VIDEO OF NADYA SULEMAN GIVING BIRTH

Nadya Suleman has already "appeared" on Jimmy Kimmel's show twice now, once to introduce the world to the octuplets and declare her love for Jimmy, and once to get smacked around by her child on camera.

In this third "exclusive" Kimmel gets his hands on the birth tape Suleman has been shopping around.

Shockingly, babies don't come out of her after hours of pushing, one at a time, but fly out as if at the end of the world's longest water slide. The doctors and nurses seem both scared and hurt by this experience, but Nadya's lips and hair stayed intact.



WATCH:




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MEMO FROM THE C.E.O.

It is with deep regret that we inform you of certain cost-cutting measures that will be taken in the coming days so that we can remain competitive. But first some good news. We are happy to report that Bring Your Child to Work Day has been renamed Bring Your Child to Do Work Day. We hope you will contribute unstintingly to the Gummy Bears Overtime Fund.

Now for the harsh realities. We will no longer be serving complimentary cold cuts and soda on Cold Cuts and Soda Day. Stairs will go up, but not down. Please do not use the fire extinguisher unless there is no water in the toilets. Anyone wishing to put out a medium-to-large fire must first fill out form X34J (if in stock). Mr. Johnson and Mr. Green, you will be sharing a desk chair, although you may keep separate desks. With regard to our annual retreat, spouses of non-management employees will be considered luggage. The letters “K,” “Q,” and “Z” are costly and should be used sparingly. Anyone who would like to volunteer for the human weather-stripping experiment, contact Nan Newberg. Also, as of next Wednesday, there will be no Wednesdays.

A number of you have asked about the employee-suggested programs that were implemented last year. While we were all heartened by their popularity—yay, associate assistants!—most of them will be suspended. These include: Kitten Appreciation Moment, Say Hello Day, and the Mandatory Toilet Paper in the Rest Rooms Policy. We are particularly saddened that elevator privileges for housekeeping will once again be on a pay-to-play basis. In order to maintain company morale, however, the mojito fountain in the executive lounge will continue to operate as usual.

The “Don’t Leave Your Coffee Cups on Joan Fannywider’s Desk: It’s Not a Trash Can (Well, It Kind of Is!)” rule will remain in place, although, as of next week, Ms. Fannywider will not. We are all sad to see Ms. Fannywider go, but can we agree that this is a blessing in disguise, since, clearly, it is now or never for her as far as starting a family goes? Good luck, Joan, and kindly return the stapler on your way out.

Mr. Braynfreez, every day is now casual Friday for you. In fact, you don’t even have to bother getting out of bed. If time is money, kudos—you are now a rich man.

To those of you in Quality Control: As indicated by the new sign in your rest room, employees must wash their hands before not returning to work. If you don’t understand what that means, ask Mr. Braynfreez.

It has come to our attention that certain persons feel that executive-compensation packages have been unduly awarded. Management has zero tolerance for negativity. Moreover, now is not the time to play “the blame game.” In days like these, we must tighten our belts and be team players. Note: Anyone who received a signing bonus will be required to return it, posthaste, with interest. In fairness, senior V.P.s were asked to give back the income from last year’s exercised options, but they concluded that the calculation would be difficult and onerous.

Finally, we’d like to announce, with tremendous relief, that once Mr. Braynfreez and the folks in Quality Control go (and after Mr. Hafwitt is replaced with voice mail) no further layoffs are foreseen this quarter. From now on, however, we will operate as a “Stage 2 Company.” Anyone wishing to retain his or her job must therefore: (1) obtain an updated photo I.D. (available through Mr. Braynfreez) and (2) furnish your own salary.

Reminder to members of the Stage 2 Planning Committee: Please let us know whether you prefer swordfish or steak, aisle or window, silver or gold.

We believe these adjustments will result in a stronger, more resilient company. Just think: If every employee could give us merely half of his or her life savings, we would be on the road to a “solution mode”! So let’s put the bad times behind us and all move forward, except for the following persons (see attached).

Have a nice day.


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SATIRE: LAWYER SAYS ROVE DID NOT REALIZE DELETING EMAILS WOULD RESULT IN THEIR DELETION ... TRUTH: ROVE AGREES TO TESTIFY

SATIRE SECTION: Karl Rove was absolutely stunned to discover that his deletion of emails resulted in their deletion, a lawyer for Rove said today. "Mr. Rove thought that his emails would still be there after he deleted them," the lawyer explained.

Mr. Rove spent many painful hours regretting the tragedy. "If he had hair, he would have pulled it out," said Robert Luskin, Rove's attorney. "He was fit to be tied."

"Those emails are now missing?!?" Rove reportedly said in astonishment yesterday. "But they were supposed to be preserved because of Federal law and a pending criminal investigation!!!!" Rove then demanded to know who the hell deleted them and was "absolutely crestfallen" to learn that he had done so himself.

"I was just trying to tidy up my electronic desktop," he sobbed. Some who witnessed Rove's tantrum said that he then held his face in hands as he murmured, "The horror, the horror." Others said that Rove was saying, "Sanjaya, Sanjaya," apparently referring to a performer on American Idol, but that could not be confirmed.

Rove railed against the incompetence of administrators who failed to insure that a proper backup system had been kept, and apparently had to be restrained by trained paramedics when he subsequently discovered that over five million White House emails had also probably been destroyed. Onlookers initially thought that Rove may have been upset that more emails had not been "purposely mislaid," but Rove later made it clear that he was shell-shocked and saddened by the mistake.

"How could the previous Administration be so incompetent that it couldn't keep a copy of a single email?" he said. "Government can't afford to make these kinds of mistakes. I mean, what if we had had to go to war or something?"

Historically no member of government has been so distraught since a Nixon aide accidentally threw a briefcase containing important White House records relating to the Watergate scandal into a river.

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TRUTH SECTION: Thursday March 5, 2009 - A deal has been reached whereby Karl Rove will finally testify, under oath, before the House Judiciary Committee, according to chairman John Conyers' office.

Rove has long avoided and ignored subpoenas in the past by claiming executive privilege. Good luck using that excuse now. Congress now has the opportunity to uncover the truth and determine whether improper criteria were used by the Bush Administration to dismiss and retain U.S. Attorneys, for starters. It's a little too late to impeach the bastards, but there are jail cells out there with their names on 'em.



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PAUL REVERE A DESPICABLE TATTLETALE, SAYS GOP

Republicans today criticized Paul Revere for his famous ride, saying that he had violated professional colonial ethics by divulging military secrets in violation of his duty to his lord, the King of England.

"These were sensitive informations about military troop movements with which he had been entrusted," said G. Gordon Liddy, an expert on ethics in government and a professor at several unaccredited law schools.

"Paul Revere was a traitor and a law breaker," said Anakin Skywalker in a confidential interview shortly before his limbs were lopped off and he burst into flame.

Conservatives all over America pointed out that Revere also endangered people's lives by riding willy nilly all over Massachusetts at a full gallop in the dark of night. "He could have trampled someone," said Bill O'Reilly. "Paul Revere was a reckless and irresponsible nazi," he added.

Rush Limbaugh derided Revere as a "coward" and a "snake" who was unwilling to be direct with the British government regarding his complaints about the monarchy. "There were channels," he said.

Tom DeLay shook his head. "There's nothing sadder than Americans who have no respect for the rule of law," he said.

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In other news: Media Matters has launched a new "Limbaugh Wire" page which promises to be, first and foremost, a one-stop shop that collects all of the organization's ongoing efforts to monitor the "Rush Effect." And to be sure, this neatly dovetails with the ongoing, widespread effort among Democrats to paint Limbaugh as the dead-ender ball-and-chain strapped to the leg of contemporary conservatism.

But there's a next-level inquiry brewing up here as well, namely: What happens when a political power vacuum gets filled by a media figure? To quote Rush, a lot of Republicans are being told to “bend over and grab the ankles” for him. What do you have to say, commenters?

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GET SARAH PALIN'S NEW BOOK -- FREE!!!

I know. I couldn't believe it either. The idea that I could get Sarah Palin's new book for nothing. Or that Sarah Palin had written a new book. Or written an old book. Or read an old book. Or used an old book to swat black flies. But there it was in red letters, a banner ad across the top of Newsmax.com:

LATEST: GET SARAH PALIN'S NEW BOOK, JUST PAY SHIPPING! CLICK HERE

Now, I'm just your average hockey mom, but I've taught my children you never click on internet ads. "Rink," I like to say to my eldest, "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is." She'll shoot back something like, "You mean like the Resurrection?" But that's not important. I've done my job as a parent. And even if she gets a cache full of cookies, or ends up in h-ll, I've still got the twins, Bick and Luz.

Still, if you can't trust Newsmax, what can you believe? The late Ronald Kessler works there, and he broke the Reverend Wright story and got every single fact wrong except the words "Chicago" and "church." So I clicked.

And yes, you really can get Sarah Palin's new book, and just pay shipping!

Except it's an old book, it's not by Sarah Palin, you'll pay three times the cost of shipping, and you'll have to subscribe to Newsmax magazine.

Plus I assume my computer is now full of spyware and porno, and not even the kind I like. Hate. Like.

"Sarah Palin's new book" turns out to be a biography by Kaylene Johnson. It's Sarah Palin's book not in the commonly understood sense of a work belonging to its author, as in "Arthur Hailey's Airport," but in the Newsmax sense, of a book being authored by its subject, as in "Airport, the new book by an airport."

It's "new" in the sense that it was published last April, before the election, and before Palin was even tapped as John McCain's running mate. The words "John McCain" don't appear in the index. It has not been updated.

Wait, that isn't exactly true. The cover is different. See if you can spot the change.

Sarah Palin's new book:

Kaylene Johnson's old book:

See? It used to be called:

SARAH: HOW A HOCKEY MOM TURNED ALASKA'S POLITICAL ESTABLISHMENT UPSIDE DOWN

And now it's called:

SARAH: HOW A HOCKEY MOM TURNED THE POLITICAL ESTABLISHMENT UPSIDE DOWN

So it's not really new, so much as revised. And it's revised in the sense that they've removed the word "Alaska" from the subtitle and replaced it with the article "the."

Still, you can't beat the price. Free free free. "Just pay shipping." Which, for a 5.6-ounce book in a large envelope sent First Class via the US Postal Service would be $1.68. Or $5.95 in Newsmax world.

Plus $39.95 to subscribe to their ghastly magazine.

So let's review. By:

GET SARAH PALIN'S NEW BOOK, JUST PAY SHIPPING!

Newsmax means:

GET AN OLD BOOK ABOUT SARAH PALIN, JUST PAY $45!

Where do I sign?

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AN OPEN LETTER TO IRRELEVANT AND INTELLECTUALLY DISHONEST CONSERVATIVES - NOT THAT ANY READ THIS BLOG. IF THEY DO, I INVITE THEIR COMMENTS

Dear Outraged Conservative American On The Verge Of Financial Ruin,

Because my wife Buffy has gone to bed early, leaving me time to compose a lengthy letter to you, let me begin by saying that I am so pleased you have found a way to express your hatred for Obama in reclaiming the word Socialism despite the Cold War and the USSR having imploded unsucessfully some years back. I congratulate you on your little knowledge of history, and admire your middling pluck in using the Internet to buy a "United Socialist States of America" T-shirt. Why, that is almost a pun! You might have even purchased your "Stalinists for Obama" logo on an organic cotton T-shirt. A T-shirt labeled "organic" in accordance with the USDA's National Organic Program, an act of top-down ecostalinism so dangerous to Democracy that it has made me literally shit the chair I am sitting in just thinking about it.

So you have purchased a shirt that says, "Four Leaders for Change" - and has pictures of Stalin, Mao, Hitler, and our current President. That is funny! Now, I'm going to gracefully leap over the wide chasm of ignorance that would cause someone to lump Communists and Fascists together - it's that sort of joyous, carefree mediocrity which inspired the idea that we should fight "the Arabs" in the Middle East, and not raise our heads above the warm waters of assholery for long enough to take a breath of brain-nourishing oxygen and realize that there are things called Suniis and Shiites, and those things do not, in fact, consider themselves one happy fucking family of Arabs. In fact, even entertaining that idea now has infected me with that slimy mucous of idiocy to the point where I may have already come down with a violent case of the dumb shits.

Oh, angry American Conservative, lend me your ear. I understand you probably won't even hear me, because I'm only blogging to a loyal handful and not on whatever television channel has the most news about which star has shown us her vagina this week. However, let me ask you for one moment to turn your attention from the daytime courtroom television show you are no doubt watching on a large, flat screen TV you are nowhere near owning, you overweight, undernourished, 300 pound sack of human detritus. If, for a moment, you might turn your head away from whatever it is on the picture box I will condescendingly call "populist," but which you watch with the same rapt attention as a coma patient watches the animal channel in the hospital, I might impart some wisdom.

And no, I will never say this to your face. Because unlike you and all your destitute friends, I am a human being with an evolved sense of empathy for my fellow man, and if I were ever to actually see you sitting there in your long-broken recliner chair which you may or may not have slept in last night, covered in a mix of processed snack food made by a company whose CEO is 200 pounds lighter than you, and wearing a shirt that says "God Don't Give No Handouts," I would shrink in sheer awe of the difference between our lots in life. There, but for the Grace of God, recline I. I would say to myself, "we must be judged as a nation by the least of us, and I will never truly be free unless this poor soul is given a chance at real happiness."

But it is you who has the "Comrade Obama for President of the USSA" T-shirt stretched taught over your midsection, as if that skin of cotton were the only thing holding together your firmament, unimaginably large and without form. It is you who calls Obama the worst thing for America since Gays on TV. It is you who loves the free market even more than you love that Concealed Handgun Carry law in whatever backward state you call home. It is you who hates a handout.

Hey, angry Conservative, do you want to know a secret? The handout is for you, you magnum opus of superfluousness. Do you seriously think that Obama's socialist agenda is going to result in Uncle Samsky taking away your hard-earned absence of anything of value and give it to someone else? Of course not. The handout that you so hate happens when Uncle Sam takes my teachers' retirement and social security-taxed money, and skims a little off so that you can have some. Of my money. The money of me, who voted for Obama so he would take some and give it to you, you lame foot dangling uselessly behind the body politic.

Want to know another secret? The "free market" in actuality is for people like that ginormous "I hope Obama fails" radio show host you love to listen to so much! It's great, if you're like him! It helps him keep all the money he makes! But like an unrequited lover, even though you are cast down again and again while he rakes in the dough, you somehow still maintain a boner for free market capitalism, you ignorant social tumor unfortunately existing just on this side of Homo sapiens.

Let me tell you about the Communist-Fascist-Stalinist-Hitlerist impenetrable melange of fear that you have so inaptly named "socialism":

It's not that you get a handout. It's that now you can go to the doctor! Remember doctors? Now, when your body finally gives up its fight against the chemicals you pour into it that you call food, and you have, at long last, to spend a day in the hospital, you will not go bankrupt.

It's not that you get a handout. It's that now your children can go to a school that has the funds to educate them - so that maybe one day they might grow up to be something other than a troglodytic, mandible-breather like you.

It's not that you get a handout. It's that one day, you will still have a job - building something awesome like a wind power blade or a solar cell, and that job won't be at risk for being sent to Mexico so your Spanish-speaking doppelganger can do it just as well as you probably would. The calamitous free market you espouse says "Si" to cheap labor!

So before you go bandying around words like "socialism" and "handout", take a good, long look at the real and metaphorical shitstorm you find yourself in. And then, take my godddamned tax money. Before I change my mind.

Sincerely,

Dr. B.



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MINNESOTA REP. MICHELE BACHMANN LEADS AMERICA INTO DA POST-RACIAL UTOPIA, YO!

I have to admit that I was skeptical when people suggested that the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States was signaling an end to racism in America.

And I guess I wasn't sufficiently swayed when the Republican Party just so happened to elect Michael Steele — a black man — as the chairman of the RNC just a few short months later. (I mean, they probably would have done that whether or not the old white man beat the charismatic young young black candidate, right?)

And I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't see the writing on the wall when it apparently became appropriate for the black chairman of a major political party to announce that you want to attract younger black voters by making your party more "urban-suburban hip-hop."

But I guess there's no two ways about it when you see stories like this popping up from the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington:

As he concluded his remarks, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann — the event's moderator — told Steele he was "da man."

"Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man," she said.

Because there's really no other way to explain a middle-aged, mid-western female white elected official speaking Ebonics directly into a successful, intelligent black man's face. This has to mean that racism is dead, right? I am right, right?

Please tell me I'm right.

This is the same value-dictorian of the House of Representatives Michele Bachmann who recently eloquently summarized our economic fears with her statement "We're running out of rich people!"

It's the phrase we have all been grappling for to encapsulate our feeling about this crisis but just couldn't find the words.

Now Americans all over the country making the Sophie's Choice of losing their healthcare or losing their homes, have a rallying cry.

Sistah Michele Bachmann, you da woman!

With insights like that I assumed that she had an elaborate plan to pull us out of this mess, so I went to her website to read all the details.

And there it was, right in the Taxes and Economy section:



It is a little thin on the details ("Taxes and the Economy: Content coming soon"), but still gives us some insight into her keen legislative skills, and more important, who she is as a person.

Michele Bachmann: Content Coming Soon.

We are all breathless with anticipation.



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REPUBLICAN MAYOR SENDS WHITEHOUSE WATERMELON EMAIL TO BLACK CO-WORKER

The mayor of Los Alamitos is coming under fire for an e-mail he sent out that depicts the White House lawn planted with watermelons, under the title "No Easter egg hunt this year."

Local businesswoman and city volunteer Keyanus Price, who is black, said she received the e-mail from Mayor Dean Grose's personal account.

"I have had plenty of my share of chicken and watermelon and all those kinds of jokes," Price told The Associated Press. "I honestly don't even understand where he was coming from, sending this to me. As a black person receiving something like this from the city-freakin'-mayor - come on."

Grose confirmed to the AP that he sent the e-mail to Price and said he didn't mean to offend her. He said he was unaware of the racial stereotype that black people like watermelons. Right. Hey, Mayor Grose - I have a bridge I'd like to sell you.

Beyond just the offense of sending this piece of racist garbage to a black woman, what was an elected official doing creating this racist piece of trash in the first place?

Of course Grose didn’t intend to offend. How was he to know that putting watermelons on the white house lawn could possibly be offensive to blacks? That poor, poor man. In his emailed apology he pleaded ignorance of the racialized nature of his offense:

"Bottom line is, we laugh at things and I didn't see this in the same light that she did," Grose told the AP. "I'm sorry. It wasn't sent to offend her personally - or anyone - from the standpoint of the African-American race."

Grose, a republican who became mayor in December, said he sent an apology e-mail to Price and her boss and also left her a voicemail apology.

"Now I am like - wow, is this really how he feels?" Price said.

Yep them colored folks sure do loves them some watermelon. I am surprised he didn’t have chickens running through the watermelon patch to complete the picture. Or a bullet-ridden chimpanzee.

Grose has said he will step down as mayor at the City Council meeting on March 2.

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