First Bush Library Quietly Celebrates Eleventh Anniversary

 

GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA  -- While former Presidents and a star-studded cast of other dignitaries gather in Dallas, Texas, today for the dedication of the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum, the first library opened by Mr. Bush, located in Guantánamo, Cuba, celebrated its eleventh anniversary in January with considerably less pomp. 

And for Harland Dorrinson, who curates Mr. Bush’s other library, the lack of attention stings.

“We’re actually the first George W. Bush library, if anybody cares to know,” Mr. Dorrinson said, adding that “no media whatsoever” covered the Guantánamo library’s eleventh anniversary.

“They say that millions of people are going to visit the George W. Bush Library in Dallas every year,” he said. “On a good day, we’re lucky if we see one or two C.I.A. guys in between interrogations, looking for a Tom Clancy novel.”

While Mr. Dorrinson said that he doesn’t expect his library to get the kind of attention likely to be enjoyed by its fancier counterpart in Dallas “any time soon,” he calls the absence of recognition “hurtful.”

“It seems like there was a lot of excitement about this place when we opened in 2002,” he said. “When was the last time you heard anyone in Washington even say the word ‘Guantánamo?’”

That’s a shame, he added, because the library at Guantánamo has a lot to offer that the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas doesn’t: “If you go to their Web site, you see that they’re closed some days. We’re going to be open forever.”


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People Believe Something on Twitter for Some Reason

 

Federal investigators said today that they were “baffled” as to why millions of people chose to believe something they read yesterday on Twitter, a social-media site that has falsely reported the deaths of more than seventy-five thousand different celebrities. 

“It’s mystifying,” said one investigator working on the case. “One theory we’re considering is that people who spend time on Twitter eventually lose their capacity for critical thinking and become sheep.”

The Syrian Electronic Army, the group of hackers who claimed responsibility for yesterday’s hoax, said that they were “flabbergasted” that it created such chaos: “Honestly, we didn’t think anyone would believe it, what with it being on Twitter and all.”

At Twitter headquarters, a company spokesman said that yesterday’s incident, which briefly caused the Dow to plunge a hundred points and temporarily wiped off a hundred thirty-six billion dollars of value from the S.&P. 500, was “testament to the amazing growth of Twitter.”

“In a few short years, Twitter has evolved from a mere waste of time into a force capable of massive havoc and destruction,” the Twitter spokesman said.

“We’re excited to see what Twitter does next.”


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CNN Quits Breaking News, Becomes 'CNN Classic'

In a sweeping format change that marks the end of an era for the nation’s first cable news outlet, CNN announced today that it would no longer air breaking news and would instead re-run news stories of the past “that we know we got right.”

The rebranded network, to début nationwide on Monday, will be called CNN Classic.

“Breaking news is hard,” said the newly installed CNN chief, Jeff Zucker. “You have to talk to sources, make sure their stories check out O.K., and then get on the air and not say anything stupid. I, for one, am thrilled to be getting out of that horrible business.”

CNN Classic will begin its broadcast day on Monday, Mr. Zucker said, “with round-the-clock coverage of Operation Desert Storm.”

Mr. Zucker did not indicate what impact the new format would have on such CNN stars as Wolf Blitzer, saying only, “I can’t promise that Wolf will be a part of CNN’s future, but he will continue to be a big part of our past.”

The CNN chief scoffed at reports that other cable news outlets had eclipsed his network once and for all, throwing down this gauntlet: “We are going to win May sweeps with Hurricane Katrina.” 


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Courageous Senators Stand Up to American People

  

In the halls of the United States Senate, dozens of Senators congratulated themselves today for having what one of them called “the courage and grit to stand up to the overwhelming wishes of the American people.” 

“We kept hearing, again and again, that ninety per cent of the American people wanted us to vote a certain way,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky). “Well, at the end of the day, we decided that we weren’t going to cave in to that kind of special-interest group.”

“It was a gut check, for sure, but we had to draw a line in the sand,” agreed Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S. Carolina). “If we had voted the way the American people wanted us to, it would have sent the message that we’re here in Washington to be nothing more than their elected representatives.”

Calling yesterday’s Senate action “a bipartisan effort,” Senator Mark Pryor (D-Arkansas) said, “This proves that on a matter that affects the safety of every man, woman, and child in the nation, we can reach across the aisle to defy the interests of all of them.”

Senator McConnell agreed that yesterday’s vote “sent a powerful message,” adding, “If the American people think that just because they voted us into office and pay our salaries, benefits, and pensions, we are somehow obliged to listen to them, they are sorely mistaken.”

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No Information Found on CNN

 

Authorities who have spent the past forty-eight hours combing CNN in the hopes of finding any information whatsoever have called off their search, they confirmed today.

“After monitoring every minute of CNN’s broadcast since Monday, we have found hearsay, rumors, falsehoods, and a steady stream of inane commentary,” one authority said. “Everything but information.”

The announcement was the second black eye today for CNN, which earlier in the afternoon recanted all of its reporting dating back to mid-2009.

Newly installed CNN chief Jeff Zucker acknowledged that the network had experienced “a rough patch” since he took over earlier this year, but added, “At least no one was watching.”


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Kim Jong-un Moves Transformers Collection to Border

In a move that has further ratcheted up tensions on the Korean peninsula, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un today moved his entire collection of Transformers action figures to the border with South Korea.

According to sources familiar with the size and scope of the collection, which is believed to be the largest in Asia, the mercurial Kim began assembling it when he was either eight or nine.

In Washington, an intelligence source reported that satellite photos have confirmed thousands of Transformers massing on the southern border: “We are seeing no Autobots. Just tons and tons of Decepticons.”

Kim himself confirmed the Transformers mobilization today on state television, announcing, “I am Megatron,” followed by an unintelligible roar.

The latest development in North Korea follows published reports that Kim Jong-un may be trying to obtain a light sabre.


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N.R.A. Can’t Believe How Well National Conversation About Guns Is Going

As the national conversation about guns enters its fifth month, the National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre gave it his seal of approval today, saying that he hopes the conversation continues “forever.” 

“I must admit, when the national conversation about guns started in those dark days of December, I thought it was a bad idea,” said Mr. LaPierre. “People kept saying that things would be different this time, and that scared the bejesus out of me.”

Because of what appeared to be a new resolve to finally do something about gun violence, he said, “I was concerned that the national conversation about guns would turn into something uglier, like congressional action.”

“Fortunately, that danger seems to have passed,” he said.

The N.R.A. leader said that he expects his organization to continue to take an active role in the national conversation about guns as it moves forward: “We want to talk about an assault-rifle ban. We want to talk about background checks. We want to talk about anything else that we know will never happen.”

But while Mr. LaPierre “can’t believe how well the national conversation is going,” he said that the N.R.A. would remain vigilant in keeping the conversation from “veering off into concrete remedies that will actually change things.”

“We’ve had five months of talk, and that’s a good start,” he said. “But now is the time for more talk.”


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Cheney Marks Tenth Anniversary of Pretending There Was Reason to Invade Iraq

 

In a sombre ceremony attended by former members of the Bush Administration, the former Vice-President Dick Cheney marked the tenth anniversary of making up a reason to invade Iraq.

The ceremony, held on the grounds of the Halliburton Company headquarters, brought together the former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, the former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, the former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, and other key members of the lying effort.

Calling the assembled officials “profiles in fabrication,” Mr. Cheney praised them for their decade of dedication to a totally fictitious rationale.

“Making up a reason to invade a country is the easy part,” Mr. Cheney told them. “Sticking to a pretend story for ten years—that is the stuff of valor.”

Mr. Cheney added that their “steadfast charade had raised the bar for all future Administrations.”

“When it is time to invade Iran or Venezuela, will the President have the will to make up an entirely fake reason to do it?” he asked. “That remains to be seen.”

The ceremony ended on an emotional note, as Mr. Cheney placed a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown W.M.D.

Former President George W. Bush, who was said to be otherwise engaged, was represented at the event by a nude self-portrait.


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