As Monty Python would say, "...and now for something completely different." Let's get away from political satire for a change, shall we? Especially since there's nothing going on politically that I feel like satirizing, and I haven't blogged about anything in sixteen days.
So, those of you who grew up in the 50s 60s 70s or 80s: Remember all that crap you ate as a kid? How did any of us escape our childhoods without going retarded?
Before I proceed, let me just say: Sorry young'ins. I didn’t eat Gogurt or whatever it was you threw up throughout the 90s. I was growed up enough to know better.
I’m not talking candy or soda or frozen dinners -- which were the bomb, and which make me wonder how I ingested that stuff without losing a stomach, considering how much of it I ate.
I’m talking about:
Fish Sticks
Probably the least offensive of these foods, fish sticks still need to be called out because they’re called “fish sticks.” Say it out loud:
FISH.
STICKS.
I think I liked to eat this stuff because, for being fish, they didn’t have much fishy flavor -- indeed, they didn’t have any flavor beyond whatever tartar sauce my mom would serve out of a jar with them. But they were never my favorite! Not like...
Oscar Mayer Cheesedogs
Hotdogs are amazing, when they’re proper hotdogs.
Oscar Mayer hotdogs are tragic meat tubes constructed from demon seed and hate glue.
But even the manufacturers of these industrial sodium bombs must have shaken their heads at the prospect of serving up hotdogs filled with a yellow, salty paste which they hesitantly labeled “cheese.” Imagine their surprise and wonder when the numbers showed that children across the nation adored these travesties that mock the Natural Order.
Tasty!
McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets
You might not remember this, but before McDonald’s rolled out Chicken McNuggets, chicken was too hard for the tender little mouths of middle-class kids to eat.
I’ll always remember the glorious day when I first sunk my teeth through a chunk of gray and spongy McProtein Mass -- and I'll always remember my pride in being American, citizen of a country in which I possessed the freedom to choose dipping my jellified glob of chicken into honey mustard, barbeque or sweet-and-sour sauce.
Later, I threw up.
Spaghetti-Os
Writing the name of That Thing Which Is The Epitome Of All That Is Wrong With Canned Prepared Meals just made me vomit in my mouth a little.
The brain-like texture of the Os.
The sugary “tomato” sauce.
The tiny, tasteless sausage buttons swimming in said sauce.
What the hell was Franco-American thinking? More importantly, how did I ever eat 10 cans of this stuff a week from ages 3 through 13? Yes, I did repeat first grade -- why do you ask? (Kidding!)
Fruit Roll Ups
The first time I ate a fruit roll up, I realized there was nothing mankind couldn’t accomplish. We’d see flying cars and cities on the Moon by the time I was a teenager.
Mom didn’t like me eating candy, which is why she fed these things to me by the hour, not understanding that corn syrup (or dried corn syrup, for that matter) and sugar ain’t exactly “100% fruit.”
Hey mom, may you be resting in peace, you know what’s 100% fruit?
Fruit.
Not that I would have eaten it...
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
Remember that one kid in the commercials who kept asking why Kraft didn’t name it Cheese & Macaroni? BECAUSE THE CHEESE WAS A COLORED SALT PRODUCT.
I always knew, in the back of my mind, that something was wrong with Kraft Mac & Cheese. Perhaps it started the first time I saw it transformed from food into a congealed waxy mass after sitting in a dish on the counter for an hour.
But I ate the hell out of the stuff anyway -- this was truly my favorite dish. I still pound it down to fix an upset stomach (had a big bowl tonight).
I think the experience must have destroyed something precious in my head, because the first time I actually tried real macaroni and cheese -- you know, something with actual cheese in it -- I was all, yuck, gimme my Kraft!
Capri Sun
Ah, the halcyon days of drinking watered down juice-flavored drink (made from a concentrate of juices that aren’t actually the juices advertised) from a foil bag that included its own straws.
"Made with real fruit juice!" Yeah, all 10 percent of it. Where's the "Made with real high-fructose corn syrup" warning?
Of course, I really didn't care. It was juice in a shiny bag, after all. Never mind that it didn't taste any good -- I was looking good drinking it.
Cheese 'n Crackers
There’s nothing more American than topping soda crackers with a chunk of cheese.
But when that cheese is actually a bastard concoction of oil, acids and several different ways of saying "salt" smeared across a dry, tasteless cracker by way of a red plastic rectangle stored in the same package as the snack, well... you can see why people who liked these things loved Chicken McNuggets.
Like me.
Cap’n Crunch
The fact that I ate this stuff makes me so sad now.
Never mind the instant sogginess of the cereal, and the resulting (and revolting) candified syrup that was created from what once was milk...
...what I can’t wrap my head around is why I continued to eat this “food” that continually ripped up my gums and inside cheeks, resulting in gobs and gobs of mouth beef hanging from the roof of my mouth. And then ask for more.
WTF was I thinking?
School Supplies
White paper. Brown paper. Cardboard paper. Elmer’s Glue. Eraser tips. Probably fruit-scented markers.
Somehow, all these things ended up in my mouth. I didn't exactly "love" eating them... but apparently I liked these items enough to pop them in my mouth throughout elementary.
And sure, I never intended to eat them... but yeah, probably 50 percent of the time, they went down my gullet and into my digestive tract. I wonder how many pounds of yellow paint from my chewed-up No. 2 lead pencils ended up on the walls of my tummy?
Man, I was a screwed-up kid when it came to putting crap in my tummy... but of course I'm fine now, Buffy and I eat healthy these days, and I like exercising as much as the next guy.
He hates it too.
What gross "food" did you love as a kid that makes you go “Hmmm...” nowadays? Discuss.
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