THE WISDOM OF TEAPARTY JESUS

Ever since Pastor Glenn Beck delivered his sermon on the Lincoln Memorial steps, I've been wondering how he and his followers can love Jesus, but hate welfare, health care and gun control. I mean, charity, healing, pacifism...that's pretty much Jesus's whole platform.

Then it hit me - the Teabaggers are talking about a different Jesus.

I mean, it was a pretty common name back then. You could walk into any crowd and be sure that you'd hear someone yelling, "Oh, Jesus!"

But this other Jesus was obviously a pretty special guy, too....

The type of guy who'd refuse to cure lepers because it was a pre-existing condition.

People would ask him for a miracle to feed a multitude, and he'd tell them to go out and work for their loaves and fishes, like he did.

He wouldn't render squat unto Caesar - he was Taxed Enough Already!

And you can bet your ass he wouldn't lie down and be crucified by a bunch of sword-grabbing Romans. Not this guy. He wants his Judea back!

So be comforted by the special wisdom to be found in the
12 Sayings of Tea Party Jesus:


1. Blessed are the rich.... for their kids shall inherit the earth, with no death tax.

2. Blessed are the warmongers.... for they shall escape investigation.

3. Whoever shall smite thee on the cheek.... turn thou to another country that had nothing to do with it, and smite them a hundredfold... and take their oil.

4. It is easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven... for he can afford to puree a camel and force it through the eye of a needle.

5. Let him who has not yet been caught sinning in a men's room cast the first stone.

6. Ask and ye shall be given.... a lecture on why getting Unemployment doeth make ye a bunch of commies.

7. Knock and the door shall be opened.... as long as thou hast the right birth certificate.

8. Love one another.... unless thou art gay, in which case, burn in Hell, thou perv!

9. Ye hast made this place a den of thieves, but God forbid anyone should regulate it

10. Consider the lilies of the field.... they neither vote, nor own, so go ahead and strip mine that field.

11. What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world, but lose his soul?.... Duh! His profit is the whole world!

12. All those who live by the sword.... shall die by my .44 Magnum, punk!





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FLORIDA CHURCH INTRODUCES 'HOT' 9/11 PARTY IDEA. WAIT, NOW IT'S OFF. WAIT, NOW IT'S BACK ON. NOPE, IT'S OFF.

The Dove World Outreach Center is a Gainesville, Florida-based church whose members believe in “the whole Bible,” the “end times,” and other cool Jesus stuff. For September 11, they’ve planned a whopper of a party called (link to creepy Facebook page): “International Burn a Quran Day,” and it is very inclusive! Anyone with a Koran to burn and the belief that Islam is “of the Devil” can attend. A bad-ass mustache is optional, especially for ladies. After all, Jesus died so we could make ourselves look like washed-up porn actors.

International Burn a Quran Day ‘10 will celebrate some of Real America’s most popular past times, such as:

☞ setting Korans on fire

☞ watching the pretty orange colors

☞ praying

☞ repressing urges

☞ just drinking the fruit punch and not thinking like that, about the desires

☞ chatting about how the world’s gonna end soon

Sounds even better than the No Homo Mayor Protest! That’s Dove World’s other, more Westboro Baptist Church-y event, at which they went to Gainesville City Hall and yelled and yelled until incoming gay mayor Craig Lowe turned into Anita Bryant.

Senior pastor Terry Jones and his World of peaceful Doves hate muslinism so much because it’s “a violent and oppressive religion that is trying to mascarade itself as a religion of peace, seeking to deceive our society.” (With mascara!) The church has erected an “Islam is of the devil” sign in their front yard, which people in the town don’t really like — even though it is, as Jones told the Gainesville Sun, “a great act of love.” Unlike homosexuality — which the church website says is “detestable, indecent, wicked, offensive, perverted, shameful, unnatural, degrading, impure, futile, foolish, godless, dishonorable, a lie.” (This assessment does not apply on Sundays between 8 PM and midnight, when the church invites fellow Floridian and friend-of-rent-boys George Rekers to lead a Bible study session. Bring a covered dish!)

If you’re a woman who wants to leave Islam, Dove World will give you free shelter and food. This deal does not apply to muslin dudes, though, which is partly why all muslin-men are angry terrorists.




Wait... now it's off: http://tinyurl.com/3yxajpk

Wait... now it's back on (maybe): http://tinyurl.com/32sx8od

Nope... it's definitely off, but hey guys, the burning of my 7th grade math book is still on. - Dr. B.


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