Chick-fil-A Introduces New Hate Sauce

NEW YORK - Customers across the nation who turned out for Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day were in for a surprise, as the chicken restaurant chose today to launch a new product, Hate Sauce.

Delighted customers mobbed the restaurants to try the zesty new sauce, with many chicken fanciers ordering their sandwiches with extra hate. "It’s so spicy it makes your mouth feel like it’s on fire—like a gay couple in hell," said Harland Dorrinson, who sampled the sauce at a Chick-fil-A in Orlando.

But even as Chick-fil-A prepared to call its new hate sauce an instant hit, it faced a challenge from an upstart rival, Wing-n-nuts.

The rival chain, based in Falls Church, Virginia, chose today to introduce a new product targeting Chick-fil-A patrons, the Chicken Bacon Bigotwich.

"We think we're going to take a big bite out of Chick-fil-A's customer base," said Wing-n-nuts corporate spokesperson Carol Foyler. "Their founder is anti-gay. But ours is anti-gay, anti-immigrant, and anti-woman. When word gets out about that, there'll be lines around the block."


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A Message from NBC About Its Olympics Coverage

LONDON - Today NBC Sports issued the following message to viewers of its prime-time coverage of the 2012 Olympic Games in London:



Dear NBC Viewers:

Last night, millions of you were thrilled to see the U.S.A.'s Missy Franklin win the gold medal in the hundred-metre backstroke race.That is, you would have been thrilled, except that just before the race we showed promos of Missy Franklin appearing on the Today show with the gold medal she won for the hundred-metre backstroke race.

If you’ve been watching NBC in prime time the past few nights, you’ve probably noticed how, night in, night out, we’ve been wrecking the Olympics for you. All we can say is, our bad. At NBC we’re just not used to broadcasting things that people want to watch.

But all that's about to change.

Tonight, for those of you who like watching the Olympics without having every moment drained of its entertainment value, we are launching a new premium service called NBCFree: the Olympics without any contributions from NBC whatsoever.

For only $29.95 you can watch the Olympics with no spoilers, no maudlin 'personal narratives', and no promos for NBC's new fall shows like that egregious one with the doctor and the monkey we show like every five minutes. And for $39.95, no Ryan Seacrest.

So contact your cable or satellite provider and order NBCFree today. And if you don't? Well, all we can say is, we already know what other medals Missy has won, and we're not afraid to tell you.

Sincerely, NBC .


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Romney’s Gaffes Worsen in Israel

TEL AVIV - The Mitt Romney Gaffe Express pulled into a new station today, leaving its conductor's hopes of proving himself to be a nimble statesman in tatters.

Mr. Romney's troubles began in a meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, to whom he presented gifts of a HoneyBaked ham and a wheel of cheddar cheese.


After Mr. Netanyahu ordered both gifts removed from his residence and destroyed, Mr. Romney went on to address the Knesset, where he congratulated the Jewish people on building the pyramids.

"Ann and I saw them during a cruise we took to the Middle East, and they were magnificent," he told the stunned legislators. "As accomplishments go, building the pyramids isn't up there with saving the Olympics, but you should still feel very, very proud. Nice job."

Sensing that his remarks were not going over as well as intended, Mr. Romney improvised: "No, really. Incredible building job you did. If any of you would like to work on our house in La Jolla, just say the word. Only thing is, you'll have to work Saturdays."

Mr. Romney's day concluded with an awkward moment at the West Bank, where he attempted to deposit ten million dollars.


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Mitt Romney’s Olympic Trouble

London - Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's gaffe marathon at the 2012 Olympics in London continued unabated today.


Mr. Romney's day got off to a bad start when he told a reporter for the Sunday Times, "I don't mind that the British keep calling me a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a 'W'?"


Any hope that the former Massachusetts governor would recover from such missteps was shattered after the Olympics' Opening Ceremony, when he blasted former Beatle Paul McCartney for not being prepared to sing 'Hey Jude'.


"He did not seem ready to sing that song, which was certainly disconcerting," Romney said. "Maybe he should have gone with a song that he had done before."


The Republican candidate’s visit did little to win over the British people, as a poll showed that a majority of Britons wanted the Opening Ceremony to conclude with the Olympic torch lighting Mr. Romney's head ablaze.


Alfie Langlan, owner of the popular Earl's Boot pub in Central London, summed up Mr. Romney's performance this way: "Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen."


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Bachmann Claims White House Has Links to Extremist Group Called Democrats

Representative Michele Bachmann (R., Minn.) stirred controversy today by claiming that several key members of the Obama Administration had links to a shadowy extremist group called the Democratic Party.

While Representative Bachmann produced no evidence to back up her charges, she said she had proof that "members of this sinister cabal have infested the highest echelons of our government to take away our guns and replace them with gay health care."

Representative Bachmann said that the member of the Administration with the closest ties to the organization is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: "I have it on good authority that she is related to a former leader of the group."

The Minnesota Congressperson's shocking accusations drew widespread calls for her to back down, from such disparate quarters as Senator John McCain (R., Ariz.) and the National Institute of Mental Health.

"Congresswoman Bachmann's comments are baseless, irresponsible, and beneath contempt," said Senator McCain. "Having said that, I think I would have chosen her as my running mate over Mitt Romney."

Speaker of the House John Boehner said that he now regretted making Representative Bachmann a member of the Intelligence Committee, calling that decision "an example of a good-natured prank that went too far."

Despite the controversy swirling around her, however, Representative Bachmann refused to cave: "I don’t know the meaning of the word surrender. Also, science, math, apple, and cat."



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Romney Campaign Releases First Picture of V.P. Pick

Republican Presidential choice Mitt Romney shocked the political world today by releasing a picture of his choice for Vice-President - a man who, political insiders admit, was on nobody's short or long list.

The photo shows Mr. Romney's Veep pick, whose face was immediately recognizable to millions of Americans, wearing his trademark top hat and carrying what appears to be a moneybag, with currency of various denominations trailing behind him.


The Romney campaign issued scant information about the source of his running mate’s wealth, saying only that he had made his money "in real estate" and would not be releasing his tax returns.

Davis Logsdon, a political scientist who studies the history of Vice-Presidential selection at the University of Minnesota, called the choice of running mate who might be even wealthier than Mr. Romney "baffling beyond words."

"Is Mitt Romney really going to share the stage at the Republican convention in Tampa with a man clutching a bulging sack with a big dollar sign on it?" Mr. Logsdon asked. "Those are terrible optics."

Moreover, he added, Mr. Romney’s Vice-Presidential choice has political baggage that could prove problematic going forward: "We’re talking about someone who has gotten out of jail multiple times."

The Romney campaign may have released the picture to distract attention from yesterday's controversial comment by 2008 G.O.P. nominee John McCain, who said that he passed on Mr. Romney as his V.P. pick because Alaska governor Sarah Palin was a "better candidate."

Today, Senator McCain attempted to explain his remark: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better because she had never heard of Switzerland."


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5 Questions for the Higgs Boson Particle

An Exclusive Interview With The World According To ME


The Higgs boson particle has been everywhere these days – on TV, in newspapers and magazines, courtside at the NBA Finals with Kanye West.  We caught up with the Higgs boson particle as he took a breather for the 4th of July, at his home in East Hampton.




Q: First of all – and I have to ask this – 'God particle?'  Really?  Who started that?
 
A: I have gotten so much shit for that!  (laughs)  I don’t know where that started.  Probably TMZ or somewhere!  Look, if people want to call me that because they like what I do… well, I’m humbled.  It’s cool to know that what you do makes people happy.  I love my fans.  But God particle?  I don’t think so!  I can’t even figure out how to 'Share' stuff on facebook. (laughs)

Q: Speaking of what you do… what do you do, exactly? 

A: Probably what I’m best known for, for better or worse, is making atomic particles have mass.  But I don’t want to be pigeonholed as that, because I don’t want to put limits on what I plan to do in the future.  Like, right now I’m doing a lot of things that don’t involve atomic particles or mass or anything like that.  For example, my menswear line.  It’s a joint venture between me and Hugo Boss.  It’s going to be called either Higgs Boss or Hugo Boson.  Or we may go a whole different way and call it H. Biggy.  My branding team is into it right now.  I haven’t been this excited about something I’ve been involved in since I created the universe.  Also, there’s gonna be a fragrance.

Q: There’s been a lot written about tension in your relationship with Peter Higgs, one of the scientists who discovered you.  Any truth to the rumors?

A. Peter and I are both very passionate about what we do, and when you put a passionate human being and a passionate subatomic particle together there’s bound to be friction.  We fight like brothers sometimes, but it’s only because we care so deeply about what we’re doing and we want to make it perfect.  But as far as what happened in the club last week, no, I did not throw a bottle at his head.

Q: Okay, be honest, and no false modesty here: is there anything the Higgs boson can’t do?

A: Honest answer?  I want to be considered the Michael Jordan of subatomic particles.  By that I mean, Michael Jordan might not have been the most physically gifted player in the history of the NBA, but nobody worked harder at his game than he did.  That’s what I’m all about.  Whether it’s giving mass to matter, breaking electroweak symmetry or explaining the origin of the universe and whatnot, I believe I can do it all.

Q: Could you have kept Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise together?

A: Shit no! (laughs)



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Romney Blasts Supreme Court, Calling Healthcare Act ‘Worst Idea I Ever Had’

Vows to Repeal Own Law

 Washington – Just minutes after the Supreme Court upheld President Obama’s Affordable Care Act, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney slammed the Court, calling the law “the worst idea I ever had.”

“I vow to repeal this law on my first day in office,” he told a crowd at a campaign rally.

 “Until then, I will work tirelessly to make people forget that I used to totally love it.”

At the White House, President Obama greeted the news of the Court’s decision in muted fashion: “I haven’t been this pumped since I smoked bin Laden.”

Dissenters in the 5-4 decision included Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote, “The only medical procedures the government should pay for are forced transvaginal ultrasounds and exorcisms.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell also had harsh words for the healthcare law, telling reporters, “Under Obamacare, you will be forced to marry a gay doctor.”

But perhaps the most negative appraisal came from Speaker of the House John Boehner: “This is a dark day for America. If we are forced to have healthcare, it’s only a matter of time before we have education.”

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