U.S. Promises Smooth Transfer of Quagmire from Afghanistan to Syria

 

Supporters of the United States’ twelve-year quagmire in Afghanistan cheered the news today that the U.S. would strive to achieve a seamless transfer of that quagmire to Syria, effective immediately.

Army Gen. Martin Dempsey, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, sought to reassure those who were concerned that the U.S. withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan signaled a wavering of the nation’s commitment to being mired in open-ended military muddles.

“I can tell you, right here and right now, that the U.S. is every bit as determined to engage in an ill-defined, ill-advised and seemingly interminable mission in Syria as we were in Afghanistan,” Gen. Dempsey said. “All that’s changing is the Zip Code.”

General Dempsey said that the same tribal hatreds, sectarian violence, and untrustworthy alliances that made Afghanistan a quicksand-like morass are very much in evidence in Syria: “I am confident that we could be involved in Syria for many, many years before figuring out why we are there.”

Harland Dorrinson, executive director of the National Quagmire Institute, a think tank dedicated to promoting the United States’ involvement in intractable conflicts around the globe, said he found General Dempsey’s words about Syria reassuring: “I felt a lot better after hearing what he had to say, and I know a lot of defense contractors felt the same way.”


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Obama, Putin Agree Never to Speak to Each Other Again

 The G8 summit ended today on a constructive note, with President Obama and Russia’s Vladimir Putin reaching a broad agreement never to speak to each other again.

“It’s better this way,” said Mr. Obama, frostily standing in the general vicinity of Mr. Putin for the last time ever. “We truly despise each other.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Mr. Putin, looking as though he had just smelled something bad. “My hatred of this man knows no bounds.”

According to the agreement, economic cooperation, cyber security, human rights, the war in Syria, and the New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s missing Super Bowl ring are among thirty-seven different topics that the two men will never again discuss.

Additionally, at all future summits, if either Mr. Obama or Mr. Putin enters a room the other man will be obligated to leave immediately.

The two men reached agreement on an unprecedented number of points, including never contacting each other via telephone or e-mail and keeping a minimum of five hundred feet away from each others residences.

After signing the agreement, the two men shook hands for the final time and scowled bitterly for photographers.


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Americans Sent Over a Hundred Million Father’s Day Messages, Says N.S.A.

 

 Americans sent over a hundred million Father’s Day messages on Sunday, the National Security Agency reported today. 

The hundred-million number, while robust, falls short of the hundred and twenty million Mother’s Day messages collected by the N.S.A. in May.

The difference between the two figures is “not surprising,” said N.S.A. director General Keith B. Alexander. He added, “On the whole, mothers take Mother’s Day more seriously—if the e-mails we read by mothers whose children forgot are any indication.”

General Alexander said that the agency collected in the neighborhood of two to three million such e-mails from angry mothers this year.

The N.S.A. director added that the agency had not foiled any terror plots over the weekend but did uncover between thirty and forty thousand extramarital relationships.


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Murdoch Divorce Stuns Satan

 

Word that the News Corporation chief executive Rupert Murdoch has filed for divorce from his wife, Wendi Deng, came as a “total surprise” to longtime Murdoch confidant Satan, the Lord of the Underworld said today.

“I am totally blindsided by this,” Satan told reporters. “He and I talk every day.”

Citing his long history with the media titan, the Hound of Hell said, “We go way back. I gave him the idea for Fox News. I told him to hire Roger Ailes. That’s why this is such a shock.”

A frequent dining companion of the Murdochs, Satan said he “didn’t have a clue that they were having problems.”

“I’ve had dozens of dinners with them in the Hamptons,” he said. “Did they bicker? No more than other couples. But they seemed to be on the same page about all the important things, like creating corrupt media monopolies and buying politicians. I thought they were for keeps.”

Adding that he “cares deeply about his friends,” Satan said the news about the Murdochs had hit him especially hard: “I was just starting to get over the Putins.”

The Prince of Darkness said he first got word of the Murdoch divorce about an hour before the official announcement: “My banker at Goldman Sachs called and told me to sell my News Corp. stock right away.”


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A Letter from President Barack Obama to Verizon Customers

Today, President Obama issued the following letter to all Verizon customers:

Dear Verizon Customers,

Yesterday it came to light that the National Security Agency has been collecting millions of phone records from you each and every day. Since that news was released, many of you have called the White House with questions and concerns about this new program. To save my time and yours, here are answers to three of the F.A.Q.s (Frequently Asked Questions) we’ve been hearing from you:

1. Will I be charged extra for this service?

I’m happy to say that the answer is no. While the harvesting and surveillance of your domestic phone calls were not a part of your original Verizon service contract, the National Security Agency is providing this service entirely free of charge.

2. If I add a phone to my account, will those calls also be monitored?
 
Once again, the answer is good news. If you want to add a child or any other family member to your Verizon account, their phone calls—whom they called, when, and the duration of the call—will all be monitored by the United States government, at no additional cost.

3. Can the National Security Agency help me understand my Verizon bill?
 
Unfortunately, no. The National Security Agency has tried, but failed, to understand Verizon’s bills. Please call Verizon customer service and follow the series of electronic prompts.

I hope I’ve helped clear up some of the confusion about this exciting new program. But if you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to call the White House. Joe Biden is standing by.

God bless America,

President Obama


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Obama Under Fire for Using Free Government Housing

 

In the latest scandal to rock the Obama Administration, a leading Republican congressman accused the President today of using his position to obtain free government housing for himself and his family. 

According to Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin), Mr. Obama “has arrogantly exploited the office of President to gain access to a fifty-five-thousand-square-foot residence that could double as a museum.”


“While the average American is struggling to pay his bills, President Obama is living in a luxury home, adorned with priceless paintings and antiques as far as the eye can see,” Rep. Ryan alleged.

Additionally, the Wisconsin congressman said, the President has availed himself of “sumptuous free meals—breakfast, lunch, and dinner—all on the taxpayer’s nickel.”

“Day after day, he selfishly sucks on Uncle Sam’s teat,” he said.

In keeping with Mr. Obama’s bloated lifestyle as “Superstar-in-Chief,” the congressman added, “The President travels with an entourage of highly trained bodyguards who would put Jay-Z’s posse to shame.”

Drawing a line in the sand, the Republican warned Mr. Obama to cut back on his lavish living arrangements “or face possible impeachment.” “Across America, people are tightening their belts,” Rep. Ryan said. “The President should not be living like a head of state.”


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Congress’s Average I.Q. Expected to Rise in 2015

 

The average I.Q. of a member of the House of Representatives is expected to rise sharply in 2015, experts said today.

The experts, who indicated that they were “cautiously optimistic” about the development, said that the gains were most likely to be made in the Midwest.

The expected rise in I.Q. could mean that the average congressperson would have a greater grasp of basic concepts in math and science, including the law of evolution, as well as addition and subtraction.

The last time a branch of the federal government experienced such a significant increase in average I.Q., experts said, was the executive branch in 2009.


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