OBAMA STILL SNEAKING SMOKES, BUT PROMISES NOT TO SMOKE IN THE WHITE HOUSE

Obama was asked -- as he occasionally is, most recently by ABC's Barbara Walters -- whether he still sneaks a cigarette now and then. He suggested he does, but said he won't at his new address.


"What I said was that there were times where I have fallen off the wagon," Obama said. "What I would say is that I have done a terrific job under the circumstances of making myself much healthier, and I think that you will not see any violations of these rules in the White House."

Despite his promises to quit smoking, however, President-Almost Obama is still at it. He told NBC News that he's tried to stop, but "there are times where I've fallen off the wagon." Obama smokes between 3 and 8 cigarettes a day. The good news is that probably isn't enough to kill him before 2016, when he'll be out of office (notice how I gave him a second term).

Back off, press. Bringing hope and change is stressful stuff, and if courting emphysema helps President Obama fix the economy and tame Pakistan, then he should light up. In fact, I believe the Surgeon General should designate a special warning just for Obama:




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REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE ISSUES APOLOGY TO NEGROES

Just days after the news broke that former Tennessee GOP leader Chip Saltsman had released a song parody entitled "Barack the Magic Negro", sung to the tune of 'puff the Magic dragon"(http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/rnc-candidate-distributes-controversial-obama-song-2008-12-26.html), the Republican National Committee issued what it called "an official apology to America's negroes."

In the statement, the RNC ripped Saltsman's song, calling it "tone-deaf, unacceptable, and offensive to every negro in the country."

"We do not want one ill-considered song parody to create the wrong impression," the RNC statement read. "The Republican Party has always been, and will always be, the friend of the negro."

But while the RNC's official statement was designed to quell the outrage surrounding Mr. Saltsman's song, it may have created a controversy of its own.

Just hours after releasing the official apology, the RNC issued a second apology apologizing for the first apology.

"It has come to our attention that we misused a word in our first apology," the RNC statement read. "We should have capitalized 'Negro.' "

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ISRAELIS AND PALESTINIANS PARTYING LIKE IT'S 1967

New Millenium? Try telling it to these guys.

On Saturday, Israel launched massive air strikes into Gaza in an effort to dismantle Hamas, the terrorist group that has been shooting rockets into southern Israel for months. Seventeen Israelis have been killed since the beginning of this year. Muslim countries predictably came to Hamas's defense, with Turkey calling Israel's assault a, "crime against humanity." (Of course, Turkey has yet to weigh in on its own hundred-year-old genocide against Armenians.) The Bush administration expressed its complete support for Israel, saying "[Hamas] are nothing but thugs."

Israel's prime minister Ehud Olmert said the situation is "liable to last longer than we are able to foresee at this time."

But enough about them. What about you?




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RETAILERS TO CONSUMERS: THANKS FOR NOTHING, JERKS!"

Dammit shoppers, you've ruined Christmas! Terrified of how low this Christmas season's sales turned out to be, retailers have been slashing prices left and right, doing everything they can to get shoppers to just come in and buy something for Christ sake. But caught in the reality of a recession, consumers just weren't biting.

The discounts and rebates were really reflective of retailers' desperation. If you went out for some after-Christmas shopping, here are some of the window advertisements that might have had you scratching your head:

How can they make a profit like that?!

Now that's not helping anybody. It's just rude!

Shit, this is depressing.

Okay! Now THAT's how you get people to slap down the credit card!

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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE AND CHRISTMAS. BE BACK ON SATURDAY.

Santa Claus Bailout Hearings
C-SPAN coverage of Santa Claus asking Congress for a financial bailout of the North Pole/Present Giving Industry. If they don't approve his aid package, Christmas may be ruined!

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OBAMA LOSES HIS SHIRT - NO WHITE CHRISTMAS FOR OBAMA FAMILY!

...because it ain't gonna snow in Hawaii.

Barack, raised in Hawaii, knows how to body surf. How cool is that...

Hey, where do you think President-Almost Barack Obama and his family are holing up in Hawaii? Think maybe it's that one house with frickin' cavalcade of cop cycles? Naw... probably not...

Barack, his wife Michelle, and their darling daughters Malia and Natasha were spotted doing some pre-Christmas sunning on the security-riddled lovely coast of Kailua, Hawaii. I'm respecting the privacy of Barack's wife, so no pics of her in her one-piece bathing suit on here (do a Google image search yourself if you must). His girls do appear tastefully in the first pic.

Since the last two blog posts were pics of Barry in school (grades 5-12) and college, I feel duty bound to post a few grownup hot-off-the-press pics of our pec-tacular President-Almost:

And now for the satirical portion of our blogpost:

Global markets swooned today in reaction to photos showing that President-elect Barack Obama had LOST HIS SHIRT!

The pictures depicting a shirtless Mr. Obama wandering about on a deserted stretch of beach stoked fears that the U.S.'s financial woes were deeper than previously reported.

"We have had a steady drumbeat of bad news about the U.S. economy for weeks now," said Tracy Klugian, global asset analyst for HSBC. "Learning that the President-elect no longer has a shirt to his name was the last thing these markets needed."

In an attempt to calm investors. Obama press secretary Robert Gibbs said that the President-elect still owned a shirt and denied rumors that Mr. Obama had invested funds with Bernie Madoff.

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THE COLLEGE YEARS: OBAMA INHALED (STILL DOES SOMETIMES - TOBACCO, NOT POT)

If the last picture above had been released during the campaign, it would certainly have been appropriated for "gotcha" purposes. That explains why former Occidental College classmate Lisa Jack had these photos of Obama locked up in a safe deposit box till now.

If the images serve a purpose going forward -- beyond confirming the early and long-standing nature of Obama's cool, jaunty side -- I would hope this one does have some traction.

Obama, if somewhat reluctantly, has spoken up recently about his battle with nicotine. To the extent that the man has been over-idealized, part of the post-election process in building a more pragmatic relationship with Obama involves realizing the man -- like all of us -- has and feels his stresses; has both constructive and not-so-constructive releases for them; and, yes, does have his demons.



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BARACK OBAMA: SEVENTIES STYLE

The seventies are back in a big way: shaggy hair, plaid prints and idealism have all made a comeback... furthermore, we have a President-Almost who happened to come of age in the 1970s. What does that mean for us? Awesome yearbook photos!

1971: Barry Obama (back row) chose simple sophistication while his 5th grade classmates at the Punahou School opted for traditional floral patterns.

While posing with his ninth grade class at Punahou, Barry is the picture of cool confidence in a crisp white shirt.

Barry wears plaid with members of the Punahou Literary Magazine, Ka Wai Ola.

With the Punahou basketball team.
(State Champions 1979)

Barry's 1979 senior yearbook photo, complete with mini-Afro and butterfly-collared shirt.

"Laters": Barry's senior yearbook page.

Graduation Day 1979
He gets his diploma and is told for the first time that he's black;
advised to move to Chicago and change his name to Barack.
Barry walks off the stage dazed and confused.....
Becomes President of the United States less than 20 years later,
by being perceived by white voters as actually whiter than he is black,
and by black voters as being actually blacker than he is white.

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IS BLAGO GOING TO RESIGN, OR WHAT?

What exactly is Rod Blagojevich planning here? The Governor returned to work on Monday and signed a new bill not two hours after the legislature announced they were looking into impeachment proceedings. Friday he issued 22 pardons. Is he really going to wait this thing out, maybe see if he can get a jury that's sympathetic to the measly pittance of a salary state governors are forced to live on? Here are just some of the ways Blago could go out:

A. He'll resign. As soon as the people of Illinois deliver him a briefcase containing $500,000, he'll resign.

B. He'll go on the lam, leading the police in a high speed freeway chase in a chauffeured car because he's not driving himself unless he gets a salary bump.

C. He'll name names of the corrupt in Chicago. Should get through them all by 2010.

D. He'll resign, spend some time in jail, then land a lucrative endorsement deal with Pantene Pro-V Shampoo and Conditioner.



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BRISTOL PALIN'S FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW ARRESTED ON DRUG CHARGES

'Tis the season of giving, and boy does the Johnston-Palin clan just give and give and give. Only the eve of what could be the birth of Bristol's baby (due TODAY) Levi Johnston's mother has been arrested on drug charges. Specifically:

Troopers charged Johnston with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance -- generally manufacturing or delivering drugs

the story here:
http://blogs.abcnews.com/thenote/2008/12/levi-johnstons.html

Wait, does Mrs. Johnston run a meth lab out of her house? Consider these possibilities:

A. Yes. Didn't Levi brag about that on his myspace page?

B. No. I think she's just lending the good Johnston name to a meth lab that was already in operation.

C. I thought that's how Levi and Bristol met. Track came home one day tweaking out of his mind and said to Bristol, "There's a really cool kid named Levi who lives at the house where I buy my meth. You'd like him Bris-Bris."

D. Bristol's due TODAY?! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!! Oh and in answer to the question, yes of course she runs a meth lab out of her house. Practically everyone in Wasilla does. Just check out these articles three months back when 42 meth labs were uncovered in Wasilla alone. I guess Mrs. Johnson's brings us up to 43:
here....
http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/09/wasilla-the-met.html
and here....
http://www.juneauempire.com/stories/030805/sta_20050308002.shtml

HOW TO GET ROBBED BY A BLIND MAN: NY GOV PATERSON PROPOSES $121.1.BILLION TAX PLAN, INCLUDES TAXES ON MOVIES, TAXIS, MOVIES, DID I SAY MOVIES?!?!?

They've hired worse pitchers in the past...

Read the whole story here, if you want details and facts:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/12172008/news/regionalnews/govs_tax__spend_shocker_144629.htm

If you want The World According to ME's mindlashing take, read on:

Faced with a $15 billion dollar shortfall, New York Governor David Paterson did what any good Democrat would do: a small increase in taxes on the wealthiest New Yorkers, since they were the ones who benefited the most during the bubble whose bursting is currently taking the state down the tubes.

Just kidding! Actually, he's proposing a series of regressive taxes on pretty much EVERYTHING: tuition, food, alcohol, movie tickets, cable television, and iPod downloads. Buffy & I live in NY and are not thrilled by any of this. But rest assured, he's not balancing the budget just by having the poor and middle class pay more. He's also cutting their services.

After all, the poor have had the privilege the watching the super-wealthy become slightly less super-wealthy, and all that schadenfreude is gonna cost them.

But why stop there? There are plenty of other ways to raise $$. Here's some suggestions -- pick your favorite...

A "fuck" tax on foul-mouthed New Yorkers.

Sell pay-view-rights to the firing of Bill Kristol.

Downsize to only one Gyllenhaal.

Sell Staten Island.

Double the iPod download tax on Clay Aiken.

Fees on bars serving any new kind of 'tini.

Invest New York's budget in a mysterious super-secret hedge fund.

and my personal favorite, SELL HILLARY'S SENATE SEAT!

WHO GOT SNUBBED IN TIME'S "PERSON OF THE YEAR" ISSUE?

Time surprised no one with their naming Barack Obama as this year's "Person of the Year." Newsmakers like Sarah Palin and Henry Paulson were included in the magazine's list of their runners up, but we (a journalistic way of saying 'I'...reads better) found some notable omissions from the list. Below we name just a few of the people who we think really gave their all to make the news that shaped our world.

Who Should'a Been a Contender for "Person of the Year"

Just a few nominees off the tops of our heads...

That German guy who kept his daughter locked up in a basement and had sex with her for 24 years - Obama might have shown how far this country has come, but Joseph Fritzl showed just how sucky a Dad can be. He brought millions of families closer when news of his horror broke and daughters around the world called their dads to say "Thanks for not raping me in a basement for 24 years Dad. You're okay."

Palin Rally Hate Screamers - Watching them was like watching the America of the last eight years die a screaming, writhing death. Their sheer terror at the prospect of an Obama presidency let Democrats know that victory really was within reach, and they inspired Democrats to work extra hard to ensure that the candidate these psychos were rooting for was not given the win.

The cast of "High School Musical" - Pure, sizzling, sex. It's like America's id was splashed across the screen and forced to sing terrible songs. By watching them croon in a gymnasium, we learned about ourselves. Turns out, we're kind of creepy.

Ashley Todd- If there was one symbol of the passion and hysteria energizing this year's election, it was the crazy little white girl who wanted to make a difference so bad she started carving shit into her face.

Jared from Subway - We'll nominate him every year until he finally wins, or until his career inevitably comes crashing down when photos surface of a naked Jared shoving his junk into the meat of a Spicy BMT.

700 BILLION FOR YOUR THOUGHTS? WHAT GEORGE BUSH WAS THINKING IN THE FOOTWEAR INCIDENT

I understand, dear readers, that you may be tired of the Bush/shoe incident by now, but until something else compels me to blog about it, please forgive me this one last post.

According to the BBC, the Iraqi shoe-thrower may have already been beaten while in custody. Which is obviously a victory, because under Saddam the beatings might take days to start.

We know what the thrower, Muntadar al-Zaidi, was thinking, because he yelled it at the time: "This is a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, dog."

But what was Bush thinking during the attack? After seeing enough David Letterman's Great Moments in Presidential Speeches I'm pretty sure Bush's thinking process may have gone something like this (one thought at a time, in order):



"Okay, anybody who would like a last chance to thank me for all I've done for your country may do so now."

"Here's a fine Iraqi standing up to thank me. I know he's Iraqi because of his dark skin. That's in my briefing book. Or the briefing book of my briefing book."

"Is that a shoe in your hand? Guess you're not big on wrapping paper. Or bubble wrap. I like bubble wrap. Like to hear 'em pop. I'll do several at a time."

"Whoa, express delivery. But I thought you didn't celebrate Christmas. Thought you did your Rama...Ramada...Inn or something. Anyway, I'll have Laura write you a thank you note."

"Incoming! That's what they said in 'nam. In "Platoon," anyway. I like movies. What's wrong with movies? Nothing wrong with movies. Good movies. Strong movies."

"I should lower my body so that shoe doesn't hit me in the face. Hey, are those loafer Maliki's wearing? Seem comfortable, but a little fruity."

"That guy just threw a shoe at me. Good thing he doesn't have another one."

"Oh my god, it was a shoe -- they come in two's. I know that. That means he's got another one! Note to self, need some new runnin' sneakers. Good sneakers. Strong sneakers."

"How many "Airplane" movies were there again? Two, or three? I think "Airplane II" was my favorite. Was Kareem in that one? Wonder if he's a Muslism. Is that the same thing as an Islamic?"

"Okay, now he's just throwing wild. Clearly high. But I sort of like this game. Good for my cardio. Hard to get good cardio."

"Where's everybody going? Is the Thank You Party over? They said I'd get to make a speech. Hey you guys there's a fight over there. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I'm hungry. Who's this guy beside me. Oh yeah, Maliki. I know him. We're going now? Am I flying in the plane. I like planes."

COYBOYS OFFER O.J. SIMPSON TWO YEAR DEAL

Irving,TX -- The Dallas Cowboys have confirmed that the team has offered embattled ex-running back O.J. Simpson a two year contract worth 600 packs of cigarettes and an extra dessert every Thursday. The move is hinging on whether or not Simpson is placed into a work release program by the Florida Correctional Authority. http://nfl.fanhouse.com/2008/12/10/o-j-simpson-boosting-pre-prison-goodwill-through-black-market/

"This move makes sense for us on many fronts," said team owner Jerry Jones. "For one, it gives us the depth we need at running back. Not many teams have a Hall of Famer at the backup position, and two, with Pacman Jones out the rest of the season, we need a convict on the field. The Dallas Cowboys have a proud tradition of giving athletes a fifth chance, whether it be Nate Newton, Tank Johnson, Michael Irvin, Bullet Bob Hayes, and of course Pacman. I didn't mention Bin Laden because technically he never accepted our offer but we're America's team and what's more American than lending a helping hand?"

Jones denied that the move was more about giving his struggling team a boost and less to do with rehabilitating a troubled man although he did concede the move does have a strategic upside. "It's all about helping this wayward individual, who has already been falsely accused of murder,mind you, get back on its feet. And Lets face it, no one wants to tackle a guy who probably has an ice pick in his back pocket, not even the Giants, who definitely know a thing or two about a perp walk."

This is the second time that an NFL team has offered a contract to an imprisoned pro bowler this season. Following a week 6 injury to quarterback Derek Anderson, the Cleveland Browns brought in ex Falcons star Michael Vick only to see the move backfire due to an undisclosed incident that occurred in the south end zone of Cleveland Stadium where the Browns have their famous Dog Pound.

If the move is approved, Simpson will be forced to play with an ankle bracelet that will monitor his whereabouts at all times. "While it's true that we won't be able to disguise him well in formations, O.J. has never been one to avoid the spotlight anyway. This is a good move for us. " http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=dw-ojsimpson120308&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

IRAQI THROWS SHOES AT BUSH DURING PRESS CONFERENCE

Whether you thought it was funny or frightening when an Iraqi journalist tossed a pair of shoes at the President, the incident has definitely inspired some online creativity. Below, check out a series of mock-ups of President Bush's close encounter with a Size 10.
Kudos to Bush for good reflexes and for bouncing back up with his trademark smirk.

The original shoe:

A volleyball:

Saddam's head:

And, of course, pie:

THOUGHT PROCESS FLOWCHART: ROD BLAGOJEVICH

And he would'a gotten away with it too
if it wasn't for...well, no he wouldn't have.

As the political career of Gov Blago comes crashing to the ground in an explosion of profanity and Pantene Pro-V Conditioner for Full and Thick Hair, we can only sift through the debris to figure out just what caused him to be so brazenly corrupt. Listening to the tapes you almost think he's actually daring the Feds to capture him. One can only wonder, what the hell was this guy thinking...

JOE THE PLUMBER SELLS OUT JOHN McCAIN

Joe the Plumber, remember this douche? Which presidential candidate was it that he supported? Barack Obama, right, like everybody else in America? Oh no wait he campaigned for John McCain, for several crucial weeks at the end of the campaign, and very much enjoyed calling Obama a socialist while singing the praises of the capitalist military hero John McCain.

Now that John McCain can’t help Joe the Plunger get any more endorsements or free live pigs to fuck, we learn the truth:

Joe Wurzelbacher lashed out last week at former GOP presidential nominee John McCain, the man who made Wurzelbacher famous as “Joe the Plumber.”

Wurzelbacher told conservative radio host Glenn Beck that he felt “dirty” after “being on the campaign trail and seeing some of the things that take place.”

http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/19055/

[...] Asked why he didn’t leave McCain’s campaign if he was “appalled” by the candidate, Wurzelbacher said, “honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more.”

It’s so hard, you know? Writing about this Plunger jackass only feeds his sad addiction, and yet how can you not, because he is so awful, the end.

WHO'S THE WORST GOVERNOR OF 2008 - BLAGO OR SPITZER?

What the hell's going on with our country's Governors? Back in March it seemed pretty certain that Eliot Spitzer had the Worst Governor of the Year award locked down. Then along comes Rod Blagoggojevovovich and his belief that someone should pay him $500 every time he takes a crap. Who knew that the worst governor of the year award would be a horse-race? Let's break it down and see who really sucked the most as Governor in 2008:

1. Blago didn't just try and sell the Senate seat. He's being charged for "historical allegations" for selling seats on state boards and commissions, and state contracts. Spitzer just banged whores.

2. Not only did Blago discuss his crimes on phones he knew could be tapped, he talked about the long-term goals he hoped to achieve via his crimes, in one call saying he'd like to earn between $250K and $300K per year from criminal activity. This was a criminal with hopes and dreams for his life of crime. Spitzer just banged whores.

3. Not only was Blago taking kickbacks, he was being hasty about it. He kept a list of people to shake down for campaign contributions in a hurry before a new law took effect that would make those contributions illegal. Spitzer was far more patient, waiting several hours for his favorite whore to travel across state lines via an Amtrak Acela.

4. According to the press release, Blago actually weighed whether it would be better for him to be "indicted as a sitting Senator as opposed to a sitting governor." Spitzer never considered where he'd most like to be indicted. Too busy banging whores, we guess.

5. Spitzer would never have jeopardized his state's Senate representation for financial gain. Maybe he would have done it if it let him bang more whores, but never for financial gain.

6. Blago once suggested he sell the Senate seat in a "three-way deal" involving the labor coalition Change To Win. If Spitzer ever talked about a "three-way deal," he wasn't talking about labor coalitions (high five!).

7. Blago called Obama a "motherfucker" and said "fuck him" for Obama's suggestion that he appoint a Senator who wouldn't guarantee Blago a huge personal windfall. Spitzer to our knowledge never said nasty things about Obama, unless he and a whore happened to be engaged in some role-play, but that doesn't count.

Based on the above analysis, we think it's pretty obvious. The winner for Worst Governor of 2008 is...
Sarah Palin!
(oh come on you knew we were gonna do that!)

Congratulations Sarah, no matter how sucky they might be, you'll always be suckier!

THE PRESIDENT-ALMOST'S WEEKLY ADDRESS (SIX DAYS LATE, SORRY...I HAVEN'T BEEN AT THE TOP OF MY GAME)

BLAGOJEVICH OFFERS SENATE SEAT TO ARRESTING OFFICER

In what is being called one of the most daring escape attempts in the history of law enforcement, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich today offered the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama to the FBI agent who took him into Federal custody this morning.

According to U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, the astonishing escape attempt occurred moments after Mr. Blagojevich was handcuffed by the agent, who was wearing a wire and captured the entire expletive-laden offer on tape.

"'You can be the [bleeping] junior Senator from [bleeping] Illinois if you let me out of these [bleeping] handcuffs,'" Mr. Fitzgerald read from a transcript. "'And if that mother-[bleeper] Barack Obama tries to [bleep] with me, I'll [bleep] him up.'"

According to Mr. Fitzgerald, "When I say 'bleep,' he didn't really say 'bleep' on the tape," adding, "I'm going to keep making that joke until one of you [bleepers] laughs at it."

Gov. Blagojevich has been charged with a laundry list of Federal crimes, including stealing his haircut from the dad on "The Brady Bunch."

CAROLINE TO USHER IN NEW ERA OF SOBER KENNEDYS

Private citizen Caroline Kennedy has placed herself in the running for Hillary Clinton's senate seat. As Clinton leaves to run the State Department, New York Gov. David Patterson is tasked to appoint her replacement. Whoever he picks will have to run again in 2010. President-elect Obama refused to comment, except to say that Kennedy has become "one of my dearest friends." Which is code for "Madam Senator Caroline Kennedy."

We think it's a great idea.