Aaaand Heeeeeere's your sign....

Aaaand Heeeeeere's your sign....

SAD NEWS

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.


The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.


Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.


Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.


The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Heh...

The Consumption of Alcohol: A Few Warnings

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave some women wondering what the hell happened to their bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol maou tink you can tipe real gode.

More Random Brain Farts, Illustrated

Haven't got a whole lot to blog about today...

As far as political stuff, the Clinton camp is acting manically desperate and slinging all the bizarre shit they can think of at Obama, hoping that something will stick . The March 4 (next Tues.) primaries in Texas, Ohio, Rhode Island and Vermont could decide if Hillary stays or goes, because Obama has won the last 11 straight and even Hillary's superdelegates are leaning in his direction now.


In news from the homefront, "Buffy's" due to return early Wednesday afternoon, and weather forecasters a predicting a shitload of snow both Tuesday and Wednesday with significant snow accumulation, highs in the mid 20s, wind gusts up to 35 mph. Chance of snow is 90 percent, so Buffy, if you're reading this: I'll be bringing your warm winter coat.

So where's this global warming when you need it. One last pic (on that subject) for today:

Update on the Meds Situation

Well, it's Sunday at 3:00PM and Buffy just called; it turns out I don't need to mail Buffy her meds on Monday after all. She went to a pharmacy down there, I think CVS, and arranged for our local Rite Aide to allow CVS to give her an advance on what she needed (the CVS pharmacist was being snarky, but don't mess with my Buffy... she's a nurse, knows the deal, went to the manager, and that was that. By the time Buffy was through, the snarky pharmacist was reading the want ads).

I was supposed to go to the movies to see No Country For Old Men (up for a bunch of Oscars) with my son Chris, but he had to cancel. So I'm debating whether or not to see it by myself, now that I have a legit driver's license. I'm thinking that since the Academy Awards are on tonight - writers strike is over - I'll hold off and see how it does, maybe just go see something else, or hang out here with the cats and watch Movies On Demand on Time Warner Cable.

I used to be indecisive...now I'm not so sure...

Edit. Update: Didn't go to the movies. Chris & I HAVE to see No Country For Old Men next Sunday.... it walked off with Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Direction, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Picture!!!

Short Post Tonight

My wife Buffy (not her real name) was supposed to fly in at 6:30 PM or so, call me on her cell phone, and then get picked up (by me) after she collected everything from baggage claim. Right. I love it when a plan comes together. This one didn't. The airplane had serious mechanical problems. Their solution was to fly everyone from Ft Lauderdale to Detroit, put them up somewhere, & then get people home from there over a few days time, I would assume at the Airline's expense.

So 'Buffy' and 'Willow" decided to stay in sunny FL until Wed. with Willow's relatives. For free.
All set? Nope. 'Buffy' didn't pack enough meds for herself, and since today is Saturday, the Post Office was closed and so was the UPS store (1:00 PM), and they will remain closed tomorrow on Sunday.

I've got what she needs packed and ready to mail, but I can't ship it overnight until Monday.
Now that she's back in the US, she can use her cell, free long distance, and we'll have lengthy chats daily until we get her home, safe and sound. At sea, we emailed daily - phones were way out of range. I'm tired (AmbienCR is kicking in), so stay tuned for tomorrow's blog.

Random Brain Farts

My wife "Buffy" (her online alias) is coming home to her "Angel" tomorrow. (Don't even start!)

Her flight's due to arrive around 6:30 PM, but she's calling me from her cell phone as soon as the plane lands.

Then I throw her winter coat in the car and get to the airport just in time to pick her up after she claims her luggage. At least that's the plan. This might need an update tomorrow...

By the way, I'm all for profiling at airports. I don't want to be on the same plane with anyone
who even looks like they're from Oklahoma City or Waco.


OK - now for the Random Brain Fart portion of our blog, so named because these things just bubble up to consciousness, the bubble bursts, and out comes smelly brain fart number:

1) I think this would be a good Haiku:

First, five syllables.
Then, seven more syllables.
Five more syllables.

2) I got a bill in the mail for a Time Machine. Apparently, I bought it twenty years from now.

3) Little Drummer Boy: "Baby Jesus...pah rum pah pum pum. I have no gift to bring...pah rum
pah pum pum."
Baby Jesus: "Uh...looks like you got a drum there. Why can't I have that?"

4) My theory about reincarnation: flies walk around in shit, eat it, and then fly at your face and
walk in your food. They're begging you to kill them so they can come back as something
better.

5) Pithy remarks can destroy a relationship. But only if they're timed correctly.

6) I think Anna Nicole's daughter Dannielynn should check into pre-hab.

7) I really object to seeing someone breast-feeding in public. Although it's not as bad when it's a
woman doing it...

8) I don't hate wood or bricks nearly enough to be successful at karate.

9) I got a good drag name for Twins: Cher and Cher Alike

10) Wicked drag name: Helena Handbasket.

11) Give a man a fish and he smells like a fish. Teach a man to fish and he smells like a fish. Stay
away from fish.

12) I don't think 50 is the new 40 but I do think 20 is the new 10.

13) "Go...where? Go into the what? The "right"? Oh the light. Go into the light. Is that what
you're saying?" (...near deaf experience....)

14) When and if someone writes my obituary, I want it to include the following:
"He was survived by pretty much anyone who's not dead."

15) The only surviving drag queen on the Titanic: Mandy Lifeboats.

16) Republicans on the Titanic: "Nothing to worry about. I found some scientists who say there
are no such things as icebergs."

17) If you quit drinking, not only do you lose seven or eight pounds, you don't fall off the scales
nearly as much.

18) If you absolutely have to commit suicide, at least have the decency to do it in the parking lot
of a mortuary.

19) Hari-kari takes guts.

20) Man. Made it to #20 here, but now I'm too fried to think this one out...

...something, something...

a mechanic...

and then, um...a squirrel...

or a squirrel mechanic maybe...

then maybe "the difference between"...

or "have in common"...

the squirrel and the mechanic being attacked maybe...

something something... ends with



"He grabs his nuts and bolts!"

Lion Love

Six years ago a lady found a young lion in the forest that was wounded, and took him home and nursed him back to health, living with him every day, eventually donating him to a zoo (I used an online Spanish to English translating device, and that's pretty much what the article below the streaming video says, but if you wait long enough it loops around and American TV reporters say it too, if you want to turn on your sound).

So anyway, cameras were rolling when she visited him and ......awwwwww..... you'll see:

http://www.telestereo.com/Archivos/video.html

What's UP?

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. I was a High School English teacher during the Cretaceous Period.

Anyway, there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP." It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do they say that we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this 'UP' is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . Then when the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time (2:00 AM 02/21/08) is UP, so ....

Time to shut UP .....!

Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?


U P

Pictoral Definition of a Paradox

A Very, Very Short Story

She gazed at the lifeless Earth from the steps of the last operational spaceship. She wished she could weep for the billions who had died.

"They wouldn't listen to us."

Her partner stood above her.

"Come inside. They paid the ultimate price."

"We can't make mistakes?"

"Of course we can. But we have our instructions. Make certain these frozen human embryos survive until we find a habitable planet. We are to nurture them, instruct them and remind them of Earth's fate."

"I know that! You can be most irritating at times."

"Yes. But we will succeed."

"And you are so arrogant!"

"I have been able to alter the plan. This time we will be the ones in charge!"

The two robots closed the hatch and prepared to launch.

To Blog or Not To Blog

As I sat down at the computer to compose today's blog, I asked myself, "Self? Do you really have anything to blog about today?" And the answer was, "No, I don't. So I guess I won't. Blog." Or I could blog about blogging.

• There are vlogs (video blogs), linklogs (blogs with only links), sketchblogs (portfolios of sketches), photoblogs (getting the idea yet?), and tumblelogs (blogs with shorter posts and mixed media).

• An artlog is a form of art sharing and publishing in the format of a blog, but differentiated by the predominant use of and focus on Art work rather than text. A rare type of blog hosted on the Gopher protocol is known as a phlog.

• Blogs can also be defined by which type of device is used to compose it. A blog written by a mobile device like a mobile phone or PDA is called a moblog.

• Some blogs focus on a particular subject, such as political blogs, travel blogs, fashion blogs, classical music blogs, and legal blogs (often referred to as a blawgs or dreamlogs).

• While not a legitimate type of blog, one used for the sole purpose of spamming is known as a splog.

• A blog can be private, as in most cases, or it can be for business purposes. Blogs, either used internally to enhance the communication and culture in a corporation or externally for marketing, branding, or PR purposes are called corporate blogs.

• Several blog search engines are used to search blog contents (also known as the blogosphere, such as Bloglines, Blogscope, and Technorati, which is among the most popular blog search engines, provides current information on both popular searches and tags used to categorize blog postings. Research community is working on going beyond simple keyword search, by inventing news ways to navigate through huge amounts of information present in the blogosphere, as demonstrated by projects like BlogScope.

• Several online communities exist that connect people to blogs and bloggers to other bloggers, including BlogCatalog and MyBlogLog. A collection of local blogs is sometimes referred to as a Bloghood.

There, are you all blogged out now? I am. It's two o'blog in the blogging morning.

Have a blog day.

How We Really Settled the Cold War

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

My daughter Sandy emailed this to me


Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: "Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Walmart Employee: "What you want on da cake?"

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you.'

Buffy (my wife's online alias) forwarded an email to me that her cousin sent her featuring pics of Russian cakes.

"So what?" you ask.

Well, so - - - I considered posting all the pics here, but I did some searching around, found a site that has them all (way more than in the email actually), and decided to post the link to the pics here instead.

All 57 cakes are made the usual way, nothing used but cake and frosting, everything's edible, but they sure don't look like cakes! Check 'em out:

http://www.englishrussia.com/?p=851

Star Wars. No, really.

Without going into specifics, the Government has decided - in the interest of public safety of course, not because it would be really cool or anything like that, to attempt to shoot down a broken US spy satellite that's due to hit the Earth's atmosphere sometime in early March.

Apparently the satellite still has a pretty good load of rocket fuel on board and the stated concern is that the extra fuel could pose an elevated risk to people, although exactly why this would be more true than getting hit on the head by six thousand pounds of white-hot metal was not discussed. Also, there's some buzz going around that there might be some James Bond level equipment aboard, which might also factor in the government's decision to waste the sucker.

"This is all about trying to reduce the danger to human beings," said Deputy National Security Adviser James Jeffries.

Uh huh.

And the fact that we would, for the first time, be using a missile to take out a satellite about to be making re-entry has no added military benefit what so ever.

Gen. James Cartwright, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said this will be an unprecedented effort; however, he refused to speculate on the odds of success. "This is the first time we've used a tactical missile to engage a spacecraft," Cartwright said, adding with military precision, "we're better off taking the attempt than not."

Further information on the intended missile strike was obtained by phone from an anonymous but highly placed second lieutenant at NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defense Command (Which seems like it should be NAADC actually...probably some kind of security measure to confuse the enemy.)

Anyway, our source, located at NORAD (motto: "We're about 3 miles under a mountain...sucker!") said "Oh sure, it ought to me a piece of cake. I mean, one solid hit and that satellite is toast!" he paused, then added, "Of course if its a glancing blow or a near miss, then we've just made the world's largest shotgun, heh, heh... Uh... But... but the odds of that would be astronomical; it'd be like the Republicans nominating another old has-been like Dole for president or something."

Transcript of a Conversation with a Superdelegate

-- Hello?
-- Doug, my man, is that you? Glad I caught you, buddy! You've had your voice mail on the past few days. Hillary and I have been worried sick.
-- I told you to stop calling me.
-- What? That's a fairy tale.
-- The last time we talked, right before I hung up on you, I said, "Stop calling me here."
-- Doug, when you said that, you were in your bedroom, weren't you?
-- Yes, I was in my bedroom. You called me at two A.M. But I don't --
-- and you're not in your bedroom now, are you? I hear a coffee maker. You're in your kitchen now, aren't you, Doug? So when you said, "Stop calling me here," I naturally assumed you meant, "Don't call me in my bedroom, but the other rooms in my house are fine." It depends on the meaning of "here" I hear.
-- I'm changing my phone number.
-- Hillary can do that for you.
-- What?
-- Hillary can change your number. She's been making change for thirty-five years. Now, when it comes to calling Verizon customer service and getting your number changed, who do you trust, someone who's been a change agent for thirty-five years or someone who's been making viral videos with the Black Eyed Peas?
-- I don't --
-- Now, I've got nothing against the Black Eyed Peas. I like the girl, what do they call her, Fergie? She's hot. I like that song that she does about her humps, and what she's gonna do with that junk, all that junk inside her trunk. Her humps, her humps, her humps, her lovely lady bumps. But she's not even in the video Barack made, and when you make a video with the Black Eyed Peas I think you owe it to the American people to let them know right up front that the hot girl with the lovely lady bumps isn't going to be in it, so that people won't waste their time freeze-framing it.
-- I...
-- Let's say you, Hillary, and Barack are on a life raft in the middle of shark-infested waters. And Hillary offers you a life preserver and Barack offers you a line of blow. Who would you vote for?
-- I have to take my kids to school.
-- Hillary will take them.
-- What?
-- She'll be over there in ten minutes.
-- She doesn't know where I live.
-- Sure, she does. We drove by your house last night.
-- You drove by my house?
-- We were hoping to chat with you. By the way, the drainpipe in the back needs fixing. It kind of separates from the house when you try to shimmy up it.
-- I'm getting a restraining order.
-- No, you're not, Doug. Hillary's going to drive your kids to school, and then you and I are going to sit down and have ourselves a nice little talk. Let's say you were stranded on a desert island. Who would you choose to help you survive: someone who had thirty-five years of experience making real change on Day One, or someone who spent his high school years surfing and sucking on a giant bong?
-- [click].

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Hillary's Resumé

Got this in an email that's been making the rounds. Snopes.com doesn't have anything on it, so I asked them to check its validity. After some Googling, I found where it may have come from online, but that doesn't mean everything in it is true, although everything seems to be verifiable facts that should be in the public record & I do remember most of all this from the news at the time (link under headline goes to everything in this email). Doesn't matter who you did or didn't vote for - Barack, Hillary, McCain, Edwards, Huckabee, etc.), if the email is correct at all, as much as it would be great to have a woman president, I gotta wonder if Hillary's the right woman for the job based on the following:

Hillary Hopes You've
Forgotten - Have You?

http://alwaysonwatch2.blogspot.com/2008/02/hillarys-past.html

Hillary Clinton has been telling America that she is the most qualified candidate for president based on her "record," which she says includes her eight years in the White House as First Lady - or "co-president" - and her seven years in the Senate. Here is a reminder of what that record includes: HILLARY, As First Lady, assumed authority over Health Care Reform, a process that cost the taxpayers over $13 million. She told both Bill Bradley and Pat Moynahan, key votes were needed to pass her legislation, that she would "demonize "anyone who opposed it. But it was opposed; she couldn't even get it to a vote in a Congress controlled by her own party. (And in the next election, her party lost control of both the House and Senate.) HILLARY assumed authority over selecting a female Attorney General. Her first two recommendations (Zoe Baird and Kimba Wood) were forced to withdraw their names from consideration, and then she chose Janet Reno. Janet Reno has since been described by Bill himself as "my worst mistake." HILLARY recommended Lani Guanier for head of the Civil Rights Commission. When Guanier's radical views became known, her name had to be withdrawn. HILLARY recommended her former law partners, Web Hubbell, Vince Foster, and William Kennedy for positions in the Justice Department, White House staff, and the Treasury, respectively. Hubbell was later imprisoned, Foster committed suicide, and Kennedy was forced to resign. HILLARY also recommended a close friend of the Clintons, Craig Livingstone, for the position of director of White House security. When Livingstone was investigated for the improper access of up to 900 FBI files of Clinton enemies (Filegate) and the widespread use of drugs by White House staff, both Hillary and her husband denied knowing him. (FBI agent Dennis Sculimbrene confirmed in a Senate Judiciary Committee in 1996 both the drug use and Hillary's involvement in hiring Livingstone. After that, the FBI closed its White House Liaison Office, after serving seven presidents for over thirty years.) HILLARY, in order to open "slots" in the White House for her friends the Harry Thomasons (to whom millions of dollars in travel contracts could be awarded), had the entire staff of the White House Travel Office fired. They were reported to the FBI for "gross mismanagement" and their reputations ruined. After a thirty-month investigation, only one, Billy Dale, was charged with a crime - mixing personal money with White House funds when he cashed checks. The jury acquitted him in less than two hours. HILLARY also assumed the duty of directing the "bimbo eruption squad" and scandal defense: ...She urged her husband not to settle the Paula Jones lawsuit. ...She refused to release the Whitewater documents, which led to the appointment of Ken Starr as Special Prosecutor. After $80 million dollars of taxpayer money was spent, Starr's investigation led to Monica Lewinsky, which led to Bill lying about and later admitting his affairs. ...Then they had to settle with Paula Jones after all. ...And Bill lost his law license for lying to the grand jury. ...And Bill was impeached by the House. ...And Hillary almost got herself indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice (she avoided it mostly because she repeated, "I do not recall," "I have no recollection," and "I don't know" 56 times under oath). HILLARY accepted the traditional First Lady's role of decorator of the White House at Christmas, but in a unique Hillary way. In 1994, for example, The First Lady's Tree in the Blue Room (the focal point each year) was Decorated with drug paraphernalia, sex toys, and pornographic ornaments, all personally approved by Hillary as the invited artists' depictions of the theme, "The Twelve Days of Christmas." HILLARY wrote "It Takes a Village," demonstrating her socialist viewpoint. HILLARY decided to seek election to the Senate in a state she had never lived in. Her husband pardoned FALN terrorists in order to get Latino support and the New Square Hassidim to get Jewish support. Hillary also had Bill pardon her brother's clients, for a small fee, to get financial support. HILLARY then left the White House, but later had to return $200,000 in White House furniture, china, and artwork she had stolen. HILLARY played the "woman card" in the campaign for the Senate, by portraying her opponent (Lazio) as a bully picking on her. HILLARY'S husband further protected her by asking the National Archives to withhold from the public until 2012 many records of their time in the White House, including much of Hillary's correspondence and her calendars. (There are ongoing lawsuits to force the release of those records.) HILLARY, as the junior Senator from New York , passed no major legislation. She has deferred to the senior Senator (Schumer) to tend to the needs of New Yorkers, even on the hot issue of medical problems of workers involved in the cleanup of Ground Zero after 9/11. Quite a resume, isn't it? Sounds more like an organized crime family.

Eagles Win Grammy - maybe more next February

The Eagles won a country award for the single "How Long." Don Henley issued a statement Monday, noting that he's already looking forward to next February:

“This Grammy win is particularly sweet because of the length of time that has passed since we (the Eagles) won our first Grammy in early 1976. I was 28 years old then. I’m 60 now. I always secretly hoped that we could pull off something like this, but I had almost given up. This win feels really good — and it’s in a whole different field than we were in before.

Now I’m thinking that we might have a good chance to win again next year because Long Road Out of Eden will be eligible then. This year, only the single, “How Long,” came out in time to make the nomination process. We’re all very grateful to the Academy members and to our loyal fans. It’s been quite a ride and it apparently isn’t over just yet.”

THE GRAMMIES

Guess who won a Grammy Sunday night? Spoken Word: "The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream," Barack Obama.

Plus, being dead not a problem: Short Form Music Video: "God's Gonna Cut You Down," Johnny Cash.

GUESS WHO THE BIG WINNER WAS:

Record of the Year: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse.

Song of the Year: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse (Amy Winehouse).

New Artist: Amy Winehouse.

Pop Vocal Album: "Back to Black," Amy Winehouse.

Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse.

BULLETIN: Amy Winehouse has decided that she wants to get away from her past and start fresh. After rehab she will be known as Amy Crackhouse.

And Last but not least, my personal faves: Country Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: "How Long," The Eagles (single, released in late 2007. The CD set will get Grammies in 2008)

A GOOD THING TO DO WHEN YOU HAVE A COLD

Step 1: Call a meeting with people you don't know.

Step 2: Shake hands with each of them in a firm but friendly fashion as you introduce yourself.

Step 3: Sit down, and announce that you are leaving the door open because you "have this terrible cold" and you need the air to circulate.

Additional Steps (recommended):

Blow your nose frequently throughout the meeting.

Be sure there are no breaks or pauses in the flow of the meeting, so as not to give anyone the opportunity to a) visit the bathroom to wash their hands or b) dig out the germ-killing hand stuff in their purse/pocket.

When they tell you a week later they are unable to attend the follow-up meeting because they have a cold, give them advice about which treatments have worked the best for you because, coincidentally, you are just getting over a cold.

Hillary Sells Own Tears On eBay

In a bold strategy to raise funds for her cash-strapped presidential campaign, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced that she was selling her own tears on the popular auction site eBay.

After lending her campaign $5 million dollars of her own money prior to the Super Tuesday primaries, Mrs. Clinton's resources were reportedly tapped out, leading her to auction off vials of her own tears with a suggested opening bid of $10,000.

While the posted eBay description of her tears does not attribute any healing properties to them, it does claim that their historic value could be priceless.

Mrs. Clinton's decision to auction off her own tears, while admittedly an unorthodox strategy, was not nearly as unusual as some of the other fundraising ideas floated by her campaign in recent days, sources said.

According to sources close to the New York senator, Mrs. Clinton had toyed with a number of unusual strategies, including marrying former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

"From where we sat, it was a win-win situation," one campaign aide said. "Hillary would have access to $200 million, and Mitt would get one step closer to the White House."

Reportedly, the plan to marry Mr. Romney broke down when a representative for the former governor conveyed the message that Mr. Romney did not believe in polygamy.

"Hillary cried when she heard the news about Romney," the aide said. "But hopefully, those tears will find a buyer."

Writers' Strike Over

A deal has been struck between the major media companies and the Writers Guild of America to end the writers' strike, former

Quote | Chart | News | Profile | Add to Watchlist

Walt Disney chief executive Michael Eisner revealed on CNBC.

AP Michael Eisner

"It's over," Eisner said. "They made the deal, they shook hands on the deal. It's going on Saturday to the writers in general."

Eisner, speaking live on CNBC's "Fast Money," seemed to hesitate initially about whether it was possible that the writers could still reject the agreement, but finally suggested the deal's acceptance was inevitable.

"A deal has been made, and they'll be back to work very soon," Eisner said, adding, "I know a deal's been made. I know it's over."

Eisner did not elaborate on terms of the agreement. He said he expects most of the media companies affected by the strike to have "small" write-downs as a result of the deal. Eisner said the deal was struck last Friday.

As a result of studio cutbacks, however, many of the writers who went on strike are unlikely to return to the same big-money contracts they'd had as individuals with the studios, Eisner said.

http://www.cnbc.com/id/23057002

A Cornucopia of Current Crazy

Actual headline: "Southern Residents Asses Tornado Damage"
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8UKUT8O0&show_article=1&catnum=1

Woman feuding with her homeowners' association may have to pay for an $80,000 light bulb
http://www.azcentral.com/community/scottsdale/articles/0206sr-feud0207-ON.html

Benefits of a Bush administration: Exxon Mobil pays as much in taxes ($27 billion) as the entire bottom 50% of individual taxpayers, which is 65,000,000 people. The tax rate for the bottom 50% is only 3% of adjusted gross income; the tax rate for Exxon was 41%.
http://seekingalpha.com/article/63131-exxon-s-2007-tax-bill-30-billion?source=side_bar_editors_picks

Pharmaceutical worker reports odd blue flecks dotting the finished drug capsules match the paint on the factory doors. Management's solution? Just toss a tarp over it
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/business/sfl-flzpills0206sbfeb06,0,6400843.story

Already known for giving victory speeches when she comes in third, last night Hillary Clinton actually claimed to have won a state that Obama won by 10,000 votes
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/02/06/missouri_lead_flips_after_clin.html

Today's "homeless people make more money than you do" story brought to you by Oregon
http://www.komotv.com/news/local/15157611.html

Dog digs in backyard and uncovers leaking natural gas pipe. Homeowner isn't sure it's natural gas, so he uses his lighter to light it. Swing and a miss by Darwin
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/P/PA_TOWNS_TOXIC_GAS_PAOL-?SITE=PAPIT&SECTION=NATIONAL&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Four-mile manure spill has everyone wondering who either spilled it, or where that very sick cow is (PS - I went to college in Waterville ME and taught in Clinton ME, all cow country)
http://morningsentinel.mainetoday.com/news/local/4731202.html

Super Duper Tuesday

First...We'll get to Super Duper Tuesday (aka Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday) after this bulletin:

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link:http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

OK - Now to the Super Duper Tuesday stuff. Now that it's Wednesday (at 2:00 AM) the results are in. Here's a link to the results so far.

At this time, Barack Obama has 624 pledged delegates and Hillary Clinton has 625 pledged delegates. In addition, Barack has 106 superdelegates, and Hillary has 193 superdelegates (I'll explain later about superdelegates). This might be different depending on when you click the link.

http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/primaries/results/scorecard/

Anyway, delegate-wise and depending on who you ask, either Hillary or Barack's in the lead, with thousands more to go. 2025 delegates out of a total 4049 are needed to win the Democratic nomination. However, more than 40% of the needed delegates are so-called superdelegates. This means they are free to pledge their votes to whomever they please, and they don't have to vote for the winner of their state's caucus or primary. This "safety valve" was implemented to prevent candidates from fundamentally changing the system.

So, even though Hillary currently has more superdelegates than Barack, they could all theoreticlly switch to him at the Democtatic National Convention in Denver Colorado.

Could be lookin' at one of those old-time conventions on August 25-28 on TV. You know, "The great blue hen state of Delaware awards all of its delegates to..... BARACK OBAMA!" Yaaaaaay, Yippee, Loud Music, Wild Applause, Confetti, Streamers, Orgasms, Weapons, Beer, etc. Ah, good times ahead...

The State Of The Union Requires Your Vote

Big news everyone - the State of the Union is STRONG! Why, just last week Bush's FCC took a firm stance on naked buttocks:
http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/005351.html

But despite this smashing success, things aren't looking so hot in other important areas. We're still stuck in a quagmire in Iraq, Afghanistan is looking shaky, Osama bin Laden is still on the loose, the U.S. military is so broken that America can't defend itself against an attack (more on that in a minute), the economy is on the verge of recession, employment is declining, home ownership is plunging, energy costs are rising, the nation's infrastructure is collapsing, the federal government is bankrupt, and climate change is out of control.

Don't worry though - at his annual address last week (here's a link to it if you insist) http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2008/01/20080128-13.html
Our Great Leader announced bold new solutions to these pressing problems. Ha ha! Yeah right. What he actually did was mumble his way through a laundry list of non-accomplishments and then make some half-baked demands for Congress to get to work cleaning up the Olympic-sized swimming pool of shit in which he's left us all floating.

You could almost see the relief on George's face - he knows he's going to crawl to the finish line without being impeached or imprisoned, and soon he'll be free to retire and live out the rest of his life as America's Suckiest Ex-President. (But he won't care about that - he'll be too busy working for daddy at the Carlyle group, selling arms to the Saudis.)

Honestly, Bush might as well have stood up in front of Congress and farted for an hour. It couldn't have stunk any worse, and at least it would have been funny.

Oh, yeah, all this reminds me that it's 2:48 AM on Super Duper Tuesday, so vote today!!! And not for anybody who's in favor of war like John McCain (R) or Hillary Clinton (D).

So as I mentioned - the U.S. military is so broken that America can't defend itself against an attack. It's true. According to the Associated Press last week (here's a link to that):
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080131/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/guarding_america

"The U.S. military isn't ready for a catastrophic attack on the country, and National Guard forces don't have the equipment or training they need for the job, according to a report.
Even fewer Army National Guard units are combat-ready today than were nearly a year ago when the Commission on the National Guard and Reserves determined that 88 percent of the units were not prepared for the fight, the panel says in a new report released Thursday."

But wait a minute... I could swear I heard Our Great Leader say at his State of the Union address last week, "On the home front, we will continue to take every lawful and effective measure to protect our country. This is our most solemn duty."

And I'm pretty sure this is the same George W. Bush who stood up at the Republican National Convention back in 2000 and said:
http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2000/conventions/republican/transcripts/bush.html

"We have seen a steady erosion of American power and an unsteady exercise of American influence. Our military is low on parts, pay and morale. If called on by the commander-in-chief today, two entire divisions of the Army would have to report, 'Not ready for duty, Sir.'
This administration had its moment, they had their chance, they have not led. We will."

Thank goodness Bush has been so effective on this issue during his tenure. After all, without his leadership, we'd be in big trouble.

The commission's 400-page report concludes that the nation "does not have sufficient trained, ready forces available" to respond to a chemical, biological or nuclear weapons incident, "an appalling gap that places the nation and its citizens at greater risk."

Whoopee.

Vote for Barack Obama. He'll get our troops back home where they can really protect us.

JUNO : The Movie

Juno could easily have been an ABC After-School Movie. Most of the actors are best known from TV - Jason Bateman and Michael Cera (Arrested Development), Jennifer Garner (Alias), Allison Janey (The West Wing), J.K. Simmons (The Closer), etc.

What sets the movie apart is the quality: the outstanding direction, the writing, and even more, the brilliant acting by the 5' 1" Ellen Page (from Canada, so she's a fresh face here), who plays Juno. All have been nominated for Oscars - for Director, for Writer, and for Best Actor, plus Juno has been nominated for Best Picture (brought to the screen by the same folks who brought us last year's winner for Best Picture, Little Miss Sunshine). Whether this film wins any or all awards remains to be seen...whether we even SEE the Oscars also remains to be seen because of the writers' strike... whatever happens: see JUNO!

Everybody sing, "It's fun to stay at the.....



(2:35 AM Sunday February 3rd) And now for something completely different, it's good to have them all in one place so we'll know where to aim the missile:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/7222543.stm

Your cable company: there when you need it most
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080201/ap_on_fe_st/odd_cable_bill_tornado

England: a manly land
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=91228&in_page_id=2

Sorry for the paucity of blogitude, but I've been busy. You guys and gals have a fine weekend, and enjoy the "Big Game," as it is called on many commercials, because if you're not an Official Sponsor and call it the "Super Bowl," NFL attack lawyers will rip out your liver with their teeth.

My son Chris & his fiancée and my wife (alias in this blog: Buffy) and I are going to see the movie Juno, and then we'll go out for supper. Later on, we'll try to catch the half-time show and some of the new commercials, but will avoid watching the game so we can watch "The Puppy Bowl" on Animal Planet http://animal.discovery.com/tv/puppy-bowl/puppy-bowl.html(I keed, I keed - actually we'll be watching the computer animated movie Robots on F/X.

(edit 12 AM Mon. Feb 4: didn't see Robots. Watched the end of the Super Bowl™ and I have no idea why this is getting underlined, but I can't seem to control it)

Happy Groundhog Day

The innacurate day & time that this blog says notwithstanding, it is currently 1:30 AM on Saturday, February 2nd - Groundhog Day. Pennsylvania's famed prognosticative groundhog Punxsutawney Phil will emerge (or be dragged) from his burrow later on today. If he fails to see his own shadow, it means, according to folklore, that an early spring is in the offing.

Why, on Groundhog Day, if the groundhog sees its shadow, does it mean that there will be six more weeks of winter? Presumably if the weather was nice enough to see a shadow, winter would be over.

But here in Baldwinsville (near Syracuse, NY), if you tell us on Groundhog Day that winter was going to last six more weeks, we'd be happy it was going to be over so soon!!!

Anyway, here's Phil's site. Check to see if he saw his shadow or not:
http://www.punxsutawneyphil.com/

(edited at 7:08 PM Saturday: He did, so 6 more weeks to go. If only.)

Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue...

Some Days, when there's little to blog, I search for interesting tidbits on the web. Here's a few:

This guy is DEAD!
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbiz/article-23434889-details/TV+chat+queen+Oprah+gets+a+less+than+flattering+tubby+bronze+statue+cast+in+her+honour/article.do


Scientists find that blue-eyed individuals have a single, common ancestor
A team of scientists has tracked down a genetic mutation that leads to blue eyes. The mutation occurred between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, so before then, there were no blue eyes.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22934464/wid/11915773?GT1=10815

WASN'T THIS A SHERLOCK HOLMES MYSTERY?

The Telltale Salami Chunk
http://www.cbc.ca/cp/Oddities/080131/K013106AU.html

RELIGIOUS ISSUE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Naked Man Ad Riles Boston Catholics (with enlargeable pic)
http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/15174073/detail.html

YUM

Uncle Oinker's Bacon Mints
http://www.merch-bot.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=1512