HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012 FROM DR. B., BUFFY, AND 'THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ME'

GINGRICH PLUMMETS IN POLLS AS VOTERS START REMEMBERING WHO HE IS

Dawning Awareness Threatens Campaign

DES MOINES – In a development that has imperiled his front-runner status in the Republican presidential race, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has plunged in the polls as voters have begun to remember who he is.

Mr. Gingrich had been surging in recent weeks, but according to pollster Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research institute, “That was before people’s memories of who Newt Gingrich is started gradually kicking in.”

According to a new poll released today, Mr. Gingrich fared especially poorly among voters who agreed with the statement, “Wait a minute, that guy? He was an enormous dick.”

“Newt Gingrich has got to do something fast to keep people from remembering who he is,” pollster Logsdon said. “He might try growing a moustache or wearing an eye patch, but that might be too little, too late.”

On the ground in Iowa, Gingrich campaign strategists are working overtime to confront the challenge posed by voters remembering who he is, aides to the former House Speaker said today.

According to one campaign source, the Gingrich campaign has begun seeking the support of people with mental disorders and other memory issues that make it hard for them to retain basic information.

“The problem is, most of those people are currently running for President,” the source said.

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THIRTEEN SURPRISING WAYS EARTH IS JUST LIKE NEWLY-DISCOVERED PLANET KEPLER 22B

We may not be alone. That’s the message from NASA, which says a new planet by the dorm room-sounding name of Kepler 22b has been discovered. Kepler 22b is reportedly a lot like Earth in that it orbits around a single star and may have water on its surface, indicating it may be the first planet discovered that might have life on it .

But did you know there are other similarities between the two? Here are some other features of Kepler 22b that are eerily similar to Earth:

1. Four Kepler 22b women have come forward to say they had affairs with Herman Cain.

2. Scientists say there's a small but vocal Occupy 22B Wall Street movement that's sprung up.

3. They sent a transmission asking E! to stop showing 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians.'

4. Donald Trump has already claimed the entire eastern half of the planet to build high-rise condos.

5. Brett Favre has announced that, if contacted, he would be more than willing to play for an expansion team based on Kepler-22b.

6. It's way out in space, but holiday shopping is very popular. The day after Thanksgiving is called Black Hole Friday.

7. No one is quite sure why, but Lindsay Lohan is also on probation there.

8. One of its highest-rated TV shows is 'CSI: Kepler 22b.'

9. No one there believes Al Gore invented the Internet, either.

10. People there are just as stunned as we were. Not that there are two similar planets. That Britney Spears is engaged.

11. When plugging in your home address, your GPS will send you off a cliff on Kepler 22b as well.

12. People there are also clamoring for a summer tour featuring legendary R&B band Kepler 22b, Wind, & Fire.

13. Much like us on Earth, they don’t have proof of intelligent life in the universe. Thanks a lot, George W. Bush.

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A LETTER FROM GOLDMAN SACHS CONCERNING OCCUPY WALL STREET

NEW YORK – The following is a letter released today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say “Let them eat cake.” But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, “Occupy this.” We haven’t felt so good about something we’ve sold since our souls.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Blankfein

Chairman, Goldman Sachs

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AMERICAN IDOL'S 2011 WINNER SCOTT E. McCREERY'S NEW ALBUM COVER

(Oh, come on. If you say you never saw Scotty's resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman, I don't believe you. We got the CD but it's really, really country. Like 'Hee Haw' country. Anyway, no comments on this one please; it's satire, sure, but I'd like it to fly under the radar so I don't hear from Mad Magazine's and Scotty McCreery's lawyers.)


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COOKIE MONSTER EXPLAIN OCCUPY SESAME STREET

Yes, there always going to be rich and poor. But we used to live in country where rich owned factory and make 30 times what factory worker make. Now we live in country where rich make money by lying about value of derivative bonds and make 3000 times what factory worker would make if factories hadn't all moved to China.

Capitalism great system. We won Cold War because people behind Iron Curtain look over wall, and see how much more plentiful and delicious cookies are in West, and how we have choice of different bakeries, not just state-owned one. It great system. It got us out of Depression, won WWII, built middle class, built country's infrastructure from highways to Hoover Dam to Oreo factory to electrifying rural South. It system that reward hard work and fair play, and everyone do fair share and everyone benefit. Rich get richer, poor get richer, everyone happy. It great system.

Then after Reagan, Republicans decide to make number one priority destroying that system. Now we have system where richest Americans ones who find ways to game system -- your friends on Wall Street -- and poorest Americans ones who thought working hard would get them American dream, when in fact it get them pink slip when job outsourced to 10-year-old in Mumbai slum. And corporations have more influence over government than people (or monsters).

It not about rich people having more money. It about how they got money. It about how they take opportunity away from rest of us, for sake of having more money. It how they willing to take risks that destroy economy -- knowing full well that what could and would happen -- putting millions out of work, while creating nothing of value, and all the while crowing that they creating wealth for everyone.

That what the soul-searching about. When Liberals run country for 30 years following New Deal, American economy double in size, and wages double along with it. That fair. When Conservatives run country for 30 years following Reagan, American economy double again, and wages stay flat. What happen to our share of money? All of it go to richest 1%. That not "there always going to be rich people". That unfair system. That why we upset. That what Occupy Sesame Street about.

UPDATE: Many thanks to frequent commenter 'guitar hero' for these hilarious Occupy Sesame Street photoshops:

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What Are The Odds Michele Bachmann Will Confuse These Other Public Figures?

Tea Party Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has once again proved she’s “factually challenged,” this time by confusing the beloved American cowboy actor, John Wayne, with the not-so-beloved psychotic serial killer, John Wayne Gacy, a man who had a slightly lighter touch when applying make up than she does. Which public figures is Bachmann most likely to mix-up next? Here are the latest Vegas odds:

Ron Paul and RuPaul
Odds 1:1

Booker T. Washington and Booker T. and the MG’s
Odds 1:1

Joyce Carol Oates and Hall & Oates
Odds 1:1

Millard Fillmore and Mallard T. Fillmore
Odds 1:1

Stephanopoulos and Snuffleupagus
Odds 1:1

Jerry Garcia and Cherry Garcia

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SUPERCOMPUTER FAILS TO TRANSLATE PALIN EMAILS INTO ENGLISH - "Not a Recognizable Language" Says IBM’s Watson

NEW YORK – Hours after the state of Alaska released 24,199 emails written by Sarah Palin during her tenure as Governor, a celebrated supercomputer created by IBM failed to translate the messages into English.

IBM computer scientists who work in the company’s language recognition lab were initially optimistic that Watson, the computer that rocketed to fame as a contestant on television’s Jeopardy game show, would have no problem cracking the code of Gov. Palin’s gubernatorial emails.

But the scientists grew concerned when Watson stalled after five hours of nonstop processing and billows of smoke began to emanate from the supercomputer’s vents.

Finally, Watson issued a terse "ERROR" message, reading, "Not a recognizable language."

An IBM spokesman said that while Watson had failed in his mission, there was probably not a great wealth of information in the emails to begin with, because Mrs. Palin is an idiot.



For her part, Gov. Palin seemed unfazed by the news, using a stop on her bus tour to blast Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY): "In Paul Revere’s day, he had to ride from door to door to show people his penis."


In further news, in another setback for the GOP presidential field, shortly after former House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s total campaign staff quit en masse, they released a brief statement explaining their actions: "We all simultaneously realized he was a douche."

Mr. Gingrich’s former staff would not divulge their precise location, but are rumored to be hiding somewhere in Pakistan.

Despite the mass defection, Mr. Gingrich remained upbeat, announcing that he would replace his entire staff with imaginary friends.




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2012 ELECTION CANCELLED: Obama Buoyed by 100 Percent Approval Rating

WASHINGTON – In what historians are calling an unprecedented development in American politics, both major parties decided today to cancel the 2012 election.

The decision to scrap the 2012 contest came on the heels of a new poll showing President Barack Obama with an approval rating of one hundred percent, believed to be a record high for an American president.

Mr. Obama even polled well among Republicans, with a majority of GOP voters agreeing with the statement, “I no longer care that he wasn’t born here.”

The new bipartisan spirit sweeping the nation was captured well by House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who tearfully told reporters, “This is a great day for America… oh, leave me alone, goddamn it.”

Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump made no official announcement, but sources said he was considering running for Prime Minister of Canada.

The cancellation of the election comes in the aftermath of the death of Osama bin Laden, whose last words reportedly were, “You're not the pizza guy...”

Of all the major news networks, Fox News did not report news of bin Laden’s death, saying that it would air cartoons “until further notice.”

In Libya, Colonel Moammar Gadhafi issued the following official statement: “Uh-oh.”

In North Korea, President Kim Jong-Il said this: “I have lost my last friend on Facebook.”

And in Wasilla, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said this: “We must find and kill Osama bin Laden.”

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GADHAFI BANS JOURNALISTS, ARGUING "IT'S WORKED FOR FOX NEWS"

Establishes ‘No Spin Zone’ Over Libya

TRIPOLI – Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi took the extraordinary step of banning all journalists from his country today, arguing, “It’s worked for Fox.”

According to advisors to the Libyan dictator, Mr. Gadhafi has been studying the Fox News Channel closely in recent weeks as an example of a large enterprise that has thrived in the absence of journalism.

“Colonel Gadhafi has made no secret of his admiration of Fox,” said one aide to the Libyan dictator. “He has even told his nurses to wear more makeup so they will look like the Fox anchorwomen.”

Speaking over Libyan state television this morning, Mr. Gadhafi said that by expelling all journalists from Libya, he was protecting the Libyan people from “the bias and distortions of the lamestream media.”

The Libyan dictator said he was establishing a “no spin zone” over the country, replacing all actual news with a series of television shows “allowing for a free exchange of opinions – all of them mine.”

Mr. Gadhafi’s actions drew immediate criticism from Fox owner Rupert Murdoch: “A brutal dictator who is hostile to journalism? It definitely sounds like he is ripping me off.”

At the State Department, an official spokesman offered this response to Mr. Gadhafi’s actions: “As is State Department policy, we will wait several weeks and then issue a confusing, noncommittal statement.”

Meanwhile, several prominent Republicans voiced criticism of President Obama’s Libya policy, including former President George W. Bush, who urged Mr. Obama to define the mission: “That way, you can hang up a really cool banner once it’s accomplished.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) said that she also had serious questions for Mr. Obama about Libya: “For example, where is it?”

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AFRAID TO WATCH THE NEWS, MILLIONS TURN TO FOX

With unprecedented crises engulfing the world, millions of television viewers are finding the news too stressful to watch – and are turning to the Fox News Channel instead.

“Things are so bad in the world right now, many people are afraid to watch the news,” says psychologist Davis Logsdon, who studies the relationship between news consumption and stress at the University of Minnesota. “For them, Fox News represents a welcome break from reality.”

Tracy Klugian, 37, a systems analyst from Lansing, Michigan, said that he was flipping the channels to find “anything but news” and found himself watching Fox for the first time.

“They had this guy on – something Beck I think his name was – and he was just going on and on, making stuff up,” he said. “I was like, this is the kind of mindless junk I need right now.”

Mr. Klugian says he now records the program and watches it every day when he gets home for work: “For one hour at least, I know that I can kick back and not hear anything that’s going on in the world.”

He said that watching Fox had also introduced him to “my favorite new comedian – this hysterical woman named Michele Bachmann.”

“She was doing this bit about how the American Revolution started in New Hampshire, not Massachusetts, and then she started mixing up where Lexington and Concord were,” he said. “Okay, I know it sounds really stupid, but I almost peed myself.”

Elsewhere, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker said he is not worried how history will remember him “because if I have my way, there won’t be any history teachers.”

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MARCH MADNESS EXPLAINED

While the Mideast is sorting its dictators out, let's turn to another topic: March Madness!

March Madness is a wonderful American sports tradition where over 800 college basketball teams compete to see who is the maddest! It’s VERY mad and everyone from President Barack Obama down to the lowliest, most recent immigrant from Sierra Leone or Canada get into it BIG TIME. It’s pretty much the most American thing that happens every year, more American than eating an apple pie off of a space shuttle’s hood on Jesus Christ’s birthday.

HOW DOES IT WORK!

I’ll be honest with you right now: I don’t 100% know. No one does because there are NO RULES. It wouldn’t be MAD if it had guidelines written by some softy queer at Harvard or SUNY Binghamton, would it? Correct. It wouldn’t be.

In any case, the idea is that one team has to be the maddest, or “most mad.” Each game has a task that has to be completed to the satisfaction of the judges, while also playing a full game of basketball, if possible.

THE JUDGES

This year the judges are Michelle Obama, Werner Herzog, Dr. Mehmet “Dr. Oz” Oz, Art Garfunkel, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Lange, Baby Jessica, Charlie "Tigerblood" Sheen, and Randy "Pitchy" Jackson.

THE MADNESS

Starting back on March 15, each game played has a different challenge, in addition to the usual challenge of having to play basketball at an elite level.

MARCH 15: Each player must play from within a human size hamster ball filled with hamsters and one human (them.)

MARCH 16: The game is played in full darkness, officiated by blind referees firing 12-gauge shotguns loaded with bird shot at any basketball-related noise they hear.

MARCH 17: This game is simple. Standard basketball. BUT, there are no hoops and anytime a player wishes to “score,” he must build his own hoop, net, and backboard, score his 2 “basketball points,” then burn his handiwork in a ceremonial fire, center court.

MARCH 18: For this game, the standard basketball is replaced with a vaseline basketball. It’s not really a ball, I guess; it’s more of a basketball-sized glop of Vaseline.

MARCH 19: This game is just normal basketball. With one twist - it’s baseball.

MARCH 20: Each player must play wearing an earpiece through which they’ll be coached by motivational superhero, Tony Robbins, who will have ingested 8 ounces of psilocybin mushrooms and just been informed of his dog’s death.

MARCH 21: Every other player is replaced by a centipede. Not a mutant radioactive centipede that can eat people; just a regular little centipede (Note: most centipedes do not know how to play basketball, so this game is extraordinarily difficult).

MARCH 22: “Theme Game”: Lord of the Rings vs. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

MARCH 23: Each player must carry his favorite celebrity chef on his shoulders for the entire game. If more than one player share a favorite chef, they will have to divide the chef with a machete and carry a portion of the chef in a velvet sack tied around their waist.

MARCH 24: Regular basketball, but without a ball.

MARCH 25: For this special game, Larry Bird will sit in a lifeguard chair by one end of the court and Magic Johnson will sit in a lifeguard chair at the opposite end. They’ll take extensive notes throughout the game and then explain to each player and his mother in exhaustive, personalized detail why they will never be as good as them.

MARCH 26: 12 hours before this game, each player will be forced to drink his own body weight in prune juice. The game itself will be regular, old-fashioned basketball, played in a “toilet-free” stadium.

MARCH 27: For this game, each time a player gains possession of the ball, he must paint a museum-grade oil painting of Liza Minelli shooting five separate rainbows out of her legendary vagina.

MARCH 28: Each player is replaced by one of his grandfathers. If his grandfathers are both dead, too bad; life isn’t fair, and March Madness is mad.

MARCH 29: Pizza Party! A fan favorite; for this match-up, each player carries a pizza on their head throughout the game! “Won’t they fall off,” you ask? Nope! They’re stapled on!

MARCH 30: Family Time! For the penultimate game, any women the players have impregnated over the years are invited onto the court to address any unsettled paternity claims. This one’s a doozy!

MARCH 31: Regular, classic basketball, but since it’s the Championship, each player wears a tuxedo and brings the ball to the hoop in style, mounted atop the mightiest of horses, the Clydesdale. But to reach the hoop, they must navigate around the Moscow Ballet, who will be performing an amped up version of “The Nutcracker,” accompanied by Slayer, The Beastie Boys, and Sarah McLachlan.

THERE YOU HAVE IT! They don’t call it March Madness for nothing! I hope you’ll tune in to each uniquely “mad” game and bet any money you’ve reserved for food or medicine on your favorite team. To be honest, Buffy and I would only watch March Madness if it really was the way I just made fun of it, so whether my home team Syracuse University wins or loses, we can't wait for CBS to get back to its regular programming (did you know Fred Armisen has a comedy series "Portlandia" on the Independent Film Channel Fridays at 10:30? Or that there even is an IFC channel? Neither did I, but I'll watch ANYTHING except this March Madness bullcrap).

Comments closed because I don't really give a shit which team(s) any of you are or aren't rooting for: we're fucking bombing Libya for God's sake! And Japan's been stomped into rubble by Godzilla or something! Not good satire material out there these days, folks. Check back when March Madness is over.

- Dr. Bob "Basketball" Beechinor

UPDATE: Syracuse just lost. For Central NY, March Madness is officially over.

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WORLD CANNOT BELIEVE GADHAFI HASN'T FUCKING LEFT YET

As protests in Libya enter their fourth week, the consensus in diplomatic circles is a sense of disbelief that Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi has not fucking left yet.

Around the world, diplomats spoke openly about Mr. Gadhafi, often in language reserved for WikiLeaks cables, underlining the prevailing opinion that Mr. Gadhafi is behaving like a ginormous dick.

"Moammar Gadhafi is acting like an in-law who's stayed too long and can't take a hint," said the usually reserved Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "I have no idea why he's still fucking there, other than to be an epic douche."

Even President Barack Obama, renowned for his careful choice of words, seemed to be losing patience with Mr. Gadhafi: "I never thought I'd say this about someone, but Moammar Gadhafi is an even bigger jackass than Kanye."

In a sign that the US may be trying to send a clear message to Mr. Gadhafi, today the State Department dispatched Donald Trump to Libya.

As people once again filled the streets of Tripoli, Fox News said that it could not estimate the crowd size "until we know how many of them are Democrats."

Meanwhile, CNN's Wolf Blitzer said that as the crisis deepens in Egypt, "Stay tuned to CNN for up-to-the-minute reports about Charlie Sheen."



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SHOOTING SUSPECT RELEASED AFTER NOT BREAKING ANY ARIZONA LAWS

TUCSON, AZ — Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspect—accused of a shooting spree that left six dead and 14 injured, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords—had not technically broken any Arizona state laws.

"While Loughner is clearly a deranged madman who, with this heinous, tragic act, has proved to be a danger to himself and others, he has not explicitly violated any statutes currently on the books in Arizona," Pima County Attorney Barbara LaWall said of the man whom witnesses saw murdering a 9-year-old girl and a federal judge.

"We can only hope that if he acts out again, another Arizona citizen will be legally carrying a concealed firearm and be able to stop him."

LaWall told reporters that the only way her state would have any legal recourse in the brutal slayings would be if Loughner were Mexican.



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IMPRESSED WITH SPEECH, FOX NAMES OBAMA AN HONORARY AMERICAN

Impressed by his speech at the University of Arizona the other night, the Fox News Channel today took the extraordinary step of naming President Barack Obama an honorary American.

"Let's face it, he's earned it," said Fox host Glenn Beck. "I don't care where he came from, he's one of us now."

Naming President Obama an honorary American was only one of a series of conciliatory moves made today by what promises to be a kinder, gentler Fox News.

A network spokesman said that starting this week, Fox would air one minute of civil discourse every Sunday at 4 AM.






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