This new white format allows me to post complete pics (the other Blogger formats cut them off, practically in half). Pretend you're reading your newspaper or something.
Dates separate each post, barely, so look for the dates on the left. Print is large & readable. Comment section is unchanged. My Profile info was at the bottom, but I moved it back to the top. Deal with it.
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
If you have already abandoned hope,
please disregard this notice.
In this blog, you'll be exposed to the way I see things. Lots of things. Stuff I think of. Things that happen. Random weirdness. Occasional seriousness. My life. My world. My universe. My reality. By reading this, you have given me brief control of your mind....
Some people see Rush Limbaugh as a successful entertainer, some see him as a conservative prophet and some see him as the mighty king of all douchebags. No matter what you think of Limbaugh, it's fair to give him credit for his staying power. Like herpes, he never goes away and tends to surface at the worst times. Recently, Limbaugh has spoken out against the current health care reform bill. And he's joined by Republican lawmakers, conservative mouthpieces and wannabe douchebag king Glenn Beck, all failing to produce an alternative plan to solve our country's health care crisis. With a big pile of nothing from them, it only leaves us to wonder what Rush Limbaugh's Republican health care plan could include:
• Irritable bowel syndrome will become the number one medical priority.
• Homosexuality will be classified as a mental illness, unless of course you're a male, Christian politician.
• OxyContin will be free, untraceable and in donut form.
• Anyone who shouts "You lie!" during a Presidential speech will be given a free CAT scan.
• Carpal tunnel syndrome will be covered only if it's a result of masturbating too much while listening to radio airchecks of yourself.
• All illegal aliens will be covered... with dirt.
• No funds will be used for abortions except in the cases of lonely, divorcee radio groupies who spread their legs for a box of wine.
• Any form of socialism will be identified and treated as a rash.
• If you divorce your spouse while they are recovering from cancer, you are not responsible for the co-pay. (Special thanks to Newt Gingrich for authoring this section.)
• Corporate insurance companies' profits will be limited. Just kidding.
• There will be no death panels, but grandma might be sent off to Gitmo.
• Viagra will be officially classified as a candy.
• Brain injuries, Tourette syndrome and halitosis will all fall under a medical condition called Ann-Coulter-itis.
• Anesthesia for surgeries will be available once you commit yourself to God.
• The official food pyramid will only contain pork.
These are just some examples of what could be in a Rush Limbaugh health care plan. Naturally, the Limbaugh plan would exclude gays, lesbians, feminists, African-Americans, Asian-Americans, French Canadians, Mexicans, Muslims, non-Christians, anyone who meditates or does yoga, animal lovers, maids who yap to the police about procuring illegal drugs for their employers , Hollywood, San Francisco, Lexus owners, men in turtlenecks and big tippers.
As the Value Voters Convention packed up and left Washington DC today the Convention & Visitors Bureau was inundated with complaints from hotels and restaurants that the coventioneers had skipped out on their bills.
Hotels and restaurants were not the only complainants. There was similar cries of distress from waitresses and cab drivers across the city.. One waitress told of serving a table of four, two man and two women, and after a $120.00 tab left a tip of a dollar. Another waitress reported that a couple leaving the restaurant had picked up the tips from other tables and pocketed the money.
Several cab drivers of Pakistan and Indian descent told of passengers calling them A-Rabs and leaving the cab without paying while the DC Madam reported that she couldn't supply enough girls for SM & kinky sex to satisfy the demand from the conventioneers and one girl returned saying a customer tried to pay her with a Gideon bible and called her a Jezebel when she refused.
The Washington Post reported that Jerome McNair, a quadriplegic Viet Nam war veteran that for fifteen years has positioned himself outside of The Hilton Hotel asking for donations had his donation box stolen twice right before his eyes. He is the sole support for a family of four. He told the Post that the woman conventioneer had shouted as she stole the box..."Get a job...deadbeat"
The Convention & Visitors Bureau said it was the largest number of complaints ever received for one convention.
As the participants left the closing ceremony singing "Yes...Jesus Loves Me.....there was not a cab in sight at the convention center.
Jon Stewart points out the hypocrisy of Values Voters; bonus - a 'flaming' Tom DeLay:
It's been a slow news weekend for political satire, so in its place check out what I found: According to Norwegian site VG Nett (which is all in Norwegian for some reason, so here's where I originally got this tidbit), bus driver Andreas Jankov has formally changed his name to Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov. "I wanted to show that it is possible to be serious and at the same time take the name you like," said the film enthusiast. "I wanted to see how far I could take it with respect to the number of names. I started thinking about this three years ago and it was approved in January this year." Apparently, he's had his passport and bank card reissued, but the name was too long so he dropped "Highlander."
- Julius is an homage to the famous chimp at the Kristiansand Zoo - 'Arn' is a Swedish knight movie - Elessar and Gimli are from 'Lord of the Rings' - 'MacGyver', just the greatest Richard Dean Anderson show ever! - 'Highlander' could refer to either the movieor TV show - Chewbacka (aka Chewbacca) is from 'Star Wars'
So, When/If he gets married will he make his wife take his name? Or will she hyphenate it... Lol.
Over the past months, The World According To ME has been observing your activities with great interest. As you have stood, united in your cause, standing shoulder to shoulder with your fellow men, I have never been more confident that the whole is never equal to the sum of its parts. In fact it is not equal to the sum of one part. Collectively you have displayed intelligence no greater than the last lemming to jump off a cliff after all its brethren have lept.
Don’t get me wrong. Individually, you may be top notch. You may be gentle folk who are savvy to the ways of the world. Like the good kid who starts to get bad grades when they hang out with the wrong crowd, you may have just lost your way. You may be dumb by association, or suffer from temporary dumbness. You may have a treatable version of dumb rather than a chronic dumb.
It is with this hope, and with temporary absence of that guy in the bud hat sporting a “Obama eats puppies and washes them down with kittens” placard, that The World According To ME offers you a few immutable facts to help you determine whether you are running with a smart angry mob or a dumb angry mob.
Fact 1: There is no such thing as a smart angry mob
Do you get the sense that most of the people around you would not be able to provide an intelligent answer if asked why they are assembled? And that those remaining would have vastly different answers from one to the next? Chances are you are in an angry, directionless mob and your IQ has already dropped by 20 points. You should work your way out of the crowd immediately. Still not sure? Look at the signs that are being carried around…do they make any sense? Have they been checked for spelling? We didn’t think so.
Why doesn't she support the pubic option?
Fact 2: However bad the politician or the policy, remember that Nazis were really bad.
So Nazis were bad asses, and they exterminated 10 million jews, homosexuals and handicapped people during something called World War II. They also sometimes made housewares like lamps out of parts of the dead, all while trying to conquer Europe. They were really evil, not evil lite.
If you are in a crowd that starts to say that such and such is a Nazi policy, and so and so is a Nazi, it is nearly certain you are in an angry mob, and you should get the hell out… Because you know who loved angry mobs? The Nazis…that’s who.
Fact 3: It is not expedient for a politician to support anything that sounds like part of a Twilight Zone plot line.
Generally, politicians have a concern about being re-elected, and this concern is with them from day one of their first term. Policies that involve feeding the electorate to aliens, keeping the citizenry in human zoos or subverting the political system (ok, there is this guy) are not in their best interest. Neither is something like a “Death Panel”.
If you are in a crowd and a very serious discussion erupts over the faked moon landing, chances are that the crowd will also be open to other crackpot theories du jour. You are in a nascent angry mob. Get the hell out.
More likely interested in serving man through public office...not with potatoes and coleslaw....
Fact 4: Canada can’t be to blame for everything…
Everyone knows that Canada is inherently evil, with their cuddly beavers and their insane notions about universal healthcare…at least everyone seems to know that in the crowd you are in. You are either in a South Park movie or the makings of an angry mob. No sudden movements, but kindly exit stage right.
Fact 5: The louder political pundits support the angrier mobs
Many angry political pundits follow mobs like some people follow stocks, and they love volatility. If angry white guys were an exchange traded fund, then the biggest shareholders would be Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.
Choosing a rally to attend based on a pundit’s recommendation is like asking a pharmaceutical company what drugs you should be taking. You should know that they will recommend what is in their interests…don’t get upset when that third arm sprouts up or when your appendages begin to change color.
These are just a few rules of thumb to heed so you can avoid being caught up in something that sane Americans will shake their heads at. Of course, you can always ignore these rules and have the exclusive opportunity to hang out with these teabaggers who think it's OK to 'Joe Wilson' a CNN reporter:
Hey kids! Do you happen to have $25,000 dollars or the equivalent in Euros rattling around inside one of your recession-era bank-mattresses? Well why not go for broke -- literally! -- by placing a bid in this online auction to win a private dinner with Sarah Palin! You, along with four of your friends, will be whisked away to have dinner with the former Alaska Governor and her husband. It's basically the premise of Charlie And the Chocolate Factory except in this story, Willy Wonka manufactures death panel lies instead of everlasting gobstoppers!
You can place a bid, right now, on eBay, the very site that Sarah Palin pretended to use to sell that plane. Your money will go to Ride 2 Recovery, which is a charity benefiting wounded veterans, not some ornate legal defense fund. So, really, there's no reason for you not to do this! Be warned though: there are plenty of reasons why you might not be allowed to do this!
According to the lengthy disclaimer, bidders must pass a mandatory background check, like you were buying a gun or something! Palin will determine the site of the dinner -- probably a picnic table right next to her favorite Alaskan turkey-grinding machine -- and reserves the right to bring three guests of her choosing, in case you totally start boring her or asking tough questions about domestic policy. Also, the winner may only bring "one item of reasonable size" to the dinner, so...no, Sarah Palin will not be autographing your Beanie Baby collection, sorry.
Also, there's this:
Dinner shall last no more than four hours, but could be less, in the sole discretion of Sarah Palin. Governor Palin [that's right, this housewife still refers to herself as Governor] reserves the right to refuse dinner with a winning bidder if, in her sole discretion, the winning bidder is not a suitable bidder based on her subjective standards of suitability, professionalism, background and other factors.
So, in other words, don't get any funny ideas, Levi Johnston!
And don't be surprised if she leaves halfway through dinner!
Showing that once more that Republicans have no class and no respect for government and Americans, Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina , real name Addison Graves Wilson, Sr., yelled out "You lie!" when President Obama reassured Americans that his health care reform plan did not include illegal aliens.
"There are also those who claim that our reform effort will insure illegal immigrants. This, too, is false - the reforms I'm proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally," President Obama said.
A loud voice from the Republican side of the hall answered -- it was Wilson (R - S.C.) who apparently could no longer contain himself with sitting on his hands during applause or waving some weird pamphlet around in front of him, and screamed at the President "YOU LIE!"
All eyes turned in the South Carolina Republican's direction -- including Obama's (drawing a second "It's not true," from Obama), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's and Vice President Joe Biden's.
Wilson, looking agitated, leaned forward and began tapping away at his BlackBerry, as if he were Googling up proof that the president had, in fact, lied.
"Shame on you!" shouted someone from the Democratic side. "Throw him out!" shouted someone else. First Lady Michelle Obama, seated behind and above Wilson, seemed to mouth a drawn-out "damn" at the scene unfolding before her.
The bill is designed to exclude those immigrants, though some Republicans have called for more explicit bans on funding for illegal immigrants and have claimed the bill will funnel money to illegal immigrants.
FactCheck.org described those claims as "false" and noted that one version of the legislation already includes an explicit bar on federal funding for illegal immigrants' health care.
Disgusting. Can you imagine the uproar if a Democrat had so little class as to do that during one of Bush's speeches? To be fair, Wilson was condemned on both sides of the aisle. Even McCain said that Wilson should apologize.
Joe Wilson is being challenged by Rob Miller for SC-02. In less than two hours after Wilson's outburst, challenger Rob Miller has raised over $11K. Clearly quaking in his boots at the disgust leveled at him, Wilson has issued the following apology:
“This evening I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the coverage of illegal immigrants in the health care bill. While I disagree with the President’s statement, my comments were inappropriate and regrettable. I extend sincere apologies to the President for this lack of civility.”
OK - The President spoke to labor unions on Monday, to the nation's returning school children on Tuesday, and tonight he will be addressing a joint session of congress at 8 PM. He clearly has hit the ground running, doing superior damage control after the August recess, and most responsible republicans - even those who were initally opposed to his addressing the kids - have pulled a 180° and said how much they 'admired his inspirational speech', yada yada, making an effort to distance themselves from the loony GOP extremists on the right.
Yet there remain in circulation many patently untrue statements about Obama's healthcare reform (you know: bithers, deathers, tenthers, eleventhers, twelfthers, etc.) that, so far, very few prominent republicans and democrats have come forward to correct.
The best way The World According To ME can deal with such untrue statements is to pretend that the five additional patently untrue statements (that Dr. B. has made up for the purposes of today's satire) make as much sense as Sarah Palin's accusation that President Obama wants to pull the plug on grandma (illustrated in the above pic of two typical republican protesters mispelling 'euthanasia').
Number 5: The town hall sessions were staged by the same guys who did the moon landing
See how the flag flaps? Everyone knows that there is no wind in South Carolina...
Why agree to reform health care if the guy that is claiming to do all of these town hall meetings is not actually there. Furthermore, if he is not actually there, and the Liberal Hollywood Industrial Complex is creating these events at a studio in Culver City, how can we be certain that Obama isn’t actually a kitten-eating robot as some other reports suggest?
Here kitty kitty...
Number 4: A key public option supporter was the second gunman in the Kennedy assassination
The dude who shot at JFK from the grassy knoll was big on the public option for health care…or at least we can assume he was, since anyone who believes in the public option must be a COMMUNIST. If Lee Harvey Oswald was at least a part time communist, it stands to reason that the phantom shooter must have also been a communist. The 2nd shooter may still be among us with his looney tune ideas about quality healthcare for every citizen…unless he was actually that dead scuba diver they found in the tree…
Number 3: Mikey from those Life commercials would have died from mixing pop rocks and coke if Obama’s plan had existed in the 80’s
Remember Mikey? Remember how we all thought he was dead? Well he isn’t, but he would be under Obamacare. It turns out that Obama’s proposal doesn’t cover child stars or people who mix random forms of ultra-sugary processed foods. This also means that Obama’s plan could have wiped out a whole era of must-see TV involving child actors…boys would never have had the opportunity to argue over whether Blair or Joe was hotter on “The Facts Of Life”, as they would have both bought the farm after being refused treatment for downing a box of Twinkies with a case of Yoo-hoo.
Choose Life...
Number 2: Obama will invoke the “Ka-li-fee” Vulcan ritual to determine who will get medical care
Death panels? Oh you’ll wish you had a death panel. Since Obama is actually a Vulcan, he will invoke the “Ka-li-fee” fight to the death in order to determine who gets medical care…and since you don’t have half the stones that Captain James T has, you are pretty much SOL. Even if you do win by fluke, don’t expect to reap the benefits of the Pon Far vulcan mating ritual…Obama is just focusing on the duel part.
We suggest you start practicing with some ridiculously cumbersome weapons immediately:
Number 1: Obama is not actually American, is probably a Freemason, and may have been the person responsible for the cancellation of Arrested Development.
You know that Barack Obama and his other German friends ”secret-handshaked” their way to citizenship and the White House through their affiliation with the Freemasons. No one that calm and reasonable and so bereft of John Waynesque mannerisms could ever have been so successful otherwise . If you spell “Change” backwards, it spells “Egnahc”. Enough said.
But did you know that Obama single-handedly canceled Arrested Development, the best show on TV ever? And did you know that it was because his half brother, Jason Bateman, was about to speak out about Obama’s plan to replace the nation's registered nurses with trained Alpacas from South America? We didn’t think so. You clearly must be Democrats. All Republicans know these things.
"Gentlemen! Kindly note that I will be going all Godzilla on your asses and destroying Japan as you know it."
"But please remember to vote for me and my evil mastermind cue-ball head on election day."
If you no speakie Japanese, follow along using the convenient closed captioning.
And breathe a deep sigh of relief, because Japan's newly empowered leader Yukio Hatoyama rushed Monday to select Cabinet ministers after his party trounced the ruling conservatives in elections, sending them out of power for only the second time in 54 years.
Hatoyama said in a victory speech that he would focus on making a quick and smooth transition, and said his priority was choosing the nation's next finance minister.
Official results were still being counted, but exit polls by all major media said Hatoyama's Democratic Party of Japan had won more than 300 of the 480 seats in the lower house of parliament. That would easily be enough to ensure that he is installed as prime minister in a special session of parliament that is expected to be held in mid-September. If Toyama Koichi the video guy, doesn't get a job, I feel he should take a laxative, get laid, and enroll in an anger management class for constipated ninjas. The dude has issues....
Oh, and by the way, The Hatoyamas should make for an interesting couple-in-chief: he's nicknamed "The Alien" thanks to his unruly head of hair, frozen appearance, and large eyes. And, according to Reuters, Miyuki said she's been to outer space.
"While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus," Miyuki Hatoyama, the wife of premier-in-waiting Yukio Hatoyama, wrote in a book published last year.
"It was a very beautiful place and it was really green."
The World According To ME thinks it's about time for a non-satirical rant from one of the good guys (ME), so republican readers are advised to get out their dictionaries, or just fucking leave.
RANT:
It's easy to believe airliners were brought down by guys with box cutters.
For this nation's duly elected president and his progressive policies to be kneecapped by a minority of loud, angry, possibly psychotic right-wing zombots is a sure sign that democracy is nothing more than a gossamer ideal.
And by lazily allowing such ideological idiocy to spread unchecked we now have the cultural equivalent of cancer.
There is no more reason for anyone to grant Republicans any respect. They have abdicated their authority. Their intentions are clear, their leaders too in love with their own salaries, their brazen goal to become the Kamikaze party reaching critical mass. Their credibility is all but dead, reduced to a bitter, gaping, black hole.
And thanks to them, democracy seems poised to tumble in.
Politics may be politics but this has gone way beyond gamesmanship and into the realm of wanton, drunken destruction. So far, no sane Republican---if there is one---has been roused by any nascent patriotism to voice opposition to any of the mad utterances vomited forth from the party's leaders and their "grassroots" infantilized infantry.
They have demonstrated daily that, having lost the presidential election and control of congress they've lost their their cultural relevance and all sense of morality as well, and in a fatally childish tantrum, are executing a nuclear option. The leadership itself has allowed the dead-enders into the fold and purposefully impregnated those soft-boiled egg psyches with apocalyptic imagery. The rest of us were too stunned to think that it was actually happening, that the Republicans would kill everyone and everything to wrest control back from a citizenry which wanted nothing more of their Grand Old Party's grand guignol.
And in monumental self delusion, the daily news cycle spins and spins with a wink as brazen as Sarah Palin's, as if we are all in on it and that this sort of thing is "healthy in a democracy". If anything, that alone means we might really be closer than ever to a real societal calamity, something that makes this economic crisis look like a picnic.
Only if every salvo is met with equal ferocity, if every pseudo fact is countered by reality is there a chance. To lay back and let vitriol burn itself out is unrealistic in a time when such things are the bread and butter of the corporate controlled media, when despair and division is essential to their profit margins. Oh, yeah, and Happy Labor Day, folks.
Birthers, deathers, tenthers, neocons, repubs... yes, there are all sorts of assholes out there. I would like to take this blog to remind everybody that, whether you are or aren't an asshole, we all have one.
And so today we'll be examining mine in some detail ("WTF did Doc just say?!?"). Let me explain ("You damn well better!")
I mean that several months ago, my doctor's office referred me to a gastroenterologist to make a much overdue appointment for a colonoscopy.
Shortly thereafter, Dr. Sipple's physician's assistant Vinnie showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Vinnie explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY ASS!!!!!!'
I left Dr.Sipple's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next few months before the exam productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was lime jello for supper, and later on some vegetable broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor...
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of Crystal Lite lemonade (Vinnie said to add the Crystal Lite --- it didn't help).
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the toilet had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, catching up on your reading and spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep around my usual 4 am time, helped along by my usual AmbienCR.
The next afternoon my wife Buffy drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Dr. Sipple?' How do you apologize for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse put a little needle in a vein above my right wrist. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but she was very good, and I was already lying down. She also told me that some people put vodka or Coors Light in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, the nurse wheeled me into the procedure room. Dr. Sipple was waiting with a male anesthesiologist (didn't catch his name; let's call him Butch) who looked like someone I knew, but he had what looked like a cleaning rod for a musket strapped to his side with a bronze brush at the end. I sure was hoping that was not what I thought it was. The anesthesiologist ("Butch") kept asking if I had any quarters and giggling to some private joke.... I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Dr. Sipple had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Dr.Sipple had me roll over on my left side, and then Joe the Plumber aka Butch the Anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. As I looked over to my left I noticed on the table what I thought was some kind of tabletop weedwhacker machine full of ice. When Butch put the lid on and turned it on I thought "Oh My God" I'm in the wrong room....
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Dr.Sipple that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Dr.Sipple, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Dr.Sipple was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Dr.Sipple told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors, several in fact. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
[Butt seriously folks, anyone over 50, male or female, should have a colonoscopy. It might save your life, and only needs to be repeated once every ten years.]
Many conservatives have expressed outrage at President Obama's plan to broadcast a speech to children at public schools, complaining that his ulterior motive is obviously to indoctrinate the youngsters with sensual ideas, then engage in disgusting, illegal intercourse with them.
Republican Party of Florida Chairman Jim Greer released a statement condemning President Obama’s use of taxpayer dollars to indoctrinate America’s children to his socialist agenda.
Outraged parents say that this is the last straw in what they perceive as a long line of terrible transgressions committed by the President, including his false birth certificate and fancy talkin'.
"Oh my God, my boys," bawled one Kansas woman, clutching her four children to her chest as she simultaneously vomited and defecated in terror. "How could our President want to have sex with my boys?"
"HRRRNNGGHHH," grunted her husband, clutching his chest as he imagined the President's soft-yet-firm hands caressing his sons' faces. "HRRNNTTT." His wife shrieked and began bucking wildly about the room, leaving bloody dents in the wall as she furiously smashed her head into it.
An autopsy would later confirm that the man died of a simultaneous heart attack and brain embolism. Texas authorities are now considering charging Obama with murder.
Although Obama claims that he will simply tell students to work hard and stay in school, citizens like Texas resident Matt Curtiss -- who unfortunately misspelled his own last name at birth -- say such an outlandish-sounding speech could only be a cover for sweet serenading interspersed with pictures of hardcore fetish pornography.
"What the hell President has ever told our kids to stay in school? That's ridiculous bullshit," he spat. "I'll tell you what Obama will show during his little speech: a woman urinating on an American flag, with extreme close-ups of the urine."
"How could we ever allow our President to speak to our children?" Curtiss asked, with tears of frustration in his eyes. "What were those Washington idiots thinking?"
Former President George H.W. Bush also made a speech directly to school students that was broadcast live. However, critics say Obama's is different, because he intends to date rape the children after talking to them, while Bush merely bored and slightly frightened everyone.
Conservatives do disagree over how many students the President will attempt to bed. Some believe it will only be those in Republican-leaning states, while others are afraid that Obama has the power to visit all the nation's children in a single night, like some sort of rapist Santa Claus.
"Obama intends to use taxpayer dollars to build a high-speed rail system to enable him to travel across the nation at supersonic speeds, having intercourse with our sons and daughters at every stop," reported Rush Limbaugh on Wednesday. "This is exactly what's wrong with liberals today."
Limbaugh added that he was also concerned about Obama's speech including a 30 second instruction to instantly convert the nation's children into socialists, but added that this was a given.
Reports from the Department of Education also indicate that Obama will appear in new editions of history textbooks this year, much to the consternation of some Republicans, who say pages on his illegitimate presidency should be blacked out and replaced with a large block of text that says "NOTHING HAPPENED" over and over again.
"It's a god damn good thing that so few schools have the money to order new textbooks," said Matt Curtiss. "First, because they won't be exposed to that bastard Barack Hussein Obama when they try to read, and second, because the state should not be paying for anything for our children."
Sarah Palin is planning her first trip to Hong Kong, having accepted one of a over a thousand speaking invitations.
She may have chosen poorly.
Business Insiderreports that the request from brokerage firm CLSA was made "almost certainly as a practical joke."
In the past, they've polled Asian fortune tellers for index targets, hired anime cartoonists to draw Japanese research, and generally love to push the boundaries between entertainment and analysis. They are a real research firm, it's just that they love to sprinkle in some hilarity every now and then as a smart marketing gimmick.
Sarah Palin is this year's big laugh for them.
"Our keynote speakers are notable luminaries who often address topics that go beyond traditional finance such as geopolitics," company spokeswoman Simone Wheeler said in a statement.
"We just felt it would be a fabulous opportunity for CLSA clients to hear from Mrs. Palin," Wheeler said, adding that CLSA approached Palin with the offer.
Alaska blogger Shannyn Moore said the story makes sense, given that Palin is hardly an investment expert: "If CLSA's purpose is comic relief in hiring her, they may get their money's worth... that's if she shows up."
As the debate continues to rage on over whether or not the U.S. should include a public, government-funded plan in its healthcare reform, many citizens abruptly noticed that the federal government funds and regulates all Interstate Highways in the nation, and has done so for over 50 years.
Now, many are up in arms over the largest public works project in history, which has somehow gone unnoticed since the mid-20th century.
"I can't believe I didn't think of this before," said conservative analyst Paul Dobson, slapping his forehead in disbelief. "We were all so focused on the idea of the government ruining healthcare forever that we forgot how President Eisenhower -- who was obviously tricked by President Barack Hussein Obama -- already ruined our highways by building and then socializing them in the 1950s."
Dobson further clarified that Obama is not a U.S. citizen, but rather a time-traveling fiend who was born in the strange, alien fields of Mars.
Republican Senator Jim DeMint agreed, saying that like public healthcare, the government-funded Interstate is unconstitutional.
"Despite the obvious private applications of the Interstate, some people have tried to pass this $425 billion boondoggle off as purely a military exercise," he scoffed. "That makes about as much sense to me as saying that public healthcare could be considered a matter of national security because we'll be less safe if large portions of our populace are broke and sick all damn the time."
Now that Americans like Dobson have remembered that the U.S. has a public highway system, they are beginning to assemble and organize against it, demonstrated at a recent rally in a remote, roadless area of Montana that attracted over three people.
"If we rely on the government to build our roads, we'll all be waiting in line for seven years, just to enter an onramp!" shouted one man, holding a sign reading "A Road Is A Road To Socialism Road". "Well, I said no to socialism transportation, and to date, I've built over 14 feet of my own road that I can travel on, tax free."
Critics of the Interstate say that opening the entire system up to the free market would allow a few large corporations to control the nation's transportation grid, which they would profit from by charging high tolls to people with pre-existing crappy cars.
For those with no cars, Dobson says access to the Interstate -- now renamed the Best Buy Street Zone sponsored by Microsoft -- could be gained by simply buying a car.
"It's pretty simple," he beamed. "And while they were at it, those people could also go ahead and go to college, and be sure to save lots of money for retirement, too. Those are all smart ideas that anyone should feel free to use."
In one recent poll, a certain number of Americans said that now that they've heard the Interstate is a socialist nightmare, they want no part of it.
"I heard that once you get on a nationalized road, tanks will run you over if you aren't a liberal," said one elderly woman, shaking with fear. "We ought to make government stick to decent American causes, like building the military and running Medicare."
"I heard," added another man ominously, "that if you surpass a certain speed, you run the risk of being tossed into jail by some kind of government police force...probably because they're afraid of you discovering time travel and realizing that President Barack Obama is an alien fraud."
In a recent FOX NEWS interview, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MENTAL) accused health care reform supporters of "forg[etting] what the Constitution says."
Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SOUTH CAROLINA), who once called for his Party to defeat health reform because it will "break" President Obama, claimed that health reform violates the Tenth Amendment and urged state legislators and governors to "champion individual freedom" by resisting the bill.
Numerous state lawmakers -- including secessionist TEXAS Gov. Rick Perry (R) -- have struck a similar tone, endorsing "state sovereignty resolutions" that demand the federal government "cease and desist" enforcing many laws with which conservatives disagree.
(Emboldened by Perry's hardline stance, TEXAS "tenthers" held a pro-secession rally at the state capital yesterday, demanding that their political opponents "go back to the U.S., where you belong." Apparently TEXAS believes it has seceded from the U.S. See video below. )
Indeed, while "birther" conspiracy theorists make increasingly outlandish attempts to dismantle President Obama's legitimacy, "tenther" constitutionalists like Bachmann, DeMint, and Perry hope to dismantle an entire century's worth of progressive legislation.
THE 'TENTHER' AGENDA: In a nutshell, tenthers believe that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt led an illegal coup against the U.S. Constitution, exploiting the passions of the Depression Era to expand federal power to unconstitutional levels.
Killing health reform is only the beginning of their agenda. Under the tenther constitution, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, federal education funding, the Veterans Affairs health system and the G.I. Bill are all illegal.
The minimum wage, the requirement that employers pay overtime wages, and the ban on child labor are all beyond Congress' power to enact, and the federal ban on whites-only lunch counters is an unlawful encroachment on local business.
Indeed, nearly every single law that Americans cherish -- from laws protecting workers' right to organize to laws forbidding race and gender discrimination -- could be eliminated overnight if the tenther constitution ever became law. One prominent tenther, a TEXAS official charged with rewriting that state's public school textbooks, even declared the federal highway system to be unconstitutional, to which The World According To ME responds: if you don't want to drive on our highways walk in the fucking ditch.
DISTORTING THE DOCUMENT: Tenthers derive their narrow vision of the Constitution from a strained reading of the Tenth Amendment, which provides that the Constitution contains an itemized list of federal powers, and anything not contained in that list is beyond Congress' authority.
In the tenthers' eyes, Congress' powers must all be read too narrowly to allow most federal statutes to exist. However, the tenther constitution bears little resemblance to the words of the document itself.
Contrary to tenther claims that federal spending programs like Medicare or Social Security are unconstitutional, Article I of the Constitution empowers Congress to "lay and collect taxes" and to "provide for...the general welfare of the United States," which unambiguously authorizes it to spend money in ways that benefit the nation.
Similarly, Congress' broad authority to enact regulatory schemes that "substantially affect interstate commerce" easily encompasses laws like the federal minimum wage and the requirement that businesses do not discriminate on the basis of race, not to mention the highway system for interstate commerce (again, walk in the fucking ditch, tenthers).
As Roosevelt chided tenther-like CONSERVATIVES from his era, "The Constitution of 1787 did not make our democracy impotent."
A LEGACY OF RADICALISM: Sadly, tentherism's assault on democracy is nothing new; indeed, retreat to outlandish constitutional theories is a favorite tactic of the right during times of historic upheaval.
Tenther "state sovereignty resolutions" are little more than new names for the "interposition resolutions" enacted by SOUTHERN STATES in the immediate wake of Brown v. Board of Education, which claimed that the federal government exceeded its constitutional authority when it extended the Constitution's promise of "equal protection of the laws" to the AMERICAN SOUTH.
Tenther claims that health reform is unconstitutional -- because the Constitution does not specifically use the words "health care" -- echo the infamous SOUTHERN Manifesto's argument that Brown was wrong because the "Constitution does not mention education."
Much of the intellectual framework for tenther assaults on economic regulation comes from discredited Depression-era Supreme Court decisions that struck down essential provisions of the New Deal on the grounds that they exceeded Congress' lawful authority.
Indeed, CONSERVATIVES even justified the greatest act of treason in American history, the CIVIL WAR, by claiming that that the Constitution permits each state to leave the union at will. Now that America is slowly emerging from its most recent crisis, tenthers once again hope to exploit the nation's fears to fuel a radical constitutional agenda.
Watch tenthers and other damaged FOX NEWS watchers insanely protesting:
You may have noticed in today's blog that words such as FOX NEWS, CONSERVATIVES, SOUTH CAROLINA, THE SOUTH, SOUTHERN STATES, and of course TEXAS have been in caps. We believe it makes it easier to spot the source of ignorance that ties the tenther movement together (see yesterday's blog on the bible belt).
The United States of America has admitted that the Bible belt it has worn around its Midwest and Southern regions for the past 200 years was never meant as anything more than an accessory.
The admission comes on the back of reports that America’s Bible belt showed signs of becoming tight around the waist. “It used to fit really well, but the growing waistline of America’s Midwest seems to have caused the buckle to break,” said best friend, the United Kingdom. “I think it’s time she got herself a new belt.”
Over the years, America has received a deluge of negative comments regarding the belt, with criticism being centred on its “failure to coordinate well with the rest of her outfit”. The nation of Canada went as far as to call it “ugly, old fashioned and redundant.”
Responding to these jibes, America today announced its intention to “give the damn thing away to charity.” “There’s just no space for it in my wardrobe,” it said, throwing the belt down. “I mean, I just bought a shitload of really nice burqas, and I have to make room for my funky new kippah. Yeah, it’s gonna have to go.”
In a complete overhaul of her extensive wardrobe, America today boxed up a large collection of religious ties, which included Pat Robertson and Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who are expected to be offloaded in exchange for more Jews, Muslims and Scientologists.
