“Please Stop Talking About the Fiscal Cliff”

TOLEDO - An Ohio man’s fascination with the so-called “fiscal cliff”—and his steadfast refusal to talk about anything else—has alienated everyone close to him, former friends of the man say.

Harland Dorrinson, a forty-one-year-old carpet-tile salesman and self-described “fiscal-cliff nut” has turned himself into a pariah with his inexplicable interest in the most tedious conversation topic ever.

“We were all like, ‘Harland, every time you talk about this, people start to lose consciousness,’” says Carol Foyler, a former friend who has cut ties with Mr. Dorrinson over his fiscal-cliff obsession.

“I don’t know what effect the fiscal cliff will have in January, but if you’re stuck in a conversation with Harland the effect is you want to drown yourself.”

For his part, Mr. Dorrinson says that his ex-friends who have shown no interest in the fiscal cliff “are a bunch of losers who don’t know what they’re missing.”

“I guess there are people out there who aren’t interested in whether capital-gains taxes and marginal rates will rise, or which Republicans have backed away from Grover Norquist’s anti-tax pledge,” he says. “But seriously, would you want to be friends with someone like that? Or, for that matter, married to one?”

If Mr. Dorrinson has a regret, it is that the fiscal-cliff issue will be resolved one way or the other by the end of the year: “I know I’m going to experience a profound feeling of loss when it’s gone. There hasn’t been anything this fascinating since the debt-ceiling debate.”


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Nation Spends $2.5 Billion on Nothing

Two weeks after the costliest Presidential election in U.S. history, Americans are coming to the ugly realization that the nation has spent $2.5 billion with absolutely nothing to show for it. 

“Four years ago, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States, and that is still the case,” says Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. “The only difference is that we as a nation are out $2.5 billion.”

Mr. Logsdon claims that America’s system of egregious political spending “has made us the laughingstock of the world,” arguing, “Even Greece would know better than to blow through money like that.”

But “not so fast,” says Tracy Klugian, President of the Negative Advertising Association of America, which represents the nation’s leading producers of political attack ads.

“When people complain about how expensive these political campaigns are, they’re forgetting about the millions of Americans who are employed making negative ads,” he says. “Say what you will about lies, vitriol and character assassination, they’re job creators.”

In fact, Mr. Klugian says, America’s costly and interminable campaigns are the nation’s most reliable source of employment: “They gave a completely unskilled person like Mitt Romney a steady job for eight years.”

Acknowledging that the $2.5 billion spent this year was a “tidy sum,” Mr. Klugian says, “If we took all the money we spend on political ads and used it to educate our children and feed the poor, we wouldn’t be America.”


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How to Tell if You’re Involved in the Petraeus Scandal

In response to a high volume of panicked phone calls from the general public, the C.I.A. has published a new informational brochure entitled “How to Tell if You’re Involved in the Petraeus Scandal.”

The C.I.A. rushed to produce the brochure after it became clear that as many as one in three Americans may have some involvement in the Petraeus affair.

And with the scandal widening every day, “a lot of average folks out there are worried that they might somehow be involved in it without knowing,” says Carol Foyler, director of the C.I.A.’s public-information office. “This booklet should clear up a lot misunderstandings.”

The booklet includes a “simple, user-friendly checklist” that should help people determine whether they are at risk for being implicated in the scandal, she says.

“Have you ever met David Petraeus? Have you ever received and/or sent shirtless photos of an F.B.I. agent? Have you ever exchanged e-mails with Jill Kelley? Under five thousand pages of e-mails and you’re probably O.K., but anywhere between ten thousand and fifteen thousand pages of e-mails could potentially mean you’re involved in some way,” she says.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said today that he expected the Petraeus scandal to wind down by early 2015 but would not commit to an official timetable.

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Petraeus Started Affair Last Year to Cover Up Benghazi, Says Conspiracy Theorist

The scandal involving former C.I.A. director David Petraeus took a startling twist today, as a leading right-wing conspiracy theorist claimed that Gen. Petraeus initiated his affair with author Paula Broadwell last year to avoid testifying about Benghazi this week.


“Petraeus is a master of strategy, capable of playing several chess moves ahead,” said Harland Dorrinson, who has a website. “Clearly, he knew it would be handy to be embroiled in an extra-marital affair if the situation in Benghazi someday went south and he was forced to testify about it.”

By destroying his career, reputation, and possibly his personal life, Mr. Dorrinson said, “General Petraeus achieved exactly what he set out to do: skip testifying about Benghazi. All I can say is, mission accomplished, General. Pretty smooth.”

Even though “the reason Petraeus started his affair is obvious to anyone with a brain in his head,” Mr. Dorrinson says, he does not expect the mainstream media to investigate his theory any time soon: “The only person I’ve been able to get interested in this is Karl Rove.”

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Boehner’s 48 Hours of Pretending to Work with Obama Sets New Record

House Speaker John Boehner today called for an extension of the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich, thus ending a streak of pretending to work with President Obama that lasted forty-eight hours.

“We knew he couldn’t hold out much longer,” said Carol Foyler of Guinness World Records.
“Still, John Boehner pretending to be bipartisan for forty-eight hours is pretty darn impressive,” she said, noting that his previous record stood at twenty minutes. “This is David Blaine territory for him.”

Speaking to reporters, Mr. Boehner downplayed the significance of his record-setting performance, saying merely, “It just feels good being a dick again.”


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Republicans Consider Welcoming People Who Believe in Math and Science

Opting for a bold 'big tent' strategy to rebuild the party, Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, told reporters today, “We need to welcome people who believe in different things than we do, like math and science.”

After disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become “more tolerant of those with a math-and-science lifestyle.”

“Just because we don’t believe in those things doesn’t mean we can’t get along with people who do,” he said. “We want to send this message: math and science Americans are Americans, too.”

In the biggest departure from its previous electoral strategy, Mr. Priebus said, the Republican Party is “even considering trying to appeal to women.”

“I read recently that women are as much as fifty-one per cent of the population,” he said. “That number sounded crazy high to me, but maybe one of our new math Republicans can check on it for us.”


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