2009 REVISITED, JIB-JAB STYLE

You might want to view this video a few times, because it's fast. And if you don't want to comment, it's okay, because most of you already posted New Year's resolutions on the last blog. Enjoy.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

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SENATE UNVEILS CompromiseCare™

WASHINGTON - The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCare™:

• Under CompromiseCare™, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
• Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
• You will have access to cheap Canadian drugs if you live in Canada.
• States whose names contain vowels will be allowed to opt out of the plan.
• You get to choose which doctor you cannot afford to see.
• You will not have to be pre-certified to qualify for cremation.
• A patient will be considered "pre-existing" if he or she already exists.
• You'll be free to choose between medications and heating fuel.
• Patients can access quality health care if they can prove their name is "Lieberman."
• You will be entitled to natural remedies, such as death.

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THROW ANOTHER BLOG ON THE FIRE, IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!

Although this is a festive time of year, it can also be a difficult and stressful time for a certain group - a group whose needs, all too often, are overlooked in our society. That group is: men.

Why is the Christmas season so hard on men? There are many complex reasons, by which I mean: women.

This problem dates back to the very first Christmas. We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and myrrh - at least according to my dictionary - are gum resins. Who gives gum resins to a baby?

The answer is: men. The Wise Men, being men, didn't even START shopping for gifts until the last minute, when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem area were closed for Christmas Eve. The only place still open was Big Stu's House of Myrrh.

So the Wise Men showed up at the manger, handed their baby gifts to Mary, and headed for the eggnog. Mary looked at the gifts - which were not wrapped, nor were they accompanied by cards - rolled her eyes, tossed the gum resins to the goats (who ate them) and said: "Next Christmas, we are going to have some gift-giving RULES." But the Wise Men didn't hear her, because by then they were over by the crib trying to teach the Baby Jesus to pull their finger.

This is basically how things stand today. At this point in the Christmas season, your standard woman has already purchased and wrapped thoughtful gifts for approximately 600 people, including her children, her relatives, her friends, her husband's relatives, the children of her friends, relatives of children of her friends, etc. She has also purchased several thoughtful gifts for nobody in particular, so she will not be in the horrifying position of receiving a gift from somebody for whom she does not have a retaliation gift.

In contrast, your standard man, at this point in the Christmas season, has purchased zero gifts. He has not yet gotten around to purchasing an acceptable gift for his wife for LAST Christmas. He did give her something last year, but he could tell by her reaction to it that this gift violated an important rule, but the man had no idea what this rule was, and his wife was too upset to tell him.

And now ANOTHER Christmas is looming, and this man, terrified that he will screw up again, has been wracking his brain for gift ideas for his wife. Nothing like last year: He won't make THAT mistake again! He's thinking vacuum cleaner.

But he's not sure. He's a nervous wreck. A lot of us men are. That's why we buy gifts at the very last minute, or, optionally, never. It's not that we're thoughtless jerks!

Well, OK, thoughtless. But not jerks! We're doing our best to get through a stressful season. So on behalf of all men, I ask all you women to cut us some slack; and accept us for the imperfect beings that we are compared to you. And give us a clue as to what you'd like, right down to the exact URL for the actual gift; don't say, "Surprise me," unless you really really want a vacuum cleaner (with our luck we'd get the wrong model anyway, and those fuckers are impossible to wrap).

DISCLAIMER: Today's blog in no way refers to either Doc or Buffy. Really. We both have our gifts to each other wrapped and ready to give. The part about the woman having already 'purchased and wrapped thoughtful gifts for approximately 600 people' is an exaggeration for comic effect and does not refer specifically to Buffy, who has surpassed the 600 number significantly and still has more wrapping to do.



And Lastly, to all my Faithful Readers/Commenters:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, or religious faith, of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Happy Christmahannakwanzika to all!

- Doc -



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SANTA INJURED IN MYSTERIOUS NORTH POLE SLEIGH ACCIDENT (ANY RESEMBLANCE TO TIGER WOODS IS PURELY SATIRICAL)

NORTH POLE - Santa Claus is reportedly recovering from injuries and lacerations incurred around 2:30 a.m. Saturday when he flew his sleigh into the famous North Pole pole, which is situated about 10 yards beyond the end of his workshop's driveway.

According to North Pole Fire Department reports, he had been extracted from the sleigh by his wife, Mrs. Claus, who came out of their house with a giant candy cane and used it to bludgeon three of Claus's flying reindeer to death in an attempt to free him from the vehicle.

Their identities have been withheld until the families could be notified, but it is speculated that the casualties may include Donner, Prancer and Blitzen.

"It's odd, because he's flown past that pole a million times before without incident - literally, a million," said one North Pole resident who asked to be identified only as Hermey. "Also, he's never out that late, except on Christmas Eve, and by that time he's usually flying somewhere over Belize."

The incident comes on the heels of a report last week alleging that Santa had engaged in a protracted affair with an anonymous woman, later identified in Us magazine as 'Doll' from the Island of Misfit Toys. Doll, 45, not only admitted to an affair, she also provided Us with photos and hundreds of "racy" text messages to prove it, such as one in which Santa tells her that she's on his "very naughty list."

She also provided a voice mail in which Santa tells her that Mrs. Claus had searched his iPhone contacts and might be calling her, and that if she did, Doll should tell her she's been involved in a long-term committed relationship with the Charlie-in-a-Box.

Still, Santa's defenders have noted that Doll has a long history of emotional instability, having also been linked to Yukon Cornelius, the cowboy who rides an ostrich and Scott Stapp of Creed.

"Everybody always wondered what made her a misfit toy," noted Hermey. "I'll tell you what it was - it was because she's got an effing screw loose."

Still, many say it's not surprising that Santa would have his extramarital dalliances.

"He flies around the world - that's a lot of ports of call, if you get my drift," said Playboy magazine mogul Hugh Hefner when asked about the controversy. "Why wouldn't Santa have something else going on? He's famous, attractive and youthful. Err, at least compared to me.

"And I've had sex with a different woman every night since 1953," he pointed out.

Santa, for his part, released a statement apologizing for his "transgressions," and noting that in the future he plans to be "good for goodness' sake," as required by his recently renegotiated prenuptial agreement.

He also requested that children stop asking "How is Mrs. Claus?" in their letters to him.

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RUSH LIMBAUGH SLAMS GOD FOR DITHERING, FAILED LEADERSHIP

President Obama has been accused by Rush Limbaugh of 'dithering' by taking the autumn to review options for Afghanistan before announcing them the other day (interesting word, 'dithering' - say it repeatedly and it's almost like lithping). Anyway, it gave me the idea to do today's blog from a familiar but skewed Limbaugh perspective:

Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has taken his recent rant against President Barack Obama to a new level and has now launched a verbal assault on the Lord Almighty Himself. During a second interview with Fox News' Chris Wallace, Limbaugh lambasted God for various shortcomings and a lack of attentiveness.

"The creator in which we're all endowed? What does that mean?" Limbaugh railed during the as-yet-unaired interview. "I'm not a black man; I'm not very well endowed. Every human being looks different. How can we all possibly be made in His image?

"Sending your son Jesus down to Earth to 'check things out' and then watching him get strung up on a cross and doing nothing - what's that about?" Limbaugh continued uninterrupted. "This may sound controversial, but I don't think He really cares. I don't think God cares what happens here on Earth."

When Wallace asked Limbaugh his thoughts on the Son of God, the Republican talking head said Jesus Christ was "pompous, a bit of a windbag, and wrong."

Limbaugh's rant against the Supreme Being went on for just shy of 30 minutes and remained relatively unchecked by Wallace, who at one point was caught by the camera massaging the corns on Limbaugh's chapped, dry feet. Pundits say even when Wallace did push Limbaugh on certain topics, his questions were "as soft as that man's heels after applying the moisturizer."

"I don't recall voting, but apparently Rush is now the de facto head of the human race," said The Nation magazine editor Katrina Vanden Heuvel. "Guess he didn't learn anything from Pat Robertson. Rush is headstrong, a head case, and headed to hell.

"Say hi to Karl Rove when you get there," Vanden Heuvel added.

At one point during the interview, Limbaugh looked as if he was going to spontaneously combust, so Fox News producers did pause it momentarily to allow him to down some painkillers. Limbaugh then proceeded to call out God for "treating Earth like a giant game of Yoville" and "trying to placate human suffering by sending us a black chair with ottoman."

"Let me put it to you this way. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost all wrapped into one?" Limbaugh said. "I think he's narcissistic, has an out of this world ego, and can't possibly have created this entire place in seven days.

"I mean, it takes longer than that to get a contractor to come install a wood floor for crying out loud," Limbaugh noted.

The Rush Limbaugh interview will air on a future Fox News Sunday program when the Republicans are in need of some slanderous press in order to push an anti-Christian agenda for political gain.


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TOP TEN THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT GLENN BECK ( NOT REALLY THIS IS SATIRE, PEOPLE)

America’s hero of hyperbole is stronger than ever these days. The growing list of sponsor drop-outs and petitions from civil libertarians can’t bring our dear Glenn Beck down. He may eventually end up broadcasting from his bomb shelter wearing a tin foil hat and talking into a soup can tied to the remaining hairs on his head. But for now, he’s planted firmly on his donut pillow at Fox News.

There’s a lot to love about Glenn Beck (satire, remember?).

Number 10: He can out-rant anyone from Bill O’Reilly to Christian Bale

Sure, Bill O’Reilly can threaten to “do it live”, and Christian Bale will “trash your lights”, but Glenn Beck can outwit, outrage and out-rant the best of ‘em, from the pithy to the British.

During a conversation about health care reform on his radio show with a venerable opponent known only as “Kathy”, Glenn’s voice transformed into a psychotic growl as he ordered the woman to get off his phone. He spun into a frenzy, squealing once again, “Get off my phone!” in an eerie, falsetto howl. O’Reilly and Bale can do the whole angry thing, but can they do it in a spine-chilling shriek? Can they strike terror in the hearts of Kathy’s everywhere?

Didn’t think so.

Number 9: He don’t need no stinkin’ logic!

Ever want to spit in the face of reason and good sense? Glenn does this on a daily basis. He’s been quoted as saying, “The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be President would be ‘What the hell you mean we’re out of missiles?’” On another occasion he said, “Timothy McVeigh was a coward. Violence is the stupid way out. It’ll discredit any real legitimate movement.”

Take that, brainiacs! Glenn is able to inspire us all to say what we feel, not what we mean.

Number 8: He doesn’t need weed to concoct a good conspiracy theory…

In the olden days, conspiracy theories were reserved for reefer-toking burnouts who were set to discredit scientific facts and oppressive government organizations. Glenn has brought radical suspicion to the rest of us, turning the most jovial conservative into a seething, paranoid extremist. He can transform public leaders into nazis, communists, fascists or any other kind of unpleasant party you can think of. Even…gasp…a socialist! Move over McCarthy, there’s a new psycho in town.

Glenn has even spearheaded the popular new party game, “Six Degrees of Oligarchy”.

Number 7: Who doesn’t love chipmunks?

Glenn vaguely resembles this petite, striped member of the rodentia family. Chipmunks are loveable little creatures that scurry about, collecting nuts and seeds to stuff inside their cheeks. So what’s Glenn’s excuse? What has he been storing up there? Is it razors or pushpins, to easily bring tears on command? Frogs, to help croak out his distinctive Kermit voice? Nuts, because sometimes he feels like a nut?

Number 6: He’s been through butt surgery “gone awry”

Glenn’s deep feelings go all the way where the sun don’t shine. Back in 2007, when Glenn hated the American health care system, he had “eye-opening”, “melt your brain”, “phenomenally bad” hemorrhoid surgery that led him to the brink of suicide. Glenn fully recovered from the ordeal, despite becoming the butt of many jokes thereafter.

Sadly, surgeons were unable to remove the bug that clearly still resides there.

Number 5: He went to church for sex

Some people start going to church to make themselves a better person or to live a life serving God. Glenn found religion because his second wife, Tania, refused to have premarital sex, and wouldn’t marry unless the two adopted a faith. So Glenn did what any red-blooded male would do, and that is to race to the car in search of God, leaving a trail of dust à la Speedy Gonzales. The two proceeded to go on a “church tour” in search of the perfect religion, ultimately deciding on Mormonism.

One has to wonder, however, if Tania wasn’t trying to pull off some colossal bluff when she asked Glenn to find religion before getting in bed with her.

Number 4: He is undaunted by fearsome foes like Whoopi Goldberg

When appearing on The View in early 2009, Glenn was reluctant to address a complicated conflict between him and the ladies regarding an interlude on an Amtrak train. He responded to Barbara Walter’s melodious inquiry, “Why are you nervous?” with the assured, confident reply, “Have you looked the way looking-whoop-Whoopie’s looking at me?”

What’s even better is he had absolutely no response to Whoopie’s assertion that Glenn is a “lying sack of shit”.

Number 3: He has perfected the bittersweet “Pre-Cry Gasp”

Glenn’s been mocked for his frequent crying spells, but people don’t realize that it takes a certain talent to achieve the consummate Pre-Cry Gasp and subsequent Breath Hold. These steps that sound a lot like challenging wrestling moves are no laughing matter. If performed incorrectly, Glenn could suffer an aneurysm from holding his breath too long, or worse – even more brain damage.

Consider each successful tantrum a victorious walk along a thin, dangerous line.

Number 2: Glenn might have been the second shooter in the JFK assassination

In homage to our friend Glenn, let us explore the possibility of his involvement in the JFK assassination.

The alleged second shooter was purported to have shot JFK from a grassy knoll. The letters G and K of “grassy knoll” correspond with the first and last letters of the name “Glenn Beck”. The U.S. Government affirms that Lee Harvey Oswald was the one and only shooter. Glenn’s middle name? Lee. Glenn was born in Washington State. What was the capital of the country in which JFK was murdered? Washington, DC.
The shooting occurred on November 22, 1963. Glenn Beck was born less than three months after, on February 10, 1964. Coincidence? Hardly.

Draw your own conclusions, America.

Number 1: He tried to go back in time

In the 80’s, Glenn was arrested for speeding in his DeLorean. He would have been more successful at getting a “re-do” on his life if he hadn’t left one of the gull-wings of his car wide open. Great way to get in an accident, terrible way to retreat in time to convince your mother she had a headache the night you were conceived.

Glenn, don't just send political debate back to the dark ages...send the past the gift of your company.

Commenters, send us the gift of your snarkiest observations on Glenn Beck.

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING (HOPE YOU GET A FEW LOL'S OUT OF THIS):

Thanksgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives to spend quality time with our loved ones, rediscovering all the reasons we don't actually live with them.

But Thanksgiving is also a spiritual time of quiet reflection, a time when we pause to remember, as generations have remembered before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is -- in the words of the U.S. Department of Agriculture -- ''a ticking Meat Bomb of Death.'' Yes, it is a tragic but statistical fact that every Thanksgiving, undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Dan Rather).

Sometimes the cause is deadly bacteria; sometimes -- in cases of extreme undercooking -- the turkey actually springs up from the carving platter and pecks the would-be carver to death.

The only way to be sure you've killed all the bacteria in your turkey is to cook it until a meat thermometer inserted into the breast melts, indicating that the turkey has attained the same internal temperature as the sun. ''Basically,'' advises the surgeon general, ''you want to be serving your family a 16-pound charcoal briquette.'' Even then you should keep a flamethrower handy.

Also, no Thanksgiving dinner is complete without pumpkin pie. Here's an easy recipe for this delicious traditional dessert:

1. Using a dangerous knife, cut the top off a large pumpkin.

2. Inside you will find a mess of stringy, stanky, slimy pumpkin innards. Scoop these out and discard them.

3. Now discard the rest of the pumpkin, because the simple truth, obvious to anyone with half a brain, is that NO PART of the pumpkin looks, smells or tastes ANYTHING like so-called ''pumpkin'' pie. This is why nobody actually makes pumpkin pie; everybody buys it at the supermarket. The question is: What does the supermarket put in there?

The Food and Drug Administration is investigating this, and according to one informed source (Dan Rather), "They think it's tofu.''

But enough about food. Thanksgiving is also a time of giving thanks, as the Pilgrims did so many centuries ago, for the fact that the malls are open on 'Black' Friday. Otherwise, we'd have to spend another day cooped up with our loved ones, not to mention toxic levels of leftovers.

But in all seriousness, I want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I personally am very thankful that I have folks like you who have terrific senses of humor and thus recognize that I am just ''kidding around,'' and although I have ''poked some fun'' at Mr. Dan Rather, I sincerely believe he was a great journalist and is a credit to his home planet.

In closing, let's have a big group hug and join together in singing this traditional Thanksgiving song that we vaguely remember from childhood:

Over the river and through the woods,

To grandmother's house we go!

The horse is reluctant,

And we can relate,

Because grandmother's house has that weird smell.

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GOING ROGUE: A BOOK REVIEW OF A BOOK I HAVEN'T AND NEVER WILL READ

Following American politics I often feel like our political spectacles have taken on the air of an elaborate performance piece, with each “Tea Party,” Fox News segment, and Republican Savior more egregiously blurring the lines between reality, farce, and surrealism. We watch each Sarah Palin or Bobby Jindal speech fully expecting Ashton Kutcher to appear and let us in on the joke, informing America that it has in fact been punk’d and laughing uproariously at our gullibility. Our collective capacity for credulity has been strained to breaking.

Now we are faced with the daunting task of wrapping our minds around the Palin memoir Going Rogue, appearing atop a bestseller list near you. Millions of copies will be sold of a book written by someone who can’t write, intended for an audience that doesn’t read, about the thoughts of a person who doesn’t think.

If you are in a hurry, here is the succinct version of this 'review': Going Rogue is shit.

It is groundbreaking in its banality and disregard for facts. If you are sentient, it will pain you to read it. Imagine watching your parents 69 one another while John Madden sits behind you and bellows out color commentary and you will have some idea of how excruciating and profoundly scarring it is to plow through each page of this wholly fictional monument to self-aggrandized mediocrity. Going Rogue is to the art of writing what the Holocaust is to the concept of a just God – the piece of disconfirming evidence so overwhelming that we are left questioning whether it can exist at all. Bear with me, gang - Buffy went to bed fairly early, so I have plenty of rant time here before I go to bed myself.

Going Rogue is not without merit. It certainly delivers what its intended audience wants. Readers who already like Palin will love it, much as America’s pedophiles will find the latest Jonas Brothers DVD to their liking. The authors’ talent for communicating the ex-Governor’s unique rhetorical style in print is remarkable – the Sesame Street cadence of her delivery and the intermittent Tourette’s-like winks leap off the page. The book, recession priced at just $9, is also an ideal gift for the Aunt or Uncle who assaults your email inbox with a dozen weekly communiqués on the President’s Kenyan birth and the constitutionality of income taxes.
Unfortunately that is an exhaustive list of its strengths.

The book is less a biography than an elaborate press release. Its 432 pages (with sixteen pages of pictures – and no index) barely feign interest in describing Palin’s life in detail. It moves as quickly as possible to its real raison d'être – a methodical re-imagining of her entire political career replete with more excuses than a Cleveland Browns post-game press conference. Palin has never done anything wrong. The public have merely been led to believe that she is a dangerously stupid, erratic narcissist. Going Rogue is all about setting that record straight, offering a wildly implausible excuse for every crash and bang in her train wreck of a political career.

The theme that permeates the book – and with all the subtlety of an Oliver Stone film – is Palin’s overwhelming magnanimity. The book itself was written solely for our benefit, to set straight all of our misconceptions. Her Hindenburg interview with Katie Couric was done only because Palin pitied the struggling journalist (no mention of how her personal generosity forced her to answer simple questions like a lobotomized rube who had never ventured beyond Wasilla). Her hillbilly-wins-the-Lotto shopping sprees and misuse of Alaska taxpayers’ funds to take her daughters on vacations in $3000 per night hotels either never happened (er, she “usually” eschewed lavish accommodations for simple ones) or were forced upon her by others; McCain aides practically held a gun to her head and made her buy a new wardrobe. She resigned the governorship halfway through her only term for the benefit of the people of Alaska (admittedly, she may be onto something there). Her enormous legal bills stem from frivolous ethics complaints by her enemies, and she has borne these costs for you – out of the kindness of her heart. Buying her book and electing her to the presidency is the least you can do in return, ingrate.

A serious question arises from her narrative. Is she a sociopath with a messiah complex – i.e. she actually believes the version of events she relates here – or is she simply a shameless liar? Does she honestly fail to realize that the McCain team was bending over backwards to protect her from her own stupidity when she rails on about how they abused, demeaned, and stifled her? Does she honestly believe it when she describes herself as someone who “wouldn’t stand for” a conflict of interest from a public servant, or does she consciously sit down at the keyboard and say, “I think I’m gonna make some shit up here!” with the intention of burnishing her image?

It is not coincidental that everyone – and we can use that term without hyperbole – involved with the McCain campaign and not named “Sarah Palin” has already lambasted this book as, variously, “pure fabrication,” “other worldly,” “blatantly and absolutely inaccurate,” “total fiction,” and “a serious mixing of truth and imagination.” These charges would be predictable from liberal opponents, but they come from fellow Republicans. That is the shocking and crass aspect of this book. It is petty, vindictive, and reads like Palin was checking names off of her Nixonian enemies list one by one as she wrote, and the targets of her limitless bile are almost exclusively other Republicans. Barely a word is uttered of President Obama or his campaign aside from some factually errant potshots at his policies – including the “bailout” legislation signed by George W. Bush, underscoring Palin’s slavish attention to detail. Nary an insult is leveled at Obama, Biden, or other Democrats on a personal level, something that cannot be said for Steve Schmidt and the rest of the McCain team. Schmidt may have seemed to the rest of us like a salty, dumpy campaign pro desperately trying to maintain order in a campaign that, thanks to Palin, skirted the line between chaos and comedy - half Ringling Brothers circus, half Triangle Shirtwaist fire. But Palin once again sets straight the record, depicting Schmidt throughout as a profane, hysterical misogynist hell-bent on destroying her and, she bizarrely claims, forcing her to abandon the Atkins Diet.

Going Rogue is many things, but it is not a good biography. It is a work of fiction and therefore not totally undeserving of commercial success. Every autobiography – be it from a political aspirant or the latest WWF superstar – massages the truth to some degree. Abraham Lincoln once called tact the art of describing others as they see themselves. This book proves that there is not enough tact in the world for a person with even the most tenuous grip on reality to describe Sarah Palin as she sees herself. If this is her attempt at positive spin, it is cynical and petty. If, on the other hand, she believes a single word of this, she is psychologically unfit to run for dog catcher let alone President of the United States.

In short, the book provides ample proof that Sarah Palin’s version of her own life is like the Turkish government’s version of the Armenian Genocide – and approximately as trustworthy. Going Rogue is an irritatingly vernacular, fantastical, and cloying autobiography of a malignant narcissist, every bit as thunderingly stupid throughout as the person behind it. In what world is it either necessary or desirable to spend $9 and four hours to figure that much out about Sarah Palin?


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PALIN LOOKING FORWARD TO READING HER BOOK

NEW YORK - Amid the publicity blitz for her new book, Going Rogue, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said today that "she was looking forward to reading it, big time."

Gov. Palin said that the book caught her interest as she was promoting it on Oprah on Monday.

"From everything I've said about it, it sure seems to be a page-turner," she said. "As soon as I'm off this book tour I can't wait to sink my teeth into it."

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean echoed Gov. Palin's sentiments: "I am also looking forward to reading my book too."





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FT. HOOD GUNMAN NIDAL MALIK HASAN ACCUSED OF PRACTICING PSYCHIATRY

FT. HOOD, TEXAS - U.S. Army Major Nidal Hasan, the gunman who went on a deadly shooting rampage last Thursday, now stands accused of having practiced psychiatry. Military officials said they were surprised to learn that Nidal Hasan was involved in something as shadowy as psychiatry.

"The U.S. Army has a strong track record of training people to use firearms and kill people, not killing people slowly by drugging them up with poisons like Geodon, Haldol, and Prozac based upon faux reasons," said Major Killer.

"It's shocking to think that there are shooters who are also in the business of pushing deadly and toxic drugs on people," said one official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Gunner Marksman, the spokesperson for Mass Murdering Gunmen for Sanity, denied any knowledge of psychiatrists being members of his organization.

"As far as I know, we have no psychiatrists that are members of our organization. We don't believe in that pill-popping stuff and would never drug somebody with poison like Haldol," said Mr. Marksman. "If we discover any psychiatrists in our ranks, we will do whatever is necessary to get them out of our organization and turn them over to the proper authorities."

Many people are saying that Mr. Hasan's being a psychiatrist could give homicidal maniacs a very bad name.

"It's one thing to shoot and kill somebody. But it's quite another to kill somebody very slowly with toxic drugs," said Faye Kerr. "How scandalous to think this man was a psychiatrist. Just think of all the harm this man could have gone on to cause if he had made it out of the military and into a position at the Department of Veterans Affairs. He could have put derogatory notes about veterans based upon lies into their medical records so that the VA could deny them their benefits."

U.S. Army officials have promised to purge their ranks of psychiatrists. Anybody caught practicing psychiatry could face a court-martial.




Related: Fort Hood suspect Hasan went into a 7-Eleven the morning of the shooting to buy coffee. (With video and analysis of Hasan buying coffee at 7-Eleven.)
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/11/06/fort.hood.suspect/index.html


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SENATE GOP HEALTH PLAN TO INCLUDE PUBLIC TORTURE OPTION

Patients wait to check their eligibility at one Baltimore clinic that has offered to pioneer the new healthcare approach.

In opposition to the House healthcare bill passed last weekend, Republican Senate members today unveiled a new bill that incorporates a public torture option designed to limit the use of health care. The bill would put the enhanced interrogation techniques refined at the Guantanimo and Abu Ghraib detention facilities to new use.

"My esteemed colleagues and I have come to the conclusion that most - if not all - of the patients in this nation are hypochondriacs," said John McCain (R - Mars). "These slackers are healthy as country horses and have no real need for medical attention. So why not put their sincerity to the test?" said McCain.

The bill would authorize the use of waterboarding, stress positions, forced nudity, sleep deprivation, threats to loved ones, and other techniques to verify that patients are telling the truth about ailments ranging from head colds to heart attacks.

"My guess is that we'll have a lot of so-called patients confessing they feel perfectly fine and do not really need a doctor," McCain noted. "We expect costs will plummet drastically."

Democratic opponents of the bill have expressed concern for those who suffer collateral damage during the interrogations, but Republican supporters of the bill say they've got that covered. One of the bill's riders includes a burial stipend for grieving families who lose a loved one to public healthcare.

"As you know, the Republican Party cares deeply about family values," McCain added.

While former Vice President Dick Cheney has expressed strong support for the bill, he joins the ranks of other Republican luminaries such as Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin in saying that it does not go far enough.

"I believe I'm on record as supporting torture in every form possible," Cheney said. "For one thing, it's even more fun than shooting your friends in the face. For another, it gets results, even if they are totally unreliable.

"So I say we publicly torture the doctors and nurses, too," Cheney added. "Sooner or later, someone will crack."

McCain puts the cost of the bill at just over $700 billion, the cost of which could be a sticking point with the Democratic swing vote. One option being considered is the provision of jobs for unemployed military personnel who would finally be able to put their torture skills to good use in a civilian setting.



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MOCKING STATE MOTTOS: INVENT SOME OF YOUR OWN IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. BONUS: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE THERE.

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HALLOWEEN: THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Halloween reminds me of a simpler, more innocent time -- a time when I dressed up as a goblin and ran around the neighborhood shouting "Trick or treat!''

But that was last year. This year, I think I'll have a more subdued costume. Maybe I'll dress up as a large piece of lumber and carry around a cardboard box labeled ''Interest Rates,'' and every few steps, I'll drop it. Get it? It's the Federal Reserve ''Board''! Dropping interest rates! Ha ha! I bet THAT will get a big reaction from the neighborhood kids! Probably in the form of eggs.

That's the problem with kids today: They don't know what Halloween is all about. It has been commercialized to the point where our young people think it's just ''fun and games.'' They know nothing about the somber origin of this holiday, which dates back to 1621, when the Pilgrims, having survived a difficult first winter in America, decided to express their thanks by dressing up in comical outfits with knickers and hats shaped like traffic cones and then went around playing pranks with what turned out -- tragically -- to be their last remaining roll of toilet paper, and thus as you can imagine their second winter was no picnic either. THAT is what Halloween is about, but try explaining it to these spoiled kids today, with their inexhaustible supplies of Charmin.

Oh, sure, we still teach our children some Halloween traditions. We teach them that this is a time when we buy pumpkins and carve faces into them. But we don't teach them the underlying spiritual reason WHY we do this, which is that each fall, the average American pumpkin farmer produces 17 trillion of these things, and if he doesn't get rid of them, they will rot, and everything the farmer owns, including his smaller children, will disappear under a gigantic cloud of flies. THAT is why we buy pumpkins and carve faces into them.

Maybe, this year, as a nation, we should try to get back to a more traditional kind of Halloween. For example, instead of letting your kids watch modern horror movies, with their ''high-tech'' special effects, you should rent some old traditional horror movies, such as the 1941 classic ''The Wolf Man,'' starring Lon Chaney Jr. There is nothing at all special about the effects in this movie. When Lon turns into a wolf, you see Lon, then you see the moon, then you see Lon again, and ... there's more hair on him! If you look closely, you can actually see the makeup person's hand darting out of the frame. This process continues until Lon has been transformed, chillingly, from an ordinary person into ... a person with obviously fake hair pasted all over him! Oooooh! Then Lon runs around attacking people in a maniacal fury, caused by the fact that he is itching like CRAZY.

I watched that movie a lot, growing up, and it affected me deeply, especially when I reached junior high school and hadn't developed much bodily hair. I used to deliberately hang out under the moon, hoping for something to sprout.

Yes, that is the kind of movie you should show your children this year, perhaps at a neighborhood Halloween party, where you can also do traditional craft projects. Here's a fun one to try!

HALLOWEEN CRAFT PROJECT: Get 24 pieces of 8- ½-by-11 construction paper, 12 black and 12 orange. Now cut each piece lengthwise into 68 identical strips ¼ inch wide and 5- ½ inches long. Form these into loops by fastening the ends with No. 3 staples. Now get a 7-by-11-inch baking pan and mix in the following: 7 ounces of distilled water, one ounce of balsamic vinegar, one teaspoon of clarified butter and 2.78 ounces of extruded bauxite, ground fine. Now put both hands on your behind and hop around the room shouting, ''Boom shacka lacka lacka! Boom shacka lacka lacka!'' Ha ha! Here at The World According to ME, I LOVE giving you instructions for elaborate holiday craft projects that I would never dream of making myself. My role model is Martha Stewart, who actually lives in a Motel 6 room furnished entirely with used KFC boxes.

After the crafts, how about telling the kids a traditional spooky ghost story? For added fun, have Dad secretly hide in the closet while Mom tells the story. When Mom gets to the climactic part where the ghost suddenly appears, imagine the squeals of delighted terror from the kids when ... nothing happens! Because Dad has fallen asleep in there. He's tired. We're all tired. But we WILL go on with Halloween, darn it. That's the kind of nation we are. Personally, Buffy and I plan to repeat our annual Halloween tradition of turning out all the lights to make it look like nobody's home while we watch TV in the back bedroom eating candy. Boo!

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STUDY: MOST SICK AMERICANS WILL BE DEAD BY THE TIME HEALTH CARE BILL PASSES

Bethesda, MD – A study released Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health finds that an overwhelming majority of sick Americans will be dead by the time a health care bill passes, because they delayed doctor’s visits and other necessary medical procedures due to high medical care costs coupled with job losses and low incomes.

“Nearly 72% of the sick in the U.S. are likely to die from treatable medical conditions before a bill overhauling the health care system is passed by Congress, let alone signed by President Obama,” the report said. “Due to the current economic crisis, people are putting off doctor’s visits, minor procedures, and even major surgeries. If the current situation persists, there will surely be several million deaths in the coming year.”

Jim Manna of Allentown, PA, was told he needs coronary bypass surgery to repair clogged arteries. He said he hopes he can wait until a new health care bill is on the books.

“I think I can make it till, let’s say, December,” Manna said. “I mean, I hope they can get it done by then. Judging by how poor my breathing is right now, I don’t think there’s much chance of me making it to January. So, let’s go, guys. Maybe take it up a notch.”

Ethel Jaimes of Chicago knows she should take her son, Jayson, to the doctor, but she is a single mother who just lost her job and cannot afford the visit.

“He’s bleeding, like, from his eyes,” Ms. Jaimes said. “Which I know isn’t good. But what can I do? I ask him, Which would you rather have, bread or the doctor? And he says bread.”

Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa, the ranking Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, said any delay in getting a bill to the Senate floor for debate is not the fault of Republicans.

“It is the Democrats’ attempt to fashion a government takeover of health care that is causing this process to take so long,” Grassley said. “I was ready to pass a bill on day one. Day one of negotiations. I proposed a bill that no one new gets covered, and that being tired can be considered a preexisting condition. Now, is it my fault that no one went with me on that?”

The NIH report concludes by noting one possible advantage to having many millions of Americans die from unreceived medical attention — that many fewer Americans will need health care coverage.

“This could result in a substantially lower cost for the bill that eventually is considered. Reducing by several million the number of Americans who need health insurance coverage would surely bring down the overall cost of the legislation. In addition, as these were the sickest Americans, their care would have been that much more expensive. However, it is important to note that any gain could well be negated by losses in tax revenue due to the rapid disappearance of millions of tax payers.”

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OKLAHOMA OKAYS NEW BIRTHER LICENSE PLATES

OKLAHOMA CITY - A source at the Oklahoma governor's office has confirmed that the state will be the first in the union to officially sanction the so-called "Birther" belief that President Obama was born in Kenya by issuing a special commemorative license plate.

"There has been a lot of call for something like this, so we're only giving in to what our most vocal Oklahomans seem to want," said an aide to Gov. Brad Henry. "If President Obama wishes to clear any of this up by producing the long version of his birth certificate, we'd be happy to add a note mentioning that on the back of the plate."

While the plates will be ready for use by the middle of next month at the earliest, they will not be available for everyone. Birthers will have to prove themselves by first demonstrating their knowledge of relevant information, such as biblical facts, Rush Limbaugh trivia and generalized awareness of historical and current right-wing talking points.

"If you think the Earth is a flat 6000 years old and that Saddam Hussein was wiping his hairy hiney with a US dollar bill while planning 9/11 - pardon my French - you get a plate," the governor's aide told The World According To Me.

The news that Oklahoma was going to add a layer of credibility to President Obama's birth certificate difficulties was met with angry surprise by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.

"What the hell is it going to take: Made In The USA tattooed into the man's ass?" Emanuel asked. "No seriously. Would that do it, do you think?"

The plate itself does not seem to be enough for some Birthers, however, many of whom are demanding that it come with additional perks, such as special parking privileges. These demands have oddly attracted even some Democratic support.

"So they want the same privileges as people with handicapped plates?" asked Oklahoma Democratic Party Chair Todd Goodman. "Yeah, I could see getting behind that."

GOP party luminary Sarah Palin also offered praise for the Oklahoman plate move, stating on her FaceBook page:

"P. Obama needs to come clean about being born so far away in Kenya and not in America. And it is far away. I mean gosh, I can't even see that place from my house!"

[Check out this video: several Republican Congressman say they don't believe Barack Obama is an American. Several dodge the question. Several run like hell from the reporter. Others offer weak-tea justifications for kinda-sorta believing Obama is a natural born citizen, Constitutionally fit to hold the office of President of the United States of America. Only one, Trent Franks of Arizona, gives a correct and clear answer, but even he can't help himself from suggesting that Obama is facilitating Jihad and turning America into a socialist state.]

And in other news, U.S. District Court Judge Clay Land has thrown out a complaint questioning the president's birth from an Army captain fighting deployment to Iraq and gave a warning to her lawyer, crazy birther maven Orly Taitz.



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KANYE WEST DIES IN BALLOONING PUBLICITY STUNT GONE WRONG

Kanye West, a rapper known for yelling at people, died yesterday after falling out of his homemade air balloon while soaring over Los Angeles in what authorities say was an attempt to make people like him. He was 14 years old.

Witnesses say West was floating somewhere above downtown Los Angeles when he spotted a little girl buying some balloons from a street vendor. Believing the girl intended to steal his thunder, West attempted to go yell at her, forgetting that he was hundreds of feet in the air.

He plummeted to the Earth's surface and died instantly.

Police say West's recent embarrassment at MTV's Video Music Awards, where he graphically raped Taylor Swift on live television as the stunned studio audience watched in terror, spurred the creation of a homemade "forgiveness balloon".

"We believe Mr. West intended to regain positive public sentiment by delighting Los Angeles with some high-flying rapping, using a crude balloon made out of garbage bags that vaguely resembled his face," said a representative from the Los Angeles Police Department.

Manfred Palmer, one of West's publicists, claims the rapper was also angling for a reality show in which he would journey all around the world in his homemade balloon to help people.

"Some people forget that Kanye was one of the most intelligent and socially-conscious people of our time," sobbed Palmer. "He had big plans for his balloon show. He would always say to me, 'Manny, if I had my balloon show when Katrina hit, New Orleans would've been okay.'"

West also planned for at least one episode where he would float to meetings of world leaders, and then interrupt them in order to lay down the truth about things.

Still, media analysts believe that now, West will be remembered not for a TV show that never was, or even his rap music, but for his balloon stunt.

"Kanye's balloon has really captured our hearts and minds," said one blogger enthusiastically. "I can't wait to see what that guy is going to come up with next to get our attention!"

Others decried the attention paid to West, using it as a platform to indict modern journalism -- or the lack thereof -- as a whole.

Dr. Thad Jones, a sociologist at Brown University, complained that "we are entering a frightening time in which irrelevant entertainment 'news' is given far too much attention. We didn't have this kind of thing in the 70s. Except for maybe [daredevil biker] Evel Knievel. But that was important social commentary!"

It remains unclear whether or not Kanye West will return from the grave to rap again, as previous once-dead rappers Notorious BIG and Tupac Shakur did. However, if he waits too long, he may have to contend with much more advanced attention-grabbing tactics, says Dr. Jones.

"Now that we've all seen someone floating around in a homemade balloon, it's going to take a lot more to impress us in the future," he said.

Thanks to some of my commenters for the Kanye comments that inspired today's blog.

I had the comments closed because after 200 comments on the last blog about Balloon Boy,
I figured WTF!?! enough was enough. Buffy said I should re-open comments because this blogpost was primarily about Kanye West and not Balloon Boy, so I said 'Yes, Dear'.

C'ya whenever I feel like blogging again, or until some politician's or other asshole's behavior immediately deserves my particular satirical flogging. -Dr. B.



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MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WASTE ENTIRE FUCKING AFTERNOON ON BALLOON BOY

COLORADO - Moments after a little boy who was believed to be in his parents' homemade helium balloon was found safe and sound, millions of Americans came to the realization that they had flushed the entire fucking afternoon down the fucking toilet.

"I watched the entire drama unfold and then it turned out that no drama had unfolded," said Carol Foyler, 32, of Missoula, Montana. "I can't tell you how pissed I am at that fucking kid."

At their Colorado home, the parents of six-year-old Falcon Heene said that they were relieved that their son was all right and that they were pushing forward with their plans to build a giant child-operated flame-throwing robot.

MOON RETALIATES AGAINST EARTH FOR BOMBING CRATER; OBAMA APOLOGIZES TO MOON

WASHINGTON - One hour after NASA spacecrafts barreled into the moon at twice the speed of a bullet in search of ice, the moon launched a series of projectiles toward earth in apparent retaliation.

At least four of the moon’s projectiles landed in the Indian Ocean, but no casualties have been reported. One of the projectiles was the plaque left on the moon by Apollo 11 astronauts following the first moon landing in 1969. Its words ”We came in peace for all mankind” were crossed out with red paint and the words “DIE PIGS!” were scrawled on it. Vice President Joe Biden told a reporter that the moon might be sending the earth a message.

President Obama, with his newly awarded Nobel Peace Prize slung around his neck, sent an urgent video message to the moon in which he apologized “for all of earth’s intrusions on the lunar way of life,” and promised to help rebuild the moon with reparations.

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RUSH LIMBAUGH'S BIG FAT REPUBLICAN HEALTH CARE PLAN

Some people see Rush Limbaugh as a successful entertainer, some see him as a conservative prophet and some see him as the mighty king of all douchebags. No matter what you think of Limbaugh, it's fair to give him credit for his staying power. Like herpes, he never goes away and tends to surface at the worst times. Recently, Limbaugh has spoken out against the current health care reform bill. And he's joined by Republican lawmakers, conservative mouthpieces and wannabe douchebag king Glenn Beck, all failing to produce an alternative plan to solve our country's health care crisis. With a big pile of nothing from them, it only leaves us to wonder what Rush Limbaugh's Republican health care plan could include:

• Irritable bowel syndrome will become the number one medical priority.

• Homosexuality will be classified as a mental illness, unless of course you're a male, Christian politician.

• OxyContin will be free, untraceable and in donut form.

• Anyone who shouts "You lie!" during a Presidential speech will be given a free CAT scan.

• Carpal tunnel syndrome will be covered only if it's a result of masturbating too much while listening to radio airchecks of yourself.

• All illegal aliens will be covered... with dirt.

• No funds will be used for abortions except in the cases of lonely, divorcee radio groupies who spread their legs for a box of wine.

• Any form of socialism will be identified and treated as a rash.

• If you divorce your spouse while they are recovering from cancer, you are not responsible for the co-pay. (Special thanks to Newt Gingrich for authoring this section.)

• Corporate insurance companies' profits will be limited. Just kidding.

• There will be no death panels, but grandma might be sent off to Gitmo.

• Viagra will be officially classified as a candy.

• Brain injuries, Tourette syndrome and halitosis will all fall under a medical condition called Ann-Coulter-itis.

• Anesthesia for surgeries will be available once you commit yourself to God.

• The official food pyramid will only contain pork.

These are just some examples of what could be in a Rush Limbaugh health care plan. Naturally, the Limbaugh plan would exclude gays, lesbians, feminists, African-Americans, Asian-Americans, French Canadians, Mexicans, Muslims, non-Christians, anyone who meditates or does yoga, animal lovers, maids who yap to the police about procuring illegal drugs for their employers , Hollywood, San Francisco, Lexus owners, men in turtlenecks and big tippers.

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Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beth-armogida/rush-limbaughs-big-fat-re_b_286767.html

VALUES VOTERS CONVENTION LEAVES DC; STIFFS HOTELS AND RESTAURANTS

As the Value Voters Convention packed up and left Washington DC today the Convention & Visitors Bureau was inundated with complaints from hotels and restaurants that the coventioneers had skipped out on their bills.

Hotels and restaurants were not the only complainants. There was similar cries of distress from waitresses and cab drivers across the city.. One waitress told of serving a table of four, two man and two women, and after a $120.00 tab left a tip of a dollar. Another waitress reported that a couple leaving the restaurant had picked up the tips from other tables and pocketed the money.

Several cab drivers of Pakistan and Indian descent told of passengers calling them A-Rabs and leaving the cab without paying while the DC Madam reported that she couldn't supply enough girls for SM & kinky sex to satisfy the demand from the conventioneers and one girl returned saying a customer tried to pay her with a Gideon bible and called her a Jezebel when she refused.

The Washington Post reported that Jerome McNair, a quadriplegic Viet Nam war veteran that for fifteen years has positioned himself outside of The Hilton Hotel asking for donations had his donation box stolen twice right before his eyes. He is the sole support for a family of four. He told the Post that the woman conventioneer had shouted as she stole the box..."Get a job...deadbeat"

The Convention & Visitors Bureau said it was the largest number of complaints ever received for one convention.

As the participants left the closing ceremony singing "Yes...Jesus Loves Me.....there was not a cab in sight at the convention center.



Jon Stewart points out the hypocrisy of Values Voters; bonus - a 'flaming' Tom DeLay:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Moral Kombat
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Healthcare Protests

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DEATH IN THE FAMILY

No blog for a while. Headline says it all, and is all you need to know for now.




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JULIUS ANDREAS GIMLI ARN MACGYVER CHEWBACKA HIGHLANDER ELESSAR-JANKOV: NORWAY'S LONGEST NAME?

It's been a slow news weekend for political satire, so in its place check out what I found:
According to Norwegian site VG Nett (which is all in Norwegian for some reason, so here's where I originally got this tidbit), bus driver Andreas Jankov has formally changed his name to Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov. "I wanted to show that it is possible to be serious and at the same time take the name you like," said the film enthusiast. "I wanted to see how far I could take it with respect to the number of names. I started thinking about this three years ago and it was approved in January this year." Apparently, he's had his passport and bank card reissued, but the name was too long so he dropped "Highlander."

- Julius is an homage to the famous chimp at the Kristiansand Zoo
- 'Arn' is a Swedish knight movie
- Elessar and Gimli are from 'Lord of the Rings'
- 'MacGyver', just the greatest Richard Dean Anderson show ever!
- 'Highlander' could refer to either the movie or TV show
- Chewbacka (aka Chewbacca) is from 'Star Wars'

So, When/If he gets married will he make his wife take his name? Or will she hyphenate it... Lol.



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OPEN LETTER TO THE ANGRY MOB

Dear members of the angry mob,

Over the past months, The World According To ME has been observing your activities with great interest. As you have stood, united in your cause, standing shoulder to shoulder with your fellow men, I have never been more confident that the whole is never equal to the sum of its parts. In fact it is not equal to the sum of one part. Collectively you have displayed intelligence no greater than the last lemming to jump off a cliff after all its brethren have lept.

Don’t get me wrong. Individually, you may be top notch. You may be gentle folk who are savvy to the ways of the world. Like the good kid who starts to get bad grades when they hang out with the wrong crowd, you may have just lost your way. You may be dumb by association, or suffer from temporary dumbness. You may have a treatable version of dumb rather than a chronic dumb.

It is with this hope, and with temporary absence of that guy in the bud hat sporting a “Obama eats puppies and washes them down with kittens” placard, that The World According To ME offers you a few immutable facts to help you determine whether you are running with a smart angry mob or a dumb angry mob.

Fact 1: There is no such thing as a smart angry mob

Do you get the sense that most of the people around you would not be able to provide an intelligent answer if asked why they are assembled? And that those remaining would have vastly different answers from one to the next? Chances are you are in an angry, directionless mob and your IQ has already dropped by 20 points. You should work your way out of the crowd immediately. Still not sure? Look at the signs that are being carried around…do they make any sense? Have they been checked for spelling? We didn’t think so.

Why doesn't she support the pubic option?

Fact 2: However bad the politician or the policy, remember that Nazis were really bad.

So Nazis were bad asses, and they exterminated 10 million jews, homosexuals and handicapped people during something called World War II. They also sometimes made housewares like lamps out of parts of the dead, all while trying to conquer Europe. They were really evil, not evil lite.

If you are in a crowd that starts to say that such and such is a Nazi policy, and so and so is a Nazi, it is nearly certain you are in an angry mob, and you should get the hell out… Because you know who loved angry mobs? The Nazis…that’s who.

Fact 3: It is not expedient for a politician to support anything that sounds like part of a Twilight Zone plot line.

Generally, politicians have a concern about being re-elected, and this concern is with them from day one of their first term. Policies that involve feeding the electorate to aliens, keeping the citizenry in human zoos or subverting the political system (ok, there is this guy) are not in their best interest. Neither is something like a “Death Panel”.

If you are in a crowd and a very serious discussion erupts over the faked moon landing, chances are that the crowd will also be open to other crackpot theories du jour. You are in a nascent angry mob. Get the hell out.

More likely interested in serving man through public office...not with potatoes and coleslaw....

Fact 4: Canada can’t be to blame for everything…

Everyone knows that Canada is inherently evil, with their cuddly beavers and their insane notions about universal healthcare…at least everyone seems to know that in the crowd you are in. You are either in a South Park movie or the makings of an angry mob. No sudden movements, but kindly exit stage right.

Fact 5: The louder political pundits support the angrier mobs

Many angry political pundits follow mobs like some people follow stocks, and they love volatility. If angry white guys were an exchange traded fund, then the biggest shareholders would be Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.

Choosing a rally to attend based on a pundit’s recommendation is like asking a pharmaceutical company what drugs you should be taking. You should know that they will recommend what is in their interests…don’t get upset when that third arm sprouts up or when your appendages begin to change color.

These are just a few rules of thumb to heed so you can avoid being caught up in something that sane Americans will shake their heads at. Of course, you can always ignore these rules and have the exclusive opportunity to hang out with these teabaggers who think it's OK to 'Joe Wilson' a CNN reporter:




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SARAH PALIN eBAY DINNER OFFERED -- WITH DISCLAIMERS

Hey kids! Do you happen to have $25,000 dollars or the equivalent in Euros rattling around inside one of your recession-era bank-mattresses? Well why not go for broke -- literally! -- by placing a bid in this online auction to win a private dinner with Sarah Palin! You, along with four of your friends, will be whisked away to have dinner with the former Alaska Governor and her husband. It's basically the premise of Charlie And the Chocolate Factory except in this story, Willy Wonka manufactures death panel lies instead of everlasting gobstoppers!

You can place a bid, right now, on eBay, the very site that Sarah Palin pretended to use to sell that plane. Your money will go to Ride 2 Recovery, which is a charity benefiting wounded veterans, not some ornate legal defense fund. So, really, there's no reason for you not to do this! Be warned though: there are plenty of reasons why you might not be allowed to do this!

According to the lengthy disclaimer, bidders must pass a mandatory background check, like you were buying a gun or something! Palin will determine the site of the dinner -- probably a picnic table right next to her favorite Alaskan turkey-grinding machine -- and reserves the right to bring three guests of her choosing, in case you totally start boring her or asking tough questions about domestic policy. Also, the winner may only bring "one item of reasonable size" to the dinner, so...no, Sarah Palin will not be autographing your Beanie Baby collection, sorry.

Also, there's this:

Dinner shall last no more than four hours, but could be less, in the sole discretion of Sarah Palin. Governor Palin [that's right, this housewife still refers to herself as Governor] reserves the right to refuse dinner with a winning bidder if, in her sole discretion, the winning bidder is not a suitable bidder based on her subjective standards of suitability, professionalism, background and other factors.

So, in other words, don't get any funny ideas, Levi Johnston!

And don't be surprised if she leaves halfway through dinner!

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LET'S ALL DIS JOE WILSON, SINCE HE THINKS IT'S OK TO DIS OBAMA IN A JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN GIVES A 'SHOUT OUT' TO PRESIDENT OBAMA DURING CONGRESS SPEECH

Showing that once more that Republicans have no class and no respect for government and Americans, Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina , real name Addison Graves Wilson, Sr., yelled out "You lie!" when President Obama reassured Americans that his health care reform plan did not include illegal aliens.

"There are also those who claim that our reform effort will insure illegal immigrants. This, too, is false - the reforms I'm proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally," President Obama said.

A loud voice from the Republican side of the hall answered -- it was Wilson (R - S.C.) who apparently could no longer contain himself with sitting on his hands during applause or waving some weird pamphlet around in front of him, and screamed at the President "YOU LIE!"

All eyes turned in the South Carolina Republican's direction -- including Obama's (drawing a second "It's not true," from Obama), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's and Vice President Joe Biden's.

Wilson, looking agitated, leaned forward and began tapping away at his BlackBerry, as if he were Googling up proof that the president had, in fact, lied.

"Shame on you!" shouted someone from the Democratic side. "Throw him out!" shouted someone else. First Lady Michelle Obama, seated behind and above Wilson, seemed to mouth a drawn-out "damn" at the scene unfolding before her.

The bill is designed to exclude those immigrants, though some Republicans have called for more explicit bans on funding for illegal immigrants and have claimed the bill will funnel money to illegal immigrants.

FactCheck.org described those claims as "false" and noted that one version of the legislation already includes an explicit bar on federal funding for illegal immigrants' health care.

Disgusting. Can you imagine the uproar if a Democrat had so little class as to do that during one of Bush's speeches? To be fair, Wilson was condemned on both sides of the aisle. Even McCain said that Wilson should apologize.

Joe Wilson is being challenged by Rob Miller for SC-02. In less than two hours after Wilson's outburst, challenger Rob Miller has raised over $11K. Clearly quaking in his boots at the disgust leveled at him, Wilson has issued the following apology:

“This evening I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the coverage of illegal immigrants in the health care bill. While I disagree with the President’s statement, my comments were inappropriate and regrettable. I extend sincere apologies to the President for this lack of civility.”

Right....

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OUTRAGEOUS, PATENTLY UNTRUE STATEMENTS ABOUT OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE REFORM:

OK - The President spoke to labor unions on Monday, to the nation's returning school children on Tuesday, and tonight he will be addressing a joint session of congress at 8 PM. He clearly has hit the ground running, doing superior damage control after the August recess, and most responsible republicans - even those who were initally opposed to his addressing the kids - have pulled a 180° and said how much they 'admired his inspirational speech', yada yada, making an effort to distance themselves from the loony GOP extremists on the right.

Yet there remain in circulation many patently untrue statements about Obama's healthcare reform (you know: bithers, deathers, tenthers, eleventhers, twelfthers, etc.) that, so far, very few prominent republicans and democrats have come forward to correct.

The best way The World According To ME can deal with such untrue statements is to pretend that the five additional patently untrue statements (that Dr. B. has made up for the purposes of today's satire) make as much sense as Sarah Palin's accusation that President Obama wants to pull the plug on grandma (illustrated in the above pic of two typical republican protesters mispelling 'euthanasia').

Number 5: The town hall sessions were staged by the same guys who did the moon landing

See how the flag flaps? Everyone knows that there is no wind in South Carolina...

Why agree to reform health care if the guy that is claiming to do all of these town hall meetings is not actually there. Furthermore, if he is not actually there, and the Liberal Hollywood Industrial Complex is creating these events at a studio in Culver City, how can we be certain that Obama isn’t actually a kitten-eating robot as some other reports suggest?

Here kitty kitty...

Number 4: A key public option supporter was the second gunman in the Kennedy assassination

The dude who shot at JFK from the grassy knoll was big on the public option for health care…or at least we can assume he was, since anyone who believes in the public option must be a COMMUNIST. If Lee Harvey Oswald was at least a part time communist, it stands to reason that the phantom shooter must have also been a communist. The 2nd shooter may still be among us with his looney tune ideas about quality healthcare for every citizen…unless he was actually that dead scuba diver they found in the tree…

Number 3: Mikey from those Life commercials would have died from mixing pop rocks and coke if Obama’s plan had existed in the 80’s

Remember Mikey? Remember how we all thought he was dead? Well he isn’t, but he would be under Obamacare. It turns out that Obama’s proposal doesn’t cover child stars or people who mix random forms of ultra-sugary processed foods. This also means that Obama’s plan could have wiped out a whole era of must-see TV involving child actors…boys would never have had the opportunity to argue over whether Blair or Joe was hotter on “The Facts Of Life”, as they would have both bought the farm after being refused treatment for downing a box of Twinkies with a case of Yoo-hoo.

Choose Life...

Number 2: Obama will invoke the “Ka-li-fee” Vulcan ritual to determine who will get medical care

Death panels? Oh you’ll wish you had a death panel. Since Obama is actually a Vulcan, he will invoke the “Ka-li-fee” fight to the death in order to determine who gets medical care…and since you don’t have half the stones that Captain James T has, you are pretty much SOL. Even if you do win by fluke, don’t expect to reap the benefits of the Pon Far vulcan mating ritual…Obama is just focusing on the duel part.

We suggest you start practicing with some ridiculously cumbersome weapons immediately:

Number 1: Obama is not actually American, is probably a Freemason, and may have been the person responsible for the cancellation of Arrested Development.

You know that Barack Obama and his other German friends ”secret-handshaked” their way to citizenship and the White House through their affiliation with the Freemasons. No one that calm and reasonable and so bereft of John Waynesque mannerisms could ever have been so successful otherwise . If you spell “Change” backwards, it spells “Egnahc”. Enough said.

But did you know that Obama single-handedly canceled Arrested Development, the best show on TV ever? And did you know that it was because his half brother, Jason Bateman, was about to speak out about Obama’s plan to replace the nation's registered nurses with trained Alpacas from South America? We didn’t think so. You clearly must be Democrats. All Republicans know these things.

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