The shot, taken by Brian Kersey for Getty Images, caught Blagojevich as he was leaving his home Thursday morning through a back alley-- and passing by a city rat control sign.
.
Disgraced financier Bernie Madoff offered a partial mea culpa for his massive Ponzi scheme today, telling reporters that he blamed his "youth and immaturity" for his poor judgment in the matter.
"You have to understand, when this scheme really got out of hand I was only a lad in my sixties," Mr. Madoff said.
Reflecting on his role in the fraud, which wound up bilking $50 billion from unwitting investors, Mr. Madoff said, "I think I felt under pressure to become the biggest scumbag of all time."
But Mr. Madoff pleaded for understanding, explaining, "You do all kinds of crazy things when you're at an impressionable age like 60 or 61."
In the interest of "giving something back," Mr. Madoff said he hoped to make a tour of investment houses and warn brokers in their forties and fifties against starting Ponzi schemes of their own: "I want to get to them while they're still kids."
In other business news, GM and Chrysler revealed their rescue plans, which call for the two 
auto giants to stop making cars and become banks instead.
After reviewing the size of the bailouts that the government has offered to the nation's banks, GM chairman Rick Wagoner said, "Only a total loser would keep making cars."
The CEOs of GM and Chrysler said that in their first official act as banks they would award themselves $10 million bonuses and fly to the Cayman Islands.
.
chimpanzees are known to start becoming dangerous at the age of 5 (when it is probably best to introduce them to a sanctuary since it is quite common for them to start to exhibit aggressive behavior toward their owners at this time). And all it takes is once folks, when your dealing with 200 pounds of taught compact muscle and primal instinct. The average male chimp has four to five times the upper-body strength than his human counterpart and while that might come in handy while trying to open that stubborn pickle jar, it is bound to backfire when he's feeling a mite testy because his grooming is not up to par or the nice old lady refuses to give him a ride in the Vroom Vroom.
"As a country, THIS is how far up shit's creek we are presently."
"Ok, I've had it up to here with the questions about my eyebrows!"
"The US can't afford a 'high five' anymore, so this is a 'high two and half.'"
Timothy Geithner tries to sell his auto bail out plan by showing how much BS it will take to convince the American public that there will be oversight this time.
"You must be this tall to ride the stimulus package."
"OK. Think of America as this airplane. Now imagine the financial industry as a flock of geese...."
.
Your high school boyfriends.
The Kingston Trio.
Republican bigwigs.
I don't know about the other two, but I used to buy pot from the one in the middle.
(To find the answer go here.)
Frustrated in his attempts to find someone willing to be Commerce Secretary since his first nominee New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson withdrew, followed by Republican Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire abruptly withdrawing as well, President-Actually Barack Obama today turned to Craigslist, the popular online classifieds site. "The position of Commerce Secretary is too important to remain unfilled another day," Mr. Obama said. "That's why it is absolutely essential that this Craigslist thing work."
The president's online gambit seemed to pay off early in the day, when Josh Hurtstein, an indie rock musician from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, tentatively accepted the post.
But hours later, Mr. Hurtstein did an about-face, withdrawing his name from consideration with the following terse statement: "At first I was like, that would be awesome, but I didn't realize I would have to move."
For his part, Mr. Obama said he would continue his search on Craigslist, adding, "While I have not yet found a Commerce Secretary there I did just find a great pair of skis."
President Jokes About Commerce Secretary at Lincoln Tribute:
.
Dear America,
Happy Valentine's Day. There, now that that's out of the way:
There has been much confusion about what our position was on the $787 billion, 1,071-page economic stimulus bill that has just passed Congress with no Republican votes in the House and only three Republican votes in the Senate. President-Actually Obama and Congressional Democrats even trimmed over $53 billion specifically to get us to vote for the bill, but we still voted no. We would like the American people to know why we did so:
First and foremost: lizard marshmallow hat in the wicker basket goes nefarious.
Second: All couch fur in pothole will be goat cheese on a sliding scale. Pearls are carrots drill bit woodpecker equally.
Third: Monkey farts on the naval base gets pitched to solar backgammon limitations. If there are no arias being sung in Poughkeepsie the maple tree gets ranch dressing. Note: Stinky mop excites the trousers.
In the event of a cordless manhole cover, the Easter Bunny gets towel rack plus nuclear pudding.
Above all, lawn chairs will graze on the mixing bowls in toll baskets.
We hope this helps cut through the clutter to give you a better idea of what we as a party stand for---and have to offer the nation---in this most difficult time.
Sincerely,
Your Republican Party Leadership
(Your job, dear Commenters, is to reply to the above letter in the language these obstructionist Republicans understand: Can a bird kill its monkeys? Lick the nucleus and tell me gradients!)
.
While you read this, Alaska's First Dude, Todd Palin, is riding a snowmobile -- I'm sorry, snow machine -- 1971 miles from Big Lake to Fairbanks. In the course of performing this awesome feat, his Arctic Cat's powerful two-stroke engine will emit the same amount of hydrocarbons as an automobile driving from Chicago to San Francisco and back 150 times.
A small price for the rest of us to pay to honor the indomitability of the human spirit and one man's ability to sit and hold on.
It's not just a blaze of glory and aromatic hydrocarbon. A conventional two-stroke engine emits as much as a quarter of its fuel unburned, directly into the air. This week, as a participant in the Iron Dog™ snow machine race, Todd Palin will release as many cancer-causing and smog-forming pollutants as a Chevy Malibu driven around the Earth at its equator 28 times.
Seems like a lot of work, just to get away from Sarah Palin.
But Todd's not just doing it because he hates his home life and likes things that make loud noises and emit benzene. He does it because it's there. And for hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash and gifts from corporations who do business with the Governor's office.
For riding a snowmobile.
Something you could train a bear to do.
The Emperor Nero used to clean up at the Olympic games. It was eerie. He won everything. According to Suetonius, he once won a chariot race despite falling off and not finishing the course. That's how good he was. He also never wore the same clothes twice. So he would have fit right in with the Palins there also.
I'm not insinuating anything. I'm just saying.
The total purse value of this year's Iron Dog™ is $159,050. The sponsors include the petroleum giants Tesoro and Conoco-Phillips; State Farm, Wells Fargo, Frontier Airlines, Alaska Airlines and the Alaska First National Bank.
The Iron Dog™ has fewer than 40 entrants a year, and one of them is always Todd.
Does this smell? I'm probably the wrong person to ask. I hate the cold and I think motor sports is an oxymoron. But he is Alaska's First Lady, and Tesoro is an oil company.
Let's say this was Louisiana in the '30s. If Texaco sponsored a pancake-eating contest, and Huey Long's wife kept winning it, there would have been talk.
To be fair, Todd can't win the whole purse. There are lots of little door prizes just for rookies and women and steak dinners for Cutest Hat. Just like in Jack London days.
And, to be fair, Todd doesn't always walk away from the camping trip with the hundred grand first prize. He's only won four times.
Once after Sarah was elected to the Wasilla City Council, once after she was elected mayor, the year she was appointed to the Alaska Oil and Gas Commission, and the year she was elected governor.
Wall Street execs responded today to President-Actually Obama's angry denunciation of their recent round of bonuses, saying that they were ready to knuckle down and make some real bonuses, endure true bonuses, and even brave possible bonuses in order to help their companies and the country find its way out of a crippling economic downturn.
"I think President-Actually Obama is right," said CEO Martin Randolph, head of Entropy Manufacturing, the largest manufacturing company in the United States. "The situation is urgent. The board and I have decided that we must take drastic action and give ourselves bonuses right away, before it is too late."
But some CEOs responded strongly to President-Actually Obama's words. "If not bonuses, then what do we give ourselves?" said Brett Ratner, chief executive of Globutronics. "Bonuses are pretty much the only assets left to take."
"It is a common misconception that bonuses should be related to profits," explained Prof. Ernest Pyle, an expert on economics and a member of the boards of over 65 embattled, now-crappy companies. "Bonuses have to remain high in order that companies can continue to attract great CEOs after, say, they've been reorganized under bankruptcy proceedings."
The GOP leadership assailed Obama's words tonight, saying his words reflected a lack of understanding about righting the American financial system. "The only thing that will stimulate the economy is cutting taxes on these CEO's bonuses," said Sen. Mitch McConnell. "Nothing else."
Barack Obama called Wall Street executives who awarded themselves $18.4 billion at the end of 2008 as "shameful." What do you think?
Jerrod Kissin,
Systems Analyst
"He was being presidential but I would have been fine with him calling them fucking assholes."
Gina Ahlquist,
Production Planner
"Damn right it's shameful! These guys should hire some people to hang their heads in an act of contrition."
Jeffrey Brooks,
CEO
"Unfortunately, as a corporate executive, I don't possess the emotional faculties required to empathize with other humans or to register this feeling you know as 'shame.'"
Taking issue with CEOs such as Mr. Brooks, President-Actually Obama says Wall Street's bonuses to execs are "shameful:
In the first major initiative of his presidency, President-Actually Barack Obama today dispatched Vice President Joe Biden on what he called “an important and special mission” to Antarctica.All kidding aside, I picked on Vice President-Actually Joe Biden today because he recently made the news on Saturday (Feb. 7). He spoke at an international security conference in Germany, repeating President-Actually Barack Obama's vow that the U.S. will adhere to its values and not torture, and will close the detention center. Here's the vid:
Here's a link to Reuter's video (I didn't post the video itself because it's a 'channel' with many stories, but Biden's is first):
http://www.reuters.com/news/video?videoId=98317&newsChannel=newsOne
.
Branchflower Investigation?
James Dobson Legal Offense Fund?
Todd Palin & Co. in Contempt of Senate?
PRICELESS!
Last July 14, Alaskan lawmakers unanimously voted to investigate the abuse of power allegations against Governor Sarah Palin. At the time, the Governor welcomed the chance to clear the air and had directed her staff to cooperate with the investigations.
On August 29, 2008 everything changed. Sarah Palin was picked to be John McCain's running mate. Formerly cooperative witnesses now had to be subpoenaed. They ignored their subpoenas. Was there witness tampering? What was Alaska Attorney General Talis Colberg's role?
At 10:09am on February 6, 2009, Senate Resolution #5 passed 16-1. This resolution finds the witnesses who ignored their subpoenas GUILTY OF CONTEMPT of the Alaska State Senate.
There was very little discussion on the floor.
This weekend is the Iron Dog Snowmachine Race. Todd Palin will drive his machine to Nome with a new cloud over his head: Todd Palin is in contempt of the Alaska State Senate.
Here's a video of Senator Hollis French introducing Senate Resolution 5:
Olympic gold medalist and world record-holder Michael Phelps admitted to "stupid" behavior, after a photo of him smoking from a marijuana pipe was published by a UK tabloid. "I'm 23, so sometimes I act stupid," said Phelps in a statement. "Sometimes I smoke marijuana. Sometimes I break world records. And I am sorry."
The marijuana pipe photo, an exclusive to the tabloid, was the most disturbing image from a five page spread on Phelps, which included photos of him punching an unidentified female, as well as a photo in which he is triumphantly standing above the slaughtered bodies of four homeless men.
"This type of behavior is unacceptable from a role model," said captain Jim Long, an officer with the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. "For Phelps to smoke marijuana, it's just horrible. I'm speechless."
"I'm not sure about it, but I think it might be worth putting an asterisk after his name in the record books -- who knows how hopped up on hoo-jobs he was when he swam in the Olympics?" said Tom Daschle, who recently declined the nomination to serve as the Secretary of Health and Human Services due to unpaid taxes. "I believe that drugs are wrong. In fact, they are way worse than not paying your taxes. I think we can all agree on that. Ahem."
USA Swimming has already suspended Phelps for 3 months without financial support (with $100 million in expected lifetime endorsements, I'm guessing Phelps isn't living on USA Swimming's stipends anyway).
On the other hand, USA Swimming can't be all that mad at the Olympic champion. His suspension will end just in time to let Phelps participate in the 2009 World Swimming World Swimming Championships in Rome. Whew! That was a close one!
Additionally, the International Olympic Commission stated it will investigate the marijuana photo, which "calls into question" Phelps' dedication to "remain drug free".
"We will evaluate whether it will be acceptable for Mr. Phelps to ever compete in the Olympics again," said the president of IOC, Jacques Rogge. "Smoking marijuana may be the greatest offense ever committed by an athlete, ever."
This is only slightly more embarrassing than Phelps' other punishment, the loss of a cereal deal that expired this month anyway, for Kellogg's Corn Flakes, which Phelps doesn't even eat. Unless he's toasted. Here's a GGGRRREAT site: http://thekelloggboycott.com/
It is currently unclear if the photo has inspired millions of young, aspiring swimmers to fall into the drug-loving lifestyle of Phelps, but some experts believe that it will not be long.
"Studies have shown that within five minutes of seeing their role models behave in a specific way, 98% of children under the age of 2 years old will imitate that behavior," said US Attorney Michael Sullivan, director of the U.S. Bureau for Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. "I've done the math: because of this photo, there are now approximately 68 million toddlers addicted to weed in the United States."
Sullivan believes that the only way to limit the damage is to persuade Phelps to appear in a series of advertisements aimed at convincing children that what he did was wrong.
"For example, there could be several detailed shots of Michael buying a bag of marijuana from the bad kid outside the playground, then carefully rolling a joint and smoking it," he said. "After a sequence of him laughing with his friends, Michael would come back on the screen and say, 'When you smoke weed, it makes your mom feel sad.'"
The series of ads would cost over $500 billion to produce, including at least $25 to get some good weed for Phelps to smoke.
Worsterest of all, though, what about the endorsements? All those fine, generous corporations gave this miscreant millions and asked only that he shill their very excellent products in return. Now their dreams of enlarging their market share lay dashed on the floor like so many stems and seeds, with no hope of recompense.
Who else could possibly inform the public of the high quality and exceptional value to be found in Corn Flakes, Speedo tight pants and Rosetta Stone software? Kelly Slater? An animated otter? Some lousy comedian/actor? Bah!
He was our golden boy, our shining knight, our sparkly merman, so very very good at swimming. And I hardly need to tell you how important that is in a swimming-centric society such as ours. He was the only one with the ability to plumb the furthest reaches of our coastal coves and rocky outcroppings to fetch the precious pearls we so desperately need to save our economy. Now, our ruin is all but certain. Tell us, Michael, why do you love your drugs more than you love America?
MICHAEL PHELPS REACTS TO HIS SUSPENSION, FRIDAY FEBRUARY 6th
.
LOS ANGELES (italics mine) — Christian Bale says he acted like a "punk" and that his profane tongue-lashing on the set of "Terminator Salvation" was inexcusable.
In Friday 02/06/09 remarks on a Los Angeles morning radio show, Bale said he never intended to get physical with cinematographer Shane Hurlbut. He also said he was likely channeling too much of his character, John Conner (if you listen to the tape, you can hear Bale's accent switching back and forth).
Bale also told the "Kevin and Bean" show on KROQ 106.7 that he and Hurlbut reconciled and worked together for another month following the tirade.
The outburst, which occurred last year on the set in New Mexico, was posted this week on the celebrity gossip site TMZ. It has become an Internet sensation, inspiring a music remix, spoofs, and punch lines for the "Kevin and Bean" show.
http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b98799_christian_bale_apologizes_potty_mouth.html
At a press conference in Washington today, President-Actually Barack Obama repeatedly refused to answer questions about the size of his package, calling the subject "a personal matter."
Again and again, reporters attempted to get Mr. Obama to tell them exactly how big his package was, but the President-Actually was steadfast in his refusal to quantify it.
"If I tell you the size of my package, some of you will think that it sounds too small, " he said. "And others will be uncomfortable with how big it is."
The President-Actually seemed to indicate, however, that the size of his package may vary according to the circumstances.
"Depending on what is going on, my package could grow significantly larger," he said. "It all comes down to the amount of stimulus."
The President-Actually apologized for his vagueness about his package, telling reporters, "I know you're having a hard time getting your arms around it."
Mr. Obama's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, later indicated that the President-Actually does plan on unveiling his package for the American people, probably at State of the Union address.
"This will give the American people an opportunity to finally grasp his package," Mr. Emanuel said.
.
Olympic champion Michael Phelps weighed in today on Sunday night's Super Bowl, congratulating the Arizona Cardinals on their "awesome victory."
"The Cardinals really tore it up last night," said Mr. Phelps, who said he saw almost the entire game until he got "a wicked attack of the munchies" late in the fourth quarter.
"Maybe it was the Doritos commercial, I don't know, but suddenly I got unbelievably hungry," said Mr. Phelps, giggling uncontrollably. "I was like, man, I have got to get me some chips, stat!"
Mr. Phelps said that once he got to his kitchen, he became distracted when he noticed that his hand appeared to be growing.
"I must have been staring at my hand for half an hour," he said. "It was kind of fascinating."
The Olympian said that by the time he returned from the kitchen, the game was already over, "so I didn't get to see the awesome moment when the Cardinals actually won, but I'm sure that was bodacious."
Mr. Phelps said he celebrated the Cardinals' victory by eating four bags of Doritos and swimming a victory lap on his living room rug.
(For those who think I'm making this shit up, here's a link to one of many news articles on Phelps, and for those that don't get the joke, the Pittsburgh Steelers won. Now get it?)
.
One week into his Presidency, Barack Obama gets high marks in a new poll, with a majority of Americans agreeing with the statement, "Barack Obama is even more awesome than I originally thought."
The percentage of voters who believe that Mr. Obama is awesome surged during his first week in office, with 82% thinking he is awesome now compared to 77% who deemed him awesome last week.
And in the latest measure of his popularity, Mr. Obama receives higher approval ratings in the new poll than either leprechauns or unicorns, mythical beings that almost everyone agrees are totally awesome.
In a head-to-head contest, Mr. Obama beats leprechauns and unicorns combined, garnering 64% compared to 21% for leprechauns, 14% for unicorns, and 1% for Congressman Ron Paul.
Mr. Obama remains wildly popular among women, with 72% of the women polled saying that they have experienced longer, more powerful orgasms since he was sworn in as President.
"I definitely won't have to fake them like I did for the last eight years," said housewife Tracy Klujian of Madison, Wisconsin, who reported having a four-minute climax while watching the inauguration on MSNBC. "That's change I can believe in."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
As you know, I am a big fan of President-Actually Obama.
So is he.
Anyway, because he is our new Comedian-In-Chief , I feel he would approve of this blog's humor, especially after I read the excerpts of his Alfalfa Club Dinner remarks Saturday night, as released by the White House. More info about the dinner can be found here.
"I am seriously glad to be here tonight at the annual Alfalfa dinner. I know that many you are aware that this dinner began almost one hundred years ago as a way to celebrate the birthday of General Robert E. Lee. If he were here with us tonight, the General would be 202 years old. And very confused.""Now, this hasn't been reported yet, but it was actually Rahm's idea to do the swearing-in ceremony again. Of course, for Rahm, every day is a swearing-in ceremony."
"But don't believe what you read. Rahm Emanuel is a real sweetheart.
No, it's true. Every week the guy takes a little time away to give back to the community. Just last week he was at a local school, teaching profanity to poor children."
"But these are the kind of negotiations you have to deal with as President. In just the first few weeks, I've had to engage in some of the toughest diplomacy of my life. And that was just to keep my Blackberry. I finally agreed to limit the number of people who could email me. It's a very exclusive list. How exclusive?
Everyone look at the person sitting on your left... Now look at the person sitting on your right... None of you have my email address."
Looking to Joe Lieberman, the Democrat-turned-independent-turned McCain supporter, Obama told the Connecticut senator he had no hard feelings.
"The door is always open," Obama assured Lieberman, who observes the Sabbath, "so feel to drop by—any Saturday afternoon."
To Palin (yes, she made sure she was there - see below), Obama expressed surprise to see her with such members of the Washington elite she railed against during the campaign. Or, as he termed it in language Palin is familiar with, “palling around with this crew.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Remember when I said, "Yes, she made sure she was there - see below? OK, now you're below, and you guys will love this. When House Republicans planned their annual winter retreat, they extended an invitation to Alaska Gov. Sara Palin, hoping the party's 2008 vice presidential nominee would give a morale-building speech (in tongues? see cartoon below) to the more than 130 Republican members of Congress gathered this weekend in Hot Springs, Va.
Retreat organizers said that Palin politely declined, giving a perfectly understandable reason: according to the Congressional Institute, which hosted the conference, Palin said she simply could not make it to the retreat because pressing ALASKAN STATE BUSINESS made it impossible for her to leave Alaska this weekend. Uh huh...
So where was Palin this weekend? She was in Washington, D.C., attending the super-elite ALFALFA DINNER. Actual quote in Palinspeak (more): "The Alfalfa dinner, yes, in fact that's because President Obama is scheduled to be there," Palin said. "And how often will I have an opportunity to have dinner with the president? I will take up that offer to do so."
"She lied to us," said a Republican at the retreat.
Asked why Palin told the Republicans she could not leave Alaska this weekend, Palin spokesman Bill McAllister offered this non-responsive answer:
"My understanding is that the governor has not scheduled any partisan events on her current trip to D.C.," McAllister told ABC News.
The House Republicans seemed to do just fine without Palin. Their list of speakers included Republican stars Michael Steele, Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty and Newt Gingrich.
Asked about Palin's no-show, House Republican leader John Boehner shrugged.
"Whatever," Boehner said.
.
