HALLOWEEN: THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Halloween reminds me of a simpler, more innocent time -- a time when I dressed up as a goblin and ran around the neighborhood shouting "Trick or treat!''

But that was last year. This year, I think I'll have a more subdued costume. Maybe I'll dress up as a large piece of lumber and carry around a cardboard box labeled ''Interest Rates,'' and every few steps, I'll drop it. Get it? It's the Federal Reserve ''Board''! Dropping interest rates! Ha ha! I bet THAT will get a big reaction from the neighborhood kids! Probably in the form of eggs.

That's the problem with kids today: They don't know what Halloween is all about. It has been commercialized to the point where our young people think it's just ''fun and games.'' They know nothing about the somber origin of this holiday, which dates back to 1621, when the Pilgrims, having survived a difficult first winter in America, decided to express their thanks by dressing up in comical outfits with knickers and hats shaped like traffic cones and then went around playing pranks with what turned out -- tragically -- to be their last remaining roll of toilet paper, and thus as you can imagine their second winter was no picnic either. THAT is what Halloween is about, but try explaining it to these spoiled kids today, with their inexhaustible supplies of Charmin.

Oh, sure, we still teach our children some Halloween traditions. We teach them that this is a time when we buy pumpkins and carve faces into them. But we don't teach them the underlying spiritual reason WHY we do this, which is that each fall, the average American pumpkin farmer produces 17 trillion of these things, and if he doesn't get rid of them, they will rot, and everything the farmer owns, including his smaller children, will disappear under a gigantic cloud of flies. THAT is why we buy pumpkins and carve faces into them.

Maybe, this year, as a nation, we should try to get back to a more traditional kind of Halloween. For example, instead of letting your kids watch modern horror movies, with their ''high-tech'' special effects, you should rent some old traditional horror movies, such as the 1941 classic ''The Wolf Man,'' starring Lon Chaney Jr. There is nothing at all special about the effects in this movie. When Lon turns into a wolf, you see Lon, then you see the moon, then you see Lon again, and ... there's more hair on him! If you look closely, you can actually see the makeup person's hand darting out of the frame. This process continues until Lon has been transformed, chillingly, from an ordinary person into ... a person with obviously fake hair pasted all over him! Oooooh! Then Lon runs around attacking people in a maniacal fury, caused by the fact that he is itching like CRAZY.

I watched that movie a lot, growing up, and it affected me deeply, especially when I reached junior high school and hadn't developed much bodily hair. I used to deliberately hang out under the moon, hoping for something to sprout.

Yes, that is the kind of movie you should show your children this year, perhaps at a neighborhood Halloween party, where you can also do traditional craft projects. Here's a fun one to try!

HALLOWEEN CRAFT PROJECT: Get 24 pieces of 8- ½-by-11 construction paper, 12 black and 12 orange. Now cut each piece lengthwise into 68 identical strips ¼ inch wide and 5- ½ inches long. Form these into loops by fastening the ends with No. 3 staples. Now get a 7-by-11-inch baking pan and mix in the following: 7 ounces of distilled water, one ounce of balsamic vinegar, one teaspoon of clarified butter and 2.78 ounces of extruded bauxite, ground fine. Now put both hands on your behind and hop around the room shouting, ''Boom shacka lacka lacka! Boom shacka lacka lacka!'' Ha ha! Here at The World According to ME, I LOVE giving you instructions for elaborate holiday craft projects that I would never dream of making myself. My role model is Martha Stewart, who actually lives in a Motel 6 room furnished entirely with used KFC boxes.

After the crafts, how about telling the kids a traditional spooky ghost story? For added fun, have Dad secretly hide in the closet while Mom tells the story. When Mom gets to the climactic part where the ghost suddenly appears, imagine the squeals of delighted terror from the kids when ... nothing happens! Because Dad has fallen asleep in there. He's tired. We're all tired. But we WILL go on with Halloween, darn it. That's the kind of nation we are. Personally, Buffy and I plan to repeat our annual Halloween tradition of turning out all the lights to make it look like nobody's home while we watch TV in the back bedroom eating candy. Boo!

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STUDY: MOST SICK AMERICANS WILL BE DEAD BY THE TIME HEALTH CARE BILL PASSES

Bethesda, MD – A study released Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health finds that an overwhelming majority of sick Americans will be dead by the time a health care bill passes, because they delayed doctor’s visits and other necessary medical procedures due to high medical care costs coupled with job losses and low incomes.

“Nearly 72% of the sick in the U.S. are likely to die from treatable medical conditions before a bill overhauling the health care system is passed by Congress, let alone signed by President Obama,” the report said. “Due to the current economic crisis, people are putting off doctor’s visits, minor procedures, and even major surgeries. If the current situation persists, there will surely be several million deaths in the coming year.”

Jim Manna of Allentown, PA, was told he needs coronary bypass surgery to repair clogged arteries. He said he hopes he can wait until a new health care bill is on the books.

“I think I can make it till, let’s say, December,” Manna said. “I mean, I hope they can get it done by then. Judging by how poor my breathing is right now, I don’t think there’s much chance of me making it to January. So, let’s go, guys. Maybe take it up a notch.”

Ethel Jaimes of Chicago knows she should take her son, Jayson, to the doctor, but she is a single mother who just lost her job and cannot afford the visit.

“He’s bleeding, like, from his eyes,” Ms. Jaimes said. “Which I know isn’t good. But what can I do? I ask him, Which would you rather have, bread or the doctor? And he says bread.”

Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa, the ranking Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, said any delay in getting a bill to the Senate floor for debate is not the fault of Republicans.

“It is the Democrats’ attempt to fashion a government takeover of health care that is causing this process to take so long,” Grassley said. “I was ready to pass a bill on day one. Day one of negotiations. I proposed a bill that no one new gets covered, and that being tired can be considered a preexisting condition. Now, is it my fault that no one went with me on that?”

The NIH report concludes by noting one possible advantage to having many millions of Americans die from unreceived medical attention — that many fewer Americans will need health care coverage.

“This could result in a substantially lower cost for the bill that eventually is considered. Reducing by several million the number of Americans who need health insurance coverage would surely bring down the overall cost of the legislation. In addition, as these were the sickest Americans, their care would have been that much more expensive. However, it is important to note that any gain could well be negated by losses in tax revenue due to the rapid disappearance of millions of tax payers.”

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OKLAHOMA OKAYS NEW BIRTHER LICENSE PLATES

OKLAHOMA CITY - A source at the Oklahoma governor's office has confirmed that the state will be the first in the union to officially sanction the so-called "Birther" belief that President Obama was born in Kenya by issuing a special commemorative license plate.

"There has been a lot of call for something like this, so we're only giving in to what our most vocal Oklahomans seem to want," said an aide to Gov. Brad Henry. "If President Obama wishes to clear any of this up by producing the long version of his birth certificate, we'd be happy to add a note mentioning that on the back of the plate."

While the plates will be ready for use by the middle of next month at the earliest, they will not be available for everyone. Birthers will have to prove themselves by first demonstrating their knowledge of relevant information, such as biblical facts, Rush Limbaugh trivia and generalized awareness of historical and current right-wing talking points.

"If you think the Earth is a flat 6000 years old and that Saddam Hussein was wiping his hairy hiney with a US dollar bill while planning 9/11 - pardon my French - you get a plate," the governor's aide told The World According To Me.

The news that Oklahoma was going to add a layer of credibility to President Obama's birth certificate difficulties was met with angry surprise by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.

"What the hell is it going to take: Made In The USA tattooed into the man's ass?" Emanuel asked. "No seriously. Would that do it, do you think?"

The plate itself does not seem to be enough for some Birthers, however, many of whom are demanding that it come with additional perks, such as special parking privileges. These demands have oddly attracted even some Democratic support.

"So they want the same privileges as people with handicapped plates?" asked Oklahoma Democratic Party Chair Todd Goodman. "Yeah, I could see getting behind that."

GOP party luminary Sarah Palin also offered praise for the Oklahoman plate move, stating on her FaceBook page:

"P. Obama needs to come clean about being born so far away in Kenya and not in America. And it is far away. I mean gosh, I can't even see that place from my house!"

[Check out this video: several Republican Congressman say they don't believe Barack Obama is an American. Several dodge the question. Several run like hell from the reporter. Others offer weak-tea justifications for kinda-sorta believing Obama is a natural born citizen, Constitutionally fit to hold the office of President of the United States of America. Only one, Trent Franks of Arizona, gives a correct and clear answer, but even he can't help himself from suggesting that Obama is facilitating Jihad and turning America into a socialist state.]

And in other news, U.S. District Court Judge Clay Land has thrown out a complaint questioning the president's birth from an Army captain fighting deployment to Iraq and gave a warning to her lawyer, crazy birther maven Orly Taitz.



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KANYE WEST DIES IN BALLOONING PUBLICITY STUNT GONE WRONG

Kanye West, a rapper known for yelling at people, died yesterday after falling out of his homemade air balloon while soaring over Los Angeles in what authorities say was an attempt to make people like him. He was 14 years old.

Witnesses say West was floating somewhere above downtown Los Angeles when he spotted a little girl buying some balloons from a street vendor. Believing the girl intended to steal his thunder, West attempted to go yell at her, forgetting that he was hundreds of feet in the air.

He plummeted to the Earth's surface and died instantly.

Police say West's recent embarrassment at MTV's Video Music Awards, where he graphically raped Taylor Swift on live television as the stunned studio audience watched in terror, spurred the creation of a homemade "forgiveness balloon".

"We believe Mr. West intended to regain positive public sentiment by delighting Los Angeles with some high-flying rapping, using a crude balloon made out of garbage bags that vaguely resembled his face," said a representative from the Los Angeles Police Department.

Manfred Palmer, one of West's publicists, claims the rapper was also angling for a reality show in which he would journey all around the world in his homemade balloon to help people.

"Some people forget that Kanye was one of the most intelligent and socially-conscious people of our time," sobbed Palmer. "He had big plans for his balloon show. He would always say to me, 'Manny, if I had my balloon show when Katrina hit, New Orleans would've been okay.'"

West also planned for at least one episode where he would float to meetings of world leaders, and then interrupt them in order to lay down the truth about things.

Still, media analysts believe that now, West will be remembered not for a TV show that never was, or even his rap music, but for his balloon stunt.

"Kanye's balloon has really captured our hearts and minds," said one blogger enthusiastically. "I can't wait to see what that guy is going to come up with next to get our attention!"

Others decried the attention paid to West, using it as a platform to indict modern journalism -- or the lack thereof -- as a whole.

Dr. Thad Jones, a sociologist at Brown University, complained that "we are entering a frightening time in which irrelevant entertainment 'news' is given far too much attention. We didn't have this kind of thing in the 70s. Except for maybe [daredevil biker] Evel Knievel. But that was important social commentary!"

It remains unclear whether or not Kanye West will return from the grave to rap again, as previous once-dead rappers Notorious BIG and Tupac Shakur did. However, if he waits too long, he may have to contend with much more advanced attention-grabbing tactics, says Dr. Jones.

"Now that we've all seen someone floating around in a homemade balloon, it's going to take a lot more to impress us in the future," he said.

Thanks to some of my commenters for the Kanye comments that inspired today's blog.

I had the comments closed because after 200 comments on the last blog about Balloon Boy,
I figured WTF!?! enough was enough. Buffy said I should re-open comments because this blogpost was primarily about Kanye West and not Balloon Boy, so I said 'Yes, Dear'.

C'ya whenever I feel like blogging again, or until some politician's or other asshole's behavior immediately deserves my particular satirical flogging. -Dr. B.



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MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WASTE ENTIRE FUCKING AFTERNOON ON BALLOON BOY

COLORADO - Moments after a little boy who was believed to be in his parents' homemade helium balloon was found safe and sound, millions of Americans came to the realization that they had flushed the entire fucking afternoon down the fucking toilet.

"I watched the entire drama unfold and then it turned out that no drama had unfolded," said Carol Foyler, 32, of Missoula, Montana. "I can't tell you how pissed I am at that fucking kid."

At their Colorado home, the parents of six-year-old Falcon Heene said that they were relieved that their son was all right and that they were pushing forward with their plans to build a giant child-operated flame-throwing robot.

MOON RETALIATES AGAINST EARTH FOR BOMBING CRATER; OBAMA APOLOGIZES TO MOON

WASHINGTON - One hour after NASA spacecrafts barreled into the moon at twice the speed of a bullet in search of ice, the moon launched a series of projectiles toward earth in apparent retaliation.

At least four of the moon’s projectiles landed in the Indian Ocean, but no casualties have been reported. One of the projectiles was the plaque left on the moon by Apollo 11 astronauts following the first moon landing in 1969. Its words ”We came in peace for all mankind” were crossed out with red paint and the words “DIE PIGS!” were scrawled on it. Vice President Joe Biden told a reporter that the moon might be sending the earth a message.

President Obama, with his newly awarded Nobel Peace Prize slung around his neck, sent an urgent video message to the moon in which he apologized “for all of earth’s intrusions on the lunar way of life,” and promised to help rebuild the moon with reparations.

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