AUSTIN, Texas – The United States Department Of Justice filed suit
against Texas yesterday, claiming that the state is “just too stupid.”
The suit seeks an immediate injunction against what is known, in Texas
jurisprudence, as “outright horse-assery.”
“We’ve thought long and hard about taking such a drastic measure,” Ms. Winslow stated, “but, frankly, enough is enough.”
Ms. Winslow made it clear that the suit should not be taken as a blanket indictment of all Texans.
“We’re perfectly aware that not everyone in Texas is a complete blunderhead,” she explained, “In fact, I’m quite sure that the vast majority of Texas citizens are reasonable and intelligent people. It is, in fact, in defense of the good name of the people of Texas that we’ve been forced to take legal action.”
A large portion of the press conference was spent detailing reasons why the suit was deemed necessary. The following is a brief summary of just a fraction of the items cited.
- Imposition of severe voter ID rules hours after the Supreme Court struck down essential provisions of the 1965 Voting Rights Act
- Outlawing the sale of Tesla Electric Vehicles in the state
- U. S. Rep. Lamar Smith calling for political litmus test for funding of NSF science research grants
- Texas Rep. Jodie Laubenberg claiming that “rape kits” can be used to provide abortions to rape victims
- Opposition to the teaching of critical thinking skills in schools
- Having Rick Perry remain Governor
“This may, in fact, be the case, but rest assured that this is not a partisan attack,” Ms. Winslow insisted, “This law suit is strongly supported by Democrats and Republicans alike. Some of the strongest advocates for legal action have been non-Texan Republicans who fear that their Lone Star counterparts are dragging the GOP’s reputation into the mud.”
After a round of hearty laughter from the audience subsided, Ms. Winslow continued.
“We realize that this suit sets a really terrible legal precedent,” she told reporters, “but, well, you know, damn…”
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