Arizona Governor Vetoes Anti-Gay Bill: “Let’s Focus on Discriminating Against Mexicans”

 

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed a controversial anti-gay bill, telling reporters, “Let’s focus on discriminating against Mexicans.”

Governor Brewer said that while “the intentions behind this bill were obviously excellent,” she was worried that the bill “would distract us from our main mission of harassing, tormenting, and otherwise making life miserable for Mexicans.”

Although Governor Brewer said that she could foresee a time when Arizona might “branch out into discriminating against gays,” the decision to veto the anti-gay bill in the name of anti-immigrant pride was not difficult: “Arizona needs to stick to what it does best.”

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Christie Asks for Public’s Patience While He Comes Up with New Story

 

Responding to fresh charges that he knew about the controversial lane closures on the George Washington Bridge last fall, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today asked for the public’s patience while he makes up a new story. 

“Today you have heard some allegations that are shocking and explosive,” he told reporters at a hastily called press conference. “All I ask is that the people of the great state of New Jersey give me sufficient time to invent a new story that explains my way out of this.”

Governor Christie said that he had spent the past few hours in closed-door meetings trying to come up with a new narrative that absolves him of any guilt in the bridge scandal, but while he was definitely denying the allegations, “so far, we don’t have a winner.”

“We’ve been tossing around everything from my not remembering events correctly to my having a bad reaction to medication,” he said. “We even floated the idea of my being under too much pressure and having to ‘blow off steam.’ As I said, we don’t have a winner yet. But I want to reassure the people of New Jersey that I am working very hard on this.”

The Governor said he understood that “things don’t look very good for me right now,” but he urged the public against rushing to judgment, adding, “I will get back to you with a well-crafted and plausible story as soon as possible.”

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Obama’s Call to End Tragedies Angers Pro-tragedy Wing in Congress

 

President Obama’s call during his State of the Union address to “stop more tragedies from visiting innocent Americans” received a frosty response from the pro-tragedy wing in Congress.

After Mr. Obama made his controversial stopping-tragedies remark, prominent pro-tragedy members of Congress looked on in stony silence, refusing to applaud.

“I thought it was offensive and inappropriate,” said Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana). “If the President wants coöperation from Congress, he should refrain from his divisive and inflammatory anti-tragedy rhetoric.”

The pro-tragedy lobby is among the most powerful in Washington, spending millions annually to defeat politicians who oppose tragedies.

Another congressman with a strong pro-tragedy voting record, Rep. Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina), also blasted the President’s remark, accusing Mr. Obama of conducting a “war on tragedy.”

“If the President really thinks he is going to prevent more tragedies, he should be prepared for a fight,” Rep. Wilson said. “The American people’s right to tragedies is protected by the United States Constitution.”


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Christie Unaware He Was Governor

 

At a hastily called press conference today, Chris Christie revealed that he only became aware that he was the governor of New Jersey in the past seventy-two hours.

“Unbeknownst to me, some people I thought I could trust were secretly working to elect me governor of this state,” a visibly stunned Christie told reporters. “I have acted swiftly and fired them all.”

While asserting that he had terminated all of the people who were involved in the scheme to elect him, he said that, if he finds additional conspirators, “I will deal with them accordingly.”

Christie struggled to explain how he remained in the dark about being governor, a position he has held since 2010: “I guess I’m just not much of a detail person. People think I’m a micromanager. I’m not. If a bunch of people are going behind my back and plotting to make me the governor, that’s not the kind of thing I pick up on.”

Reflecting on his reaction to the news that he is the governor of New Jersey, Christie said he felt “angry, embarrassed, and humiliated, but mainly just sad.”

“It’s sad that this was allowed to happen,” he said. “It’s a sad situation for me and for New Jersey.”

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Record for Worst Congress of All Time So Close Boehner Can Taste It

 

 With six fingers of Johnnie Walker swirling in his favorite tumbler, John Boehner speaks with the quiet assurance of a man on the brink of something big. 

Just three workdays remain until Congress packs it in for 2013, and the House that Boehner presides over is about to set the record for the least productive year in its history—a quixotic goal that the tawny Ohioan set for himself when he arrived in Washington, in 1991.

“Like most of us, I came to this town hoping to make history,” he says, refilling his tumbler. “And, damn it, that’s what I’m about to do.”

Downing his glass in one gulp, he reflects upon “all the little things that had to go right” to make the year of epic underachievement possible.

“There were the Benghazi hearings, of course, and all the votes to repeal Obamacare,” he says. “But when we shut down the government in the fall, I started thinking, Jesus, the record—it could happen.”

During those heady shutdown days, Boehner didn’t dare speak about the record he had long dreamed of setting—“didn’t want to jinx anything”—but with Congress’s work year set to end on Friday, he now admits, “I’m so close I can taste it.”

Yesterday, when members of his caucus came up with a bipartisan budget deal, Boehner “had a little come-to-Jesus meeting with them,” he says. “I told them, I’ve worked too long and hard for this record, damn it. Don’t mess it up at the last minute by accomplishing something.”

So with the record for worst Congress seemingly in the bag—“I can cross that off my bucket list,” he says—what does John Boehner do for an encore?
 
“It’s going to be tough to make next year’s Congress even worse,” he says, pouring himself another tall one. “But it’s going to be fun trying.”


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Hubble Telescope Sends Back Annoying Stream of Selfies

 

NASA’s Hubble Space Telescope, whose mission is to capture images that help scientists better understand the universe, has instead spent much of the past several weeks transmitting an annoying series of self-portraits, NASA scientists confirmed today.

NASA officials were alarmed in mid-November, when, ignoring their orders, the Hubble extended a long robotic arm in order to get a good vantage point on itself and began snapping thousands of blurry, low-resolution photos.

Despite NASA’s repeated instructions to the Hubble to look for evidence of water on distant planets, the telescope continued to produce more and more self-portraits, posting them to its Instagram and Twitter accounts along with the hashtag #pimpin.

Al 'E.' Neuman , operations manager at the Johnson Space Center, said that NASA had monitored the images sent back by the Hubble since 1990, but that if it persists in sending back nothing but self-portraits, NASA would “probably stop following it.”

“The Hubble might think it looks good in these pictures, but they’re of no interest to anyone but the Hubble itself,” he said.


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G.O.P.: Healthcare.gov Too Fast Now

 

Republican critics of Obamacare rose up in anger today, claiming that, after two months of fixes, the healthcare.gov Web site is now “unacceptably fast.”

Leading the howls of protest was the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), who accused President Obama of designing a Web site that operates at a “blistering, breakneck speed.”

“With pages loading in milliseconds, this Web site is insuring people before they know what hit them,” Rep. Issa charged. “Clearly, this is what the President and his team had in mind.”

Additionally, Rep. Issa said, at such high speeds “it is questionable whether this Web site is even safe for consumers to use, particularly the elderly.”

The California Republican said he would call for hearings this week to investigate the dangerous new velocity of healthcare.gov, telling reporters, “If anyone can slow this thing down, it’s me.”


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Obama Says Americans Can Keep Their Damn Insurance

 

Faced with a barrage of new questions about the Affordable Care Act, President Obama cut short a White House press conference today, telling the stunned press corps, “You know what? Everybody can keep their damn insurance.”

Glaring at the reporters, the President continued, “You heard me. If your insurance is crappy, then you just go ahead and keep it—the crappier, the better. Let’s pretend this whole thing never happened.”

A vein in his forehead visibly throbbing, the President added, “You know, I really wish I hadn’t spent the last three years of my life on this thing. I should’ve just gone around invading countries for no reason. That would’ve made everybody happy. Well, live and learn.”

As the reporters averted their eyes from the President, many of them looking awkwardly at their shoes, he concluded his remarks: “All those people out there who want to repeal Obamacare? Well, guess what: I’ll make their day and repeal it myself. Really, it’s my pleasure. But I swear that this is the last time I try to do something nice for anybody.”

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