HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012 FROM DR. B., BUFFY, AND 'THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ME'

GINGRICH PLUMMETS IN POLLS AS VOTERS START REMEMBERING WHO HE IS

Dawning Awareness Threatens Campaign

DES MOINES – In a development that has imperiled his front-runner status in the Republican presidential race, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has plunged in the polls as voters have begun to remember who he is.

Mr. Gingrich had been surging in recent weeks, but according to pollster Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research institute, “That was before people’s memories of who Newt Gingrich is started gradually kicking in.”

According to a new poll released today, Mr. Gingrich fared especially poorly among voters who agreed with the statement, “Wait a minute, that guy? He was an enormous dick.”

“Newt Gingrich has got to do something fast to keep people from remembering who he is,” pollster Logsdon said. “He might try growing a moustache or wearing an eye patch, but that might be too little, too late.”

On the ground in Iowa, Gingrich campaign strategists are working overtime to confront the challenge posed by voters remembering who he is, aides to the former House Speaker said today.

According to one campaign source, the Gingrich campaign has begun seeking the support of people with mental disorders and other memory issues that make it hard for them to retain basic information.

“The problem is, most of those people are currently running for President,” the source said.

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THIRTEEN SURPRISING WAYS EARTH IS JUST LIKE NEWLY-DISCOVERED PLANET KEPLER 22B

We may not be alone. That’s the message from NASA, which says a new planet by the dorm room-sounding name of Kepler 22b has been discovered. Kepler 22b is reportedly a lot like Earth in that it orbits around a single star and may have water on its surface, indicating it may be the first planet discovered that might have life on it .

But did you know there are other similarities between the two? Here are some other features of Kepler 22b that are eerily similar to Earth:

1. Four Kepler 22b women have come forward to say they had affairs with Herman Cain.

2. Scientists say there's a small but vocal Occupy 22B Wall Street movement that's sprung up.

3. They sent a transmission asking E! to stop showing 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians.'

4. Donald Trump has already claimed the entire eastern half of the planet to build high-rise condos.

5. Brett Favre has announced that, if contacted, he would be more than willing to play for an expansion team based on Kepler-22b.

6. It's way out in space, but holiday shopping is very popular. The day after Thanksgiving is called Black Hole Friday.

7. No one is quite sure why, but Lindsay Lohan is also on probation there.

8. One of its highest-rated TV shows is 'CSI: Kepler 22b.'

9. No one there believes Al Gore invented the Internet, either.

10. People there are just as stunned as we were. Not that there are two similar planets. That Britney Spears is engaged.

11. When plugging in your home address, your GPS will send you off a cliff on Kepler 22b as well.

12. People there are also clamoring for a summer tour featuring legendary R&B band Kepler 22b, Wind, & Fire.

13. Much like us on Earth, they don’t have proof of intelligent life in the universe. Thanks a lot, George W. Bush.

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A LETTER FROM GOLDMAN SACHS CONCERNING OCCUPY WALL STREET

NEW YORK – The following is a letter released today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say “Let them eat cake.” But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, “Occupy this.” We haven’t felt so good about something we’ve sold since our souls.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Blankfein

Chairman, Goldman Sachs

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