THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME

The World According to ME hasn't had a new blogpost in twenty days.

BECAUSE:

I've already satirized the BP Oil fuckup, but since the mess hasn't been fixed, it's still in the news today as the non-stop oil continues to come ashore and destroy the Little Mermaid's habitat...

I've already satirized the Texas Board of Ed Textbook shit, and that's still in the news today because the fundie idiots just ratified the textbook changes the other day...

I've already satirized the Pedophile Priests & the Pope, and that's still in the news today as the Catholic Church PR machine trolls ever onward...

I've already satirized the Arizona Immigration Law, and that's still in the news today ...

etc. etc. etc. etc.


THEREFORE:

Don't expect a new comment-worthy blog from me until something FUCKING NEW happens!!



ON THE OTHER HAND:

Because something new DID happen, I actually DO have the following satirical blog for you but DO NOT want to hear 200 comments dissing one of my favorite shows - Lost - now that it has concluded. So I'm closing comments. Deal with it. And have a happy Memorial Day weekend:


FORMER LOST VIEWERS GET SCI-FI FIX FROM FOX NEWS

Bereft of their favorite television series after its climactic finale on Sunday, millions of Lost fans are now getting their sci-fi fix from a different source: Fox News Channel.

Corky 'James' Tiberius, 27, a web designer and president of a local Lost fan club in Madison, Wisconsin, said that he watched Fox News for the first time today and was hooked: "It's sci-fi like Lost, but definitely a whole lot weirder."

Mr. Tiberius said that in the first fifteen minutes of watching Fox News "there were way more mysteries than in a season of Lost."

"Who are these people? Where did they come from? Are they even real? Or is this some kind of alternative universe?" he said of the Fox News personalities. "Whoever created this show has an awesome imagination."





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OIL SLICK POISONS GOD OF THE SEA

NEW ORLEANS -- Federal officials said that the growing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico had poisoned Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea and that last week's drilling rig explosion had damaged his trident.

Poseidon, brother of Zeus and Hades, has been soaked with 210,000 gallons of oil per day. "I'm the god of saltwater, not oil," he complained. "This shit is unbelievable."

Unable to leave his palace made of coral and gems, let alone drive his chariot pulled by giant seahorses, Poseidon surveyed his undersea kingdom while suffering crude oil poisoning, alternating between bouts of vomiting and depression.

The ocean deity brushed off criticism that the disaster was part of his well-known penchant for revenge on humans. "This is all BP's doing," he said. "BP stands for Bastard Petroleum -- not Blame Poseidon."

He said he would be unable to shake sense into the company or anyone else connected to offshore drilling, because his chief implement no longer worked. "Down here, it's trident, baby, trident," he said. "It'll take months to repair."

The aquatic immortal said that despite the disruption to the coastline, the ecosystem and the balance of nature, he had no doubt that BP would restore its name. "They've spilled oil before," he said. "If there's one thing they're good at cleaning up, it's their image."

Poseidon said he wasn't sure how much longer he could go on in his capacity as god of the sea. "I'm thinking I should change my title to god of foreseeable accidents, god of corporate justification or god of unsound energy policy," he said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get this sludge out of my gill."

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ARIZONA IMMIGRATION LAW NABS ILLEGAL SWEDES, POLES, ETC.

PHOENIX - A new law that requires police to question people about their immigration status if they suspect they are in the country illegally should help curb the flow of illegal Irish, Polish and Swedish immigrants through U.S. borders, say supporters.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, whose tough crackdowns have made him a hero in the anti-illegal immigration community, pointed out that the new law would not unfairly target Mexicans, as some of charged.

"The law gives police authority to question anyone they think is here illegally, not just people of Hispanic origin," he pointed out. "So if someone is very pale and blond, that might be cause to investigate as to whether they're here illegally from Sweden.

"Or they might be an albino, in which case they might be here illegally from Albania," he pointed out.

Besides skin shade and hair color, Arpaio said police will be trained to spot other characteristics that may denote whether someone might be in Arizona illegally. For instance:

- Funny accent;
- Sandals;
- Eating croissants and/or strudel;
- Spearing pigeons and putting them into a pillowcase for possible later consumption;
- Saying "coffee" like "cawfee."

"That could mean they're from New York," said Arpaio. "I hate New Yorkers." He noted, however, that since the law doesn't technically make it illegal for New Yorkers to be in Arizona, officers would just "give them a hard time."

While the new law has drawn protests around the state and the country, it has some high-profile supporters, such as Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who signed the bill last week. Brewer said she doesn't like the term "racial profiling," preferring instead to describe the newly proscribed methods as "pro-American policing," or PAP.

"Just look around - these people could be from anywhere," said Gov. Brewer, gesturing to the angry crowds gathered in protest around the Arizona Capitol. "There are a lot of very swarthy people there, and I think police need the freedom to question them as to their status."

When pointed out that the people could just be tanned as a result of living in Arizona, Brewer responded, "Can I see your papers, please?"

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KFC 'DOUBLE DOWN' SANDWICH TO SIGNAL NEW AUSTERITY

Americans were thrilled today to embrace a period of renewed austerity, jettisoning credit in favor of savings, rejecting needless extravagance in exchange for thrifty practicality, and they started with the American sandwich. Early this morning Americans threw away their buns and took up the KFC "Double Down" sandwich in signs that those who were making less bread were going to simply do without.

The "Double Down" -- named, appropriately, for a gambling procedure in which one dramatically takes on twice as much risk -- is a "sandwich" where the slices of bread have been replaced by two chicken cutlets, between which are pillowed slices of tasty American cheese, crispy bacon, and zesty but strangely yellow mayonnaise.

"It is "to die for" said one food critic. "I'm not kidding." He immediately collapsed and was carried away.

Americans waxed rhapsodic about the symbol of America's new look-reality-in-the-face back-to-basics lifestyle. "It is hard to believe that they made something so blissfully tasty without hardly any carbs," said Diana Sugartester of Indiana.

"Dieting has never felt so good," agreed fellow foodie Greg Shlub, a cosmetic surgeon with a mysterious limp.

"This just shows," said Senator Joe Lieberman, with his trademark wisdom, "that Americans can learn to get by with less."






New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less



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TEA PARTY MEMBERS ISSUE MANIFESTO

Members of the Tea Party Movement have, after almost a year of sometimes fractured and other times factionalized events and protests finally come together and issued their first cohesive list of core values (relax, I am making this up). The announcement was made at a Tax Day TP (think about those initials) express cross-country rally. The document is called "Our First Cohesive List Of Core Values...Until We Can All Agree On A Better Name, That Is."

Unfortunately, in its eagerness to acknowledge the concerns and convictions of everyone who is not actually a member of the Tea Party (because the Tea Party is not a Party but a Movement, and therefore has no members, as its members keep insisting), the document is 42,896 pages long and consists of 67,756 individual complaints and concerns ranging from anger and distrust of the Federal Government to questioning whether United States President Barack Obama was actually born a Black man in America or is he just a kinda White guy from Kenya, or Fiji, or some other damned foreign place and finally ending with the special concern of one of the delegates to the conference, Festus P. Hymen, that being, "Why is there never a decent goddamned parking space outside the Arby's in Billings, Montana?"

As a political thesis, it is brilliant in its clarity, monumental in its obtuseness and precise in its lack of specificity. It is also virtually unreadable. Still, there are some universal concerns that all nonmembers of the Movement seem to share. First and foremost among them seems to be whether or not the Tea Party is actually a legitimate political Party or instead a Movement. The question seems to be at the very heart of the Movement, or even at the bowels (making the TP a bowel movement?). Even the document's title (which is too much trouble to repeat here - see paragraph one) is perhaps the greatest tribute to the diverse nature of the Movement that is called the Tea Party.

Unnamed Tea Party Source Wegman (Pudgy) Watercloset, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained: "Members of the Tea Party always insist they're not members of a 'Tea Party'. That's how you know 'em. Because, you see, the Tea Party is not a Party, it's a Movement that just happens to be called a Party because it has the word Party in its name, but it's not. A Party, that is. It's a Movement...well, maybe it's a little of both, a Movement and a Party...or a Marty or a Povement, if you will. Anyway, if you say you're not a member of the Tea Party, then you are one. By the same token, if you say you are a member, you're not."

The two next greatest concerns, while seemingly completely dissimilar, often go hand in hand for most Tea...persons. These are the twin demons of abortion and runaway Federal spending. Watercloset, continuing to speak on the condition that if he inadvertently knocks up a drunk Tea Party chick at a rally somewhere she's got to keep the kid whether he's around or not and the government had better not support her with it either said, "You've got to understand, we want the government to keep out of everything, and by that I mean everything but abortion rights, of course. It's time for the Federal Government to get its hands out of the wallets of rich bankers and businessmen and back into women's vaginas where they belong."

The Manifesto is also somewhat surprising for what it does not contain as well. For instance, there are only 2,300 references to Sarah Palin, mostly referring to how cool it would be to have a hot looking redneck chick for a president. In contrast, it mentions that guy who got booted off CNN and went to Fox I think...oh, what's his name...Glenn Beck! him, 2,301 times, making him the clear spiritual leader of the Part...uh, Move...the MartyPovement.

The Manifesto is available as an app from the i-Tunes store (cost - $16.99, but you also get a free download of the 'Collected Works of Fred Phelps', a $20.00 value, included as well). It may also be found in book form at your local Wal-Mart (minus the Fred Phelps download) in the Lawn & Garden Department, near the five gallon pails of Ortho Round-up. For more information and a schedule of TP events, speak to your local TP representative; usually it's your Republican Committee, Council or Congressman. If they tell you they're not in the Tea Party, don't worry...just keep calling and calling them, or stand outside their homes until they break down and admit it. Then go away because they're lying to you. Such is the nature of 21st Century politics.

These are signs seen primarily at Tea Party Protests. They are unintentionally hilarious. They all feature "creative" spelling or grammar. This new dialect of the English language shall be known as .......... "Teabonics":

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pargon/sets/72157623594187379/

more: http://www.csmonitor.com/CSM-Photo-Galleries/In-Pictures/Copyediting-Tea-Party-protest-signs

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POPE: I THOUGHT PRIESTS WERE 'AMUSING' CHILDREN

VATICAN CITY - In the latest development in the ongoing Catholic Church child abuse scandal, Pope Benedict XVI is blaming his failure to stop pedophile priests on a hearing problem that has plagued him for decades, or at least since the first abuse reports surfaced.

"For years, I thought my aides were telling me that people had come forward to say the priests were amusing children in their parishes," said Benedict in a prepared statement released by the Vatican. "With laughter being one of God's greatest gifts to mankind, you can understand why I didn't think this would be a problem."

Benedict claims he reassigned the accused priests, rather than remove them from a position where they would come into contact with children, because he was trying to "spread the laughter. That's just the type of Pontiff I am. I love to laugh."

"Now I understand why the Cardinals would give me such funny looks when I would react with such delight every time the topic of children being amused came up," added the Pope, noting it was similar to the times when he would tell them long, wistful stories about his time spent in the Hitler Youth, only to find out recently that it wasn't actually the Bavaria chapter of the Boys & Girls Club.

Some are skeptical about the Pope's claims, though, pointing out that many of the accusations came in lengthy written reports outlining the potential scope of the abuse claims. But Benedict says most of his memos and reports were read to him by an aide who had a speech impediment, which compounded his hearing problem.

"For years when we were discussing keeping abortion under control, I thought the topic was portion control," explained the Pope. "Which frankly I could stand to have a little more of, the way I love that apfelstrudel."

Pope Benedict's claim comes at a time when the church is desperately trying to restore its image in the wake of the hundreds of abuse claims that have dogged it in recent years. To improve his image, the Pope has gone so far as to skate for the N.Y. Rangers vs. the N.J. Devils, and distribute hundreds of get-out-of-confession-free cards.

"We're getting a little tired of the whole confession thing," admitted one Vatican official who asked not be named. "I can't tell you how many people come into the booth now and say 'Bless me father, for YOU have sinned.' It gets old real fast."

Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi presented the Pope's statement at a press conference Saturday morning, prompting reporters to ask him if they honestly expected people to believe that the failure to effectively deal with hundreds of abuse claims over many decades could be attributed to the Pope being hard of hearing.

"Well, I'll say this about that," responded Father Lombardi, before shuffling his notes around a bit, pausing for a full two minutes, and then saying, "Um ... that's all we got."

Then he added, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go become Episcopalian."






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LARGE HADRON COLLIDER SMASHES PROTONS - UNIVERSE IS DESTROYED - YOUR READER COMMENTS

The European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, has announced a successful run of the $10-billion dollar Large Hadron Collider, which has been plagued for years with both technical problems and predictions that its use will cause the destruction of the Known Universe. And while scientists cheered as the Collider directed two proton beams into each other at three times more force than ever before, naysayers expressed a grim satisfaction as the Known Universe did indeed implode, just as they predicted. Here are some reader comments:

Festus P. Hyman of Billings, Montana said, "I knew it would happen, you know, the end of time and space and all that if they collided these protons, and when I woke up this morning and heard on the TV that the world had ended...well, I was upset, let me tell you. Why, just yesterday I fixed the damn gutter on my garage; turns out that with the world being destroyed and all, I could've just stayed inside and watched a re-run of "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?"

Unnamed Tea Bag Party Source, Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "We in the TB movement are justifiably incensed at the reckless use of so-called science that has once again resulted in the total destruction of everything. What is this, the sixth or seventh time now that the Godless scientific community has annihilated Mankind? Won't these people ever learn?"

Little Mikey Weiner, six year old grandson of Herb Allist of Brooklyn, NY, said, "Grandpa was screaming just the other day about the end of the world, but he thought it would be Obama's Healthcare thing that destroyed it or Nancy Pelosi, not this part...partic...particular thing. But Grandpa is always screaming about something...Momma says he just a savage and I shouldn't listen to him...so I didn't pay any attention. Good thing too, cause Mrs. Jensen said I still have to turn in my book report even if the Universe wasn't there to read it."

The utter destruction of Mankind and the Known Universe has also played havoc with stock markets around the world - the Dow Jones Industrial Average dipped .01% on the news and oil prices rose by ten cents per barrel amid speculation that without a solid planet to walk on, more people would be driving. Heating oil prices have also risen as oblivion is a cold, cold place.

The end of the Universe as we know it also has its bright side, of course. Fears of Global Warming have decreased markedly, as there is no longer a globe to warm, the glut of foreclosed and existing homes have eased dramatically and the crisis in the Middle East has disappeared, along with the rest of everything else. Plus, and most happily of all, you'll never have to worry about Sarah Palin becoming President.






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TO MY FELLOW CITIZENS, THE REPUBLICANS

To My Fellow Citizens, the Republicans:

Thanks to Sunday night's vote, that child of yours who has had asthma since birth will now be covered after suffering for her first nine years as an American child with a pre-existing condition.

Thanks to Sunday night's vote, that 23-year-old of yours who will be hit one day by a drunk driver and spend six months recovering in the hospital will now not go bankrupt because you will be able to keep him on your insurance policy.

Thanks to Sunday night's vote, after your cancer returns for the third time -- racking up another $200,000 in costs to keep you alive -- your insurance company will have to commit a criminal act if they even think of dropping you from their rolls.

Yes, my Republican friends, even though you have opposed this health care bill, we've made sure it is going to cover you, too, in your time of need. I know you're upset right now. I know you probably think that if you did get wiped out by an illness, or thrown out of your home because of a medical bankruptcy, that you would somehow pull yourself up by your bootstraps and survive. I know that's a comforting story to tell yourself, and if John Wayne were still alive I'm sure he could make that into a movie for you.

But the reality is that these health insurance companies have only one mission: To take as much money from you as they can -- and then work like demons to deny you whatever coverage and help they can should you get sick.

So, when you find yourself suddenly broadsided by a life-threatening illness someday, perhaps you'll thank those pinko-socialist, Canadian-loving Democrats and independents for what they did Sunday evening.

If it's any consolation, the thieves who run the health insurance companies will still get to deny coverage to adults with pre-existing conditions for the next four years. They'll also get to cap an individual's annual health care reimbursements for the next four years. And if they break the pre-existing ban that was passed last night, they'll only be fined $100 a day! And, the best part? The law will require all citizens who aren't poor or old to write a check to a private insurance company. It's truly a banner day for these corporations.

So don't feel too bad. We're a long way from universal health care. Over 15 million Americans will still be uncovered -- and that means about 15,000 will still lose their lives each year because they won't be able to afford to see a doctor or get an operation. But another 30,000 will live. I hope that's OK with you.

If you don't mind, we're now going to get busy trying to improve upon this bill so that all Americans are covered and so the grubby health insurance companies will be put out of business -- because when it comes to helping the sick, no one should ever be allowed to ask the question, "How much money can we save by making this poor bastard suffer?"

Please, my Republican friends, if you can, take a quiet moment away from your AM radio and cable news network and be happy for your country. We're doing better. And we're doing it for you, too.

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