who calls Obama the worst thing for America since Gays on TV. It is you who loves the free market even more than you love that Concealed Handgun Carry law in whatever backward state you call home. It is you who hates a handout.
Hey, angry Conservative, do you want to know a secret? The handout is for you, you magnum opus of superfluousness. Do you seriously think that Obama's socialist agenda is going to result in Uncle Samsky taking away your hard-earned absence of anything of value and give it to someone else? Of course not. The handout that you so hate happens when Uncle Sam takes my teachers' retirement and social security-taxed money, and skims a little off so that you can have some. Of my money. The money of me, who voted for Obama so he would take some and give it to you, you lame foot dangling uselessly behind the body politic.
Want to know another secret? The "free market" in actuality is for people like that ginormous "I hope Obama fails" radio show host you love to listen to so much! It's great, if you're like him! It helps him keep all the money he makes! But like an unrequited lover, even though you are cast down again and again while he rakes in the dough, you somehow still maintain a boner for free market capitalism, you ignorant social tumor unfortunately existing just on this side of Homo sapiens.
Let me tell you about the Communist-Fascist-Stalinist-Hitlerist impenetrable melange of fear that you have so inaptly named "socialism":
It's not that you get a handout.It's that now you can go to the doctor! Remember doctors? Now, when your body finally gives up its fight against the chemicals you pour into it that you call food, and you have, at long last, to spend a day in the hospital, you will not go bankrupt.
It's not that you get a handout.It's that now your children can go to a school that has the funds to educate them - so that maybe one day they might grow up to be something other than a troglodytic, mandible-breather like you.
It's not that you get a handout.It's that one day, you will still have a job - building something awesome like a wind power blade or a solar cell, and that job won't be at risk for being sent to Mexico so your Spanish-speaking doppelganger can do it just as well as you probably would. The calamitous free market you espouse says "Si" to cheap labor!
So before you go bandying around words like "socialism" and "handout", take a good, long look at the real and metaphorical shitstorm you find yourself in. And then, take my godddamned tax money. Before I change my mind.
I have to admit that I was skeptical when people suggested that the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States was signaling an end to racism in America.
And I guess I wasn't sufficiently swayed when the Republican Party just so happened to elect Michael Steele — a black man — as the chairman of the RNC just a few short months later. (I mean, they probably would have done that whether or not the old white man beat the charismatic young young black candidate, right?)
And I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't see the writing on the wall when it apparently became appropriate for the black chairman of a major political party to announce that you want to attract younger black voters by making your party more "urban-suburban hip-hop."
But I guess there's no two ways about it when you see stories like this popping up from the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington:
As he concluded his remarks, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann — the event's moderator — told Steele he was "da man."
"Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man," she said.
Because there's really no other way to explain a middle-aged, mid-western female white elected official speaking Ebonics directly into a successful, intelligent black man's face. This has to mean that racism is dead, right? I am right, right?
Please tell me I'm right.
This is the same value-dictorian of the House of Representatives Michele Bachmann who recently eloquently summarized our economic fears with her statement "We're running out of rich people!"
It's the phrase we have all been grappling for to encapsulate our feeling about this crisis but just couldn't find the words.
Now Americans all over the country making the Sophie's Choice of losing their healthcare or losing their homes, have a rallying cry.
Sistah Michele Bachmann, you da woman!
With insights like that I assumed that she had an elaborate plan to pull us out of this mess, so I went to her website to read all the details.
And there it was, right in the Taxes and Economy section:
It is a little thin on the details ("Taxes and the Economy: Content coming soon"), but still gives us some insight into her keen legislative skills, and more important, who she is as a person.
The mayor of Los Alamitos is coming under fire for an e-mail he sent out that depicts the White House lawn planted with watermelons, under the title "No Easter egg hunt this year."
Local businesswoman and city volunteer Keyanus Price, who is black, said she received the e-mail from Mayor Dean Grose's personal account.
"I have had plenty of my share of chicken and watermelon and all those kinds of jokes," Price told The Associated Press. "I honestly don't even understand where he was coming from, sending this to me. As a black person receiving something like this from the city-freakin'-mayor - come on."
Grose confirmed to the AP that he sent the e-mail to Price and said he didn't mean to offend her. He said he was unaware of the racial stereotype that black people like watermelons. Right. Hey, Mayor Grose - I have a bridge I'd like to sell you.
Beyond just the offense of sending this piece of racist garbage to a black woman, what was an elected official doing creating this racist piece of trash in the first place?
Of course Grose didn’t intend to offend. How was he to know that putting watermelons on the white house lawn could possibly be offensive to blacks? That poor, poor man. In his emailed apology he pleaded ignorance of the racialized nature of his offense:
"Bottom line is, we laugh at things and I didn't see this in the same light that she did," Grose told the AP. "I'm sorry. It wasn't sent to offend her personally - or anyone - from the standpoint of the African-American race."
Grose, a republican who became mayor in December, said he sent an apology e-mail to Price and her boss and also left her a voicemail apology.
"Now I am like - wow, is this really how he feels?" Price said.
Yep them colored folks sure do loves them some watermelon. I am surprised he didn’t have chickens running through the watermelon patch to complete the picture. Or a bullet-ridden chimpanzee.
Grose has said he will step down as mayor at the City Council meeting on March 2.
