WIKILEAKS CHRISTMAS SHOCKER: THE SANTA DOCUMENTS

Even while facing criminal charges in both the United States and Europe, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is threatening Democratic interests around the globe. As heinous as his releases of an Al Qaeda Target List and names of CIA Agents abroad were, his latest proclamation is all the more upsetting. WikiLeaks is pledging to release, on December 25th Eastern Standard Time, multiple documents “shedding truthful and damaging light” on Christmas as we know it.

The Xmas Files, as WikiLeaks has dubbed them, contain classified information about the operations of Santa Nicholas Claus and his operations at the North Pole. While we do not condone the release of these documents, we hope your curiosity will be satiated by this carefully chosen sample.

1. The Naughty List. Through their clandestine Elven infiltrators, WikiLeaks has obtained a portion of Mr. Claus’s Official 2010 Naughty And Nice List. While seeing such names as Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, and even Mr. Assange himself on the more sinister side of the ledger, the classified files on every human being are also included in graphic detail.

Considerably darkening the matter was the alleged method of information retrieval by the North Pole syndicate. There are evidently over two million informants on the Claus payroll worldwide, including ex CIA, KGB, East German Stasi and regular people with pocket-sized recording devices worldwide. Mr. Assange claims his documents came from a disgruntled Claus informant who was sold out at Heathrow Airport trying to move these documents to Greenland, the territory nearest Santa’s homestead.

The following is a portion of the list in the possession of WikiLeaks:

2. The Location of the Pole. Many have ignored their fleeting suspicions as to why Santa Claus’s laboratory is located at the North Pole. For years it was assumed that the 365 days of winter created a constant Christmas Wonderland, a magical place where it’s The Most Wonderful Time All Year. But eye-opening documents held by WikiLeaks show another factor: it’s technically international space.

Evidently, Mr. Claus gets way more from his North Pole location than just powder-white snow. Since it is not part of any national body, he doesn’t pay a dime in federal income or property tax. He is also not subject to the rulings by the United Nations, Geneva Conventions, or Amnesty International, refusing to provide a decent living wage or sanitary living conditions for his teeming masses of elf workers. While Santa lives in gaudy Saddam-like palaces that feature year-round Christmas lights and mechanical polar bears, the elves live forty to a room in wooden barracks with only the bare minimum of steam heating to keep them from freezing to death. After all, elves are traditionally temperate woodland creatures.

The following is an electric bill stolen by one of WikiLeaks’ informants:


3. The Chimney Truth. Also indicting Kris Kringle is hard evidence regarding his infiltration of every home on Christmas morning. The story goes that Santa, despite his size and the volume of the gifts, slithers down the chimney to deliver presents to the good little boys and girls of the world. The truth is shocking and terrible.

Turns out, Christmas delivery does not begin on December 24th, but on September 8th, in which Mr. Claus orders the illegal phone tapping of every phone in the world. His team of surveillance elves, one of which is the likely source of this information, take detailed and highly unethical notes regarding entryways into each and every domicile. Using a slush fund from illegal arms sales, they bribe companies for their residential security alarm codes. And while the entering of your home is often through the chimney, Santa sits on the roof eating biscuits while his elves, who are not even given health benefits or hazard pay, are forced to schlep the gifts from the sleigh to the tree. Any elf caught slacking or not bringing the cookies and milk to the roof for their master is subject to vicious medieval torture and potential execution.

Here's the signed confession by Boris the Elf:

4. The Plans. While it made total sense back in the days of the hobby horse and the paper doll, the idea that Santa Claus’s factory is capable of providing iPads, Xboxes, and flat panel televisions to the youth of America seems unfathomable. How could they actually deliver the same product provided by Apple, Microsoft, or Nintendo? The answer is devastating to the North Pole corporation.

Mrs. Claus, the lovely better-half to Santa, personally oversees a network of international industrial spies who hack into corporate mainframes and steal plans for some of the most wished-after products on the globe. They then return the plans to the North Pole where kidnapped German engineers are blackmailed into building them to the exact specifications. They are also forced to wear demeaning elf costumes to maintain the sanctity of the myth. Not only does this operation owe over $70 trillion in copyright infringement fines, they are also responsible for the murder of two Sony of Japan factory security guards who, “picked the wrong time to wake up from their nap.”

The following is a translation of a recording from the Sony of Japan robbery. Please note this is not suitable for children:

Here's the English translation below.

Mrs. Claus: We need the plans to the Playstation 3 and the BluRay player.

Conspirator #1: The Playstation 3 is a BluRay player.

Mrs. Claus: I’ll ask you not to talk back to me.

Conspirator #2: Madame Claus. I was able to copy all of Sony’s plans for their new line of mp3 players. What shall I do with the originals.

Mrs. Claus: Burn them. That’s an order.
(unknown sounds)

Mrs. Claus: Look, get him!

Security Guard: No, please! I won’t tell anyone anything.

Mrs. Claus: We’ll be sure about that. Take his tongue.
Security Guard: No! No! (inaudible)

5. The Bold Faced Red Nosed Lie. Nearly as iconic as Santa himself is the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, whose legendary lightbulb on the tip of his snout guides the magic sleigh through the Christmas night air. If only the reality was so playful and childlike.

WikiLeaks has evidence to prove that the name, “Red Nosed Reindeer” was actually a moniker given by Rudolph’s enemies. Rudy, as he is known on the streets of the North Pole, has killed over 200 elves at the command of Santa Claus. The wonderful deer is actually the implement by which Santa tortures and maims his unruly staff members. WikiLeaks has promised a video in which an elf, who knocked over a plastic snowman perched on a lawn, is gored like a weak bullfighter by the vicious Rudy as Donner and Blitzen callously take bets on how long the elf can crawl away before succumbing to his injuries. All of this took place under the watchful eye of Kringle, a man whose jolly nature is more challenged by the leak.

Smuggled Screen Grab from North Pole Security Surveillance Video.

This is a transcribed voice mail recording from the Headquarters of Amnesty International in London, UK:

Recording: Thank you for calling Amnesty International. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it now, or wait for the tone to leave a brief message. Thanks!

Caller: Listen, I need to talk fast. He’ll kill me if he finds out. The reindeer. He’s using the reindeer to kill everyone. Blood, so much blood everywhere. The snow runs red with it. Oh my god, no! No, Rudy, no! You bastard! You son of a bitch! You’ll go down in history, you bastard!

-end-

6. The Worst Lie. Perhaps the most shocking and horrible claim made by the WikiLeaks site is the insidious insinuation that Santa Claus, including his North Pole factory, reindeer, and legion of slave elves, does not exist. Mr. Assange claims that every single present delivered by Santa is actually delivered by your parents. Not only that, but those cookies and milk are not consumed by Kringle as a peace offering, but by your father as he watches The Daily Show.

While the WikiLeaks site has concrete proof of the rest of this content, this final lie is one I simply cannot believe. After all, the packages are signed ‘Santa’ for a reason, aren’t they?

Email correspondence between Julian Assange and Christine Assange:

o´¯`❄.¸(░) `O.¸¸.¸. o´¯`❄. ¸(░) `O. ❄。 ¨¯`*✲ ´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄*´*。 ✲O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸.✲. ¸. o´¯`¸. o´¯`❄¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸.✲´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸❄。 `O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`❄。 ¨¯`*✲.... ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`❄. ¸ (░) ´...*。 ✲´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

~ DOC ~

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PALIN QUITS 'BYHEART' AUDIO BOOK AFTER SECOND CHAPTER

NEW YORK -- The publishing world was stunned today when Sarah Palin walked out of the recording studio in the midst of narrating the audio version of her latest book, America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag, after only the first two chapters.

"Sarah's really super sorry," said Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton. "The Governor is very busy with, well, things -- her family, her totally-not-at-all running for 2012, fear-mongering on a global scale, the Rapture -- you know, Neo-Con stuff. But I do know the Governor plans to send homemade apology cookies to the fine, hard-working Americans at HarperCollins asap."

"What the fuck is her problem?" HarperCollins said in a statement yesterday. "It's not like we expected anything massive from her -- but you'd think even talking about herself for a shitload of money might hold her Narcissistic attention span longer than the Alaskan governorship or college ever did. Can't this woman finish a single goddamn thing?"

Two years ago, an unknown Palin stepped onto the national stage alongside Republican presidential candidate John McCain and showed America that, like herpes, she wasn't going anywhere. While the majority of Americans holding passports and diplomas waited suspiciously for the punchline, to many Americans, it was love at first wink.

HarperCollins saw gold.

"We said to ourselves, 'Now here is a woman with a lot of stupid fucking followers,'" said media director Robert Brennan of Harper Audio. "We knew we had to be creative because we were going after a huge segment of the population that doesn't traditionally read much past 'Improved Buttery Flavor!' I mean, come on; how many of them even read that Good Book they're always throwing at people? But then we had the bright idea: Audio books! Now millions of Americans could enjoy every saccharine-sweet, value-laden talking point from the serial drop-out Governor's latest publication--right in the comfort of their Ford F-350s."

It seemed a match made in heaven (King James version), until Palin, once again, went rogue.

"Geez u guys," Palin commented from behind the protective safety glass of her Facebook page to avoid the possibility of any follow-up questions. "i dont know y ppl r gettin so bent outta shape about this." Facebook ironically does not impose any character restrictions on its users. "i think regular americans can understand y ive done what i did. its about goin 4 the ball when u c it. givin 110%. theres no i in usa, ppl, cuz im a mom and just a regular main street american concerned 4 my country n the economy n stoppin terrorism ;)"

Palin was correct about her understanding followers.

"That poor dear is just working so hard for our country, they really ought'n let her be," said Lurlene Meyers of Manhattan, Kansas; an unemployed mother of six with no skill-sets, nobly referred to by her Pro-Family community as a stay-at-home-wife-and-mom. "Between having that Muslim in the White House and all of them in Warshington turning my Medicare into some government-run healthcare program, well, I just think it's so refreshing to have a capable woman like that Sarah Palin clearing a landing strip for Jesus."

HarperCollins says they're in negotiations with Tina Fey, who they hope can help them meet their anticipated release date.

In other news, Palin says North Korea is America's ally, then she responds to her "our ally North Korea" gaffe. Does she: A) apologize for the mix up? B) point out that it was obvious what she really meant, or C) post a list of every gaffe or slip of the tongue Obama's ever made
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/11/palin-fires-back-on-facebook-w.html?hpid=topnews


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POLL: 1 IN 5 AMERICANS BELIEVE PRESIDENT OBAMA IS A CACTUS

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday, nearly 20 percent of U.S. citizens now believe Barack Obama is a cactus, the most Americans to identify the president as a water- retaining desert plant since he took office.

A growing segment of the population believes
the president is pollinated by moths and hummingbirds.

The poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, found a sharp rise in the number of Americans who say they firmly believe Obama was either born a cactus, became a cactus during his youth, or has questionable links to the Cactaceae family.

"We asked people of varying races, ages, and backgrounds the same question: 'What is President Barack Obama?'" Pew spokeswoman Jodi Miller told reporters. "And a fifth of them responded, 'A cactus.'"

According to the poll, Obama has lost favor among many voters who supported his candidacy in 2008 but have since come to doubt he is a mammal. While these Americans concede Obama may not specifically be a cactus, most believe he is a plant of some kind, with 18 percent saying the president is a ficus, 37 percent believing him to be a grain such as wheat or millet, and 12 percent convinced he is an old-growth forest in Northern California.

When asked why they agreed with the statement "President Obama is a large succulent plant composed of specialized cells designed for water retention in arid climates," many responded that they "just know," claiming the president only acts like a human being for political purposes and is truly a cactus at heart.

A number of polled Americans identified
the above as a photo of President Obama.
White House officials have asserted that
the nation's 44th president is a person.

"You can't go a day without hearing how Obama's a radical cactus sympathizer who wants to sap America of all its drinking water, or how he was actually born in the Kalahari Desert," said media critic Lynn Pelmont, referring to cable news outlets that suggest the president has prickly spines he uses to protect himself from thirsty animals. "For a man who prides himself on delivering a coherent message, there's an awful lot of confusion out there about whether he's a Harvard Law graduate or a leafless flowering shrub."

"He must speak frankly to the American people about his mammalian background," Pelmont added. "If not, it's only a matter of time before people start believing those fringe bloggers who claim the president of the United States is actually an old washing machine."

Some Beltway observers have accused Republicans of tacitly encouraging the cactus rumor, pointing out that if millions of voters believe Obama produces buds through spirally arranged areoles situated along his stem, the GOP has a much better chance of retaking Congress in November.

"If the president says he is a human being, I'll take him at his word," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said Sunday on Meet the Press. "Though I've never heard him complain about being thirsty. Not once. That could be a coincidence, I suppose, but it's really not my place to say."

During a Wednesday morning briefing, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs once again denied that President Obama is a cactus, citing numerous physiological attributes of the nation's chief executive, including his ability to walk upright and to manipulate objects with his opposable thumbs.

"Cacti don't talk," said Gibbs, shaking his head. "They just don't."

President Barack Hussein Obama was born Aug. 4, 1961 in Honolulu, HI to parents Ann Dunham and Barack Obama, Sr. From the ages of 6 to 10 he lived with his mother and stepfather in Indonesia, where he attended Besuki Public School and St. Francis of Assisi Catholic School. In 1971, Obama returned to Hawaii, where he was raised primarily by his grandmother until he left home to attend Occidental College in Los Angeles.

"I don't care what he says or what his people say or what anybody else says," 48-year-old Kansas resident Jake Nolan told reporters. "The guy's a cactus, plain and simple. I mean, Christ, look at him."



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THE WISDOM OF TEAPARTY JESUS

Ever since Pastor Glenn Beck delivered his sermon on the Lincoln Memorial steps, I've been wondering how he and his followers can love Jesus, but hate welfare, health care and gun control. I mean, charity, healing, pacifism...that's pretty much Jesus's whole platform.

Then it hit me - the Teabaggers are talking about a different Jesus.

I mean, it was a pretty common name back then. You could walk into any crowd and be sure that you'd hear someone yelling, "Oh, Jesus!"

But this other Jesus was obviously a pretty special guy, too....

The type of guy who'd refuse to cure lepers because it was a pre-existing condition.

People would ask him for a miracle to feed a multitude, and he'd tell them to go out and work for their loaves and fishes, like he did.

He wouldn't render squat unto Caesar - he was Taxed Enough Already!

And you can bet your ass he wouldn't lie down and be crucified by a bunch of sword-grabbing Romans. Not this guy. He wants his Judea back!

So be comforted by the special wisdom to be found in the
12 Sayings of Tea Party Jesus:


1. Blessed are the rich.... for their kids shall inherit the earth, with no death tax.

2. Blessed are the warmongers.... for they shall escape investigation.

3. Whoever shall smite thee on the cheek.... turn thou to another country that had nothing to do with it, and smite them a hundredfold... and take their oil.

4. It is easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven... for he can afford to puree a camel and force it through the eye of a needle.

5. Let him who has not yet been caught sinning in a men's room cast the first stone.

6. Ask and ye shall be given.... a lecture on why getting Unemployment doeth make ye a bunch of commies.

7. Knock and the door shall be opened.... as long as thou hast the right birth certificate.

8. Love one another.... unless thou art gay, in which case, burn in Hell, thou perv!

9. Ye hast made this place a den of thieves, but God forbid anyone should regulate it

10. Consider the lilies of the field.... they neither vote, nor own, so go ahead and strip mine that field.

11. What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world, but lose his soul?.... Duh! His profit is the whole world!

12. All those who live by the sword.... shall die by my .44 Magnum, punk!





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FLORIDA CHURCH INTRODUCES 'HOT' 9/11 PARTY IDEA. WAIT, NOW IT'S OFF. WAIT, NOW IT'S BACK ON. NOPE, IT'S OFF.

The Dove World Outreach Center is a Gainesville, Florida-based church whose members believe in “the whole Bible,” the “end times,” and other cool Jesus stuff. For September 11, they’ve planned a whopper of a party called (link to creepy Facebook page): “International Burn a Quran Day,” and it is very inclusive! Anyone with a Koran to burn and the belief that Islam is “of the Devil” can attend. A bad-ass mustache is optional, especially for ladies. After all, Jesus died so we could make ourselves look like washed-up porn actors.

International Burn a Quran Day ‘10 will celebrate some of Real America’s most popular past times, such as:

☞ setting Korans on fire

☞ watching the pretty orange colors

☞ praying

☞ repressing urges

☞ just drinking the fruit punch and not thinking like that, about the desires

☞ chatting about how the world’s gonna end soon

Sounds even better than the No Homo Mayor Protest! That’s Dove World’s other, more Westboro Baptist Church-y event, at which they went to Gainesville City Hall and yelled and yelled until incoming gay mayor Craig Lowe turned into Anita Bryant.

Senior pastor Terry Jones and his World of peaceful Doves hate muslinism so much because it’s “a violent and oppressive religion that is trying to mascarade itself as a religion of peace, seeking to deceive our society.” (With mascara!) The church has erected an “Islam is of the devil” sign in their front yard, which people in the town don’t really like — even though it is, as Jones told the Gainesville Sun, “a great act of love.” Unlike homosexuality — which the church website says is “detestable, indecent, wicked, offensive, perverted, shameful, unnatural, degrading, impure, futile, foolish, godless, dishonorable, a lie.” (This assessment does not apply on Sundays between 8 PM and midnight, when the church invites fellow Floridian and friend-of-rent-boys George Rekers to lead a Bible study session. Bring a covered dish!)

If you’re a woman who wants to leave Islam, Dove World will give you free shelter and food. This deal does not apply to muslin dudes, though, which is partly why all muslin-men are angry terrorists.




Wait... now it's off: http://tinyurl.com/3yxajpk

Wait... now it's back on (maybe): http://tinyurl.com/32sx8od

Nope... it's definitely off, but hey guys, the burning of my 7th grade math book is still on. - Dr. B.


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MOUNTING FEAR-BASED RACIST OPPOSITION TO NEW YORK ISLAMIC CENTER

Because my daughter claims her only source for the news are my blog and my facebook, I feel it is my fatherly duty to update her on what I'm sure you all know by now, so Julie - this one's for you:

Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim community center, a facility that would include a swimming pool and a 9/11 memorial and be located more than two blocks from the attack site. Here are some other projects currently facing controversy:

• New York—New Citibank ATM vestibule just two blocks from site of devastating financial collapse
• Elizabeth, NJ—Bed, Bath, and Beyond on sacred IKEA grounds
• Pearl Harbor, HI—P.F. Chang's location a reasonable cab ride away from the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial
• Philadelphia—British consulate on hard-won U.S. soil
• Terre Haute, IN—Frito-Lay display planned for Baesler's Market is an affront to the fact that Terre Haute was the original U.S. test market for Pringles
• Culver City, CA—Comedy club built next to the site where that disaster Grown Ups was filmed
• Provincetown, MA—Organic artisan cheese stand set up next to raw cashew cheese booth at farmer's market
• Lakehurst, NJ—Balloon store only three miles from site of Hindenburg crash

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TEN DISGUSTING FOODS YOU MIGHT HAVE LOVED AS A KID

As Monty Python would say, "...and now for something completely different." Let's get away from political satire for a change, shall we? Especially since there's nothing going on politically that I feel like satirizing, and I haven't blogged about anything in sixteen days.

So, those of you who grew up in the 50s 60s 70s or 80s: Remember all that crap you ate as a kid? How did any of us escape our childhoods without going retarded?

Before I proceed, let me just say: Sorry young'ins. I didn’t eat Gogurt or whatever it was you threw up throughout the 90s. I was growed up enough to know better.

I’m not talking candy or soda or frozen dinners -- which were the bomb, and which make me wonder how I ingested that stuff without losing a stomach, considering how much of it I ate.

I’m talking about:

Fish Sticks
Probably the least offensive of these foods, fish sticks still need to be called out because they’re called “fish sticks.” Say it out loud:

FISH.

STICKS.

I think I liked to eat this stuff because, for being fish, they didn’t have much fishy flavor -- indeed, they didn’t have any flavor beyond whatever tartar sauce my mom would serve out of a jar with them. But they were never my favorite! Not like...


Oscar Mayer Cheesedogs
Hotdogs are amazing, when they’re proper hotdogs.

Oscar Mayer hotdogs are tragic meat tubes constructed from demon seed and hate glue.

But even the manufacturers of these industrial sodium bombs must have shaken their heads at the prospect of serving up hotdogs filled with a yellow, salty paste which they hesitantly labeled “cheese.” Imagine their surprise and wonder when the numbers showed that children across the nation adored these travesties that mock the Natural Order.

Tasty!

McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets
You might not remember this, but before McDonald’s rolled out Chicken McNuggets, chicken was too hard for the tender little mouths of middle-class kids to eat.

I’ll always remember the glorious day when I first sunk my teeth through a chunk of gray and spongy McProtein Mass -- and I'll always remember my pride in being American, citizen of a country in which I possessed the freedom to choose dipping my jellified glob of chicken into honey mustard, barbeque or sweet-and-sour sauce.

Later, I threw up.


Spaghetti-Os
Writing the name of That Thing Which Is The Epitome Of All That Is Wrong With Canned Prepared Meals just made me vomit in my mouth a little.

The brain-like texture of the Os.

The sugary “tomato” sauce.

The tiny, tasteless sausage buttons swimming in said sauce.

What the hell was Franco-American thinking? More importantly, how did I ever eat 10 cans of this stuff a week from ages 3 through 13? Yes, I did repeat first grade -- why do you ask? (Kidding!)


Fruit Roll Ups
The first time I ate a fruit roll up, I realized there was nothing mankind couldn’t accomplish. We’d see flying cars and cities on the Moon by the time I was a teenager.

Mom didn’t like me eating candy, which is why she fed these things to me by the hour, not understanding that corn syrup (or dried corn syrup, for that matter) and sugar ain’t exactly “100% fruit.”

Hey mom, may you be resting in peace, you know what’s 100% fruit?

Fruit.

Not that I would have eaten it...



Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
Remember that one kid in the commercials who kept asking why Kraft didn’t name it Cheese & Macaroni? BECAUSE THE CHEESE WAS A COLORED SALT PRODUCT.

I always knew, in the back of my mind, that something was wrong with Kraft Mac & Cheese. Perhaps it started the first time I saw it transformed from food into a congealed waxy mass after sitting in a dish on the counter for an hour.

But I ate the hell out of the stuff anyway -- this was truly my favorite dish. I still pound it down to fix an upset stomach (had a big bowl tonight).

I think the experience must have destroyed something precious in my head, because the first time I actually tried real macaroni and cheese -- you know, something with actual cheese in it -- I was all, yuck, gimme my Kraft!

Capri Sun
Ah, the halcyon days of drinking watered down juice-flavored drink (made from a concentrate of juices that aren’t actually the juices advertised) from a foil bag that included its own straws.

"Made with real fruit juice!" Yeah, all 10 percent of it. Where's the "Made with real high-fructose corn syrup" warning?

Of course, I really didn't care. It was juice in a shiny bag, after all. Never mind that it didn't taste any good -- I was looking good drinking it.

Cheese 'n Crackers
There’s nothing more American than topping soda crackers with a chunk of cheese.

But when that cheese is actually a bastard concoction of oil, acids and several different ways of saying "salt" smeared across a dry, tasteless cracker by way of a red plastic rectangle stored in the same package as the snack, well... you can see why people who liked these things loved Chicken McNuggets.

Like me.


Cap’n Crunch
The fact that I ate this stuff makes me so sad now.

Never mind the instant sogginess of the cereal, and the resulting (and revolting) candified syrup that was created from what once was milk...

...what I can’t wrap my head around is why I continued to eat this “food” that continually ripped up my gums and inside cheeks, resulting in gobs and gobs of mouth beef hanging from the roof of my mouth. And then ask for more.

WTF was I thinking?


School Supplies
White paper. Brown paper. Cardboard paper. Elmer’s Glue. Eraser tips. Probably fruit-scented markers.

Somehow, all these things ended up in my mouth. I didn't exactly "love" eating them... but apparently I liked these items enough to pop them in my mouth throughout elementary.

And sure, I never intended to eat them... but yeah, probably 50 percent of the time, they went down my gullet and into my digestive tract. I wonder how many pounds of yellow paint from my chewed-up No. 2 lead pencils ended up on the walls of my tummy?

Man, I was a screwed-up kid when it came to putting crap in my tummy... but of course I'm fine now, Buffy and I eat healthy these days, and I like exercising as much as the next guy.
He hates it too.

What gross "food" did you love as a kid that makes you go “Hmmm...” nowadays? Discuss.



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BIRTHERS HAVE A NEW BOOK OUT AUTHORED BY A TOTAL NUTBURGER

As the election of America’s first “half-white” president nears its second anniversary, things still aren’t going that swell for the shrinking team of furious dingbats who hoped to sue Barack Obama out of the White House because his dad was an African black person. For two years, the teabaggers’ most prominent intellectual arm has waged a low-level courtroom war (mostly by email forwards) aimed at proving Barack Hussein Obama is not a citizen of America because he is a black person, and black people are — under the Original Constitution — simply slaves, worth only 3/5 of a normal fat white person, by body weight.

Also, the Birthers stuck to the claim that Barry Obama’s birth at a Hawaiian hospital was actually part of an elaborate conspiracy that went on for five decades with the help of U.S. newspapers, a U.S. state government and the doctors, nurses and administrators of an American hospital in Hawaii … all to groom a Soviet Muslim Alien for the presidency, because the conspirators wisely predicted (in 1961, when millions of American black kids still weren’t allowed to attend white schools or dine in white restaurants) that by 2008 the nation would be ready to choose a black person as a major-party nominee and then elect that same black person as America’s first African-American president. Genius!

Having successfully bamboozled the gullible, black-loving American populace on this whole “Hawaiian live birth” thing, the Soviet-Half-Muslin conspirators must think it’s just going to be easy times until 2012, when they plan to “elect” a gay Hindu robot-sex marijuana-selling dog-lady Palestinian as president.

The Truthers have decided that the Founding Fathers probably meant to exclude Obama, in the Constitution, but they just forgot! These explosive new charges are part of, obviously, a new book by wingnut birther site WorldNetDaily, Aaron Klein's The Manchurian President, reviewed snarkily and intelligently here.

The author concluded Obama may not be eligible regardless of his place of birth. The book recommends further legislative and judicial debate.

See, the president is supposed to be a “natural born citizen.” And had the Founding White Fathers only remembered to explain what that means (”not black”), then Obama couldn’t be president!

However, no definition of “natural born citizen” – which is only used in the presidential requirement clause – was provided anywhere in the Constitution, and to this day the precise meaning of the term is still being debated.

There are no records of any definitive discussion on the matter during the Constitutional Convention. That – coupled with the absence of definitive Supreme Court rulings and a wide array of opinions throughout the centuries – has only further confused the question of what “natural born” actually means.

Still, the author found that according to the framers of the Constitution as well as Supreme Court rulings, Obama does not fit the eligibility requirements. The author is clearly a right wing radical extremist asshole fuckhead. Mainstream journalists who received free copies for their perusal not only weren’t interested, but they sent really nasty notes to the nice publicist who sent the books:

"Ridiculous crap," retorted John Oswald, news editor for the New York Daily News.

"Never, ever contact me again," wrote Time Magazine senior writer Jeffrey Kluger.

Newsweek deputy editor Rana Foroohar quipped, "This is sensational rubbish that is of no interest to any legitimate publication."

"Absolute crap," replied Evelyn Leopold, a Huffington Post contributor who served for 17 years as U.N. bureau chief for Reuters until recently.

Nancy Gibbs, editor-at-large for Newsweek, fired, "Remove me from your list."

David Knowles, AOL's political writer, responded, "seriously, get a life."

Ben Wyskida, publicity director for The Nation, claimed Klein's book is "so offensive" and "so far afield."








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PALIN SAYS REFUDIATE APPEARS IN THE FICTIONARY

WASILLA -- Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today defended her use of the word "refudiate," telling her critics, "Look it up in the fictionary."

While claiming that "refudiate" is a real word, she reserved her right to make up new words in the future.

"Everyone makes up words - Shakespeare, George W. Bush, Levi Johnston," she said. "The only person I know who doesn't do it is my husband Todd, who doesn't speak."

Gov. Palin also lashed out at those who criticized her use of the word "refudiate," calling them "incohecent."

In a related story, Gov. Palin would defeat President Barack Obama if she ran in 2012, according to a poll published in Mayan Prophecy Weekly.




Palin's used 'refudiate' before:




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REPUBLICANS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

Clocking in at 10 minutes, this is the definitive dumb Republican quotes compilation. Featuring classics such as Joe Barton's "Apology," Andre Bauer's "Poor Children Are Stray Animals," and of course, Glenn Beck's "Obama Is A Racist," no collection is complete without these greatest hits.

WATCH:




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THE 'FACTS' ACCORDING TO GLENN BECK

A scene from the near future:

Augustus Merryweather IV glanced up at the tapping on his office door. Harvey Carbunkle stood there in bow tie and shirt sleeves, smiling eagerly from behind horn-rimmed glasses. Augustus sighed. He hated this part of the job. It was never fun to let people go.

He waved the young man to a seat, spoke without preamble. "Harvey, I'm afraid it's not working out."

The eager face fell like a refrigerator from a moving truck. "You're firing me?"

"I have no choice. Your work, well...it hasn't been up to the standard we expect for an editor at Merryweather Publishing. Frankly, I'm surprised. When I saw that you were a graduate of BU, I couldn't wait to hire you. Boston University turns out some great students."

"I didn't go to Boston University," Harvey said.

"Baylor, then. Still a great school."

"I didn't go to Baylor."

"But your resume says you graduated BU."

A proud smile. "Yes, sir. That's Beck University."

Augustus was confused. "I've never heard of..."

"Beck University!" said Harvey, the smile widening. "You know, Glenn Beck? He has that show on Fox? Also, that novel, that other book, that radio program, that standup act, that line of athletic shoes and that cologne. He founded an online university back in 2010 so people could learn the real truth they don't get in your so-called 'universities.' " He made air quotes.

"So, when you rejected that Martin Luther King biography because it didn't mention how white conservatives started the civil rights movement..."

A sharp nod. "I learned that at Beck U."

"And when you told the author of that book on religion that 'pinko commie' is the preferred term for preachers who talk about social and economic justice...."

"Beck U."

"And when you asked why there was no reference to Nazi death panels euthanizing children in that book on healthcare reform...."

"Yes, sir! Beck U."

Augustus sank back into his chair. "Beck me," he muttered.

"Beg pardon?"

Augustus regarded the man who perched before him. "Harvey," he said after a moment, "you can't believe all that garbage they filled your head with. None of that stuff is true! It's just the rantings of a paranoid nutjob living in an alternate reality. The facts -- "

Harvey shrank back, looking horrified. "No, sir!" he shouted. "No, sir! Professor Beck warned us about people like you. He said you'd try to confuse us with all your 'facts' and your 'logic' and your 'reason.' Well, Harvey Walter Carbunkle is on to your game!"

All at once, Augustus felt tired. He felt old. "Very well," he said. "Believe what you want. But we've still got to let you go. You're not qualified.''

Harvey appeared to contemplate this. He shrugged. "That's OK,'' he said. "Now I'll have time to pursue my graduate work at the U of L.''

Augustus sat up straight. "Louisiana?''

"Limbaugh.''

"Of course,'' said Augustus, dropping back into the chair.

Harvey's expression was pitying. "I wish I could help you see how wrong you are. You think the world is about 'facts' and 'knowledge' and 'information' you can 'prove.' The lamestream media has you fooled and you don't even know it.'' Abruptly he turned away, gnawing a knuckle.

"Well,'' said Augustus, "I suppose we'll just have to agree to -- '' He stopped, alarmed. "My God, man, are you crying?''

Harvey's eyes were glistening. His voice wobbled like a toddler. "I'm sorry,'' he gasped. "It's just...'' His voice tore. Doing a perfect Glenn Beck impersonation, Harvey bit his lip, lifted his palm, took a steadying breath, then tried again. "It's just that I love my country so much and I'm frightened for her future.''

Augustus shook his head. "I know just how you feel,'' he said.

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REPORT: U.S. MAY HAVE BEEN ABUSED DURING FORMATIVE YEARS

WASHINGTON, DC — A team of leading historians and psychiatrists issued a report Monday claiming that the United States was likely the victim of abuse by its founding fathers and motherland when it was a young colony.

"In its adulthood, the U.S. displays all the classic tendencies of a nation that was repeatedly mistreated in its infancy—difficulty forming lasting foreign relationships, viewing everyone as a potential enemy, and employing a pattern of assault and intimidation to assert its power," said Dr. Howard Drexel, the report's lead author. "Because of trust issues stemming from the abuse, America has become withdrawn, has not made an ally in years, and often resents the few nations that are willing to lend support—most countries outgrow this kind of behavior after 230 years."

According to Drexel, nations that act out in selfish, self-destructive ways in statehood were usually granted too much independence at an early age, especially if the motherland had other newly annexed lands to care for.

According to Yale University psychology professor John Bauffman, while some rebellious behavior in a nation's adolescence is common, and sometimes healthy, America's historically stormy relationship with mother country Great Britain points to a deep need for acceptance.

"The U.S. is characteristic of an abused nation in that, even decades after noisily pushing away from Britain, it still maintained close contact with the motherland, took care of it, even giving it financial aid—all the while fearing disapproval even though the parent country is now old, decrepit, and powerless," said Bauffman, a prominent contributor to the fourth edition of the Democratic Symptoms Of Maltreatment handbook, or DSM-IV. "On the other hand, Canada, which was raised in the very same continent by the same mother country, only exercised small-scale resistance, remaining loyal well into its maturity. Though some see Canada as cold and remote, it has, unlike the U.S., managed to lead a peaceful, reasonably healthy existence."

Bauffman pointed to another telltale sign of abuse in the U.S.'s tendency to bully, torture, and persecute less powerful, vulnerable creatures, such as buffalo, passenger pigeons, forests, and Native Americans.

Although the American nation appeared to be on the road to recovery by the early 1990s, watershed events such as the open discussion of sexual issues, a protracted custody battle in the closing months of 2000, and a series of threats and physical attacks from enemy nations triggered centuries of repressed memories and set off a recurring pattern of violent outbursts and emotional volatility.

"America compensated for early mistreatment by taking out this pent-up aggression on other nations—getting involved in aggressive conflicts seemingly just for the thrill of it, starting arguments and wars that can't be won, suspecting that everyone is out to get them," Drexel said. "This nation needs help, but by its very nature, refuses to accept it."

Drexel defended the study's findings amid claims that America's current condition can be attributed to a much wider variety of factors.

"Granted, part of America's problems may stem from the fact that it was burdened with a false sense of responsibility at a young age because of the unrealistic expectations of the country's forefathers, and there is certainly something to be said about America having been part of a broken homeland for a four-year period in the mid-19th century," Drexel said. "Even though the U.S. is over 200 years old, emotionally it's younger than Lithuania."

Added Drexel: "But we must remember that the country also idealized the forefathers in a classic victim–abuser relationship."

The report recommended that the United Nations Security Council once again renew its efforts to organize an international intervention to help the U.S. get the counseling it needs. Prior attempts have failed to move beyond the planning stage, however, with many countries saying they are afraid that the U.S. may lash out.





JEFFERSON'S FIRST DRAFT OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE:

When in the Course of human stuff events, it becomes really really important necessary for one people to dissolve the political thingies bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of grayskull the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's candy God intitle entootle entuttle entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these tooths truths to be self-cleaning evident, that all men are created somewhat equal, that they are very very much endowed almost prohibitively so in Ben's case by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, free beer, a coconut, trampoline shoes, and the trivial pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men and Women, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to call everyone they know a Nazi alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety, Cool Hair, and Happiness. The Biggest Biceps in the Room, Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not ^not not ^not not not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while idiots evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long choo-choo train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Jackassery Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw up on off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Tyranny security.


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MASSIVE FLOW OF BULLSHIT CONTINUES TO GUSH FROM BP HEADQUARTERS

LONDON—As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.

The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.

"Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest," said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water."

Hayward's comments fueled fears that the spouting of

overwhelmingly thick and slimy bullshit may never subside.

According to sources, the sheer quantity of bullshit pouring out of Hayward is unprecedented, and it has thoroughly drenched the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, with no end in sight.

Though no one knows exactly how much of the dangerous bullshit is currently gushing from BP headquarters, estimates put the number at somewhere between 25,000 and 70,000 words a day.

"We're looking at a truly staggering load of shit here," said Rebecca Palmer, an environmental scientist at the University of Georgia, who claimed that only BP has the ability to stem the flow of bullshit and plug it at its source. "And this is just the beginning—we're only seeing the surface-level bullshit. It could be years before we sift through it all and figure out just how deep this bullshit goes."

Congressional hearings aimed at stopping the bullshit have thus far failed to do so, with officials from BP and its contractors Halliburton and Transocean only adding to the powerful torrents of bullshit by blaming one another for the accident.

Along with the region's wildlife and fragile ecosystem, countless livelihoods have been jeopardized by BP's unchecked flow of corporate shit. Those who depend on fishing or tourism for their income are already feeling the noxious effects of the bullshit firsthand, as out-of-control platitudes begin to reach land and seep ashore.

Dense streams of shit are expected to continue spreading

throughout the region and the entire United States.

"This bullshit, it's everywhere," said Louisiana fisherman Doug LaRoux, who lost his house to a tide of government bullshit following Hurricane Katrina. "It reeks. Big buckets of disgusting shit are oozing everywhere you look and I don't know if it's ever going to stop. I feel helpless"

Added LaRoux, "I never thought I'd be the victim of so much bullshit."

Observers have noted that after the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, corporate bullshit gushed up like a geyser for two decades and didn't wane until the oil company had bullshit its way through an exhaustive process of court appeals that ultimately reduced payouts to victims by 90 percent.

Despite Hayward's denials that BP is at fault for the environmental disaster and his concern that it will result in "illegitimate" American lawsuits, the embattled CEO has still managed to trickle out a few last drips of bullshit sympathy for Gulf Coast residents.

"I'm as devastated as you are by this," Hayward said after a meeting with cleanup crews on Louisiana's Fourchon Beach. "We will clean every last drop up and we will remediate all of the environmental damage."

"There's no one that wants this thing over with more than I do," he added a week later, just absolutely defying belief with the thickest, most dangerous bullshit yet. "I'd like my life back."

Millions of Americans reported feeling ill and disoriented upon contact with that particularly vile plume of bullshit.

Many environmentalists, including Palmer, have called for a boycott of BP until the bullshit stops or is at least under control, but they emphasize that in the long term, Americans will have to change their habits if they wish to avoid future catastrophes.

"We must all work together if we're going to cure our nation of this addiction," Palmer said. "The sad fact is, the United States has been running on bullshit for decades."




.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME

The World According to ME hasn't had a new blogpost in twenty days.

BECAUSE:

I've already satirized the BP Oil fuckup, but since the mess hasn't been fixed, it's still in the news today as the non-stop oil continues to come ashore and destroy the Little Mermaid's habitat...

I've already satirized the Texas Board of Ed Textbook shit, and that's still in the news today because the fundie idiots just ratified the textbook changes the other day...

I've already satirized the Pedophile Priests & the Pope, and that's still in the news today as the Catholic Church PR machine trolls ever onward...

I've already satirized the Arizona Immigration Law, and that's still in the news today ...

etc. etc. etc. etc.


THEREFORE:

Don't expect a new comment-worthy blog from me until something FUCKING NEW happens!!



ON THE OTHER HAND:

Because something new DID happen, I actually DO have the following satirical blog for you but DO NOT want to hear 200 comments dissing one of my favorite shows - Lost - now that it has concluded. So I'm closing comments. Deal with it. And have a happy Memorial Day weekend:


FORMER LOST VIEWERS GET SCI-FI FIX FROM FOX NEWS

Bereft of their favorite television series after its climactic finale on Sunday, millions of Lost fans are now getting their sci-fi fix from a different source: Fox News Channel.

Corky 'James' Tiberius, 27, a web designer and president of a local Lost fan club in Madison, Wisconsin, said that he watched Fox News for the first time today and was hooked: "It's sci-fi like Lost, but definitely a whole lot weirder."

Mr. Tiberius said that in the first fifteen minutes of watching Fox News "there were way more mysteries than in a season of Lost."

"Who are these people? Where did they come from? Are they even real? Or is this some kind of alternative universe?" he said of the Fox News personalities. "Whoever created this show has an awesome imagination."





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OIL SLICK POISONS GOD OF THE SEA

NEW ORLEANS -- Federal officials said that the growing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico had poisoned Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea and that last week's drilling rig explosion had damaged his trident.

Poseidon, brother of Zeus and Hades, has been soaked with 210,000 gallons of oil per day. "I'm the god of saltwater, not oil," he complained. "This shit is unbelievable."

Unable to leave his palace made of coral and gems, let alone drive his chariot pulled by giant seahorses, Poseidon surveyed his undersea kingdom while suffering crude oil poisoning, alternating between bouts of vomiting and depression.

The ocean deity brushed off criticism that the disaster was part of his well-known penchant for revenge on humans. "This is all BP's doing," he said. "BP stands for Bastard Petroleum -- not Blame Poseidon."

He said he would be unable to shake sense into the company or anyone else connected to offshore drilling, because his chief implement no longer worked. "Down here, it's trident, baby, trident," he said. "It'll take months to repair."

The aquatic immortal said that despite the disruption to the coastline, the ecosystem and the balance of nature, he had no doubt that BP would restore its name. "They've spilled oil before," he said. "If there's one thing they're good at cleaning up, it's their image."

Poseidon said he wasn't sure how much longer he could go on in his capacity as god of the sea. "I'm thinking I should change my title to god of foreseeable accidents, god of corporate justification or god of unsound energy policy," he said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get this sludge out of my gill."

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ARIZONA IMMIGRATION LAW NABS ILLEGAL SWEDES, POLES, ETC.

PHOENIX - A new law that requires police to question people about their immigration status if they suspect they are in the country illegally should help curb the flow of illegal Irish, Polish and Swedish immigrants through U.S. borders, say supporters.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, whose tough crackdowns have made him a hero in the anti-illegal immigration community, pointed out that the new law would not unfairly target Mexicans, as some of charged.

"The law gives police authority to question anyone they think is here illegally, not just people of Hispanic origin," he pointed out. "So if someone is very pale and blond, that might be cause to investigate as to whether they're here illegally from Sweden.

"Or they might be an albino, in which case they might be here illegally from Albania," he pointed out.

Besides skin shade and hair color, Arpaio said police will be trained to spot other characteristics that may denote whether someone might be in Arizona illegally. For instance:

- Funny accent;
- Sandals;
- Eating croissants and/or strudel;
- Spearing pigeons and putting them into a pillowcase for possible later consumption;
- Saying "coffee" like "cawfee."

"That could mean they're from New York," said Arpaio. "I hate New Yorkers." He noted, however, that since the law doesn't technically make it illegal for New Yorkers to be in Arizona, officers would just "give them a hard time."

While the new law has drawn protests around the state and the country, it has some high-profile supporters, such as Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who signed the bill last week. Brewer said she doesn't like the term "racial profiling," preferring instead to describe the newly proscribed methods as "pro-American policing," or PAP.

"Just look around - these people could be from anywhere," said Gov. Brewer, gesturing to the angry crowds gathered in protest around the Arizona Capitol. "There are a lot of very swarthy people there, and I think police need the freedom to question them as to their status."

When pointed out that the people could just be tanned as a result of living in Arizona, Brewer responded, "Can I see your papers, please?"

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KFC 'DOUBLE DOWN' SANDWICH TO SIGNAL NEW AUSTERITY

Americans were thrilled today to embrace a period of renewed austerity, jettisoning credit in favor of savings, rejecting needless extravagance in exchange for thrifty practicality, and they started with the American sandwich. Early this morning Americans threw away their buns and took up the KFC "Double Down" sandwich in signs that those who were making less bread were going to simply do without.

The "Double Down" -- named, appropriately, for a gambling procedure in which one dramatically takes on twice as much risk -- is a "sandwich" where the slices of bread have been replaced by two chicken cutlets, between which are pillowed slices of tasty American cheese, crispy bacon, and zesty but strangely yellow mayonnaise.

"It is "to die for" said one food critic. "I'm not kidding." He immediately collapsed and was carried away.

Americans waxed rhapsodic about the symbol of America's new look-reality-in-the-face back-to-basics lifestyle. "It is hard to believe that they made something so blissfully tasty without hardly any carbs," said Diana Sugartester of Indiana.

"Dieting has never felt so good," agreed fellow foodie Greg Shlub, a cosmetic surgeon with a mysterious limp.

"This just shows," said Senator Joe Lieberman, with his trademark wisdom, "that Americans can learn to get by with less."






New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less



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TEA PARTY MEMBERS ISSUE MANIFESTO

Members of the Tea Party Movement have, after almost a year of sometimes fractured and other times factionalized events and protests finally come together and issued their first cohesive list of core values (relax, I am making this up). The announcement was made at a Tax Day TP (think about those initials) express cross-country rally. The document is called "Our First Cohesive List Of Core Values...Until We Can All Agree On A Better Name, That Is."

Unfortunately, in its eagerness to acknowledge the concerns and convictions of everyone who is not actually a member of the Tea Party (because the Tea Party is not a Party but a Movement, and therefore has no members, as its members keep insisting), the document is 42,896 pages long and consists of 67,756 individual complaints and concerns ranging from anger and distrust of the Federal Government to questioning whether United States President Barack Obama was actually born a Black man in America or is he just a kinda White guy from Kenya, or Fiji, or some other damned foreign place and finally ending with the special concern of one of the delegates to the conference, Festus P. Hymen, that being, "Why is there never a decent goddamned parking space outside the Arby's in Billings, Montana?"

As a political thesis, it is brilliant in its clarity, monumental in its obtuseness and precise in its lack of specificity. It is also virtually unreadable. Still, there are some universal concerns that all nonmembers of the Movement seem to share. First and foremost among them seems to be whether or not the Tea Party is actually a legitimate political Party or instead a Movement. The question seems to be at the very heart of the Movement, or even at the bowels (making the TP a bowel movement?). Even the document's title (which is too much trouble to repeat here - see paragraph one) is perhaps the greatest tribute to the diverse nature of the Movement that is called the Tea Party.

Unnamed Tea Party Source Wegman (Pudgy) Watercloset, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained: "Members of the Tea Party always insist they're not members of a 'Tea Party'. That's how you know 'em. Because, you see, the Tea Party is not a Party, it's a Movement that just happens to be called a Party because it has the word Party in its name, but it's not. A Party, that is. It's a Movement...well, maybe it's a little of both, a Movement and a Party...or a Marty or a Povement, if you will. Anyway, if you say you're not a member of the Tea Party, then you are one. By the same token, if you say you are a member, you're not."

The two next greatest concerns, while seemingly completely dissimilar, often go hand in hand for most Tea...persons. These are the twin demons of abortion and runaway Federal spending. Watercloset, continuing to speak on the condition that if he inadvertently knocks up a drunk Tea Party chick at a rally somewhere she's got to keep the kid whether he's around or not and the government had better not support her with it either said, "You've got to understand, we want the government to keep out of everything, and by that I mean everything but abortion rights, of course. It's time for the Federal Government to get its hands out of the wallets of rich bankers and businessmen and back into women's vaginas where they belong."

The Manifesto is also somewhat surprising for what it does not contain as well. For instance, there are only 2,300 references to Sarah Palin, mostly referring to how cool it would be to have a hot looking redneck chick for a president. In contrast, it mentions that guy who got booted off CNN and went to Fox I think...oh, what's his name...Glenn Beck! him, 2,301 times, making him the clear spiritual leader of the Part...uh, Move...the MartyPovement.

The Manifesto is available as an app from the i-Tunes store (cost - $16.99, but you also get a free download of the 'Collected Works of Fred Phelps', a $20.00 value, included as well). It may also be found in book form at your local Wal-Mart (minus the Fred Phelps download) in the Lawn & Garden Department, near the five gallon pails of Ortho Round-up. For more information and a schedule of TP events, speak to your local TP representative; usually it's your Republican Committee, Council or Congressman. If they tell you they're not in the Tea Party, don't worry...just keep calling and calling them, or stand outside their homes until they break down and admit it. Then go away because they're lying to you. Such is the nature of 21st Century politics.

These are signs seen primarily at Tea Party Protests. They are unintentionally hilarious. They all feature "creative" spelling or grammar. This new dialect of the English language shall be known as .......... "Teabonics":

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pargon/sets/72157623594187379/

more: http://www.csmonitor.com/CSM-Photo-Galleries/In-Pictures/Copyediting-Tea-Party-protest-signs

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POPE: I THOUGHT PRIESTS WERE 'AMUSING' CHILDREN

VATICAN CITY - In the latest development in the ongoing Catholic Church child abuse scandal, Pope Benedict XVI is blaming his failure to stop pedophile priests on a hearing problem that has plagued him for decades, or at least since the first abuse reports surfaced.

"For years, I thought my aides were telling me that people had come forward to say the priests were amusing children in their parishes," said Benedict in a prepared statement released by the Vatican. "With laughter being one of God's greatest gifts to mankind, you can understand why I didn't think this would be a problem."

Benedict claims he reassigned the accused priests, rather than remove them from a position where they would come into contact with children, because he was trying to "spread the laughter. That's just the type of Pontiff I am. I love to laugh."

"Now I understand why the Cardinals would give me such funny looks when I would react with such delight every time the topic of children being amused came up," added the Pope, noting it was similar to the times when he would tell them long, wistful stories about his time spent in the Hitler Youth, only to find out recently that it wasn't actually the Bavaria chapter of the Boys & Girls Club.

Some are skeptical about the Pope's claims, though, pointing out that many of the accusations came in lengthy written reports outlining the potential scope of the abuse claims. But Benedict says most of his memos and reports were read to him by an aide who had a speech impediment, which compounded his hearing problem.

"For years when we were discussing keeping abortion under control, I thought the topic was portion control," explained the Pope. "Which frankly I could stand to have a little more of, the way I love that apfelstrudel."

Pope Benedict's claim comes at a time when the church is desperately trying to restore its image in the wake of the hundreds of abuse claims that have dogged it in recent years. To improve his image, the Pope has gone so far as to skate for the N.Y. Rangers vs. the N.J. Devils, and distribute hundreds of get-out-of-confession-free cards.

"We're getting a little tired of the whole confession thing," admitted one Vatican official who asked not be named. "I can't tell you how many people come into the booth now and say 'Bless me father, for YOU have sinned.' It gets old real fast."

Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi presented the Pope's statement at a press conference Saturday morning, prompting reporters to ask him if they honestly expected people to believe that the failure to effectively deal with hundreds of abuse claims over many decades could be attributed to the Pope being hard of hearing.

"Well, I'll say this about that," responded Father Lombardi, before shuffling his notes around a bit, pausing for a full two minutes, and then saying, "Um ... that's all we got."

Then he added, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go become Episcopalian."






.

LARGE HADRON COLLIDER SMASHES PROTONS - UNIVERSE IS DESTROYED - YOUR READER COMMENTS

The European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, has announced a successful run of the $10-billion dollar Large Hadron Collider, which has been plagued for years with both technical problems and predictions that its use will cause the destruction of the Known Universe. And while scientists cheered as the Collider directed two proton beams into each other at three times more force than ever before, naysayers expressed a grim satisfaction as the Known Universe did indeed implode, just as they predicted. Here are some reader comments:

Festus P. Hyman of Billings, Montana said, "I knew it would happen, you know, the end of time and space and all that if they collided these protons, and when I woke up this morning and heard on the TV that the world had ended...well, I was upset, let me tell you. Why, just yesterday I fixed the damn gutter on my garage; turns out that with the world being destroyed and all, I could've just stayed inside and watched a re-run of "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?"

Unnamed Tea Bag Party Source, Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "We in the TB movement are justifiably incensed at the reckless use of so-called science that has once again resulted in the total destruction of everything. What is this, the sixth or seventh time now that the Godless scientific community has annihilated Mankind? Won't these people ever learn?"

Little Mikey Weiner, six year old grandson of Herb Allist of Brooklyn, NY, said, "Grandpa was screaming just the other day about the end of the world, but he thought it would be Obama's Healthcare thing that destroyed it or Nancy Pelosi, not this part...partic...particular thing. But Grandpa is always screaming about something...Momma says he just a savage and I shouldn't listen to him...so I didn't pay any attention. Good thing too, cause Mrs. Jensen said I still have to turn in my book report even if the Universe wasn't there to read it."

The utter destruction of Mankind and the Known Universe has also played havoc with stock markets around the world - the Dow Jones Industrial Average dipped .01% on the news and oil prices rose by ten cents per barrel amid speculation that without a solid planet to walk on, more people would be driving. Heating oil prices have also risen as oblivion is a cold, cold place.

The end of the Universe as we know it also has its bright side, of course. Fears of Global Warming have decreased markedly, as there is no longer a globe to warm, the glut of foreclosed and existing homes have eased dramatically and the crisis in the Middle East has disappeared, along with the rest of everything else. Plus, and most happily of all, you'll never have to worry about Sarah Palin becoming President.






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TO MY FELLOW CITIZENS, THE REPUBLICANS

To My Fellow Citizens, the Republicans:

Thanks to Sunday night's vote, that child of yours who has had asthma since birth will now be covered after suffering for her first nine years as an American child with a pre-existing condition.

Thanks to Sunday night's vote, that 23-year-old of yours who will be hit one day by a drunk driver and spend six months recovering in the hospital will now not go bankrupt because you will be able to keep him on your insurance policy.

Thanks to Sunday night's vote, after your cancer returns for the third time -- racking up another $200,000 in costs to keep you alive -- your insurance company will have to commit a criminal act if they even think of dropping you from their rolls.

Yes, my Republican friends, even though you have opposed this health care bill, we've made sure it is going to cover you, too, in your time of need. I know you're upset right now. I know you probably think that if you did get wiped out by an illness, or thrown out of your home because of a medical bankruptcy, that you would somehow pull yourself up by your bootstraps and survive. I know that's a comforting story to tell yourself, and if John Wayne were still alive I'm sure he could make that into a movie for you.

But the reality is that these health insurance companies have only one mission: To take as much money from you as they can -- and then work like demons to deny you whatever coverage and help they can should you get sick.

So, when you find yourself suddenly broadsided by a life-threatening illness someday, perhaps you'll thank those pinko-socialist, Canadian-loving Democrats and independents for what they did Sunday evening.

If it's any consolation, the thieves who run the health insurance companies will still get to deny coverage to adults with pre-existing conditions for the next four years. They'll also get to cap an individual's annual health care reimbursements for the next four years. And if they break the pre-existing ban that was passed last night, they'll only be fined $100 a day! And, the best part? The law will require all citizens who aren't poor or old to write a check to a private insurance company. It's truly a banner day for these corporations.

So don't feel too bad. We're a long way from universal health care. Over 15 million Americans will still be uncovered -- and that means about 15,000 will still lose their lives each year because they won't be able to afford to see a doctor or get an operation. But another 30,000 will live. I hope that's OK with you.

If you don't mind, we're now going to get busy trying to improve upon this bill so that all Americans are covered and so the grubby health insurance companies will be put out of business -- because when it comes to helping the sick, no one should ever be allowed to ask the question, "How much money can we save by making this poor bastard suffer?"

Please, my Republican friends, if you can, take a quiet moment away from your AM radio and cable news network and be happy for your country. We're doing better. And we're doing it for you, too.

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