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Original Caption: US President Barack Obama, center, and standing behind him are his wife first lady Michelle Obama, left, and Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, right, wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy at the Palais Roham in Strasbourg, France, Friday, April 3, 2009.
Surely you see the possibilities...

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NORTH KOREA LAUNCHES DEATH STAR

At approximately 2:30AM GMT Sunday, the North Korean government launched a missile over Japan. Japan responded by producing millions of tiny electronic missile toys that are expected to take the world by storm.

According to a spokesperson for North Korea, the missile's payload was a simple satellite with a large speaker on it, meant to "send to the Earth the melodies of the immortal revolutionary paeans 'Song of General Kim Il Sung' and 'Song of General Kim Jong Il'".

However, a representative from North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) stated that the missile was actually a small moon -- or possibly a space station -- designed to destroy planets.

"Today, North Korea violated 100 international treaties," said the spokesperson, "and their defiance only proves what a dangerous man Kim Jong Il is, no matter what technical data they've obtained."

The space station, or "death star" as it's being called in the media (i.e., this media), was developed using stolen data tapes on an R2 unit. NORAD officials claim it will allow Kim Jong Il to blow up any planet he so desires. The reclusive leader, speaking from inside a rejuvenation chamber without his traditional black helmet, stated that he was "impressed" with the launch.

"Impressive," he said. "Most impressive. However, I find [the West's] lack of faith disturbing."

A U.N. Security Council resolution from 2006 strictly prohibits the launch of planet-destroying space stations, making Pyongyang's actions a direct violation. Members of the Security Council, most notably the United States, China and France, were "outraged" by Kim Jong Il's insistence on violating "all kinds of human decency."

"North Korea's complete disregard for international law shows that [Kim Jong Il] will stop at nothing to destroy the earth," said China in Chinese. "I am definitely pretty mad about it."

"This is a clear violation of United Nations' policy, and North Korea should probably pay a price for their actions," said the United States. "I'm sure [the price] will be a doozy, too."

France threatened to walk out unless one of their demands was met. None were, so France walked out.

President Barack Obama spoke at a news conference Monday morning about the launch, doing his best to allay concerns that North Korea could launch a missile at the United States, or blow up the earth.

"North Korea must understand that we're upset about this," he said resolutely. "Especially me, because my European tour was going swimmingly, and now you've gone and ruined it, although I suppose it was already ruined a little bit when that footage I took of Michelle sexily dancing got stolen and was used to advertise a porno[graphic movie]."

Obama added, "Now, please allow me to introduce my beautiful wife, Michelle Obama!"

The First Lady smiled and waved, causing everyone in the news conference to swoon. However, footage of the event soon reached the rest of Europe, where it caused such a pandemonium in Italy that a deadly earthquake struck.



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DAVID LETTERMAN'S AD FOR THE NEW G.O.P.

David Letterman wants to help the ailing GOP and he did so by producing a new television ad for them called "The Party of Yes." It details their positive stance on issues and tells voters that they will be ready to lead in 2028.






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PALIN'S SISTER-ON-LAW ARRESTED FOR MULTIPLE BURGLARIES

Crime sort of runs in the family with the Palins. You'll remember that Levi Johnston's mother was arrested on drug charges. Well, now Todd Palin's sister has been arrested on charges of burglary.

Yes, I know Levi Johnston never did marry Bristol Palin, but still ... technically, since he's the father of Tripp, he's still part of the family.

According to the Anchorage Daily News, police reported that Diana Palin, 35, entered a home and attempted to steal cash from the owner’s bedroom. This was in fact, a case of a perp returning to the scene of a crime, as she also broke into the same house on Tuesday and stole $400, according to the police.

Diana Palin was arrested Thursday morning on felony charges of first-degree burglary and misdemeanor charges of criminal trespass and theft. She remained jailed on Friday morning with bail set at $10,000.

Surely Todd and Sarah have $10,000 for his sister-in-law?

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Guest Book for Binghamton Shooting Victims - Online Guest Book by Remembrance.com and Legacy.com.

http://www.legacy.com/gb2/default.aspx?bookID=5875640962447

COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF JIVERLY WONG'S LETTER:


Date March 18 2009
Dear NEW TEN NOW
I am Jiverly Wong Shooting the people. The first I want to say sorry I know a little English. I hope you understand all of this. Of course you need to know why I shooting? Because undercover cop gave me a lot of ass during eighteen years. I got seven years and eight month delivery to grocery in the California. Came back New York on the August 2007. Let talk about when I live in California. Such as...cop used 24 hours the technique of ultramodern and camera for burn the chemical in my house. For switch the channel ti.vi. for adjust the fan. For made me unbreathable. For made me vomit. For connect the music into my ear.

Undercover cop usual coined some nasty was not true about me and spread a rumour to the receiver and some people know me conduce toward many people prejudiced and selfish to me...cop made me lost my job...cop put me became poor.

Let talk about when I live at the 28 Baker St. 2nd Floor, Johnson City, New York 13790. It terrible when I live there. Such as...cop wait until midnight when I off the light and went to the bed. Cop unlock my door and came in take a sit in my room ((cop did it thirteen time on the year 1994 )) on the thirteen time had three time touch me when I sleeping. One time stolen 20 dollar in my wallet. One time used electric gun shoot at the behind my neck. (That time I did not know English)

Please continue second page thank you.
Page 2

From 1990 to 1995 New York undercover cop try to get a car accident with me. Such as when I driving on the highway and on the street undercover cop sunddenly brake the car stop immediately at the of front my car...cop did it 32 time like that during 1990 to 1995 but I never hit the car.

Many time from 1990 to 1997 at the day time...cop exploit unknow English and went to my house knock the door for harass and domineer. Of course during that time cop coined something was not true about me and spread a rumour nasty like the California cop.

From August 2007 until now cop gave me not to much ass only one time cop leave a massage in my voice mail and said (( come back your country )) after five minute I send a text massage to them I said I will call the police and they send it back to me they said they are the police.

Dear New Ten Now. Right now I still get unemploment benefit of the company Shop Vac Endicott. New York State Department of Labor was cheat and unpaid from December 1st 2008 to December 28th 2008 I already claim weekly benefit from that date. Any way I can not accepted my poor life. Before I cut my poor life I must oneself get a judge job for make an impartial with undercover cop by at least two people with me go to return to the dust of earth.

Already impartial now..cop bring about this shooting.. cop must responsible. And you have a nice day.




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DR. B. SAYS IT'S LATE, THERE'S NOTHING IN THE NEWS WORTH SATIRIZING TODAY, SO CAPTION THIS TIMELY PHOTO!

Original Caption: A group photo session at the G20 Summit in the Excel Centre in London, Thursday, April 2, 2009. The objective of the London Summit is to bring the world's biggest economies together to help restore global economic growth through enhanced international coordination.


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STILL AT IT - LIMBAUGH: "IF OBAMA FAILS, AMERICA IS SAVED."

Bill O'Reilly wants to see President Obama succeed, he says, but Rush Limbaugh is as adamant as ever that he hopes Obama will fail in the White House. During his Monday radio show, he told listeners that Obama's failure would mean the country would be "saved."

"Based on what we've seen with General Motors and the banks, if he fails, America is saved," Limbaugh said. "Barack Obama's policies and their failure is the only hope we've got to maintain the America of our founding."

LISTEN:



O'Reilly has a different outlook. Asked if he want Obama to fail: "No. We want him to succeed. We want to persuade him that perhaps some of his policies are not going to help him succeed."

Meanwhile, the DNC rolled out its anti-Limbaugh billboard:

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OBAMA ADMINISTRATION FAILS AUTOMAKERS; AUTOMAKERS PLAN TO CHANGE GRADE TO 'B+'

The Obama administration said today that ailing U.S. automakers GM and Chrysler earned failing grades for their turnaround efforts -- and a D+ for penmanship -- so far.

The companies will be given only one more chance to demonstrate their plans to return to solvency, which both say will likely involve the alteration of the "F" on the Obama administration's report card to become a "B+".

"After years of staggering losses, we now see that the letter 'F' can be changed into a 'B' with just a few lines," said Darren Patesh, a spokesperson for GM. "Ladies and gentlemen, our company is saved."

He added that the company planned on adding a "+" to the B to demonstrate GM's "commitment to adding things, such as more bailout money to our balance sheets ...please?"

At the White House today, President Obama agreed, saying that Detroit will qualify for additional bailout money if he is fooled by the new letter grade.

"But this is, without a doubt, the last money you are getting for a long time," the President fumed, taking out his wallet. "I don't know what you spend this on, but sooner or later, you're going to have to learn some responsibility."

"Now go on, get out of here," he said, breaking into a smile. "You kids know that we love you."

With the new revised B+ grade and the possibility of more rescue funds to come, GM and Chrysler both say they will be "totally fine" for the next 3-5 weeks.

"I'm not sure what we'll do after the money is gone, but who cares? That's so far in the future you'd need a time machine just to get there," said new GM CEO Fritz Henderson.

"All they have to do is sell a few cars," said Christina Hopewell, an industry analyst. "Cars are really expensive. If they sold even 10 cars in April, that would raise like, a lot of money."

Hopewell added that the auto companies could play the lottery or invest in stocks that look risky, but will probably work out in the end.

"Hey, yeah!" Ed Montgomery, President Obama's new autoworker czar, said when told of this idea. "Attention auto industry: this is your czar speaking. Please give some of your bailout money to the financial companies. They need it more than you do, you idiots. Thank you."

Will all of these drastic measures really save Detroit? Only time will tell, but many citizens across the nation seemed warily optimistic.

"Uh, yeah, no, I'd totally buy an American car," said New Jersey man Jethro Olympus. "They got all those loans and stuff, so ...that's good, I guess, right?"



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