THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME

The World According to ME hasn't had a new blogpost in twenty days.

BECAUSE:

I've already satirized the BP Oil fuckup, but since the mess hasn't been fixed, it's still in the news today as the non-stop oil continues to come ashore and destroy the Little Mermaid's habitat...

I've already satirized the Texas Board of Ed Textbook shit, and that's still in the news today because the fundie idiots just ratified the textbook changes the other day...

I've already satirized the Pedophile Priests & the Pope, and that's still in the news today as the Catholic Church PR machine trolls ever onward...

I've already satirized the Arizona Immigration Law, and that's still in the news today ...

etc. etc. etc. etc.


THEREFORE:

Don't expect a new comment-worthy blog from me until something FUCKING NEW happens!!



ON THE OTHER HAND:

Because something new DID happen, I actually DO have the following satirical blog for you but DO NOT want to hear 200 comments dissing one of my favorite shows - Lost - now that it has concluded. So I'm closing comments. Deal with it. And have a happy Memorial Day weekend:


FORMER LOST VIEWERS GET SCI-FI FIX FROM FOX NEWS

Bereft of their favorite television series after its climactic finale on Sunday, millions of Lost fans are now getting their sci-fi fix from a different source: Fox News Channel.

Corky 'James' Tiberius, 27, a web designer and president of a local Lost fan club in Madison, Wisconsin, said that he watched Fox News for the first time today and was hooked: "It's sci-fi like Lost, but definitely a whole lot weirder."

Mr. Tiberius said that in the first fifteen minutes of watching Fox News "there were way more mysteries than in a season of Lost."

"Who are these people? Where did they come from? Are they even real? Or is this some kind of alternative universe?" he said of the Fox News personalities. "Whoever created this show has an awesome imagination."





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OIL SLICK POISONS GOD OF THE SEA

NEW ORLEANS -- Federal officials said that the growing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico had poisoned Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea and that last week's drilling rig explosion had damaged his trident.

Poseidon, brother of Zeus and Hades, has been soaked with 210,000 gallons of oil per day. "I'm the god of saltwater, not oil," he complained. "This shit is unbelievable."

Unable to leave his palace made of coral and gems, let alone drive his chariot pulled by giant seahorses, Poseidon surveyed his undersea kingdom while suffering crude oil poisoning, alternating between bouts of vomiting and depression.

The ocean deity brushed off criticism that the disaster was part of his well-known penchant for revenge on humans. "This is all BP's doing," he said. "BP stands for Bastard Petroleum -- not Blame Poseidon."

He said he would be unable to shake sense into the company or anyone else connected to offshore drilling, because his chief implement no longer worked. "Down here, it's trident, baby, trident," he said. "It'll take months to repair."

The aquatic immortal said that despite the disruption to the coastline, the ecosystem and the balance of nature, he had no doubt that BP would restore its name. "They've spilled oil before," he said. "If there's one thing they're good at cleaning up, it's their image."

Poseidon said he wasn't sure how much longer he could go on in his capacity as god of the sea. "I'm thinking I should change my title to god of foreseeable accidents, god of corporate justification or god of unsound energy policy," he said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get this sludge out of my gill."

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ARIZONA IMMIGRATION LAW NABS ILLEGAL SWEDES, POLES, ETC.

PHOENIX - A new law that requires police to question people about their immigration status if they suspect they are in the country illegally should help curb the flow of illegal Irish, Polish and Swedish immigrants through U.S. borders, say supporters.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, whose tough crackdowns have made him a hero in the anti-illegal immigration community, pointed out that the new law would not unfairly target Mexicans, as some of charged.

"The law gives police authority to question anyone they think is here illegally, not just people of Hispanic origin," he pointed out. "So if someone is very pale and blond, that might be cause to investigate as to whether they're here illegally from Sweden.

"Or they might be an albino, in which case they might be here illegally from Albania," he pointed out.

Besides skin shade and hair color, Arpaio said police will be trained to spot other characteristics that may denote whether someone might be in Arizona illegally. For instance:

- Funny accent;
- Sandals;
- Eating croissants and/or strudel;
- Spearing pigeons and putting them into a pillowcase for possible later consumption;
- Saying "coffee" like "cawfee."

"That could mean they're from New York," said Arpaio. "I hate New Yorkers." He noted, however, that since the law doesn't technically make it illegal for New Yorkers to be in Arizona, officers would just "give them a hard time."

While the new law has drawn protests around the state and the country, it has some high-profile supporters, such as Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who signed the bill last week. Brewer said she doesn't like the term "racial profiling," preferring instead to describe the newly proscribed methods as "pro-American policing," or PAP.

"Just look around - these people could be from anywhere," said Gov. Brewer, gesturing to the angry crowds gathered in protest around the Arizona Capitol. "There are a lot of very swarthy people there, and I think police need the freedom to question them as to their status."

When pointed out that the people could just be tanned as a result of living in Arizona, Brewer responded, "Can I see your papers, please?"

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