FLORIDA CHURCH INTRODUCES 'HOT' 9/11 PARTY IDEA. WAIT, NOW IT'S OFF. WAIT, NOW IT'S BACK ON. NOPE, IT'S OFF.

The Dove World Outreach Center is a Gainesville, Florida-based church whose members believe in “the whole Bible,” the “end times,” and other cool Jesus stuff. For September 11, they’ve planned a whopper of a party called (link to creepy Facebook page): “International Burn a Quran Day,” and it is very inclusive! Anyone with a Koran to burn and the belief that Islam is “of the Devil” can attend. A bad-ass mustache is optional, especially for ladies. After all, Jesus died so we could make ourselves look like washed-up porn actors.

International Burn a Quran Day ‘10 will celebrate some of Real America’s most popular past times, such as:

☞ setting Korans on fire

☞ watching the pretty orange colors

☞ praying

☞ repressing urges

☞ just drinking the fruit punch and not thinking like that, about the desires

☞ chatting about how the world’s gonna end soon

Sounds even better than the No Homo Mayor Protest! That’s Dove World’s other, more Westboro Baptist Church-y event, at which they went to Gainesville City Hall and yelled and yelled until incoming gay mayor Craig Lowe turned into Anita Bryant.

Senior pastor Terry Jones and his World of peaceful Doves hate muslinism so much because it’s “a violent and oppressive religion that is trying to mascarade itself as a religion of peace, seeking to deceive our society.” (With mascara!) The church has erected an “Islam is of the devil” sign in their front yard, which people in the town don’t really like — even though it is, as Jones told the Gainesville Sun, “a great act of love.” Unlike homosexuality — which the church website says is “detestable, indecent, wicked, offensive, perverted, shameful, unnatural, degrading, impure, futile, foolish, godless, dishonorable, a lie.” (This assessment does not apply on Sundays between 8 PM and midnight, when the church invites fellow Floridian and friend-of-rent-boys George Rekers to lead a Bible study session. Bring a covered dish!)

If you’re a woman who wants to leave Islam, Dove World will give you free shelter and food. This deal does not apply to muslin dudes, though, which is partly why all muslin-men are angry terrorists.




Wait... now it's off: http://tinyurl.com/3yxajpk

Wait... now it's back on (maybe): http://tinyurl.com/32sx8od

Nope... it's definitely off, but hey guys, the burning of my 7th grade math book is still on. - Dr. B.


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MOUNTING FEAR-BASED RACIST OPPOSITION TO NEW YORK ISLAMIC CENTER

Because my daughter claims her only source for the news are my blog and my facebook, I feel it is my fatherly duty to update her on what I'm sure you all know by now, so Julie - this one's for you:

Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim community center, a facility that would include a swimming pool and a 9/11 memorial and be located more than two blocks from the attack site. Here are some other projects currently facing controversy:

• New York—New Citibank ATM vestibule just two blocks from site of devastating financial collapse
• Elizabeth, NJ—Bed, Bath, and Beyond on sacred IKEA grounds
• Pearl Harbor, HI—P.F. Chang's location a reasonable cab ride away from the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial
• Philadelphia—British consulate on hard-won U.S. soil
• Terre Haute, IN—Frito-Lay display planned for Baesler's Market is an affront to the fact that Terre Haute was the original U.S. test market for Pringles
• Culver City, CA—Comedy club built next to the site where that disaster Grown Ups was filmed
• Provincetown, MA—Organic artisan cheese stand set up next to raw cashew cheese booth at farmer's market
• Lakehurst, NJ—Balloon store only three miles from site of Hindenburg crash

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TEN DISGUSTING FOODS YOU MIGHT HAVE LOVED AS A KID

As Monty Python would say, "...and now for something completely different." Let's get away from political satire for a change, shall we? Especially since there's nothing going on politically that I feel like satirizing, and I haven't blogged about anything in sixteen days.

So, those of you who grew up in the 50s 60s 70s or 80s: Remember all that crap you ate as a kid? How did any of us escape our childhoods without going retarded?

Before I proceed, let me just say: Sorry young'ins. I didn’t eat Gogurt or whatever it was you threw up throughout the 90s. I was growed up enough to know better.

I’m not talking candy or soda or frozen dinners -- which were the bomb, and which make me wonder how I ingested that stuff without losing a stomach, considering how much of it I ate.

I’m talking about:

Fish Sticks
Probably the least offensive of these foods, fish sticks still need to be called out because they’re called “fish sticks.” Say it out loud:

FISH.

STICKS.

I think I liked to eat this stuff because, for being fish, they didn’t have much fishy flavor -- indeed, they didn’t have any flavor beyond whatever tartar sauce my mom would serve out of a jar with them. But they were never my favorite! Not like...


Oscar Mayer Cheesedogs
Hotdogs are amazing, when they’re proper hotdogs.

Oscar Mayer hotdogs are tragic meat tubes constructed from demon seed and hate glue.

But even the manufacturers of these industrial sodium bombs must have shaken their heads at the prospect of serving up hotdogs filled with a yellow, salty paste which they hesitantly labeled “cheese.” Imagine their surprise and wonder when the numbers showed that children across the nation adored these travesties that mock the Natural Order.

Tasty!

McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets
You might not remember this, but before McDonald’s rolled out Chicken McNuggets, chicken was too hard for the tender little mouths of middle-class kids to eat.

I’ll always remember the glorious day when I first sunk my teeth through a chunk of gray and spongy McProtein Mass -- and I'll always remember my pride in being American, citizen of a country in which I possessed the freedom to choose dipping my jellified glob of chicken into honey mustard, barbeque or sweet-and-sour sauce.

Later, I threw up.


Spaghetti-Os
Writing the name of That Thing Which Is The Epitome Of All That Is Wrong With Canned Prepared Meals just made me vomit in my mouth a little.

The brain-like texture of the Os.

The sugary “tomato” sauce.

The tiny, tasteless sausage buttons swimming in said sauce.

What the hell was Franco-American thinking? More importantly, how did I ever eat 10 cans of this stuff a week from ages 3 through 13? Yes, I did repeat first grade -- why do you ask? (Kidding!)


Fruit Roll Ups
The first time I ate a fruit roll up, I realized there was nothing mankind couldn’t accomplish. We’d see flying cars and cities on the Moon by the time I was a teenager.

Mom didn’t like me eating candy, which is why she fed these things to me by the hour, not understanding that corn syrup (or dried corn syrup, for that matter) and sugar ain’t exactly “100% fruit.”

Hey mom, may you be resting in peace, you know what’s 100% fruit?

Fruit.

Not that I would have eaten it...



Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
Remember that one kid in the commercials who kept asking why Kraft didn’t name it Cheese & Macaroni? BECAUSE THE CHEESE WAS A COLORED SALT PRODUCT.

I always knew, in the back of my mind, that something was wrong with Kraft Mac & Cheese. Perhaps it started the first time I saw it transformed from food into a congealed waxy mass after sitting in a dish on the counter for an hour.

But I ate the hell out of the stuff anyway -- this was truly my favorite dish. I still pound it down to fix an upset stomach (had a big bowl tonight).

I think the experience must have destroyed something precious in my head, because the first time I actually tried real macaroni and cheese -- you know, something with actual cheese in it -- I was all, yuck, gimme my Kraft!

Capri Sun
Ah, the halcyon days of drinking watered down juice-flavored drink (made from a concentrate of juices that aren’t actually the juices advertised) from a foil bag that included its own straws.

"Made with real fruit juice!" Yeah, all 10 percent of it. Where's the "Made with real high-fructose corn syrup" warning?

Of course, I really didn't care. It was juice in a shiny bag, after all. Never mind that it didn't taste any good -- I was looking good drinking it.

Cheese 'n Crackers
There’s nothing more American than topping soda crackers with a chunk of cheese.

But when that cheese is actually a bastard concoction of oil, acids and several different ways of saying "salt" smeared across a dry, tasteless cracker by way of a red plastic rectangle stored in the same package as the snack, well... you can see why people who liked these things loved Chicken McNuggets.

Like me.


Cap’n Crunch
The fact that I ate this stuff makes me so sad now.

Never mind the instant sogginess of the cereal, and the resulting (and revolting) candified syrup that was created from what once was milk...

...what I can’t wrap my head around is why I continued to eat this “food” that continually ripped up my gums and inside cheeks, resulting in gobs and gobs of mouth beef hanging from the roof of my mouth. And then ask for more.

WTF was I thinking?


School Supplies
White paper. Brown paper. Cardboard paper. Elmer’s Glue. Eraser tips. Probably fruit-scented markers.

Somehow, all these things ended up in my mouth. I didn't exactly "love" eating them... but apparently I liked these items enough to pop them in my mouth throughout elementary.

And sure, I never intended to eat them... but yeah, probably 50 percent of the time, they went down my gullet and into my digestive tract. I wonder how many pounds of yellow paint from my chewed-up No. 2 lead pencils ended up on the walls of my tummy?

Man, I was a screwed-up kid when it came to putting crap in my tummy... but of course I'm fine now, Buffy and I eat healthy these days, and I like exercising as much as the next guy.
He hates it too.

What gross "food" did you love as a kid that makes you go “Hmmm...” nowadays? Discuss.



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BIRTHERS HAVE A NEW BOOK OUT AUTHORED BY A TOTAL NUTBURGER

As the election of America’s first “half-white” president nears its second anniversary, things still aren’t going that swell for the shrinking team of furious dingbats who hoped to sue Barack Obama out of the White House because his dad was an African black person. For two years, the teabaggers’ most prominent intellectual arm has waged a low-level courtroom war (mostly by email forwards) aimed at proving Barack Hussein Obama is not a citizen of America because he is a black person, and black people are — under the Original Constitution — simply slaves, worth only 3/5 of a normal fat white person, by body weight.

Also, the Birthers stuck to the claim that Barry Obama’s birth at a Hawaiian hospital was actually part of an elaborate conspiracy that went on for five decades with the help of U.S. newspapers, a U.S. state government and the doctors, nurses and administrators of an American hospital in Hawaii … all to groom a Soviet Muslim Alien for the presidency, because the conspirators wisely predicted (in 1961, when millions of American black kids still weren’t allowed to attend white schools or dine in white restaurants) that by 2008 the nation would be ready to choose a black person as a major-party nominee and then elect that same black person as America’s first African-American president. Genius!

Having successfully bamboozled the gullible, black-loving American populace on this whole “Hawaiian live birth” thing, the Soviet-Half-Muslin conspirators must think it’s just going to be easy times until 2012, when they plan to “elect” a gay Hindu robot-sex marijuana-selling dog-lady Palestinian as president.

The Truthers have decided that the Founding Fathers probably meant to exclude Obama, in the Constitution, but they just forgot! These explosive new charges are part of, obviously, a new book by wingnut birther site WorldNetDaily, Aaron Klein's The Manchurian President, reviewed snarkily and intelligently here.

The author concluded Obama may not be eligible regardless of his place of birth. The book recommends further legislative and judicial debate.

See, the president is supposed to be a “natural born citizen.” And had the Founding White Fathers only remembered to explain what that means (”not black”), then Obama couldn’t be president!

However, no definition of “natural born citizen” – which is only used in the presidential requirement clause – was provided anywhere in the Constitution, and to this day the precise meaning of the term is still being debated.

There are no records of any definitive discussion on the matter during the Constitutional Convention. That – coupled with the absence of definitive Supreme Court rulings and a wide array of opinions throughout the centuries – has only further confused the question of what “natural born” actually means.

Still, the author found that according to the framers of the Constitution as well as Supreme Court rulings, Obama does not fit the eligibility requirements. The author is clearly a right wing radical extremist asshole fuckhead. Mainstream journalists who received free copies for their perusal not only weren’t interested, but they sent really nasty notes to the nice publicist who sent the books:

"Ridiculous crap," retorted John Oswald, news editor for the New York Daily News.

"Never, ever contact me again," wrote Time Magazine senior writer Jeffrey Kluger.

Newsweek deputy editor Rana Foroohar quipped, "This is sensational rubbish that is of no interest to any legitimate publication."

"Absolute crap," replied Evelyn Leopold, a Huffington Post contributor who served for 17 years as U.N. bureau chief for Reuters until recently.

Nancy Gibbs, editor-at-large for Newsweek, fired, "Remove me from your list."

David Knowles, AOL's political writer, responded, "seriously, get a life."

Ben Wyskida, publicity director for The Nation, claimed Klein's book is "so offensive" and "so far afield."








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PALIN SAYS REFUDIATE APPEARS IN THE FICTIONARY

WASILLA -- Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today defended her use of the word "refudiate," telling her critics, "Look it up in the fictionary."

While claiming that "refudiate" is a real word, she reserved her right to make up new words in the future.

"Everyone makes up words - Shakespeare, George W. Bush, Levi Johnston," she said. "The only person I know who doesn't do it is my husband Todd, who doesn't speak."

Gov. Palin also lashed out at those who criticized her use of the word "refudiate," calling them "incohecent."

In a related story, Gov. Palin would defeat President Barack Obama if she ran in 2012, according to a poll published in Mayan Prophecy Weekly.




Palin's used 'refudiate' before:




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REPUBLICANS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

Clocking in at 10 minutes, this is the definitive dumb Republican quotes compilation. Featuring classics such as Joe Barton's "Apology," Andre Bauer's "Poor Children Are Stray Animals," and of course, Glenn Beck's "Obama Is A Racist," no collection is complete without these greatest hits.

WATCH:




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THE 'FACTS' ACCORDING TO GLENN BECK

A scene from the near future:

Augustus Merryweather IV glanced up at the tapping on his office door. Harvey Carbunkle stood there in bow tie and shirt sleeves, smiling eagerly from behind horn-rimmed glasses. Augustus sighed. He hated this part of the job. It was never fun to let people go.

He waved the young man to a seat, spoke without preamble. "Harvey, I'm afraid it's not working out."

The eager face fell like a refrigerator from a moving truck. "You're firing me?"

"I have no choice. Your work, well...it hasn't been up to the standard we expect for an editor at Merryweather Publishing. Frankly, I'm surprised. When I saw that you were a graduate of BU, I couldn't wait to hire you. Boston University turns out some great students."

"I didn't go to Boston University," Harvey said.

"Baylor, then. Still a great school."

"I didn't go to Baylor."

"But your resume says you graduated BU."

A proud smile. "Yes, sir. That's Beck University."

Augustus was confused. "I've never heard of..."

"Beck University!" said Harvey, the smile widening. "You know, Glenn Beck? He has that show on Fox? Also, that novel, that other book, that radio program, that standup act, that line of athletic shoes and that cologne. He founded an online university back in 2010 so people could learn the real truth they don't get in your so-called 'universities.' " He made air quotes.

"So, when you rejected that Martin Luther King biography because it didn't mention how white conservatives started the civil rights movement..."

A sharp nod. "I learned that at Beck U."

"And when you told the author of that book on religion that 'pinko commie' is the preferred term for preachers who talk about social and economic justice...."

"Beck U."

"And when you asked why there was no reference to Nazi death panels euthanizing children in that book on healthcare reform...."

"Yes, sir! Beck U."

Augustus sank back into his chair. "Beck me," he muttered.

"Beg pardon?"

Augustus regarded the man who perched before him. "Harvey," he said after a moment, "you can't believe all that garbage they filled your head with. None of that stuff is true! It's just the rantings of a paranoid nutjob living in an alternate reality. The facts -- "

Harvey shrank back, looking horrified. "No, sir!" he shouted. "No, sir! Professor Beck warned us about people like you. He said you'd try to confuse us with all your 'facts' and your 'logic' and your 'reason.' Well, Harvey Walter Carbunkle is on to your game!"

All at once, Augustus felt tired. He felt old. "Very well," he said. "Believe what you want. But we've still got to let you go. You're not qualified.''

Harvey appeared to contemplate this. He shrugged. "That's OK,'' he said. "Now I'll have time to pursue my graduate work at the U of L.''

Augustus sat up straight. "Louisiana?''

"Limbaugh.''

"Of course,'' said Augustus, dropping back into the chair.

Harvey's expression was pitying. "I wish I could help you see how wrong you are. You think the world is about 'facts' and 'knowledge' and 'information' you can 'prove.' The lamestream media has you fooled and you don't even know it.'' Abruptly he turned away, gnawing a knuckle.

"Well,'' said Augustus, "I suppose we'll just have to agree to -- '' He stopped, alarmed. "My God, man, are you crying?''

Harvey's eyes were glistening. His voice wobbled like a toddler. "I'm sorry,'' he gasped. "It's just...'' His voice tore. Doing a perfect Glenn Beck impersonation, Harvey bit his lip, lifted his palm, took a steadying breath, then tried again. "It's just that I love my country so much and I'm frightened for her future.''

Augustus shook his head. "I know just how you feel,'' he said.

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REPORT: U.S. MAY HAVE BEEN ABUSED DURING FORMATIVE YEARS

WASHINGTON, DC — A team of leading historians and psychiatrists issued a report Monday claiming that the United States was likely the victim of abuse by its founding fathers and motherland when it was a young colony.

"In its adulthood, the U.S. displays all the classic tendencies of a nation that was repeatedly mistreated in its infancy—difficulty forming lasting foreign relationships, viewing everyone as a potential enemy, and employing a pattern of assault and intimidation to assert its power," said Dr. Howard Drexel, the report's lead author. "Because of trust issues stemming from the abuse, America has become withdrawn, has not made an ally in years, and often resents the few nations that are willing to lend support—most countries outgrow this kind of behavior after 230 years."

According to Drexel, nations that act out in selfish, self-destructive ways in statehood were usually granted too much independence at an early age, especially if the motherland had other newly annexed lands to care for.

According to Yale University psychology professor John Bauffman, while some rebellious behavior in a nation's adolescence is common, and sometimes healthy, America's historically stormy relationship with mother country Great Britain points to a deep need for acceptance.

"The U.S. is characteristic of an abused nation in that, even decades after noisily pushing away from Britain, it still maintained close contact with the motherland, took care of it, even giving it financial aid—all the while fearing disapproval even though the parent country is now old, decrepit, and powerless," said Bauffman, a prominent contributor to the fourth edition of the Democratic Symptoms Of Maltreatment handbook, or DSM-IV. "On the other hand, Canada, which was raised in the very same continent by the same mother country, only exercised small-scale resistance, remaining loyal well into its maturity. Though some see Canada as cold and remote, it has, unlike the U.S., managed to lead a peaceful, reasonably healthy existence."

Bauffman pointed to another telltale sign of abuse in the U.S.'s tendency to bully, torture, and persecute less powerful, vulnerable creatures, such as buffalo, passenger pigeons, forests, and Native Americans.

Although the American nation appeared to be on the road to recovery by the early 1990s, watershed events such as the open discussion of sexual issues, a protracted custody battle in the closing months of 2000, and a series of threats and physical attacks from enemy nations triggered centuries of repressed memories and set off a recurring pattern of violent outbursts and emotional volatility.

"America compensated for early mistreatment by taking out this pent-up aggression on other nations—getting involved in aggressive conflicts seemingly just for the thrill of it, starting arguments and wars that can't be won, suspecting that everyone is out to get them," Drexel said. "This nation needs help, but by its very nature, refuses to accept it."

Drexel defended the study's findings amid claims that America's current condition can be attributed to a much wider variety of factors.

"Granted, part of America's problems may stem from the fact that it was burdened with a false sense of responsibility at a young age because of the unrealistic expectations of the country's forefathers, and there is certainly something to be said about America having been part of a broken homeland for a four-year period in the mid-19th century," Drexel said. "Even though the U.S. is over 200 years old, emotionally it's younger than Lithuania."

Added Drexel: "But we must remember that the country also idealized the forefathers in a classic victim–abuser relationship."

The report recommended that the United Nations Security Council once again renew its efforts to organize an international intervention to help the U.S. get the counseling it needs. Prior attempts have failed to move beyond the planning stage, however, with many countries saying they are afraid that the U.S. may lash out.





JEFFERSON'S FIRST DRAFT OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE:

When in the Course of human stuff events, it becomes really really important necessary for one people to dissolve the political thingies bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of grayskull the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's candy God intitle entootle entuttle entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these tooths truths to be self-cleaning evident, that all men are created somewhat equal, that they are very very much endowed almost prohibitively so in Ben's case by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, free beer, a coconut, trampoline shoes, and the trivial pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men and Women, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to call everyone they know a Nazi alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety, Cool Hair, and Happiness. The Biggest Biceps in the Room, Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not ^not not ^not not not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while idiots evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long choo-choo train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Jackassery Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw up on off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Tyranny security.


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