While you read this, Alaska's First Dude, Todd Palin, is riding a snowmobile -- I'm sorry, snow machine -- 1971 miles from Big Lake to Fairbanks. In the course of performing this awesome feat, his Arctic Cat's powerful two-stroke engine will emit the same amount of hydrocarbons as an automobile driving from Chicago to San Francisco and back 150 times.
A small price for the rest of us to pay to honor the indomitability of the human spirit and one man's ability to sit and hold on.
It's not just a blaze of glory and aromatic hydrocarbon. A conventional two-stroke engine emits as much as a quarter of its fuel unburned, directly into the air. This week, as a participant in the Iron Dog™ snow machine race, Todd Palin will release as many cancer-causing and smog-forming pollutants as a Chevy Malibu driven around the Earth at its equator 28 times.
Seems like a lot of work, just to get away from Sarah Palin.
But Todd's not just doing it because he hates his home life and likes things that make loud noises and emit benzene. He does it because it's there. And for hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash and gifts from corporations who do business with the Governor's office.
For riding a snowmobile.
Something you could train a bear to do.
The Emperor Nero used to clean up at the Olympic games. It was eerie. He won everything. According to Suetonius, he once won a chariot race despite falling off and not finishing the course. That's how good he was. He also never wore the same clothes twice. So he would have fit right in with the Palins there also.
I'm not insinuating anything. I'm just saying.
The total purse value of this year's Iron Dog™ is $159,050. The sponsors include the petroleum giants Tesoro and Conoco-Phillips; State Farm, Wells Fargo, Frontier Airlines, Alaska Airlines and the Alaska First National Bank.
The Iron Dog™ has fewer than 40 entrants a year, and one of them is always Todd.
Does this smell? I'm probably the wrong person to ask. I hate the cold and I think motor sports is an oxymoron. But he is Alaska's First Lady, and Tesoro is an oil company.
Let's say this was Louisiana in the '30s. If Texaco sponsored a pancake-eating contest, and Huey Long's wife kept winning it, there would have been talk.
To be fair, Todd can't win the whole purse. There are lots of little door prizes just for rookies and women and steak dinners for Cutest Hat. Just like in Jack London days.
And, to be fair, Todd doesn't always walk away from the camping trip with the hundred grand first prize. He's only won four times.
Once after Sarah was elected to the Wasilla City Council, once after she was elected mayor, the year she was appointed to the Alaska Oil and Gas Commission, and the year she was elected governor.2009 Tesoro Iron Dog start with Sarah Palin waving the green flag
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75 comments:
"are you sure no one will notice that I keep winning every time she wins?"
"don't worry todd, no one will put it together. no one's that smart.. it'll look like a coincidence. every time."
Perhaps he isn't worried about the pollution cause he figures everything will be reset to a holy zero when the Rapture In Alaska comes...
It is disgusting that these people consider this a "sport", and even more disgusting that they have $159,000 in sponsored prizes. I imagine it won't be long until we have "Valdez Oil-Slick Days" celebrated up there somewhere.
Palin is also bashing the Stimulus Package on her facebook page, but she'll be sure to see that Alaska takes more than its fair share of the proceeds.
So glad to see the "First Dude" is earning his keep! While many in Alaska are resorting to berries and nuts to sustain themselves from starvation. Sounds like more of the Republican thinking............Feed the rich and starve the poor.
and so the PDS, Palin Delusional Syndrome, continues
Um, that should be DPS.
I'm so proud to live in Alaska.
*yark!*
Motor sports= oxymoron. Too true.
The "ability to sit and hang on" about sums it up.
"Alaska's First Lady..."
I've got to pass this around the office.
But wait... there's more!
Early reports from Todd's cute, little and quiet (no-wink, no-wink) press secretary is that while en route on the Iron Dog, he single-handedly mowed down three moose, four bald eagles and shot two wolves while catching air during a cliff dive.
Somehow he even managed to gnaw off the forepaws so he could claim his bounty since Sarah (wink, wink) keeps him on such a low allowance (you knew he had to turn over any winnings to "Mamma Palin", right?).
Todd Pale-in: the legend (only in his mind).
It's like the foot race in Mr. Mom.
Jack knows he can be her boss, he's got it in the bag.
But NOBODY beats the boss and so he "slips"... and the boss wins.
Funny how the 4 times he has won, were ALL times that Palin had either won an office, or a tie to oil and the ones who sponsor it.
Everything that has to do with Sarah Palin and family is questionable, isn't it?
Palin says she is building a pipeline...not true..since her popularity Canadians are much more informed on Regulations she wants to roll back, both in Alaska and Canada. Her natural gas will be landlocked and even if there is 5% more oil, big business works on supply and demand. Not patriotism.
Canadians are not keen on helping her with her pipeline because she doesn't want to do it with environmental protections in place. You'd think if she really loved the land as much as she keeps claiming she does, that she'd want to take care of it
What kills me about Sarah is that EVEN when she is caught in a lie, she doesn't acknowledge it, just keeps on going and thinks it will become the truth if she repeats it enough. She's clueless in Alaska.
Where is the Pretend Pipeline Sarah?
If their Governor is any example of the mentality of the rest of the state, I never want to go there.
"Alaska's First Lady" LMAO
Sail away on the good ship Hypocrite, Sarah.
God wants them to have all that money. The Palins can use it to do God's work. Their God is a hate filled God. It's expensive hating gays and abortion at the same time. But Sarah manages to hate gays and abortion at the same time. She wants to be President so she can hate gays in all 50 states. God loves Sarah for hating gays so much. Vote Palin 2012 so she can make this the land of hate like God intended it to be.
ha!
She teaches abstinence, then when that obviously doesn't work and her young girl is pregnant, Palin wants to make it illegal to have an abortion. Then, she disagrees with "liberal" spending for people in need. Makes sense in your hypocrite world, Sarah.
You have no culture, no tolerance and no generosity of spirit. It's all about MESarahME.
Alaska is basically a frontier state. Should never have been let into the union when it did, but the Republicans would not allow Hawaii in as a state unless they got the Alaska payoff. This all happened when I was in high school, so it is well within living memory of a lot of us!
Note that Alaska is a Republican stronghold and Hawaii a Democratic stronghold. Nothing has changed in the intervening years.
As for the Palins -- the person who made the comment about the plaid shirt and low IQ was right on. Both my husband and my son spent a lot of time in Alaska about 20 years ago and said it was the last frontier. They met people there who probably could not live anywhere else, real loners and losers. This is not to say there are not wonderful people in Alaska, but I fear they are outnumbered by the Palin types.
Too bad. It's a beautiful country and I hear the fishing is great.
What exactly would Mrs. Palin or her type do to help with the current economic situation?
I never heard a word about what she or her running mate would do. Head a lot of bashing, negativity, and hate speech, and one of them admitted to not being particularly adept at financial issues (I'm paraphrasing) but neither offered concrete solutions for economic recovery.
The two of them sure can criticize the president's plan, along with the other Palin types..
i just read a story this morning about how people in some parts of Alaska have to choose between feeding their kids and heating their homes, how they have to drive 400 miles on a snowmobile just to get provisions, and even then, can't take enough home to really keep their families well nourished.
Governor Palin says she's trying to find them help. Maybe if they signed up for this race...
she lost the election and is back in the what amounts to the Siberia of the United States.
But she doesn't seem to stay in the Siberia of the United States. She certainly won't stay away from the media!
Do not kid yourself, she is not back in Siberia, she is still dangerous and is attracting way too much attention. I despise almost everything she stands for and how hypocritical she is. We need to stop her by pointing out the truth about her until those that have been fooled can see her for who she really is.
She popped up like a Jack In The Box. Now its broken and the damn thing won't go back in.
She is dangerous because she believes she is on a mission from her crazed and hateful god. She is a threat because she has so much support from knee-jerk yahoos.
There's no fear of Palin, there is scorn for the idiotic things she continues to say, there is unease about her misuse of power, there is disgust with her hypocrisy, and there is concern for the people in her state who are being neglected while she chases the high life of her SarahPAC. IF she'd shut up and go away she'd be forgotten like Dan Quayle, but she won't shut up and she won't go away. If what she said in the limelight was intelligent, or at a minimum, true, people would give her some slack.
Superb comment.
It's fear. Fear that she'll never go away. The thought of her seriously seeking the Presidency is horrifying.
I'm worried there are so many neo-con hypocrites that whether the stimulus package succeeds or fails, they'll put a spin on it that it's Obama's fault, in spite of all the dumb changes the repubs made to it.
A snow machine does not put out that big of a carbon foot print. Actually, lawnmowers put out the same carbon...so we shouldn't mow our yards?
So, when was the last time you drove your lawnmower 1700 miles?
Read carefully: not a carbon footprint, a hydrocarbon footprint. 2-stroke gas engines are very dirty.
Enjoy the 1700-mile lawnmower ride.
Help. Inside deals to solar and wind energy producers'll kill us all!
No, you shouldn't mow your yard either. You should zeri-scape. There isn't enough water in most of the world to waste it. If you don't water it, you won't have to cut it. The 2 stroke engine should be outlawed in the 21st century.
The Palin's don't deserve a break.
Hey, Anonymous. Are you suggesting that a 5hp lawnmower engine puts out the same amount of exhaust and carbon as this year's Arctic Decimator XL3000?
But you do make a point -- we should re-evaluate allowing two-stroke engines in ANY situation. We worry about the carbon output of our commuter car, and meanwhile thousands of landscaping crews spend the day running thousands of leaf blowers and two-stroke mowers. Yes, thank you for pointing out another problem -- but it doesn't excuse the first.
Leaf Blowers, the lazy man's broom or rake.
I don't think there is anything wrong with Mr. Palin participating in the race, but it looks bad to keep the prize money when your wife is the governor of the state.
Participate in the race and purchase the carbon offset. Donate the money to charity until your wife is out of state politics to avoid the look of impropriety.
No one is trying to take away Mr. Palin's enjoyment/hobby, it's just that when you are in or married to the person in a position of authority, you live by a different set of rules and anyone who says differently is delusional. It's the same reason the "tax non-payers" should not be in the cabinet. People should just use a little common sense and better judgment.
Do the Palins file individual or joint returns?
She has to pay taxes on the Family Wardrobe.
He has to pay taxes on that prize money, or is he somehow exempt?
the programs the GOP cave dwellers cut from the stimulus plan are the ones which economists give the best prediction of producing big dollars in return growth - the GOP inserts/additions to the plan have mostly negative or negligible growth potential.
On the bailed execs being limited to $500,000 because we might have to replace them - how hard would that be? a monkey on speed could have wrecked the economy just as well as they did -
How about the Bush Crime Family who spent 10 trillion of our tax dollars over 8 years? And what do we have to show for it? Nothing!
I would rather spend a trillion dollars investing in the economic recovery of this nation than to put it in the pockets of no-bid cost plus contractors. But, hey, that's just me.
For repugs like the Palins, spending money trying to create jobs or fix our crumbling infrastructure is just wasteful spending. Spending 10 Billion a month on a war started under false pretenses- perfectly fine.
there's plenty of dogs to kick, but Palin's such an easy target when she's on the news everyday...
I grew up around Yellowstone, and the self-proclaimed 'slednecks' are as bad as the NRA - 'you can have my two-stroke when you pry it from my cold dead throttle-hand.' It's a mentality of "I want my torque, and I don't care about anything else." Fortunately, the right-wing radio tells them that global warming is a hoax, so it doesn't matter.
The debate about snowmobiles in Yellowstone -- which is a fabulous experience, and one of the only ways to access the park in the winter -- would never have been so intense had the snowmobiling community been more open to restrictions on two-strokes. A move to four-stroke engines would negate much of the negative impact, and more of us could enjoy the park without causing damage. Ski resorts on federal lands are required to use four-stroke snowmobiles, and the technology is there and capable, just not quite as 'torquey.'
But torque and two-stroke engines (dirtbikes and snowmobiles and jetskis) are held to be practically an inalienable right by the demographic Palin represents. I just hope we can marginalize that view enough to preserve the very environment that these 'rugged individualists' enjoy so much. By the time they're done 'enjoying' it, there might not be any left for our kids.
1971 miles of vibration has gotta take some toll on the old prostate - maybe some of those snow machine studs are all vroom and no action -
Snow machine race - it's like winning the Lazy-boy Recliner Sitting championship.
yeah, but I bet your thumb gets really tired.
I know Bears that would eat Todd alive! Can he do that to a bear? Hell I've seen bears ride a bicycle on a tightrope. Can Todd do that? So don't tell me about a man's supposed superior skills. Riding a snowmobile is one of the most useless "skills" there is!
I was gonna mention that I've seen bears riding bicycles while wearing funny little hats.
I've seen human beings riding snowmobiles while wearing funny little hats too....
Hey, you've gotta have good wrist action on that throttle!
A conflict of interest? You betcha!
Alaska...fewer than a million people, millions of dollars in oil revenue and taxes, and yet the infrastructure in places is terrible, there are chronic drug, alcohol and sexual abuse problems, and there are remote villages that would have been left to freeze in the cold if not for financial help that came from private fundraising, not from the state.
Gov. Palin, don't you know about the people of your state without food and heating oil? And just wait til your people find out that there is going to be no more Big Oil checks being handed to them. Just what is it that Alaska exports? Wolf paws? Polar bear hides? Salmon? Mooseburgers? And what do they import? Everything you say? That sounds fiscally sound!
Alaska's budget isn't balanced and as it stands right now -- it won't be... There is also the issue of many people starving and freezing which the Governor is not addressing, but she persists instead on issuing press statements telling us how her daughter's name was chosen for the location of ESPN in Bristol, CT. But there is video proof that she stated it was after Bristol Bay in Alaska. Whacko.
Taking more federal money than they contribute. You know, stimulus spending. Except it happens all the time.
You know, federal handouts - kinda like welfare, except in a format acceptable to rugged individualists in beards and flannel.
laugh out loud funny (yet factually disturbing). you may have demeaned the bear.
what the heck; according to Sarah, there is no global warming, just a big left wing conspiracy.
And polar bears aren't endangered, they're just unlucky.
C'mon, it's the guy's only claim to some type of accomplishment. Other than this, he's pretty much a footnote to his wife's insatiable ego and appetite for center stage. I have to say, however, that I really did enjoy reading this -- kudos to doc's writing style.
Sounds like Todd and his snow-machine pals could do some good ol' fashion delivery work, and get these stranded citizens some life-saving provisions! Alaska First! LMAO
right, aren't there some tribes that are starving and freezing?
Not tribes - Alaskan citizens of every ethnic background who can't afford both fuel and food. This in a state where not being warm is lethal, and in a state that's rich with natural resources and ought to have the lowest fuel costs of the whole nation.
Is it like the Biathelon? Does Todd pull over every hundred miles, jump in a helicopter and shoot a wolf from the air?
It's snowMOBILE. Say it with me: SNOWMOBILE. A snow machine is something that ski resorts use in March to keep snow on the slopes.
Actually, Todd himself corrected reporters when they referred to him "snowmobiling." Todd called the apparatus he rides a "snow machine."
That Todd! He's such a sport. Not content to sit around the house while Sarah brings home the venison, this handy house-hubby EARNS his keep - no, not in the classic ways: whoredom and subservience - but in mastering seriously macho pursuits that any bodacious babe could be proud of.
Putt-putt across the tundra, Todd, then putt-putt that little butt back home to mommy.
how much will china give us for the entire state?
I protest, you really need an opposible thumb to squeeze that throttle so a bear would have much more trouble learning to ride a sled at ninety miles per hour. Monkeys though could do a wonderful job as long as you can find a cute enough hat.
There have been a number of issues as to Todd Palin in his using his wife for personal gain and having too much involvement in her role as Alaska's Governor.
I do think he should be excluded from competition for conflict of interest reasons because he's married to the Governor.
And yes, there should be stricter limits on pollution from 2 cycle engined powered equipment, or a high pollution production tax on snow 'machines'.
what's the difference between a snowmobile and a snowmachine?
When I first heard that Todd Palin races "snow machines"--and this was just last year--I thought, "what, they race those contraptions they use a ski resorts to make snow? I can't wait for the Zamboni Follies."
If the average person is likely to misunderstand a word and there exists a more familiar and more specific alternative, it's a Wrong Word.
snowmobile snowmobile snowmobile
"snowmobile snowmobile snowmobile"
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
BTW, we need to make a deal with these people on this: they get to officially rename snowmobiles "snow machines", as long as they also rename ski-slope snow machines "snow penises" (which, interestingly, is the name that snowmobile racers really want to use for their snowmobiles)
Wow, Sarah has to support an unemployed husband, unemployed high school dropout daughter & her siblings, and a grandson now.
Good blogpost, doc. As with all good satire, your humor consistently skewers those most deserving of skewering.
You are correct: Since Sarah Palin, as governor, works with the petroleum giants who sponsor the race, Todd should be barred from entering the Iron Dog Race due to a $159,050 conflict of interest.
Remember how Halliburton, Dick Cheney's former company, got all those no-bid contracts for the war in Iraq? It seems like the well-connected can be blatant about their questionable ethics because in general the media ignores it. Thanks for being an exception to the rule.
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