GOP Accuses Obama of Trying to Make Affordable Care Act Work

 

In an explosive accusation, the House Oversight Committee chairman Darrell Issa (R-California) today charged President Obama with “using all the resources at his disposal to make the Affordable Care Act work.” 

Accusing the President of participating in “a wide-ranging conspiracy,” Mr. Issa told reporters that “behind closed doors, the President has quietly assembled a high-tech brain trust that is working around the clock to fix the Healthcare.gov Web site—at government expense.”

Rep. Issa said that he would call for a new round of hearings and would subpoena “all those persons suspected of being involved in the ongoing plot to fix Obamacare.”

“This is a conspiracy, if you will, that goes all the way to the top,” Rep. Issa said. “If there is a plan to fix Obamacare, what did the President know about that plan and when did he know it?”

Rep. Issa concluded his remarks on a defiant note, drawing a line in the sand: “If the President thinks he is going to repair that Web site so that it works when anyone tries to access it, I’ve got news for him: not on my watch.”

.

Study: Americans Safe from Gun Violence Except in Schools, Malls, Airports, Movie Theatres, Workplaces, Streets, Own Homes

 

A new study released today indicates that Americans are safe from the threat of gun violence except in schools, malls, airports, movie theaters, workplaces, streets, and their own homes.

Also: highways, turnpikes, libraries, places of worship, parks, universities, restaurants, post offices, and cars.

Plus: driveways, garages, gyms, stores, military bases—and a host of other buildings, structures, and sites.

National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre applauded the study, saying that it reinforced his organization’s long-held position that the United States does not need additional gun laws. “This study makes it abundantly clear that Americans are in no danger of gun violence except in these isolated four hundred and thirteen places,” he said.

He added that he hoped that the study would spark a conversation “about the root cause of mass shootings: people who recklessly show up at places where they could be shot at.”

Obama Has Lied to American People, Says Lying Expert

 

 President Obama has imperiled his second term by lying to the American people, one of the nation’s foremost lying experts said today.

The accusation carried weight, observers said, coming as it did from a legendary figure in the high-stakes world of competitive lying.

He was harshly critical of Mr. Obama’s fibbing, calling it “amateurish at best,” contrasting the President’s lack of lying experience with his own half-century of dishonesty.

“The American people deserve a President who is a world-class liar,” he said. “Sadly, they do not have that President.”

Speaking from experience, he said that he had learned “the hard way” just how difficult lying can be: “Just when you think you’ve gotten away with it, there’s someone with a hidden camera catching you telling the truth.”

He said that it was possible that the President “might grow as a liar” in the remaining three years of his term, but he was not optimistic.

“Lying isn’t something you can just pick up on the job,” he said. “Maybe President Obama would be better off leaving it to us professionals.”


.

G.O.P. Unveils Own Health-Care Web Site, EmergencyRoom.gov

 

Saying that “the American people are fed up with a disastrous Web site that doesn’t work and never will,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and a phalanx of congressional Republicans today unveiled their own health-care Web site, EmergencyRoom.gov. 

“At EmergencyRoom.gov, every American can access the one tried-and-true health-care system that has worked in this country for decades,” he said.

While Healthcare.gov has frustrated many users with its difficult-to-navigate design, Rep. Cantor said that at EmergencyRoom.gov, “Health care is just three easy steps away. One: enter your zip code. Two: see the list of emergency rooms. Three: get to the nearest one before you die.”

The Virginia Republican wasted no time touting the cost savings of EmergencyRoom.gov, comparing it favorably with the notoriously expensive Obamacare site: “Unlike Healthcare.gov, which private contractors built at a cost running into the hundreds of millions, EmergencyRoom.gov was built for nine hundred dollars by my intern Josh.”

And in contrast with Healthcare.gov’s maze of forms, links, and phone numbers, he said, “EmergencyRoom.gov has just one phone number: 9-1-1.”

In what may be the strongest selling point for the new site, Rep. Cantor said that the wait time on EmergencyRoom.gov is “virtually nonexistent,” not counting the twelve to thirty-six hours spent in the actual emergency room.


.

N.S.A. Promises to Stop Getting Caught Spying on Allies

 

 Responding to the firestorm of controversy over its spying on European allies, the head of the National Security Agency said today it would do everything in its power to avoid being caught doing it in the future.

“There are two important jobs for every spy agency: spying on people and avoiding detection,” said the N.S.A. chief General Keith Alexander. “Unfortunately, at the N.S.A. we have only done the first job well.”

“We have abused the trust of some of our closest allies,” he said. “And none of this would have happened if they hadn’t found out.”

General Alexander said that the agency was instituting strict new practices that amounted to “a zero-tolerance policy on getting caught.”

“I had a meeting with my top people today and said, ‘I want you to put the same energy you put into spying on Germany, France, and Spain into keeping them from figuring out what we’re up to,’ ” he said. “ ‘Anything less than that will be unacceptable.’ ”

General Alexander also offered a heartfelt apology to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a prime target of the agency’s eavesdropping. “I know how upsetting it must be for you to know that your closest ally has been listening in on your phone conversations for the past eleven years,” he said. “I give you my solemn promise that in the future you won’t know.”



.

Nation That Waited Decades to Pass Health Care Infuriated by Slow Web Site

 

A nation that waited several decades for health insurance is becoming increasingly infuriated by a Web site that is wasting minutes of its time, reports from across the United States confirm.

 

The official Web site of Obamacare, HealthCare.gov, has been plagued by glitches, crashes, and sluggishly loading pages, say millions of angry Americans attempting to log on to the site at exactly the same time.

“Look, I know that we had to wait longer for health care than virtually every other industrialized nation on earth,” said Tracy Klugian, a muffler salesman from Akron, Ohio. “But the time I spent on that Web site is thirty-five minutes I’ll never get back.”

Sharing what he called his “Obamacare horror story,” Mr. Klugian said, “Being on that Web site slowed down our wi-fi so much that my kids couldn’t stream videos. For a so-called health-care program, it’s causing a lot of stress that’s the opposite of healthy, if you ask me.”

Harland Dorrinson, a gym manager from Knoxville, Tennessee, had an Obamacare nightmare of his own, having to log on to the site “two completely different times” before getting health insurance for the first time in his life.

“President Obama said he was going to make health care affordable and available to millions of Americans,” he said, bitterly. “He didn’t tell us it would take more than an hour.”


.

Poll: Americans Divided Over What Wild Animal They Would Like To See Congress Mauled By

 

Americans remain deeply divided over what kind of wild animal they would most like to see Congress mauled by, according to a new poll released today.

While a majority of Americans say they would enjoy seeing Congress torn limb from limb by a ferocious bear, there is disagreement over which species of bear would be best suited for that assignment.

When asked, “What kind of bear would do the best job of savaging Congress with its fearsome paws?,” Americans gave grizzly bears the highest job-approval rating, followed by polar bears, and by black bears in a distant third.

But the poll showed that there was also strong support for the idea of Congress being set upon by a pack of rapacious animals, with rabid hyenas the first choice of many respondents, followed by feral dogs and cats.

While insatiable, bloodthirsty mammals were most often cited as the animals Americans would like to see eviscerate Congress, there was significant support for another scenario, involving Congress being consumed by a swarm of predatory insects.

Fifteen per cent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement, “Being torn limb from limb by a grizzly bear or devoured by a pack of rabid hyenas is too good for these people. They should be eaten, very slowly, by a colony of hungry fire ants. Yes, that’s it—fire ants. That would be amazing.”


.

Boehner: Obama Stubbornly Refusing to End Crisis I Created

 

Speaker of the House John 'Boner' Boehner (R-Cheesy Poof) said that he was disappointed after meeting with President Obama at the White House on Wednesday afternoon, telling reporters, “The President is stubbornly refusing to end the crisis I created.”

“Government is about teamwork,” Mr. Boehner continued. “I’ve done my part by putting together an entirely optional crisis that has shut down the government and will throw thousands out of work. Now it’s up to the President to do his part by ending it.”

Mr. Boehner said that he was “flabbergasted” that the President was looking to him to bring the current government shutdown to an end: “So after doing all of the hard work to push the country to the brink, I’m supposed to pull it back, too? How about you pitching in a little, Mr. President?”

The House Speaker said that he hoped he did not have to manufacture another entirely avoidable crisis over the debt ceiling in order to stir the President to action. “Quite frankly, orchestrating these unnecessary stalemates takes a lot of energy and I could really use a rest,” he said.

But Mr. Boehner seemed pessimistic that the President “got the message.”

“Because of my actions, thousands of federal workers have already been furloughed,” he said. “How many more people do I have to throw out on the street before the President wakes up?


.