MARCH MADNESS EXPLAINED

While the Mideast is sorting its dictators out, let's turn to another topic: March Madness!

March Madness is a wonderful American sports tradition where over 800 college basketball teams compete to see who is the maddest! It’s VERY mad and everyone from President Barack Obama down to the lowliest, most recent immigrant from Sierra Leone or Canada get into it BIG TIME. It’s pretty much the most American thing that happens every year, more American than eating an apple pie off of a space shuttle’s hood on Jesus Christ’s birthday.

HOW DOES IT WORK!

I’ll be honest with you right now: I don’t 100% know. No one does because there are NO RULES. It wouldn’t be MAD if it had guidelines written by some softy queer at Harvard or SUNY Binghamton, would it? Correct. It wouldn’t be.

In any case, the idea is that one team has to be the maddest, or “most mad.” Each game has a task that has to be completed to the satisfaction of the judges, while also playing a full game of basketball, if possible.

THE JUDGES

This year the judges are Michelle Obama, Werner Herzog, Dr. Mehmet “Dr. Oz” Oz, Art Garfunkel, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Lange, Baby Jessica, Charlie "Tigerblood" Sheen, and Randy "Pitchy" Jackson.

THE MADNESS

Starting back on March 15, each game played has a different challenge, in addition to the usual challenge of having to play basketball at an elite level.

MARCH 15: Each player must play from within a human size hamster ball filled with hamsters and one human (them.)

MARCH 16: The game is played in full darkness, officiated by blind referees firing 12-gauge shotguns loaded with bird shot at any basketball-related noise they hear.

MARCH 17: This game is simple. Standard basketball. BUT, there are no hoops and anytime a player wishes to “score,” he must build his own hoop, net, and backboard, score his 2 “basketball points,” then burn his handiwork in a ceremonial fire, center court.

MARCH 18: For this game, the standard basketball is replaced with a vaseline basketball. It’s not really a ball, I guess; it’s more of a basketball-sized glop of Vaseline.

MARCH 19: This game is just normal basketball. With one twist - it’s baseball.

MARCH 20: Each player must play wearing an earpiece through which they’ll be coached by motivational superhero, Tony Robbins, who will have ingested 8 ounces of psilocybin mushrooms and just been informed of his dog’s death.

MARCH 21: Every other player is replaced by a centipede. Not a mutant radioactive centipede that can eat people; just a regular little centipede (Note: most centipedes do not know how to play basketball, so this game is extraordinarily difficult).

MARCH 22: “Theme Game”: Lord of the Rings vs. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

MARCH 23: Each player must carry his favorite celebrity chef on his shoulders for the entire game. If more than one player share a favorite chef, they will have to divide the chef with a machete and carry a portion of the chef in a velvet sack tied around their waist.

MARCH 24: Regular basketball, but without a ball.

MARCH 25: For this special game, Larry Bird will sit in a lifeguard chair by one end of the court and Magic Johnson will sit in a lifeguard chair at the opposite end. They’ll take extensive notes throughout the game and then explain to each player and his mother in exhaustive, personalized detail why they will never be as good as them.

MARCH 26: 12 hours before this game, each player will be forced to drink his own body weight in prune juice. The game itself will be regular, old-fashioned basketball, played in a “toilet-free” stadium.

MARCH 27: For this game, each time a player gains possession of the ball, he must paint a museum-grade oil painting of Liza Minelli shooting five separate rainbows out of her legendary vagina.

MARCH 28: Each player is replaced by one of his grandfathers. If his grandfathers are both dead, too bad; life isn’t fair, and March Madness is mad.

MARCH 29: Pizza Party! A fan favorite; for this match-up, each player carries a pizza on their head throughout the game! “Won’t they fall off,” you ask? Nope! They’re stapled on!

MARCH 30: Family Time! For the penultimate game, any women the players have impregnated over the years are invited onto the court to address any unsettled paternity claims. This one’s a doozy!

MARCH 31: Regular, classic basketball, but since it’s the Championship, each player wears a tuxedo and brings the ball to the hoop in style, mounted atop the mightiest of horses, the Clydesdale. But to reach the hoop, they must navigate around the Moscow Ballet, who will be performing an amped up version of “The Nutcracker,” accompanied by Slayer, The Beastie Boys, and Sarah McLachlan.

THERE YOU HAVE IT! They don’t call it March Madness for nothing! I hope you’ll tune in to each uniquely “mad” game and bet any money you’ve reserved for food or medicine on your favorite team. To be honest, Buffy and I would only watch March Madness if it really was the way I just made fun of it, so whether my home team Syracuse University wins or loses, we can't wait for CBS to get back to its regular programming (did you know Fred Armisen has a comedy series "Portlandia" on the Independent Film Channel Fridays at 10:30? Or that there even is an IFC channel? Neither did I, but I'll watch ANYTHING except this March Madness bullcrap).

Comments closed because I don't really give a shit which team(s) any of you are or aren't rooting for: we're fucking bombing Libya for God's sake! And Japan's been stomped into rubble by Godzilla or something! Not good satire material out there these days, folks. Check back when March Madness is over.

- Dr. Bob "Basketball" Beechinor

UPDATE: Syracuse just lost. For Central NY, March Madness is officially over.

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WORLD CANNOT BELIEVE GADHAFI HASN'T FUCKING LEFT YET

As protests in Libya enter their fourth week, the consensus in diplomatic circles is a sense of disbelief that Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi has not fucking left yet.

Around the world, diplomats spoke openly about Mr. Gadhafi, often in language reserved for WikiLeaks cables, underlining the prevailing opinion that Mr. Gadhafi is behaving like a ginormous dick.

"Moammar Gadhafi is acting like an in-law who's stayed too long and can't take a hint," said the usually reserved Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "I have no idea why he's still fucking there, other than to be an epic douche."

Even President Barack Obama, renowned for his careful choice of words, seemed to be losing patience with Mr. Gadhafi: "I never thought I'd say this about someone, but Moammar Gadhafi is an even bigger jackass than Kanye."

In a sign that the US may be trying to send a clear message to Mr. Gadhafi, today the State Department dispatched Donald Trump to Libya.

As people once again filled the streets of Tripoli, Fox News said that it could not estimate the crowd size "until we know how many of them are Democrats."

Meanwhile, CNN's Wolf Blitzer said that as the crisis deepens in Egypt, "Stay tuned to CNN for up-to-the-minute reports about Charlie Sheen."



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SHOOTING SUSPECT RELEASED AFTER NOT BREAKING ANY ARIZONA LAWS

TUCSON, AZ — Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspect—accused of a shooting spree that left six dead and 14 injured, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords—had not technically broken any Arizona state laws.

"While Loughner is clearly a deranged madman who, with this heinous, tragic act, has proved to be a danger to himself and others, he has not explicitly violated any statutes currently on the books in Arizona," Pima County Attorney Barbara LaWall said of the man whom witnesses saw murdering a 9-year-old girl and a federal judge.

"We can only hope that if he acts out again, another Arizona citizen will be legally carrying a concealed firearm and be able to stop him."

LaWall told reporters that the only way her state would have any legal recourse in the brutal slayings would be if Loughner were Mexican.



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IMPRESSED WITH SPEECH, FOX NAMES OBAMA AN HONORARY AMERICAN

Impressed by his speech at the University of Arizona the other night, the Fox News Channel today took the extraordinary step of naming President Barack Obama an honorary American.

"Let's face it, he's earned it," said Fox host Glenn Beck. "I don't care where he came from, he's one of us now."

Naming President Obama an honorary American was only one of a series of conciliatory moves made today by what promises to be a kinder, gentler Fox News.

A network spokesman said that starting this week, Fox would air one minute of civil discourse every Sunday at 4 AM.






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WIKILEAKS CHRISTMAS SHOCKER: THE SANTA DOCUMENTS

Even while facing criminal charges in both the United States and Europe, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is threatening Democratic interests around the globe. As heinous as his releases of an Al Qaeda Target List and names of CIA Agents abroad were, his latest proclamation is all the more upsetting. WikiLeaks is pledging to release, on December 25th Eastern Standard Time, multiple documents “shedding truthful and damaging light” on Christmas as we know it.

The Xmas Files, as WikiLeaks has dubbed them, contain classified information about the operations of Santa Nicholas Claus and his operations at the North Pole. While we do not condone the release of these documents, we hope your curiosity will be satiated by this carefully chosen sample.

1. The Naughty List. Through their clandestine Elven infiltrators, WikiLeaks has obtained a portion of Mr. Claus’s Official 2010 Naughty And Nice List. While seeing such names as Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, and even Mr. Assange himself on the more sinister side of the ledger, the classified files on every human being are also included in graphic detail.

Considerably darkening the matter was the alleged method of information retrieval by the North Pole syndicate. There are evidently over two million informants on the Claus payroll worldwide, including ex CIA, KGB, East German Stasi and regular people with pocket-sized recording devices worldwide. Mr. Assange claims his documents came from a disgruntled Claus informant who was sold out at Heathrow Airport trying to move these documents to Greenland, the territory nearest Santa’s homestead.

The following is a portion of the list in the possession of WikiLeaks:

2. The Location of the Pole. Many have ignored their fleeting suspicions as to why Santa Claus’s laboratory is located at the North Pole. For years it was assumed that the 365 days of winter created a constant Christmas Wonderland, a magical place where it’s The Most Wonderful Time All Year. But eye-opening documents held by WikiLeaks show another factor: it’s technically international space.

Evidently, Mr. Claus gets way more from his North Pole location than just powder-white snow. Since it is not part of any national body, he doesn’t pay a dime in federal income or property tax. He is also not subject to the rulings by the United Nations, Geneva Conventions, or Amnesty International, refusing to provide a decent living wage or sanitary living conditions for his teeming masses of elf workers. While Santa lives in gaudy Saddam-like palaces that feature year-round Christmas lights and mechanical polar bears, the elves live forty to a room in wooden barracks with only the bare minimum of steam heating to keep them from freezing to death. After all, elves are traditionally temperate woodland creatures.

The following is an electric bill stolen by one of WikiLeaks’ informants:


3. The Chimney Truth. Also indicting Kris Kringle is hard evidence regarding his infiltration of every home on Christmas morning. The story goes that Santa, despite his size and the volume of the gifts, slithers down the chimney to deliver presents to the good little boys and girls of the world. The truth is shocking and terrible.

Turns out, Christmas delivery does not begin on December 24th, but on September 8th, in which Mr. Claus orders the illegal phone tapping of every phone in the world. His team of surveillance elves, one of which is the likely source of this information, take detailed and highly unethical notes regarding entryways into each and every domicile. Using a slush fund from illegal arms sales, they bribe companies for their residential security alarm codes. And while the entering of your home is often through the chimney, Santa sits on the roof eating biscuits while his elves, who are not even given health benefits or hazard pay, are forced to schlep the gifts from the sleigh to the tree. Any elf caught slacking or not bringing the cookies and milk to the roof for their master is subject to vicious medieval torture and potential execution.

Here's the signed confession by Boris the Elf:

4. The Plans. While it made total sense back in the days of the hobby horse and the paper doll, the idea that Santa Claus’s factory is capable of providing iPads, Xboxes, and flat panel televisions to the youth of America seems unfathomable. How could they actually deliver the same product provided by Apple, Microsoft, or Nintendo? The answer is devastating to the North Pole corporation.

Mrs. Claus, the lovely better-half to Santa, personally oversees a network of international industrial spies who hack into corporate mainframes and steal plans for some of the most wished-after products on the globe. They then return the plans to the North Pole where kidnapped German engineers are blackmailed into building them to the exact specifications. They are also forced to wear demeaning elf costumes to maintain the sanctity of the myth. Not only does this operation owe over $70 trillion in copyright infringement fines, they are also responsible for the murder of two Sony of Japan factory security guards who, “picked the wrong time to wake up from their nap.”

The following is a translation of a recording from the Sony of Japan robbery. Please note this is not suitable for children:

Here's the English translation below.

Mrs. Claus: We need the plans to the Playstation 3 and the BluRay player.

Conspirator #1: The Playstation 3 is a BluRay player.

Mrs. Claus: I’ll ask you not to talk back to me.

Conspirator #2: Madame Claus. I was able to copy all of Sony’s plans for their new line of mp3 players. What shall I do with the originals.

Mrs. Claus: Burn them. That’s an order.
(unknown sounds)

Mrs. Claus: Look, get him!

Security Guard: No, please! I won’t tell anyone anything.

Mrs. Claus: We’ll be sure about that. Take his tongue.
Security Guard: No! No! (inaudible)

5. The Bold Faced Red Nosed Lie. Nearly as iconic as Santa himself is the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, whose legendary lightbulb on the tip of his snout guides the magic sleigh through the Christmas night air. If only the reality was so playful and childlike.

WikiLeaks has evidence to prove that the name, “Red Nosed Reindeer” was actually a moniker given by Rudolph’s enemies. Rudy, as he is known on the streets of the North Pole, has killed over 200 elves at the command of Santa Claus. The wonderful deer is actually the implement by which Santa tortures and maims his unruly staff members. WikiLeaks has promised a video in which an elf, who knocked over a plastic snowman perched on a lawn, is gored like a weak bullfighter by the vicious Rudy as Donner and Blitzen callously take bets on how long the elf can crawl away before succumbing to his injuries. All of this took place under the watchful eye of Kringle, a man whose jolly nature is more challenged by the leak.

Smuggled Screen Grab from North Pole Security Surveillance Video.

This is a transcribed voice mail recording from the Headquarters of Amnesty International in London, UK:

Recording: Thank you for calling Amnesty International. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it now, or wait for the tone to leave a brief message. Thanks!

Caller: Listen, I need to talk fast. He’ll kill me if he finds out. The reindeer. He’s using the reindeer to kill everyone. Blood, so much blood everywhere. The snow runs red with it. Oh my god, no! No, Rudy, no! You bastard! You son of a bitch! You’ll go down in history, you bastard!

-end-

6. The Worst Lie. Perhaps the most shocking and horrible claim made by the WikiLeaks site is the insidious insinuation that Santa Claus, including his North Pole factory, reindeer, and legion of slave elves, does not exist. Mr. Assange claims that every single present delivered by Santa is actually delivered by your parents. Not only that, but those cookies and milk are not consumed by Kringle as a peace offering, but by your father as he watches The Daily Show.

While the WikiLeaks site has concrete proof of the rest of this content, this final lie is one I simply cannot believe. After all, the packages are signed ‘Santa’ for a reason, aren’t they?

Email correspondence between Julian Assange and Christine Assange:

o´¯`❄.¸(░) `O.¸¸.¸. o´¯`❄. ¸(░) `O. ❄。 ¨¯`*✲ ´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄*´*。 ✲O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸.✲. ¸. o´¯`¸. o´¯`❄¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸.✲´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸❄。 `O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`❄。 ¨¯`*✲.... ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`❄. ¸ (░) ´...*。 ✲´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

~ DOC ~

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PALIN QUITS 'BYHEART' AUDIO BOOK AFTER SECOND CHAPTER

NEW YORK -- The publishing world was stunned today when Sarah Palin walked out of the recording studio in the midst of narrating the audio version of her latest book, America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag, after only the first two chapters.

"Sarah's really super sorry," said Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton. "The Governor is very busy with, well, things -- her family, her totally-not-at-all running for 2012, fear-mongering on a global scale, the Rapture -- you know, Neo-Con stuff. But I do know the Governor plans to send homemade apology cookies to the fine, hard-working Americans at HarperCollins asap."

"What the fuck is her problem?" HarperCollins said in a statement yesterday. "It's not like we expected anything massive from her -- but you'd think even talking about herself for a shitload of money might hold her Narcissistic attention span longer than the Alaskan governorship or college ever did. Can't this woman finish a single goddamn thing?"

Two years ago, an unknown Palin stepped onto the national stage alongside Republican presidential candidate John McCain and showed America that, like herpes, she wasn't going anywhere. While the majority of Americans holding passports and diplomas waited suspiciously for the punchline, to many Americans, it was love at first wink.

HarperCollins saw gold.

"We said to ourselves, 'Now here is a woman with a lot of stupid fucking followers,'" said media director Robert Brennan of Harper Audio. "We knew we had to be creative because we were going after a huge segment of the population that doesn't traditionally read much past 'Improved Buttery Flavor!' I mean, come on; how many of them even read that Good Book they're always throwing at people? But then we had the bright idea: Audio books! Now millions of Americans could enjoy every saccharine-sweet, value-laden talking point from the serial drop-out Governor's latest publication--right in the comfort of their Ford F-350s."

It seemed a match made in heaven (King James version), until Palin, once again, went rogue.

"Geez u guys," Palin commented from behind the protective safety glass of her Facebook page to avoid the possibility of any follow-up questions. "i dont know y ppl r gettin so bent outta shape about this." Facebook ironically does not impose any character restrictions on its users. "i think regular americans can understand y ive done what i did. its about goin 4 the ball when u c it. givin 110%. theres no i in usa, ppl, cuz im a mom and just a regular main street american concerned 4 my country n the economy n stoppin terrorism ;)"

Palin was correct about her understanding followers.

"That poor dear is just working so hard for our country, they really ought'n let her be," said Lurlene Meyers of Manhattan, Kansas; an unemployed mother of six with no skill-sets, nobly referred to by her Pro-Family community as a stay-at-home-wife-and-mom. "Between having that Muslim in the White House and all of them in Warshington turning my Medicare into some government-run healthcare program, well, I just think it's so refreshing to have a capable woman like that Sarah Palin clearing a landing strip for Jesus."

HarperCollins says they're in negotiations with Tina Fey, who they hope can help them meet their anticipated release date.

In other news, Palin says North Korea is America's ally, then she responds to her "our ally North Korea" gaffe. Does she: A) apologize for the mix up? B) point out that it was obvious what she really meant, or C) post a list of every gaffe or slip of the tongue Obama's ever made
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/11/palin-fires-back-on-facebook-w.html?hpid=topnews


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POLL: 1 IN 5 AMERICANS BELIEVE PRESIDENT OBAMA IS A CACTUS

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday, nearly 20 percent of U.S. citizens now believe Barack Obama is a cactus, the most Americans to identify the president as a water- retaining desert plant since he took office.

A growing segment of the population believes
the president is pollinated by moths and hummingbirds.

The poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, found a sharp rise in the number of Americans who say they firmly believe Obama was either born a cactus, became a cactus during his youth, or has questionable links to the Cactaceae family.

"We asked people of varying races, ages, and backgrounds the same question: 'What is President Barack Obama?'" Pew spokeswoman Jodi Miller told reporters. "And a fifth of them responded, 'A cactus.'"

According to the poll, Obama has lost favor among many voters who supported his candidacy in 2008 but have since come to doubt he is a mammal. While these Americans concede Obama may not specifically be a cactus, most believe he is a plant of some kind, with 18 percent saying the president is a ficus, 37 percent believing him to be a grain such as wheat or millet, and 12 percent convinced he is an old-growth forest in Northern California.

When asked why they agreed with the statement "President Obama is a large succulent plant composed of specialized cells designed for water retention in arid climates," many responded that they "just know," claiming the president only acts like a human being for political purposes and is truly a cactus at heart.

A number of polled Americans identified
the above as a photo of President Obama.
White House officials have asserted that
the nation's 44th president is a person.

"You can't go a day without hearing how Obama's a radical cactus sympathizer who wants to sap America of all its drinking water, or how he was actually born in the Kalahari Desert," said media critic Lynn Pelmont, referring to cable news outlets that suggest the president has prickly spines he uses to protect himself from thirsty animals. "For a man who prides himself on delivering a coherent message, there's an awful lot of confusion out there about whether he's a Harvard Law graduate or a leafless flowering shrub."

"He must speak frankly to the American people about his mammalian background," Pelmont added. "If not, it's only a matter of time before people start believing those fringe bloggers who claim the president of the United States is actually an old washing machine."

Some Beltway observers have accused Republicans of tacitly encouraging the cactus rumor, pointing out that if millions of voters believe Obama produces buds through spirally arranged areoles situated along his stem, the GOP has a much better chance of retaking Congress in November.

"If the president says he is a human being, I'll take him at his word," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said Sunday on Meet the Press. "Though I've never heard him complain about being thirsty. Not once. That could be a coincidence, I suppose, but it's really not my place to say."

During a Wednesday morning briefing, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs once again denied that President Obama is a cactus, citing numerous physiological attributes of the nation's chief executive, including his ability to walk upright and to manipulate objects with his opposable thumbs.

"Cacti don't talk," said Gibbs, shaking his head. "They just don't."

President Barack Hussein Obama was born Aug. 4, 1961 in Honolulu, HI to parents Ann Dunham and Barack Obama, Sr. From the ages of 6 to 10 he lived with his mother and stepfather in Indonesia, where he attended Besuki Public School and St. Francis of Assisi Catholic School. In 1971, Obama returned to Hawaii, where he was raised primarily by his grandmother until he left home to attend Occidental College in Los Angeles.

"I don't care what he says or what his people say or what anybody else says," 48-year-old Kansas resident Jake Nolan told reporters. "The guy's a cactus, plain and simple. I mean, Christ, look at him."



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THE WISDOM OF TEAPARTY JESUS

Ever since Pastor Glenn Beck delivered his sermon on the Lincoln Memorial steps, I've been wondering how he and his followers can love Jesus, but hate welfare, health care and gun control. I mean, charity, healing, pacifism...that's pretty much Jesus's whole platform.

Then it hit me - the Teabaggers are talking about a different Jesus.

I mean, it was a pretty common name back then. You could walk into any crowd and be sure that you'd hear someone yelling, "Oh, Jesus!"

But this other Jesus was obviously a pretty special guy, too....

The type of guy who'd refuse to cure lepers because it was a pre-existing condition.

People would ask him for a miracle to feed a multitude, and he'd tell them to go out and work for their loaves and fishes, like he did.

He wouldn't render squat unto Caesar - he was Taxed Enough Already!

And you can bet your ass he wouldn't lie down and be crucified by a bunch of sword-grabbing Romans. Not this guy. He wants his Judea back!

So be comforted by the special wisdom to be found in the
12 Sayings of Tea Party Jesus:


1. Blessed are the rich.... for their kids shall inherit the earth, with no death tax.

2. Blessed are the warmongers.... for they shall escape investigation.

3. Whoever shall smite thee on the cheek.... turn thou to another country that had nothing to do with it, and smite them a hundredfold... and take their oil.

4. It is easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven... for he can afford to puree a camel and force it through the eye of a needle.

5. Let him who has not yet been caught sinning in a men's room cast the first stone.

6. Ask and ye shall be given.... a lecture on why getting Unemployment doeth make ye a bunch of commies.

7. Knock and the door shall be opened.... as long as thou hast the right birth certificate.

8. Love one another.... unless thou art gay, in which case, burn in Hell, thou perv!

9. Ye hast made this place a den of thieves, but God forbid anyone should regulate it

10. Consider the lilies of the field.... they neither vote, nor own, so go ahead and strip mine that field.

11. What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world, but lose his soul?.... Duh! His profit is the whole world!

12. All those who live by the sword.... shall die by my .44 Magnum, punk!





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