AN ARGUMENT AGAINST HEALTHCARE

WASHINGTON – The following message was released today by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:

This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t agree more.

It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have agreed that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be dead. Here at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to the death.

Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the Constitution, which protects every American’s right to shoot another American. It says nothing about giving the person who is shot health insurance to prevent him from dying. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently Florida.

In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito compared the Obama healthcare plan to burial insurance. Coincidentally, burial insurance is the Republican healthcare plan, and one that we enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American would be mandated to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and operated funeral homes. May we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale,™ a luxury mahogany casket with sienna satin interior and the finest imitation antique nickel handles ($2899).

As the organization representing America’s funeral directors, gravediggers, embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme Court will ultimately do the right thing and decide that healthcare flies in the face of every American’s constitutional right to the pursuit of deadness. And when they do, we’ll be waiting for you.

Sincerely,

The National Alliance of Funeral Directors

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HAPPY EASTER!

EXPORTING DEMOCRACY HAS LED TO SHORTAGES OF IT IN U.S., EXPERTS SAY

WASHINGTON – The U.S. policy of exporting democracy abroad has meant that there is very little of it left at home.

That is the grim assessment of a new study commissioned by the University of Rumpleforeskin, which predicts that if the U.S. continues to export democracy at its current pace it may completely run out of it at home by the year 2015.

“We have been exporting democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq while there are severe shortages of it in Wisconsin and Florida,” said Professor Ivan Offlcockitch, who supervised the study. “This is madness.”

Citing the study, Speaker of the House John Boehner said today, “It has been clear to me for some time that we must explore alternative forms of government, such as oligarchy, plutocracy or theocracy.”

Noting that democracy originated in Greece, Mr. Boehner added, “We must reduce our dependence on foreign sources of government.”

The University of Rumpleforeskin study contains several proposals, such as outsourcing the U.S. government to the world’s largest democracy, India.

“The work done by Congress could be accomplished much more efficiently by a series of electronic phone prompts,” the study recommends.

But Mr. Boehner warned that eliminating Congress entirely would have disastrous effects: “That would destroy entire sectors of our economy, especially the prostitution industry.”

Speaking from one of the states hardest hit by the democracy shortage, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker downplayed the seriousness of the problem, calling democracy “overrated.”

“Teachers may teach our children that democracy is important,” he said, “but the solution is to get rid of the teachers.”




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FYI: I continue to blog because I get a kick out of my own sense of humor. If you still do too, check back here every now and then for the most recent blog.

You may also send me a 'friend' request on facebook if you would like to read more of my brief witty and half-witty LOL-worthy observations every single goddamn fucking day. Some have even been known to ROTFLMFAO (not my ass, theirs, as far as I know).

Otherwise, in lieu of a Comment Section here, please feel free to comment amongst yourselves someplace else until you reach 200 comments, and then stop.

Know that you are missed.



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CHENEY RECEIVES HEART TRANSPLANT; BUSH STILL ON WAITING LIST FOR BRAIN

FALLS CHURCH, VA  – Former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant, but former President George W. Bush remained on a waiting list for a brain, hospital officials confirmed.
As part of a government contract signed while he was still Vice President, Halliburton performed the reconstruction work on Mr. Cheney’s circulatory system at a cost to taxpayers of $14.2 billion.
The doctor who performed the surgery called the procedure “extremely invasive – just the way the Vice President wanted it.”
A hospital spokesman said that Mr. Cheney was expected to make a full recovery, but that he was “somewhat disoriented” coming out of anesthesia: “When we asked him who the President of the United States was, he said, ‘Is it still me?’”
Minutes later, though, Mr. Cheney was reportedly alert, chatting with his doctors, and shooting people in the face.
Former President Bush made an appearance at the former Vice President’s hospital, hanging a “Mission Accomplished” banner in Mr. Cheney’s room hours before the operation was completed.


(NOT:  Blogger has apparently done away with the comments section to conserve on memory or some shit like that.  Sorry.  They also redesigned the area for composing blogs, which totally sucks Santorum balls, but I managed to figure out how to post a blog anyway.  Assholes.   Keep checking back here because occasionally the muse strikes me and I have to blog or I get severe muse bruises.)


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MARCH MADNESS EXPLAINED

Hi Sport fans of Basketball!

March Madness is a wonderful American sports tradition where over 800 college basketball teams compete to see who is the maddest! It’s VERY mad and everyone from President Barack Obama down to the lowliest, most recent immigrant from Sierra Leone or Canada get into it BIG TIME. It’s pretty much the most American thing that happens every year, more American than eating an apple pie off of a space shuttle’s hood on Jesus Christ’s birthday.

HOW DOES IT WORK!

I’ll be honest with you right now: I don’t 100% know. No one does because there are NO RULES. It wouldn’t be MAD if it had guidelines written by some doughy lump at Harvard or Cal State San Dominguez, would it? Correct. It wouldn’t be.

In any case, the idea is that one team has to be the maddest, or “most mad.” Each game has a task that has to be completed to the satisfaction of the judges, while also playing a full game of basketball, if possible.

THE JUDGES

This year the judges are Michelle Obama, Werner Herzog, Dr. Mehmet “Dr. Oz” Oz, Maroon 5, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Lange, Baby Jessica, Tone Loc and Karl Lagerfeld.

THE MADNESS

Starting March 15, each game played has a different challenge, in addition to the usual challenge of having to play basketball at an elite level.

MARCH 15: Each player must play from within a human size hamster ball filled with hamsters and one human (them.)

MARCH 16: The game is played in full darkness, officiated by blind referees firing 12-gauge shotguns loaded with bird shot at any basketball-related noise they hear.

MARCH 17: This game is simple. Standard basketball. BUT, there are no hoops and anytime a player wishes to “score,” he must build his own hoop, net, and backboard, score his 2 “basketball points,” then burn his handiwork in a ceremonial fire, center court.

MARCH 18: For this game, the standard basketball is replaced with a vaseline basketball. It’s not really a ball, I guess; it’s more of a basketball-sized glop of Vaseline.

MARCH 19: This game is just normal basketball. With one twist - it’s baseball.

MARCH 20: Each player must play wearing an earpiece through which they’ll be coached by motivational superhero, Tony Robbins, who will have ingested 8 ounces of psilocybin mushrooms and just been informed of his dog’s death.

MARCH 21: Every other player is replaced by a centipede. Not a mutant radioactive centipede that can eat people; just a regular little centipede. (Note: most centipedes do not know how to play basketball, so this game is extraordinarily difficult.

MARCH 22: “Theme Game:” Lord of the Rings vs. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

MARCH 23: Each player must carry his favorite celebrity chef on his shoulders for the entire game. If more than one player share a favorite chef, they will have to divide the chef with a machete and carry a portion of the chef in a velvet sack tied around their waist.

MARCH 24: Regular basketball, but without a ball.

MARCH 25: For this special game, Larry Bird will sit in a lifeguard chair by one end of the court and Magic Johnson will sit in a lifeguard chair at the opposite end. They’ll take extensive notes throughout the game and then explain to each player and his mother in exhaustive, personalized detail why they will never be as good as them.

MARCH 26: 12 hours before this game, each player will be forced to drink his own body weight in prune juice. The game itself will be regular, old-fashioned basketball, played in a “toilet-free” stadium.

MARCH 27: For this game, each time a player gains possession of the ball, he must paint a museum-grade oil painting of Liza Minelli shooting five separate rainbows out of her legendary vagina.

MARCH 28: Each player is replaced by one of his grandfathers. If his grandfathers are both dead, too bad; life isn’t fair, and March Madness is mad.

MARCH 29: Pizza Party! A fan favorite; for this matchup, each player carries a pizza on their head throughout the game! “Won’t they fall off,” you ask? Nope! They’re stapled on!

MARCH 30: Family Time! For the penultimate game, any women the players have impregnated over the years are invited onto the court to address any unsettled paternity claims. This one’s a doozy!

MARCH 31: Regular, classic basketball, but since it’s the Championship, each player wears a tuxedo and brings the ball to the hoop in style, mounted atop the mightiest of horses, the Clydesdale. But to reach the hoop, they must navigate around the Moscow Ballet, who will be performing an amped up version of “The Nutcracker,” accompanied by Slayer, The Geto Boys, and Sarah McLachlan.

THERE YOU HAVE IT! They don’t call it March Madness for nothing! I hope you’ll tune in to each uniquely “mad” game and bet any money you’ve reserved for food or medicine on your office bracket. You’ve earned it!

Your friend,

Dr. “Basket-Ball” B.



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CAPTION CONTEST!

You are invited to come up with a caption for this photo. At some random point (200th comment) I'll cut off the entries and announce a winner just as soon as I announce a winner. Thank you all in advance for participating. Please resume your medications.

Read more here: http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/2011/04/with-a-government-shutdown-looming-its-time-to-take-meaningful-citizen-action-in-the-form-of-a-capti.html#comments#storylink=cpy

Read more here: http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/2011/04/with-a-government-shutdown-looming-its-time-to-take-meaningful-citizen-action-in-the-form-of-a-capti.html#comments#storylink=cpy

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A LETTER FROM KIM JONG-UN to the people of Iowa

PYONGYANG – The following is a letter from Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, to the people of Iowa.

Dear Voters of Iowa:

In December I became Supreme Leader of North Korea.

Pretty amazing development for a twenty-something who at the time was still living at home and spending all day playing Angry Birds.

But there I was, receiving the cheers of millions of North Koreans, who usually don’t get that excited unless they’ve caught sight of my pork sandwich (LOL).

Here is why I am writing to you today: because today - Tuesday, January 3, 2012 - you will go to your caucuses and choose from among a field of Republican presidential candidates.

And let me tell you, the idea of any of these people getting nuclear weapons scares the shit out of me:

This is just one of many differences between your country and mine:

In North Korea, we lock up the criminally insane. In America, you let them debate on TV.

Right now you have people running for President I would not trust to take care of my plants.

So whom do I recommend you vote for today?

In a word, me.

If you think about it, I am the most Republican candidate of all...

In North Korea, we have no taxes. We have achieved that through a conservative policy of no jobs.

Also, we have no wasteful “big government” programs providing food, shelter, or safe drinking water.

And am I pro-life? Well, try this on for size: I believe that life begins at conception and ends at starvation.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I’m too young to be President, since I’m under 35.

Well, who would you rather have running your country, someone who’s under 35, or some Republican whose IQ is under 35? (LOL)

I think when you look at all the facts, voters of Iowa, you’ll realize that Kim Jong-Un is the 'Republican' who most deserves your vote.

And if you’re still not convinced, remember this: at least I’m not Mitt Romney.

Peace out yo,

Your Supreme Leader

(Many thanks to Buffy for being my sounding board for this blog -- Doc)

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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012 FROM DR. B., BUFFY, AND 'THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ME'