Dick Cheney: “My Thoughts and Prayers Are with the Iraqi Oil Wells”

 

JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING —Former Vice-President Dick Cheney broke his silence about the crisis in Iraq on today, telling reporters, “My thoughts and prayers are with the Iraqi oil wells.”

Speaking from his Wyoming ranch, Cheney said that he had planned to remain quiet about the current state of affairs in Iraq, but “thinking about those oil wells has kept me up at night.”

“If Dick Cheney won’t speak for the Iraqi oil wells, who will?” he said.

Cheney indicated that, as of now, there was no fighting near Iraq’s oil wells, but warned, “If the violence spreads, those wells could be in jeopardy. And it’s up to the international community to insure that that worst-case scenario doesn’t happen.”

The former Vice-President said that he expected to “catch hell” for inserting himself into the debate about Iraq, but was resolute in his decision to do so. “If I prevent one drop of precious oil from being spilled, it will have been worth it,” he said.

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Conservatives Praise Antarctic Ice Sheet Melt as Beautiful Expression of Free Market

 

A delegation of conservative members of Congress paid a visit to the West Antarctic Ice Sheet melt today to witness firsthand what one of them called “the most beautiful expression of the free market I’ve ever seen.” 

The author of that remark, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin), said that he was awestruck after watching gigantic chunks of glacier disintegrate and crash to the sea.

 “Every schoolchild in America needs to see this,” he said. “This is the free market at work in the way that God and Ayn Rand intended.”

Rep. Ryan said that watching the now-unstoppable Ice Sheet melt in action reaffirmed his belief in “the glory and might of free-market forces.”

“Now more than ever, I believe that government needs to get out of the way of glaciers,” he said.
Another member of the delegation, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota), decried what she called the “alarmism” surrounding reports of the collapsing Ice Sheet.

“The Ice Sheet melt is only a problem if you live in Antarctica, which, honestly, is a pretty dumb place to live,” she said. “Polar bears live in Antarctica because they have no choice, but we’re not polar bears.”

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Boehner: “I Don’t Want to Live in a World Where Seven Million People Get Affordable Health Care”

A riveting scene unfolded in Congress today as a tearful Speaker John Boehner took to the floor of the House to tell his colleagues, “I don’t want to live in a world where seven million people get affordable health care.”

Tears streaming down his cheeks, Rep. Boehner appeared unable to maintain his composure as he delivered a speech interrupted by blubbering and sharp intakes of breath.

“What kind of a world is it where anyone can go on the Internet and get health care they can afford?” he said. “Not a world I’d care to live in, or leave to my children.”

“It’s not right… and it’s not America,” he said, breaking down.

Later, dabbing his eyes, a still-sobbing Boehner apologized to reporters for “losing it up there.”
“I don’t like to get so emotional,” he said. “But when seven million people signed up for Obamacare, a part of me died.”


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President’s Announcement of Health-Care Numbers Angers Opponents of Math

 

The announcement by President Obama that 7.1 million people have signed up for Obamacare set off a firestorm of controversy among opponents of math in the U.S. Congress. 

Representative Michele Bachmann, a leading member of the anti-math caucus, told reporters, “Throughout the debate on Obamacare, there has been a tacit agreement to leave math out of it. President Obama has  broken that agreement.”

Senator John Barrasso, an anti-math Republican from Wyoming, agreed. “It’s very disappointing to see the President use arithmetic for political purposes,” he said.

Bachmann said that she believed the American people “would see through President Obama’s desperate use of numbers.” She added, “Whenever this President gets in trouble, he hides behind data.”

The Minnesota Republican said that many others in Congress agreed with her, but she declined to count them.

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Putin Receives Strong Words of Support in Ninety-Minute Conversation with Self

 

Russian President Vladimir Putin received “strong, unqualified words of support” last night in a ninety-minute conversation with himself, Mr. Putin confirmed today. 

The invasion of Crimea was the main topic of the conversation, which Mr. Putin described as “extremely collegial and enthusiastic.”

“We discussed a wide range of issues, including how everyone in Ukraine had invited us to come to Ukraine, and also how the soldiers reported to be in Crimea were not actually Russian soldiers but, in fact, local volunteers who looked a lot like Russian soldiers,” he said. “There was strong agreement on all of these matters.”

Mr. Putin pronounced the ninety-minute conversation “exceedingly helpful.” He added: “It was exhilarating to be able to talk at length with someone for whom I have such boundless love and respect.”

Buoyed by last night’s positive dialogue, Mr. Putin said that he planned to have many such conversations in the days and weeks ahead. “It was good to hear how splendidly everything was going,” he said.

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Republicans to Discontinue Use of E-Mail

Citing the scandals embroiling Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, the Republican Governors Association today ordered its members to discontinue the use of e-mail, “effective immediately.”

According to a memo sent to all Republican governors, “Any plots, schemes, conspiracies, or violations of campaign-finance laws should be conducted using pay phones or easily disposable cell phones such as the ones used on ‘The Wire.’ ” The governors were instructed to read the memo once and then either burn or eat it.

Asked to comment on the new policy, Governor Walker’s office responded, “The recipient’s e-mail address was not found in the recipient’s e-mail system. Please check the e-mail address and try resending this message.”

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Arizona Governor Vetoes Anti-Gay Bill: “Let’s Focus on Discriminating Against Mexicans”

 

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed a controversial anti-gay bill, telling reporters, “Let’s focus on discriminating against Mexicans.”

Governor Brewer said that while “the intentions behind this bill were obviously excellent,” she was worried that the bill “would distract us from our main mission of harassing, tormenting, and otherwise making life miserable for Mexicans.”

Although Governor Brewer said that she could foresee a time when Arizona might “branch out into discriminating against gays,” the decision to veto the anti-gay bill in the name of anti-immigrant pride was not difficult: “Arizona needs to stick to what it does best.”

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Christie Asks for Public’s Patience While He Comes Up with New Story

 

Responding to fresh charges that he knew about the controversial lane closures on the George Washington Bridge last fall, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today asked for the public’s patience while he makes up a new story. 

“Today you have heard some allegations that are shocking and explosive,” he told reporters at a hastily called press conference. “All I ask is that the people of the great state of New Jersey give me sufficient time to invent a new story that explains my way out of this.”

Governor Christie said that he had spent the past few hours in closed-door meetings trying to come up with a new narrative that absolves him of any guilt in the bridge scandal, but while he was definitely denying the allegations, “so far, we don’t have a winner.”

“We’ve been tossing around everything from my not remembering events correctly to my having a bad reaction to medication,” he said. “We even floated the idea of my being under too much pressure and having to ‘blow off steam.’ As I said, we don’t have a winner yet. But I want to reassure the people of New Jersey that I am working very hard on this.”

The Governor said he understood that “things don’t look very good for me right now,” but he urged the public against rushing to judgment, adding, “I will get back to you with a well-crafted and plausible story as soon as possible.”

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