Boehner Confirms Obama Is Antichrist

 

Ohio Congressman and Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, John Boehner, confirmed popular suspicions today that President Barack Obama is, indeed, the Antichrist. Speaking at one of his famous “$25-a-hot dog” fund-raising events, Speaker Boehner made the statement during the “Budwiser Extreme Question-and-Answer Session, Brought To You By Budwiser Extreme Lite, Now In Cool Clear Ranch Flavor.”

“I can’t believe I kept a straight face the entire time,” Speaker Boehner told reporters shortly after the event was over, “I mean, I’ve said some crazy things in my time, believe me, but I never thought I’d ever get through this one without cracking up and totally blowing it, you know?”

Speaker Boehner is well-known for his ability to say the most god-awful things while maintaining the appearance of utmost sincerity.

“Honestly, that was the one place in Crazytown I swore to myself I’d never go,” Speaker Boehner said, referring to the belief – fervently-held by many of Boehner’s constituents – that President Obama is the Biblically-prophesied portent of the End Days known as the Antichrist, “But when that guy wearing the ‘God Hayts Figs’ t-shirt asked if it was true, well, after all these years something just snapped, I guess. I couldn’t help myself.”

Speaker Boehner snickered repeatedly while fixing himself another drink at his campaign-bus’s well-stocked bar.

“I mean, sure, it’s always been a big temptation, of course,” he explained, pouring a bag of corn-nuts into a bowl, “It’s just that I know it’s beneath even me. Well, what can I say? Frankly, I don’t really care enough to care anymore, but don’t quote me on that, right?”

With the burdens of office temporarily off his shoulders during the summer recess, Speaker Boehner is able to turn his attention to more important matters.

“Holding the entire federal government hostage, day in and day out, can get a bit tedious,” the Speaker confided as he smoothed out a couple papers on the bus’s fold-down card-table, “It’s really nice to get away from it all once in a while. You know, like that Pete Townsend song. I’m mobile, on the road, doing the dog-and-pony show. Yeah and getting paid, like that doesn’t mean something.”

Holding the roll-up between thumb and fingertip, Speaker Boehner stared out the window, watching the changing colors of sunset for a while as the bus rolled down the highway.

“The news dogs are gonna have my ass for a week over this, but I’ll ride it out, like always. I shudder to think what Stewart and Colbert come up with. Or maybe it’ll be over by the time they get back from vacation. Who knows,” the Speaker told reporters as he leaned forward to pass the roll-up, “Then again, why not? You gotta admit, it’s pretty funny. I mean, at this point, does anyone really take our shit seriously any more, anyway?”


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