Putin Receives Strong Words of Support in Ninety-Minute Conversation with Self

 

Russian President Vladimir Putin received “strong, unqualified words of support” last night in a ninety-minute conversation with himself, Mr. Putin confirmed today. 

The invasion of Crimea was the main topic of the conversation, which Mr. Putin described as “extremely collegial and enthusiastic.”

“We discussed a wide range of issues, including how everyone in Ukraine had invited us to come to Ukraine, and also how the soldiers reported to be in Crimea were not actually Russian soldiers but, in fact, local volunteers who looked a lot like Russian soldiers,” he said. “There was strong agreement on all of these matters.”

Mr. Putin pronounced the ninety-minute conversation “exceedingly helpful.” He added: “It was exhilarating to be able to talk at length with someone for whom I have such boundless love and respect.”

Buoyed by last night’s positive dialogue, Mr. Putin said that he planned to have many such conversations in the days and weeks ahead. “It was good to hear how splendidly everything was going,” he said.

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Republicans to Discontinue Use of E-Mail

Citing the scandals embroiling Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, the Republican Governors Association today ordered its members to discontinue the use of e-mail, “effective immediately.”

According to a memo sent to all Republican governors, “Any plots, schemes, conspiracies, or violations of campaign-finance laws should be conducted using pay phones or easily disposable cell phones such as the ones used on ‘The Wire.’ ” The governors were instructed to read the memo once and then either burn or eat it.

Asked to comment on the new policy, Governor Walker’s office responded, “The recipient’s e-mail address was not found in the recipient’s e-mail system. Please check the e-mail address and try resending this message.”

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Arizona Governor Vetoes Anti-Gay Bill: “Let’s Focus on Discriminating Against Mexicans”

 

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed a controversial anti-gay bill, telling reporters, “Let’s focus on discriminating against Mexicans.”

Governor Brewer said that while “the intentions behind this bill were obviously excellent,” she was worried that the bill “would distract us from our main mission of harassing, tormenting, and otherwise making life miserable for Mexicans.”

Although Governor Brewer said that she could foresee a time when Arizona might “branch out into discriminating against gays,” the decision to veto the anti-gay bill in the name of anti-immigrant pride was not difficult: “Arizona needs to stick to what it does best.”

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