Al Qaeda Disbands; Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy Now in Congress’s Hands

The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that "our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress."

In an official statement published on the group's website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress's conduct during the so-called 'fiscal-cliff' showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.

"We’ve been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy," said the statement from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. "But even we couldn’t come up with something like this."

Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year "is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain."

"As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game," he said. "This is one of those times."

The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, "We have made many scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrifying as Mitch McConnell."

As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would become "more of a social network," offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.

In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave the film 'Zero Dark Thirty' two thumbs down.



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Greece Offers to Repay Bailout with Giant Horse

 

In what many are hailing as a breakthrough solution to Greece’s crippling debt crisis, Greece today offered to repay a bailout from the European Union nations by giving them a gigantic horse.

Finance ministers from sixteen E.U. nations awoke in Brussels this morning to find that a huge wooden horse had been wheeled into the city center overnight.

The horse, measuring several stories in height, drew mixed responses from the finance ministers, many of whom said they would have preferred a cash repayment of the E.U.'s bailout.

But German Chancellor Angela Merkel said she "welcomed the beautiful wooden horse," adding, "What harm could it possibly do?"


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Time Magazine Names Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912

 

In an extraordinary gesture of recognition for a losing Presidential nominee, Time magazine today named former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912.

In a press release explaining its decision, Time's editorial board wrote, "Even though his quest for the Presidency was unsuccessful, Mr. Romney's ideas about foreign policy, taxation, wealth inequality, and women's rights typified the year 1912 as no one else has."

In giving Mr. Romney the nod, Time said that he beat out such other candidates for Man of the Year 1912 as Tsar Nicholas II of Russia, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, and Edward Smith, captain of the Titanic.
 
"It was very close between Romney and the Titanic guy, but we gave it to Romney because it took him slightly longer to sink," Time wrote.

Mr. Romney could not be reached for comment, a spokesman said, because he was traveling around the world visiting his money.


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Some Serious Words for Thought

 

As with guns, some auto deaths are caused by people who break laws or behave irresponsibly. 

But we don’t shrug and say, "Cars don’t kill people, drunks do."

  Instead, we have required seat belts, air bags, child seats and crash safety standards. 

 We have introduced limited licenses for young drivers and tried to curb the use of mobile phones while driving. 

All this has reduced America's traffic fatality rate per mile driven by nearly 90 percent since the 1950s. 

Some of you are alive today because of those auto safety regulations. 

And if we don’t treat guns in the same serious way, some of you and some of your children will die because of our failure.

 

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NEWTOWN, CT 12-14-12 YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

You want to know why. 

This may sound cynical, but here's why:

It's because of the way the media reports it.

Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single victim of Columbine?

Disturbed people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he'll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody.

CNN said that this ranks as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they posted a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News plastered the killer's face on all their reports for hours.

How many articles or news stories have there been that focus on the victims and ignore the killer's identity? Not many I've seen, other than the pic I found and posted for today's blog.

Why? Because they don't sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you've just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next.

You can help by forgetting you ever read this man's name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. Just pick from the names I've posted above.  You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news.

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Race for White House Wide Open After Hillary Leaves Office in 2024

WASHINGTON - The race for the White House will most likely be “wide open” after Hillary Clinton serves her two terms as President, experts agree. 

“What happens in 2024 is anyone’s guess—and if anyone tells you differently, they’re lying,” says political science professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. “The only thing we can say with any certainty is that Hillary Clinton will be elected President by a landslide in 2016 and reëlected by an even bigger margin in 2020.”

Mr. Logsdon says that possible Republican Presidential candidates in 2024 could include Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, with this caveat: “If any of those men have the misfortune of running against Hillary in 2016 or 2020, she will defeat them so soundly that their political careers will be finished and they will vanish from public life forever.”

As for the future of the Democratic Party after Hillary’s two terms are over, Mr. Logsdon offers this prediction: “I can tell you right now that Hillary’s Presidency will be so successful that she will usher in a Democratic dynasty of sorts. I’m not a betting man, but if I had to guess, I’d say that after eight years of Hillary there will be eight years of Michelle, then eight years each for Chelsea, Sasha, and Malia.”

But “not so fast,” says Democratic strategist Tracy Klugian, who believes such predictions sell Hillary short: “Assuming her current poll numbers hold up in 2024, I think it’s safe to say that Hillary Clinton will be the most popular President in U.S. history. In that event, the Twenty-second Amendment, which limits the President to two terms, will be repealed and Hillary will run again.”

Mr. Logsdon, however, scoffs at that scenario: “If the Twenty-second Amendment is repealed, Bill will run again.”


http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2012/12/the-democratic-partys-future-now-depends-on-hillary-clinton/266200/


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Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians

WASHINGTON - Introducing a new wrinkle into the already fraught fiscal cliff showdown, a consortium of billionaires today warned that if their taxes are raised they will no longer have enough money to buy politicians.

The group, led by casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson, commissioned a new study showing that the cost of an average politician has soared exponentially over the past decade.

While the American family has seen increases in the cost of food, health care and education, Mr. Adelson says, “those costs don’t compare with the cost of buying a politician, which has gone through the roof.”

The casino billionaire points to his group’s study, which puts the cost of purchasing an average House member at two million dollars and an average senator at several times that.

“And let’s say you buy a senator like Jim DeMint and he decides to quit,” Mr. Adelson says. “Good luck trying to get your money back.”

The Vegas magnate complains that the media has ignored billionaires’ essential role in giving jobs to politicians who would otherwise have difficulty finding “honest work of any kind.”

“Billionaires are providing employment for a group of seriously incompetent and marginal people,” Mr. Adelson says. “You raise taxes on us, and who’s going to create those jobs? I really don’t think people have thought this through.”

Adding insult to injury for America’s billionaires, he says, “the simple dream of someday owning a President is slipping out of reach.”

“People think a billion dollars buys you a President, but they’re wrong,” he says. “It barely gets you a lemon like Mitt Romney.”


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North Korea Launches Fragrance

 

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un surprised Korea-watchers today by abruptly cancelling his nation’s controversial rocket test and launching a fragrance instead.

The dictator’s signature fragrance, called “Number Un,” could be on store shelves in time for Christmas, according to the Korean Central News Agency.

The decision to launch a fragrance rather than a rocket “shows a kind of realism that has been rare in the Kim family,” said North Korea expert Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke, of the University of Tokyo.

“I think Kim Jong-un most likely said to himself, ‘Given how badly my last rocket did, maybe I’ll just launch a fragrance,’ ”Kyosuke said.

The official North Korean announcement offered this description of the new fragrance: “Number Un deliriously combines the sweet smells of North Korea’s native unicorns with the irresistible aroma of our Dear Leader himself. This holiday season, every kiss begins with Kim Jong-un.”

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Boehner: Obama Needs to Stop Acting Like He Won Election

WASHINGTON - Tensions over the so-called fiscal cliff reached a boiling point today as House Speaker John Boehner accused President Obama of acting like he won the November election.

“Our message is clear: Mr. President, we are ready to negotiate with you,” Mr. Boehner told reporters. “But this nonsense of acting like you won the election has got to stop.”

Lashing out at Mr. Obama’s “delusional arrogance,” Mr. Boehner added, “I don’t know what planet he thinks he won an election on, but this whole ‘the American people elected me’ act is getting a little old.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell echoed Mr. Boehner’s sentiments, stating, “The President’s budget proposal sounds like the ravings of a man who thinks he won fifty-one per cent of the popular vote and three hundred and thirty-two electoral votes. When he decides it’s finally time to return to Realityville, he knows where to find us.”

Sen. McConnell denied earlier reports that he “burst out laughing” when he heard Mr. Obama’s latest budget proposal, telling reporters, “Actually, it would be more accurate to say I peed myself.”

“That business about raising taxes on the rich was—pardon my French—freaking hilarious,” Sen. McConnell said. “I’m glad that losing the election hasn’t made the President lose his sense of humor.”


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“Please Stop Talking About the Fiscal Cliff”

TOLEDO - An Ohio man’s fascination with the so-called “fiscal cliff”—and his steadfast refusal to talk about anything else—has alienated everyone close to him, former friends of the man say.

Harland Dorrinson, a forty-one-year-old carpet-tile salesman and self-described “fiscal-cliff nut” has turned himself into a pariah with his inexplicable interest in the most tedious conversation topic ever.

“We were all like, ‘Harland, every time you talk about this, people start to lose consciousness,’” says Carol Foyler, a former friend who has cut ties with Mr. Dorrinson over his fiscal-cliff obsession.

“I don’t know what effect the fiscal cliff will have in January, but if you’re stuck in a conversation with Harland the effect is you want to drown yourself.”

For his part, Mr. Dorrinson says that his ex-friends who have shown no interest in the fiscal cliff “are a bunch of losers who don’t know what they’re missing.”

“I guess there are people out there who aren’t interested in whether capital-gains taxes and marginal rates will rise, or which Republicans have backed away from Grover Norquist’s anti-tax pledge,” he says. “But seriously, would you want to be friends with someone like that? Or, for that matter, married to one?”

If Mr. Dorrinson has a regret, it is that the fiscal-cliff issue will be resolved one way or the other by the end of the year: “I know I’m going to experience a profound feeling of loss when it’s gone. There hasn’t been anything this fascinating since the debt-ceiling debate.”


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Nation Spends $2.5 Billion on Nothing

Two weeks after the costliest Presidential election in U.S. history, Americans are coming to the ugly realization that the nation has spent $2.5 billion with absolutely nothing to show for it. 

“Four years ago, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States, and that is still the case,” says Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. “The only difference is that we as a nation are out $2.5 billion.”

Mr. Logsdon claims that America’s system of egregious political spending “has made us the laughingstock of the world,” arguing, “Even Greece would know better than to blow through money like that.”

But “not so fast,” says Tracy Klugian, President of the Negative Advertising Association of America, which represents the nation’s leading producers of political attack ads.

“When people complain about how expensive these political campaigns are, they’re forgetting about the millions of Americans who are employed making negative ads,” he says. “Say what you will about lies, vitriol and character assassination, they’re job creators.”

In fact, Mr. Klugian says, America’s costly and interminable campaigns are the nation’s most reliable source of employment: “They gave a completely unskilled person like Mitt Romney a steady job for eight years.”

Acknowledging that the $2.5 billion spent this year was a “tidy sum,” Mr. Klugian says, “If we took all the money we spend on political ads and used it to educate our children and feed the poor, we wouldn’t be America.”


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How to Tell if You’re Involved in the Petraeus Scandal

In response to a high volume of panicked phone calls from the general public, the C.I.A. has published a new informational brochure entitled “How to Tell if You’re Involved in the Petraeus Scandal.”

The C.I.A. rushed to produce the brochure after it became clear that as many as one in three Americans may have some involvement in the Petraeus affair.

And with the scandal widening every day, “a lot of average folks out there are worried that they might somehow be involved in it without knowing,” says Carol Foyler, director of the C.I.A.’s public-information office. “This booklet should clear up a lot misunderstandings.”

The booklet includes a “simple, user-friendly checklist” that should help people determine whether they are at risk for being implicated in the scandal, she says.

“Have you ever met David Petraeus? Have you ever received and/or sent shirtless photos of an F.B.I. agent? Have you ever exchanged e-mails with Jill Kelley? Under five thousand pages of e-mails and you’re probably O.K., but anywhere between ten thousand and fifteen thousand pages of e-mails could potentially mean you’re involved in some way,” she says.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said today that he expected the Petraeus scandal to wind down by early 2015 but would not commit to an official timetable.

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Petraeus Started Affair Last Year to Cover Up Benghazi, Says Conspiracy Theorist

The scandal involving former C.I.A. director David Petraeus took a startling twist today, as a leading right-wing conspiracy theorist claimed that Gen. Petraeus initiated his affair with author Paula Broadwell last year to avoid testifying about Benghazi this week.


“Petraeus is a master of strategy, capable of playing several chess moves ahead,” said Harland Dorrinson, who has a website. “Clearly, he knew it would be handy to be embroiled in an extra-marital affair if the situation in Benghazi someday went south and he was forced to testify about it.”

By destroying his career, reputation, and possibly his personal life, Mr. Dorrinson said, “General Petraeus achieved exactly what he set out to do: skip testifying about Benghazi. All I can say is, mission accomplished, General. Pretty smooth.”

Even though “the reason Petraeus started his affair is obvious to anyone with a brain in his head,” Mr. Dorrinson says, he does not expect the mainstream media to investigate his theory any time soon: “The only person I’ve been able to get interested in this is Karl Rove.”

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Boehner’s 48 Hours of Pretending to Work with Obama Sets New Record

House Speaker John Boehner today called for an extension of the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich, thus ending a streak of pretending to work with President Obama that lasted forty-eight hours.

“We knew he couldn’t hold out much longer,” said Carol Foyler of Guinness World Records.
“Still, John Boehner pretending to be bipartisan for forty-eight hours is pretty darn impressive,” she said, noting that his previous record stood at twenty minutes. “This is David Blaine territory for him.”

Speaking to reporters, Mr. Boehner downplayed the significance of his record-setting performance, saying merely, “It just feels good being a dick again.”


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Republicans Consider Welcoming People Who Believe in Math and Science

Opting for a bold 'big tent' strategy to rebuild the party, Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, told reporters today, “We need to welcome people who believe in different things than we do, like math and science.”

After disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become “more tolerant of those with a math-and-science lifestyle.”

“Just because we don’t believe in those things doesn’t mean we can’t get along with people who do,” he said. “We want to send this message: math and science Americans are Americans, too.”

In the biggest departure from its previous electoral strategy, Mr. Priebus said, the Republican Party is “even considering trying to appeal to women.”

“I read recently that women are as much as fifty-one per cent of the population,” he said. “That number sounded crazy high to me, but maybe one of our new math Republicans can check on it for us.”


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CANADA TIGHTENS BORDER

Ottawa - Canada announced today that it was tightening security along its border with the United States amid concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after Tuesday, November 6th.

According to Randolph McTavish, Deputy Commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, border patrols are on alert due to an “increase in chatter” indicating that a threat to Canada’s border might be imminent.

“We’ve been intercepting troubling comments from some very freaked-out people,” he said. “Most of it has been on NPR call-in shows.”

Stating that the R.C.M.P. is patrolling every kilometer of the Canadian border, he issued this warning to Americans who might try to cross into Canada illegally: “If you drive a Prius, you will be stopped.”

He also warned Americans against trying to slip across the border in the hopes of passing as Canadians: “It is very difficult, if not impossible, to pretend to like hockey.”

Mr. McTavish said that he was sympathetic with those who might flee across the border in search of a new life and socialized medicine, but added, “At the end of the day, forty-seven per cent of Americans is more than Canada can handle.”


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Paul Ryan Wondering If He Should Have Told Romney About This Guy He's Dating

DES MOINES, IA - After appearing at his first solo campaign event since becoming the presumptive Republican nominee for vice president, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) reportedly began wondering if he ought to have told running mate Mitt Romney about the man he’s been dating recently. 

"I guess I probably should have mentioned Elliot when Mitt and his staff talked to me last Friday," Ryan said to himself Monday, adding that it had only been a couple months since he and his boyfriend started dating exclusively and that the pair were still "in the fun, early phase" of the relationship.

"I mean, we're not super serious at this point. We see each other a few times a week at most. I'm not ruling out something more meaningful down the road, but right now it's really not a big deal." 

According to sources, despite his initial concern, Ryan relaxed after deciding that Romney would "absolutely love Elliot" when the two met at the Republican National Convention later this month.

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Jenna Jameson Clarifies Her Endorsement of Romney

Concerned that her endorsement of former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney for President would lead to "cheap, easy jokes and innuendo," porn star Jenna Jameson held a press conference today to explain her headline-making decision.

When asked what initially appealed to her about Mr. Romney, Ms. Jameson said, "He’s the only person who's assumed more positions than I have."

The actress said that she researched Mr. Romney's career thoroughly, and was particularly impressed by his tenure at Bain Capital: "There’s nothing more American, I think, than screwing people you don't know for money."

While Mr. Romney's recent foreign trip drew jeers from his critics, Ms. Jameson hailed his performance: "I respect someone who opens their mouth without thinking."

The actress, who appeared as the character Holly So Tightly in the film 'Dirt Merchant', seemed unconcerned by the controversy swirling about Mr. Romney's bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans: "I've put my assets in plenty of foreign places."

Ms. Jameson concluded her presser by reiterating her fulsome support of the G.O.P. candidate: "Mitt Romney will do to all of America what I have already done to half of America."


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Chick-fil-A Introduces New Hate Sauce

NEW YORK - Customers across the nation who turned out for Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day were in for a surprise, as the chicken restaurant chose today to launch a new product, Hate Sauce.

Delighted customers mobbed the restaurants to try the zesty new sauce, with many chicken fanciers ordering their sandwiches with extra hate. "It’s so spicy it makes your mouth feel like it’s on fire—like a gay couple in hell," said Harland Dorrinson, who sampled the sauce at a Chick-fil-A in Orlando.

But even as Chick-fil-A prepared to call its new hate sauce an instant hit, it faced a challenge from an upstart rival, Wing-n-nuts.

The rival chain, based in Falls Church, Virginia, chose today to introduce a new product targeting Chick-fil-A patrons, the Chicken Bacon Bigotwich.

"We think we're going to take a big bite out of Chick-fil-A's customer base," said Wing-n-nuts corporate spokesperson Carol Foyler. "Their founder is anti-gay. But ours is anti-gay, anti-immigrant, and anti-woman. When word gets out about that, there'll be lines around the block."


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A Message from NBC About Its Olympics Coverage

LONDON - Today NBC Sports issued the following message to viewers of its prime-time coverage of the 2012 Olympic Games in London:



Dear NBC Viewers:

Last night, millions of you were thrilled to see the U.S.A.'s Missy Franklin win the gold medal in the hundred-metre backstroke race.That is, you would have been thrilled, except that just before the race we showed promos of Missy Franklin appearing on the Today show with the gold medal she won for the hundred-metre backstroke race.

If you’ve been watching NBC in prime time the past few nights, you’ve probably noticed how, night in, night out, we’ve been wrecking the Olympics for you. All we can say is, our bad. At NBC we’re just not used to broadcasting things that people want to watch.

But all that's about to change.

Tonight, for those of you who like watching the Olympics without having every moment drained of its entertainment value, we are launching a new premium service called NBCFree: the Olympics without any contributions from NBC whatsoever.

For only $29.95 you can watch the Olympics with no spoilers, no maudlin 'personal narratives', and no promos for NBC's new fall shows like that egregious one with the doctor and the monkey we show like every five minutes. And for $39.95, no Ryan Seacrest.

So contact your cable or satellite provider and order NBCFree today. And if you don't? Well, all we can say is, we already know what other medals Missy has won, and we're not afraid to tell you.

Sincerely, NBC .


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Romney’s Gaffes Worsen in Israel

TEL AVIV - The Mitt Romney Gaffe Express pulled into a new station today, leaving its conductor's hopes of proving himself to be a nimble statesman in tatters.

Mr. Romney's troubles began in a meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, to whom he presented gifts of a HoneyBaked ham and a wheel of cheddar cheese.


After Mr. Netanyahu ordered both gifts removed from his residence and destroyed, Mr. Romney went on to address the Knesset, where he congratulated the Jewish people on building the pyramids.

"Ann and I saw them during a cruise we took to the Middle East, and they were magnificent," he told the stunned legislators. "As accomplishments go, building the pyramids isn't up there with saving the Olympics, but you should still feel very, very proud. Nice job."

Sensing that his remarks were not going over as well as intended, Mr. Romney improvised: "No, really. Incredible building job you did. If any of you would like to work on our house in La Jolla, just say the word. Only thing is, you'll have to work Saturdays."

Mr. Romney's day concluded with an awkward moment at the West Bank, where he attempted to deposit ten million dollars.


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Mitt Romney’s Olympic Trouble

London - Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's gaffe marathon at the 2012 Olympics in London continued unabated today.


Mr. Romney's day got off to a bad start when he told a reporter for the Sunday Times, "I don't mind that the British keep calling me a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a 'W'?"


Any hope that the former Massachusetts governor would recover from such missteps was shattered after the Olympics' Opening Ceremony, when he blasted former Beatle Paul McCartney for not being prepared to sing 'Hey Jude'.


"He did not seem ready to sing that song, which was certainly disconcerting," Romney said. "Maybe he should have gone with a song that he had done before."


The Republican candidate’s visit did little to win over the British people, as a poll showed that a majority of Britons wanted the Opening Ceremony to conclude with the Olympic torch lighting Mr. Romney's head ablaze.


Alfie Langlan, owner of the popular Earl's Boot pub in Central London, summed up Mr. Romney's performance this way: "Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen."


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Bachmann Claims White House Has Links to Extremist Group Called Democrats

Representative Michele Bachmann (R., Minn.) stirred controversy today by claiming that several key members of the Obama Administration had links to a shadowy extremist group called the Democratic Party.

While Representative Bachmann produced no evidence to back up her charges, she said she had proof that "members of this sinister cabal have infested the highest echelons of our government to take away our guns and replace them with gay health care."

Representative Bachmann said that the member of the Administration with the closest ties to the organization is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: "I have it on good authority that she is related to a former leader of the group."

The Minnesota Congressperson's shocking accusations drew widespread calls for her to back down, from such disparate quarters as Senator John McCain (R., Ariz.) and the National Institute of Mental Health.

"Congresswoman Bachmann's comments are baseless, irresponsible, and beneath contempt," said Senator McCain. "Having said that, I think I would have chosen her as my running mate over Mitt Romney."

Speaker of the House John Boehner said that he now regretted making Representative Bachmann a member of the Intelligence Committee, calling that decision "an example of a good-natured prank that went too far."

Despite the controversy swirling around her, however, Representative Bachmann refused to cave: "I don’t know the meaning of the word surrender. Also, science, math, apple, and cat."



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Romney Campaign Releases First Picture of V.P. Pick

Republican Presidential choice Mitt Romney shocked the political world today by releasing a picture of his choice for Vice-President - a man who, political insiders admit, was on nobody's short or long list.

The photo shows Mr. Romney's Veep pick, whose face was immediately recognizable to millions of Americans, wearing his trademark top hat and carrying what appears to be a moneybag, with currency of various denominations trailing behind him.


The Romney campaign issued scant information about the source of his running mate’s wealth, saying only that he had made his money "in real estate" and would not be releasing his tax returns.

Davis Logsdon, a political scientist who studies the history of Vice-Presidential selection at the University of Minnesota, called the choice of running mate who might be even wealthier than Mr. Romney "baffling beyond words."

"Is Mitt Romney really going to share the stage at the Republican convention in Tampa with a man clutching a bulging sack with a big dollar sign on it?" Mr. Logsdon asked. "Those are terrible optics."

Moreover, he added, Mr. Romney’s Vice-Presidential choice has political baggage that could prove problematic going forward: "We’re talking about someone who has gotten out of jail multiple times."

The Romney campaign may have released the picture to distract attention from yesterday's controversial comment by 2008 G.O.P. nominee John McCain, who said that he passed on Mr. Romney as his V.P. pick because Alaska governor Sarah Palin was a "better candidate."

Today, Senator McCain attempted to explain his remark: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better because she had never heard of Switzerland."


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5 Questions for the Higgs Boson Particle

An Exclusive Interview With The World According To ME


The Higgs boson particle has been everywhere these days – on TV, in newspapers and magazines, courtside at the NBA Finals with Kanye West.  We caught up with the Higgs boson particle as he took a breather for the 4th of July, at his home in East Hampton.




Q: First of all – and I have to ask this – 'God particle?'  Really?  Who started that?
 
A: I have gotten so much shit for that!  (laughs)  I don’t know where that started.  Probably TMZ or somewhere!  Look, if people want to call me that because they like what I do… well, I’m humbled.  It’s cool to know that what you do makes people happy.  I love my fans.  But God particle?  I don’t think so!  I can’t even figure out how to 'Share' stuff on facebook. (laughs)

Q: Speaking of what you do… what do you do, exactly? 

A: Probably what I’m best known for, for better or worse, is making atomic particles have mass.  But I don’t want to be pigeonholed as that, because I don’t want to put limits on what I plan to do in the future.  Like, right now I’m doing a lot of things that don’t involve atomic particles or mass or anything like that.  For example, my menswear line.  It’s a joint venture between me and Hugo Boss.  It’s going to be called either Higgs Boss or Hugo Boson.  Or we may go a whole different way and call it H. Biggy.  My branding team is into it right now.  I haven’t been this excited about something I’ve been involved in since I created the universe.  Also, there’s gonna be a fragrance.

Q: There’s been a lot written about tension in your relationship with Peter Higgs, one of the scientists who discovered you.  Any truth to the rumors?

A. Peter and I are both very passionate about what we do, and when you put a passionate human being and a passionate subatomic particle together there’s bound to be friction.  We fight like brothers sometimes, but it’s only because we care so deeply about what we’re doing and we want to make it perfect.  But as far as what happened in the club last week, no, I did not throw a bottle at his head.

Q: Okay, be honest, and no false modesty here: is there anything the Higgs boson can’t do?

A: Honest answer?  I want to be considered the Michael Jordan of subatomic particles.  By that I mean, Michael Jordan might not have been the most physically gifted player in the history of the NBA, but nobody worked harder at his game than he did.  That’s what I’m all about.  Whether it’s giving mass to matter, breaking electroweak symmetry or explaining the origin of the universe and whatnot, I believe I can do it all.

Q: Could you have kept Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise together?

A: Shit no! (laughs)



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Romney Blasts Supreme Court, Calling Healthcare Act ‘Worst Idea I Ever Had’

Vows to Repeal Own Law

 Washington – Just minutes after the Supreme Court upheld President Obama’s Affordable Care Act, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney slammed the Court, calling the law “the worst idea I ever had.”

“I vow to repeal this law on my first day in office,” he told a crowd at a campaign rally.

 “Until then, I will work tirelessly to make people forget that I used to totally love it.”

At the White House, President Obama greeted the news of the Court’s decision in muted fashion: “I haven’t been this pumped since I smoked bin Laden.”

Dissenters in the 5-4 decision included Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote, “The only medical procedures the government should pay for are forced transvaginal ultrasounds and exorcisms.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell also had harsh words for the healthcare law, telling reporters, “Under Obamacare, you will be forced to marry a gay doctor.”

But perhaps the most negative appraisal came from Speaker of the House John Boehner: “This is a dark day for America. If we are forced to have healthcare, it’s only a matter of time before we have education.”

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In Emergency Session, U.N. Declares Florida a Rogue State Status of Democracy ‘Fragile,’ Spokesperson Says

Calling the status of democracy in the Sunshine State “fragile at best,” the United Nations met in emergency session today to declare Florida a rogue state.

The actions by Florida Gov. Rick Scott to purge the voter rolls in his state might have inspired the vote by the U.N., but as the spokesperson for the U.N. Secretary-General said, “We’ve had problems with elections in Florida before.”

The vote means the U.N. could soon dispatch a team of observers to Florida, led by diplomats from such democracies as Egypt and Libya.

Gov. Scott’s voter purge was only the latest in a series of events “that reveal a near-total breakdown of the rule of law in Florida,” the U.N. spokesperson said.
“This is a state where people have been killed for carrying Skittles and iced tea, or had their faces eaten off by zombies high on bath salts,” he said.  “And now this thing with Rick Scott.”

In other Florida news, former Gov. Jeb Bush yesterday risked alienating his fellow Republicans by making what Fox News called “a series of dangerously sane remarks.”

In stating that the current Republican Party would not be hospitable to the likes of Ronald Reagan, Fox reported, “Jeb Bush displayed a level of sanity that makes most of his fellow Republicans extremely uncomfortable.”

Mr. Bush was said to be huddling with his advisers to come up with a statement unhinged enough to win his way back into the hearts of the Republican mainstream, perhaps by advocating legal marriage between a man and an assault rifle.

Elsewhere on the political scene, President Obama today said he “misspoke” when he said last week that the private sector of the economy was fine: “What I meant to say was that Mitt Romney is a dick.”

And after a woman was arrested for cooking meth in a Missouri Walmart, the company released the following statement: “Walmart has a strict policy against American-made products.”


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AL-QAEDA RESORTS TO LINKEDIN

Desperate Times For Terror Group's HR Dept.


President Barack Obama has created one job that is proving difficult to fill: the No. 2 post at al-Qaeda.

That’s what they’re saying at the global terror group, whose Human Resources department has recently turned to the social networking site LinkedIn in hopes of filling the slot.

“It used to be that madmen would just walk through the door hoping for a crack at seventy-two virgins,” says Hassad el-Medfaii, director of HR for al-Qaeda.  “Now we have to go looking for these guys, and they all want dental.”

Complicating the terror group’s recruitment efforts for the tricky-to-fill No. 2 position: the recent publicity about President Obama’s so-called “kill list,” which the HR director calls “a big turn-off for a lot of applicants.”

“I’ve had to sit down with them and tell them that the kill list has been totally overblown,” he says.  “No one’s talking about the list of all the people they’ve missed.  It’s way longer.”

Mr. el-Medfaii says that he has spent a lot of time on LinkedIn over the last week “trying to spread the good news about working for al-Qaeda.”

“This is a great job for anyone who likes to travel, especially back and forth between Pakistan and Afghanistan,” he says.  “Plus – and I’m really trying to get the word out about this – we have one of the biggest caches of porn in the world.”

While he says that he has found some “promising candidates” on LinkedIn for the No. 2 position at al-Qaeda, he and his staff are taking extra care in vetting resumes.


“We don’t want to find ourselves in the same kind of mess Yahoo is in,” he says.




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NORTH CAROLINA WEIGHS BAN ON ELECTRICITY, SOAP

Amendment One Supporters Push New Law

NORTH CAROLINA – Flush with victory from the recent  statewide vote, supporters of North Carolina’s Amendment One today moved forward with a bold proposal to ban electricity and soap.

Cal Pinckton, a leading proponent of Amendment One who has helped craft the new law, says the principles behind it are simple: “If the Bible doesn’t mention something, it’s against the law, and the Bible makes no mention of either soap or electricity.”

He adds that North Carolina will “still have plenty of stuff that the Bible does mention, like boils and locusts.”

While some critics of the proposed law said that it could be damaging to North Carolina’s economy since it would drive away fanciers of soap and electricity, Mr. Pinckton sees it differently.

“I think we’ll see a huge boom in tourism,” he says.  “North Carolina is on its way to becoming one great big old timey theme park, like Colonial Williamsburg.”

But Mr. Pinckton is careful to emphasize that under the proposed law, there would be certain situations in which the use of electricity would be permitted: “You could still use electricity for things that are explicitly mandated by the Bible, like transvaginal ultrasounds.”


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ROMNEY PAYS SURPRISE VISIT TO HIS MONEY IN THE CAYMANS

No Timetable for Withdrawal, Says Presumptive Nominee


CAYMAN ISLANDS – In an uncharacteristically emotional scene for the presumptive GOP nominee, Mitt Romney today paid a surprise visit to his money in the Cayman Islands.

Speaking in a bank vault surrounded by stacks of cash, Mr. Romney praised his money for “the brave work you have done in the never-ending fight for freedom from Federal income tax.”
“Thanks to your hard work, losers around the world are envious of me,” he added.  ”For that I salute you.”

Stressing that his money’s mission in the Caymans was “far from over,” he refused to set any timetable for withdrawal.

In a reference to his bid for the Presidency, Mr. Romney told his money, “It would be an honor and a privilege to have my face on you someday.”

After plunging into the stacks of cash to touch many of the dollar bills individually, Mr. Romney boarded his private jet to pay a surprise visit to Switzerland.



In other political news, Newt Gingrich suspended his presidential bid today, telling reporters: “A campaign is like a wife.  When it’s on life-support, it’s time to leave.”


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POLL: MAJORITY OF REPUBLICANS GUESS THEY HAVE TO SUPPORT FUCKING ROMNEY

Lack of Other Option Cited

– In what Romney campaign insiders are hailing as a sign that the party faithful are rallying around the former Massachusetts governor, a new poll released today shows that a majority of Republican voters agree with the statement, “I guess I have to support fucking Romney.”

 

When asked why they were now ready to cast their vote for Mr. Romney, a majority of those Republicans polled “strongly agreed” with the statement: “Why do you think?  No one else is fucking running anymore.  Stop asking such stupid fucking questions.  I don’t need this shit.”

Underscoring the sense that he is now the presumptive nominee, the Romney campaign unveiled a new slogan this morning, “You Have No Other Options Anymore.  Start Dealing With It, Losers.”

After sweeping five primary states Tuesday night, Mr. Romney was exultant, telling supporters in Manchester, N.H., “I love American democracy.  I’m good friends with the owners of it.”

The wins by Mr. Romney forced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to suspend his campaign, telling reporters that he was leaving the race “to spend more time with my families.”

As for former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, he offered Mr. Romney this endorsement during an appearance on CNN: “Yeah, I guess I support him, because, well duh, I have absolutely no other choice.  Right?  I mean, really, Piers, what kind of moronic question is that?  I guess this goes to show that you can be a total douchebag and still win the nomination if you have the most dough.  I mean come on — this whole situation makes me want to throw up.  My only consolation is that on Judgment Day I’m going to Heaven, and we’ll have to see what happens to Mr. Magic Underpants.  Haha.  Yeah.  Sweet.”

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NORTH KOREA EXPELLED FROM AXIS OF EVIL Ahmadinejad Cites ‘Lack of Evil’

PYONGYANG – Just hours after an embarrassing launch of a rocket that crashed to the ground in a little over a minute, North Korea suffered another blow to its prestige as it was expelled from the Axis of Evil.

The decision was announced by the presiding Chairman of the Axis of Evil, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who cited as the reason for the expulsion North Korea’s evident “lack of evil.”

“There are a lot of evil countries out there, Iran for one, who are trying to terrify the world by developing nuclear weapons,” he said. “When North Korea launches a so-called ‘rocket’ and it goes about twenty feet before blowing up, that just makes it harder for the rest of us.”

A spokesman for the erstwhile evil nation objected strongly to Mr. Ahmadinejad’s statement, saying it was “totally unfair to judge how evil a country is based on one crappy rocket.”

For a rogue nation that prides itself on threatening the world community, membership in the Axis of Evil is considered essential, which makes North Korea’s expulsion from the group a particularly damaging setback.

“The rocket thing is hurting our credibility, evil-wise, no question about it,” one aide to North Korean President Kim Jong-un said today. “This afternoon we tried to threaten Japan and it went straight to voicemail.”

In a possible sign of newly reduced ambitions, North Korea today hurled a roll of toilet paper over the border at South Korea.

Mr. Ahmadinejad offered no comment about the latest incident on the Korean Peninsula, other than to say, “Really, the whole thing is kind of sad.”


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RANT

Sick of paying taxes? Then stop using firefighters, libraries, schools, the judiciary system, allowing the police and the military to protect you and your country, stop eating meat, cheese, eggs, milk, or produce, driving safe cars on paved roads with traffic lights, walking on sidewalks, using public transportation, visiting museums, national parks, zoos, monuments, public playgrounds, parks, calling 911, flying in airplanes, riding on trains, drinking safe water, bathing, expecting a gallon of gas to actually be a gallon, using Medicare, voting, expecting to receive Social Security, expecting to receive benefits if you fought for our country, using rural electricity or electricity generated by a dam or government facility, using money, using bridges, using rest stops, expecting there to be laws to protect you, expecting your medicine to be safe, expecting our borders to be protected, expecting to own a car or a house, zoning laws, road signs, levees, your roads plowed in the winter, workplace safety laws, labor laws, minimum wage, receiving assistance if you lose your job or become disabled, stop expecting trash pickup, clean air, water, soil, criminals to be convicted and put in prison, stop expecting advances in science and space exploration, don't save your money in an FDIC insured bank, don't expect uniform building codes, safe and clean restaurants, to get a passport, attend a state university, mail a letter, copyright your work or apply for a patent, stop using cures found by labs using federal dollars, stop using elevators, stop expecting doctors to be licensed, expecting to be safe from diseases and viruses fought around the globe, stop using the internet or anything else developed by the military, or expect to be alerted or rescued in case of a natural disaster. These are what Republicans call handouts. I call it CIVILIZATION. - Dr. B.


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AN ARGUMENT AGAINST HEALTHCARE

WASHINGTON – The following message was released today by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:

This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t agree more.

It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have agreed that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be dead. Here at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to the death.

Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the Constitution, which protects every American’s right to shoot another American. It says nothing about giving the person who is shot health insurance to prevent him from dying. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently Florida.

In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito compared the Obama healthcare plan to burial insurance. Coincidentally, burial insurance is the Republican healthcare plan, and one that we enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American would be mandated to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and operated funeral homes. May we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale,™ a luxury mahogany casket with sienna satin interior and the finest imitation antique nickel handles ($2899).

As the organization representing America’s funeral directors, gravediggers, embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme Court will ultimately do the right thing and decide that healthcare flies in the face of every American’s constitutional right to the pursuit of deadness. And when they do, we’ll be waiting for you.

Sincerely,

The National Alliance of Funeral Directors

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HAPPY EASTER!

EXPORTING DEMOCRACY HAS LED TO SHORTAGES OF IT IN U.S., EXPERTS SAY

WASHINGTON – The U.S. policy of exporting democracy abroad has meant that there is very little of it left at home.

That is the grim assessment of a new study commissioned by the University of Rumpleforeskin, which predicts that if the U.S. continues to export democracy at its current pace it may completely run out of it at home by the year 2015.

“We have been exporting democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq while there are severe shortages of it in Wisconsin and Florida,” said Professor Ivan Offlcockitch, who supervised the study. “This is madness.”

Citing the study, Speaker of the House John Boehner said today, “It has been clear to me for some time that we must explore alternative forms of government, such as oligarchy, plutocracy or theocracy.”

Noting that democracy originated in Greece, Mr. Boehner added, “We must reduce our dependence on foreign sources of government.”

The University of Rumpleforeskin study contains several proposals, such as outsourcing the U.S. government to the world’s largest democracy, India.

“The work done by Congress could be accomplished much more efficiently by a series of electronic phone prompts,” the study recommends.

But Mr. Boehner warned that eliminating Congress entirely would have disastrous effects: “That would destroy entire sectors of our economy, especially the prostitution industry.”

Speaking from one of the states hardest hit by the democracy shortage, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker downplayed the seriousness of the problem, calling democracy “overrated.”

“Teachers may teach our children that democracy is important,” he said, “but the solution is to get rid of the teachers.”




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FYI: I continue to blog because I get a kick out of my own sense of humor. If you still do too, check back here every now and then for the most recent blog.

You may also send me a 'friend' request on facebook if you would like to read more of my brief witty and half-witty LOL-worthy observations every single goddamn fucking day. Some have even been known to ROTFLMFAO (not my ass, theirs, as far as I know).

Otherwise, in lieu of a Comment Section here, please feel free to comment amongst yourselves someplace else until you reach 200 comments, and then stop.

Know that you are missed.



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CHENEY RECEIVES HEART TRANSPLANT; BUSH STILL ON WAITING LIST FOR BRAIN

FALLS CHURCH, VA  – Former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant, but former President George W. Bush remained on a waiting list for a brain, hospital officials confirmed.
As part of a government contract signed while he was still Vice President, Halliburton performed the reconstruction work on Mr. Cheney’s circulatory system at a cost to taxpayers of $14.2 billion.
The doctor who performed the surgery called the procedure “extremely invasive – just the way the Vice President wanted it.”
A hospital spokesman said that Mr. Cheney was expected to make a full recovery, but that he was “somewhat disoriented” coming out of anesthesia: “When we asked him who the President of the United States was, he said, ‘Is it still me?’”
Minutes later, though, Mr. Cheney was reportedly alert, chatting with his doctors, and shooting people in the face.
Former President Bush made an appearance at the former Vice President’s hospital, hanging a “Mission Accomplished” banner in Mr. Cheney’s room hours before the operation was completed.


(NOT:  Blogger has apparently done away with the comments section to conserve on memory or some shit like that.  Sorry.  They also redesigned the area for composing blogs, which totally sucks Santorum balls, but I managed to figure out how to post a blog anyway.  Assholes.   Keep checking back here because occasionally the muse strikes me and I have to blog or I get severe muse bruises.)


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MARCH MADNESS EXPLAINED

Hi Sport fans of Basketball!

March Madness is a wonderful American sports tradition where over 800 college basketball teams compete to see who is the maddest! It’s VERY mad and everyone from President Barack Obama down to the lowliest, most recent immigrant from Sierra Leone or Canada get into it BIG TIME. It’s pretty much the most American thing that happens every year, more American than eating an apple pie off of a space shuttle’s hood on Jesus Christ’s birthday.

HOW DOES IT WORK!

I’ll be honest with you right now: I don’t 100% know. No one does because there are NO RULES. It wouldn’t be MAD if it had guidelines written by some doughy lump at Harvard or Cal State San Dominguez, would it? Correct. It wouldn’t be.

In any case, the idea is that one team has to be the maddest, or “most mad.” Each game has a task that has to be completed to the satisfaction of the judges, while also playing a full game of basketball, if possible.

THE JUDGES

This year the judges are Michelle Obama, Werner Herzog, Dr. Mehmet “Dr. Oz” Oz, Maroon 5, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Lange, Baby Jessica, Tone Loc and Karl Lagerfeld.

THE MADNESS

Starting March 15, each game played has a different challenge, in addition to the usual challenge of having to play basketball at an elite level.

MARCH 15: Each player must play from within a human size hamster ball filled with hamsters and one human (them.)

MARCH 16: The game is played in full darkness, officiated by blind referees firing 12-gauge shotguns loaded with bird shot at any basketball-related noise they hear.

MARCH 17: This game is simple. Standard basketball. BUT, there are no hoops and anytime a player wishes to “score,” he must build his own hoop, net, and backboard, score his 2 “basketball points,” then burn his handiwork in a ceremonial fire, center court.

MARCH 18: For this game, the standard basketball is replaced with a vaseline basketball. It’s not really a ball, I guess; it’s more of a basketball-sized glop of Vaseline.

MARCH 19: This game is just normal basketball. With one twist - it’s baseball.

MARCH 20: Each player must play wearing an earpiece through which they’ll be coached by motivational superhero, Tony Robbins, who will have ingested 8 ounces of psilocybin mushrooms and just been informed of his dog’s death.

MARCH 21: Every other player is replaced by a centipede. Not a mutant radioactive centipede that can eat people; just a regular little centipede. (Note: most centipedes do not know how to play basketball, so this game is extraordinarily difficult.

MARCH 22: “Theme Game:” Lord of the Rings vs. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

MARCH 23: Each player must carry his favorite celebrity chef on his shoulders for the entire game. If more than one player share a favorite chef, they will have to divide the chef with a machete and carry a portion of the chef in a velvet sack tied around their waist.

MARCH 24: Regular basketball, but without a ball.

MARCH 25: For this special game, Larry Bird will sit in a lifeguard chair by one end of the court and Magic Johnson will sit in a lifeguard chair at the opposite end. They’ll take extensive notes throughout the game and then explain to each player and his mother in exhaustive, personalized detail why they will never be as good as them.

MARCH 26: 12 hours before this game, each player will be forced to drink his own body weight in prune juice. The game itself will be regular, old-fashioned basketball, played in a “toilet-free” stadium.

MARCH 27: For this game, each time a player gains possession of the ball, he must paint a museum-grade oil painting of Liza Minelli shooting five separate rainbows out of her legendary vagina.

MARCH 28: Each player is replaced by one of his grandfathers. If his grandfathers are both dead, too bad; life isn’t fair, and March Madness is mad.

MARCH 29: Pizza Party! A fan favorite; for this matchup, each player carries a pizza on their head throughout the game! “Won’t they fall off,” you ask? Nope! They’re stapled on!

MARCH 30: Family Time! For the penultimate game, any women the players have impregnated over the years are invited onto the court to address any unsettled paternity claims. This one’s a doozy!

MARCH 31: Regular, classic basketball, but since it’s the Championship, each player wears a tuxedo and brings the ball to the hoop in style, mounted atop the mightiest of horses, the Clydesdale. But to reach the hoop, they must navigate around the Moscow Ballet, who will be performing an amped up version of “The Nutcracker,” accompanied by Slayer, The Geto Boys, and Sarah McLachlan.

THERE YOU HAVE IT! They don’t call it March Madness for nothing! I hope you’ll tune in to each uniquely “mad” game and bet any money you’ve reserved for food or medicine on your office bracket. You’ve earned it!

Your friend,

Dr. “Basket-Ball” B.



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CAPTION CONTEST!

You are invited to come up with a caption for this photo. At some random point (200th comment) I'll cut off the entries and announce a winner just as soon as I announce a winner. Thank you all in advance for participating. Please resume your medications.

Read more here: http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/2011/04/with-a-government-shutdown-looming-its-time-to-take-meaningful-citizen-action-in-the-form-of-a-capti.html#comments#storylink=cpy

Read more here: http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/2011/04/with-a-government-shutdown-looming-its-time-to-take-meaningful-citizen-action-in-the-form-of-a-capti.html#comments#storylink=cpy

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A LETTER FROM KIM JONG-UN to the people of Iowa

PYONGYANG – The following is a letter from Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, to the people of Iowa.

Dear Voters of Iowa:

In December I became Supreme Leader of North Korea.

Pretty amazing development for a twenty-something who at the time was still living at home and spending all day playing Angry Birds.

But there I was, receiving the cheers of millions of North Koreans, who usually don’t get that excited unless they’ve caught sight of my pork sandwich (LOL).

Here is why I am writing to you today: because today - Tuesday, January 3, 2012 - you will go to your caucuses and choose from among a field of Republican presidential candidates.

And let me tell you, the idea of any of these people getting nuclear weapons scares the shit out of me:

This is just one of many differences between your country and mine:

In North Korea, we lock up the criminally insane. In America, you let them debate on TV.

Right now you have people running for President I would not trust to take care of my plants.

So whom do I recommend you vote for today?

In a word, me.

If you think about it, I am the most Republican candidate of all...

In North Korea, we have no taxes. We have achieved that through a conservative policy of no jobs.

Also, we have no wasteful “big government” programs providing food, shelter, or safe drinking water.

And am I pro-life? Well, try this on for size: I believe that life begins at conception and ends at starvation.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I’m too young to be President, since I’m under 35.

Well, who would you rather have running your country, someone who’s under 35, or some Republican whose IQ is under 35? (LOL)

I think when you look at all the facts, voters of Iowa, you’ll realize that Kim Jong-Un is the 'Republican' who most deserves your vote.

And if you’re still not convinced, remember this: at least I’m not Mitt Romney.

Peace out yo,

Your Supreme Leader

(Many thanks to Buffy for being my sounding board for this blog -- Doc)

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