HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012 FROM DR. B., BUFFY, AND 'THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ME'

GINGRICH PLUMMETS IN POLLS AS VOTERS START REMEMBERING WHO HE IS

Dawning Awareness Threatens Campaign

DES MOINES – In a development that has imperiled his front-runner status in the Republican presidential race, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has plunged in the polls as voters have begun to remember who he is.

Mr. Gingrich had been surging in recent weeks, but according to pollster Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research institute, “That was before people’s memories of who Newt Gingrich is started gradually kicking in.”

According to a new poll released today, Mr. Gingrich fared especially poorly among voters who agreed with the statement, “Wait a minute, that guy? He was an enormous dick.”

“Newt Gingrich has got to do something fast to keep people from remembering who he is,” pollster Logsdon said. “He might try growing a moustache or wearing an eye patch, but that might be too little, too late.”

On the ground in Iowa, Gingrich campaign strategists are working overtime to confront the challenge posed by voters remembering who he is, aides to the former House Speaker said today.

According to one campaign source, the Gingrich campaign has begun seeking the support of people with mental disorders and other memory issues that make it hard for them to retain basic information.

“The problem is, most of those people are currently running for President,” the source said.

.

THIRTEEN SURPRISING WAYS EARTH IS JUST LIKE NEWLY-DISCOVERED PLANET KEPLER 22B

We may not be alone. That’s the message from NASA, which says a new planet by the dorm room-sounding name of Kepler 22b has been discovered. Kepler 22b is reportedly a lot like Earth in that it orbits around a single star and may have water on its surface, indicating it may be the first planet discovered that might have life on it .

But did you know there are other similarities between the two? Here are some other features of Kepler 22b that are eerily similar to Earth:

1. Four Kepler 22b women have come forward to say they had affairs with Herman Cain.

2. Scientists say there's a small but vocal Occupy 22B Wall Street movement that's sprung up.

3. They sent a transmission asking E! to stop showing 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians.'

4. Donald Trump has already claimed the entire eastern half of the planet to build high-rise condos.

5. Brett Favre has announced that, if contacted, he would be more than willing to play for an expansion team based on Kepler-22b.

6. It's way out in space, but holiday shopping is very popular. The day after Thanksgiving is called Black Hole Friday.

7. No one is quite sure why, but Lindsay Lohan is also on probation there.

8. One of its highest-rated TV shows is 'CSI: Kepler 22b.'

9. No one there believes Al Gore invented the Internet, either.

10. People there are just as stunned as we were. Not that there are two similar planets. That Britney Spears is engaged.

11. When plugging in your home address, your GPS will send you off a cliff on Kepler 22b as well.

12. People there are also clamoring for a summer tour featuring legendary R&B band Kepler 22b, Wind, & Fire.

13. Much like us on Earth, they don’t have proof of intelligent life in the universe. Thanks a lot, George W. Bush.

.

A LETTER FROM GOLDMAN SACHS CONCERNING OCCUPY WALL STREET

NEW YORK – The following is a letter released today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say “Let them eat cake.” But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, “Occupy this.” We haven’t felt so good about something we’ve sold since our souls.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Blankfein

Chairman, Goldman Sachs

.

AMERICAN IDOL'S 2011 WINNER SCOTT E. McCREERY'S NEW ALBUM COVER

(Oh, come on. If you say you never saw Scotty's resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman, I don't believe you. We got the CD but it's really, really country. Like 'Hee Haw' country. Anyway, no comments on this one please; it's satire, sure, but I'd like it to fly under the radar so I don't hear from Mad Magazine's and Scotty McCreery's lawyers.)


.

COOKIE MONSTER EXPLAIN OCCUPY SESAME STREET

Yes, there always going to be rich and poor. But we used to live in country where rich owned factory and make 30 times what factory worker make. Now we live in country where rich make money by lying about value of derivative bonds and make 3000 times what factory worker would make if factories hadn't all moved to China.

Capitalism great system. We won Cold War because people behind Iron Curtain look over wall, and see how much more plentiful and delicious cookies are in West, and how we have choice of different bakeries, not just state-owned one. It great system. It got us out of Depression, won WWII, built middle class, built country's infrastructure from highways to Hoover Dam to Oreo factory to electrifying rural South. It system that reward hard work and fair play, and everyone do fair share and everyone benefit. Rich get richer, poor get richer, everyone happy. It great system.

Then after Reagan, Republicans decide to make number one priority destroying that system. Now we have system where richest Americans ones who find ways to game system -- your friends on Wall Street -- and poorest Americans ones who thought working hard would get them American dream, when in fact it get them pink slip when job outsourced to 10-year-old in Mumbai slum. And corporations have more influence over government than people (or monsters).

It not about rich people having more money. It about how they got money. It about how they take opportunity away from rest of us, for sake of having more money. It how they willing to take risks that destroy economy -- knowing full well that what could and would happen -- putting millions out of work, while creating nothing of value, and all the while crowing that they creating wealth for everyone.

That what the soul-searching about. When Liberals run country for 30 years following New Deal, American economy double in size, and wages double along with it. That fair. When Conservatives run country for 30 years following Reagan, American economy double again, and wages stay flat. What happen to our share of money? All of it go to richest 1%. That not "there always going to be rich people". That unfair system. That why we upset. That what Occupy Sesame Street about.

UPDATE: Many thanks to frequent commenter 'guitar hero' for these hilarious Occupy Sesame Street photoshops:

.

What Are The Odds Michele Bachmann Will Confuse These Other Public Figures?

Tea Party Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has once again proved she’s “factually challenged,” this time by confusing the beloved American cowboy actor, John Wayne, with the not-so-beloved psychotic serial killer, John Wayne Gacy, a man who had a slightly lighter touch when applying make up than she does. Which public figures is Bachmann most likely to mix-up next? Here are the latest Vegas odds:

Ron Paul and RuPaul
Odds 1:1

Booker T. Washington and Booker T. and the MG’s
Odds 1:1

Joyce Carol Oates and Hall & Oates
Odds 1:1

Millard Fillmore and Mallard T. Fillmore
Odds 1:1

Stephanopoulos and Snuffleupagus
Odds 1:1

Jerry Garcia and Cherry Garcia

.

SUPERCOMPUTER FAILS TO TRANSLATE PALIN EMAILS INTO ENGLISH - "Not a Recognizable Language" Says IBM’s Watson

NEW YORK – Hours after the state of Alaska released 24,199 emails written by Sarah Palin during her tenure as Governor, a celebrated supercomputer created by IBM failed to translate the messages into English.

IBM computer scientists who work in the company’s language recognition lab were initially optimistic that Watson, the computer that rocketed to fame as a contestant on television’s Jeopardy game show, would have no problem cracking the code of Gov. Palin’s gubernatorial emails.

But the scientists grew concerned when Watson stalled after five hours of nonstop processing and billows of smoke began to emanate from the supercomputer’s vents.

Finally, Watson issued a terse "ERROR" message, reading, "Not a recognizable language."

An IBM spokesman said that while Watson had failed in his mission, there was probably not a great wealth of information in the emails to begin with, because Mrs. Palin is an idiot.



For her part, Gov. Palin seemed unfazed by the news, using a stop on her bus tour to blast Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY): "In Paul Revere’s day, he had to ride from door to door to show people his penis."


In further news, in another setback for the GOP presidential field, shortly after former House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s total campaign staff quit en masse, they released a brief statement explaining their actions: "We all simultaneously realized he was a douche."

Mr. Gingrich’s former staff would not divulge their precise location, but are rumored to be hiding somewhere in Pakistan.

Despite the mass defection, Mr. Gingrich remained upbeat, announcing that he would replace his entire staff with imaginary friends.




.