POLL: MAJORITY OF REPUBLICANS GUESS THEY HAVE TO SUPPORT FUCKING ROMNEY

Lack of Other Option Cited

– In what Romney campaign insiders are hailing as a sign that the party faithful are rallying around the former Massachusetts governor, a new poll released today shows that a majority of Republican voters agree with the statement, “I guess I have to support fucking Romney.”

 

When asked why they were now ready to cast their vote for Mr. Romney, a majority of those Republicans polled “strongly agreed” with the statement: “Why do you think?  No one else is fucking running anymore.  Stop asking such stupid fucking questions.  I don’t need this shit.”

Underscoring the sense that he is now the presumptive nominee, the Romney campaign unveiled a new slogan this morning, “You Have No Other Options Anymore.  Start Dealing With It, Losers.”

After sweeping five primary states Tuesday night, Mr. Romney was exultant, telling supporters in Manchester, N.H., “I love American democracy.  I’m good friends with the owners of it.”

The wins by Mr. Romney forced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to suspend his campaign, telling reporters that he was leaving the race “to spend more time with my families.”

As for former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, he offered Mr. Romney this endorsement during an appearance on CNN: “Yeah, I guess I support him, because, well duh, I have absolutely no other choice.  Right?  I mean, really, Piers, what kind of moronic question is that?  I guess this goes to show that you can be a total douchebag and still win the nomination if you have the most dough.  I mean come on — this whole situation makes me want to throw up.  My only consolation is that on Judgment Day I’m going to Heaven, and we’ll have to see what happens to Mr. Magic Underpants.  Haha.  Yeah.  Sweet.”

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NORTH KOREA EXPELLED FROM AXIS OF EVIL Ahmadinejad Cites ‘Lack of Evil’

PYONGYANG – Just hours after an embarrassing launch of a rocket that crashed to the ground in a little over a minute, North Korea suffered another blow to its prestige as it was expelled from the Axis of Evil.

The decision was announced by the presiding Chairman of the Axis of Evil, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who cited as the reason for the expulsion North Korea’s evident “lack of evil.”

“There are a lot of evil countries out there, Iran for one, who are trying to terrify the world by developing nuclear weapons,” he said. “When North Korea launches a so-called ‘rocket’ and it goes about twenty feet before blowing up, that just makes it harder for the rest of us.”

A spokesman for the erstwhile evil nation objected strongly to Mr. Ahmadinejad’s statement, saying it was “totally unfair to judge how evil a country is based on one crappy rocket.”

For a rogue nation that prides itself on threatening the world community, membership in the Axis of Evil is considered essential, which makes North Korea’s expulsion from the group a particularly damaging setback.

“The rocket thing is hurting our credibility, evil-wise, no question about it,” one aide to North Korean President Kim Jong-un said today. “This afternoon we tried to threaten Japan and it went straight to voicemail.”

In a possible sign of newly reduced ambitions, North Korea today hurled a roll of toilet paper over the border at South Korea.

Mr. Ahmadinejad offered no comment about the latest incident on the Korean Peninsula, other than to say, “Really, the whole thing is kind of sad.”


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RANT

Sick of paying taxes? Then stop using firefighters, libraries, schools, the judiciary system, allowing the police and the military to protect you and your country, stop eating meat, cheese, eggs, milk, or produce, driving safe cars on paved roads with traffic lights, walking on sidewalks, using public transportation, visiting museums, national parks, zoos, monuments, public playgrounds, parks, calling 911, flying in airplanes, riding on trains, drinking safe water, bathing, expecting a gallon of gas to actually be a gallon, using Medicare, voting, expecting to receive Social Security, expecting to receive benefits if you fought for our country, using rural electricity or electricity generated by a dam or government facility, using money, using bridges, using rest stops, expecting there to be laws to protect you, expecting your medicine to be safe, expecting our borders to be protected, expecting to own a car or a house, zoning laws, road signs, levees, your roads plowed in the winter, workplace safety laws, labor laws, minimum wage, receiving assistance if you lose your job or become disabled, stop expecting trash pickup, clean air, water, soil, criminals to be convicted and put in prison, stop expecting advances in science and space exploration, don't save your money in an FDIC insured bank, don't expect uniform building codes, safe and clean restaurants, to get a passport, attend a state university, mail a letter, copyright your work or apply for a patent, stop using cures found by labs using federal dollars, stop using elevators, stop expecting doctors to be licensed, expecting to be safe from diseases and viruses fought around the globe, stop using the internet or anything else developed by the military, or expect to be alerted or rescued in case of a natural disaster. These are what Republicans call handouts. I call it CIVILIZATION. - Dr. B.


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AN ARGUMENT AGAINST HEALTHCARE

WASHINGTON – The following message was released today by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:

This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t agree more.

It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have agreed that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be dead. Here at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to the death.

Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the Constitution, which protects every American’s right to shoot another American. It says nothing about giving the person who is shot health insurance to prevent him from dying. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently Florida.

In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito compared the Obama healthcare plan to burial insurance. Coincidentally, burial insurance is the Republican healthcare plan, and one that we enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American would be mandated to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and operated funeral homes. May we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale,™ a luxury mahogany casket with sienna satin interior and the finest imitation antique nickel handles ($2899).

As the organization representing America’s funeral directors, gravediggers, embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme Court will ultimately do the right thing and decide that healthcare flies in the face of every American’s constitutional right to the pursuit of deadness. And when they do, we’ll be waiting for you.

Sincerely,

The National Alliance of Funeral Directors

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HAPPY EASTER!

EXPORTING DEMOCRACY HAS LED TO SHORTAGES OF IT IN U.S., EXPERTS SAY

WASHINGTON – The U.S. policy of exporting democracy abroad has meant that there is very little of it left at home.

That is the grim assessment of a new study commissioned by the University of Rumpleforeskin, which predicts that if the U.S. continues to export democracy at its current pace it may completely run out of it at home by the year 2015.

“We have been exporting democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq while there are severe shortages of it in Wisconsin and Florida,” said Professor Ivan Offlcockitch, who supervised the study. “This is madness.”

Citing the study, Speaker of the House John Boehner said today, “It has been clear to me for some time that we must explore alternative forms of government, such as oligarchy, plutocracy or theocracy.”

Noting that democracy originated in Greece, Mr. Boehner added, “We must reduce our dependence on foreign sources of government.”

The University of Rumpleforeskin study contains several proposals, such as outsourcing the U.S. government to the world’s largest democracy, India.

“The work done by Congress could be accomplished much more efficiently by a series of electronic phone prompts,” the study recommends.

But Mr. Boehner warned that eliminating Congress entirely would have disastrous effects: “That would destroy entire sectors of our economy, especially the prostitution industry.”

Speaking from one of the states hardest hit by the democracy shortage, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker downplayed the seriousness of the problem, calling democracy “overrated.”

“Teachers may teach our children that democracy is important,” he said, “but the solution is to get rid of the teachers.”




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